The Final Judgment of Dudley Dursley

The Final Judgment of Dudley Dursley

By Magic Emperor Bryan

"This music sucks," remarked Dudley Dursley. He stood on a glowing white plain full of white light, and choirs of female voices made what other people might have found to be lovely music, but which Dudley, being a Heavy Metal fan, found painful to the ears.

"Welcome to Heaven, Dudley," said a deep voice right behind him. Dudley whirled around, but nothing was to be seen except more white light.

"Hey," he said, "are you like Santa Claus?"

"I," said the voice, "am Saint Peter."

"Ok?" replied Dudley. "So will the chicks do whatever I want in Heaven?"

"Uh---no," replied the voice of Saint Peter.

"That sucks," remarked Dudley. "Do I get to keep my Play Station? Can I have some ice cream?"

"No," replied the voice, this time tinged slightly with irritation. It changed the subject as a great book and the pair of hands that supported it appeared.

"This is your life, Dudley," said Saint Peter as he flipped pages. "This book contains everything you've ever done throughout your entire life, no matter how insignificant."

"Really?" asked Dudley, interested. "You mean every time I ever took a crap it's in there?"

"Yes," said the voice.

"How about the time I peed all over the living room?"

"Yes," replied Saint Peter, "and then when you were four, you mutilated a Star Wars action figure in an extremely disturbing manner."

"I remember that!" exclaimed Dudley. "That was cool!"

"No," disagreed Saint Peter, "that sucked. Then when you were five, you and your friend Piers passed out chocolate laxatives and laced brownies in your Kindergarten class."

"Oh yeah," laughed Dudley, "that was really cool!"

"No, Dudley," replied Saint Peter, "that also sucked."

"What d'you know, buttweed?" demanded Dudley.

"I know everything, buttwipe," retorted Saint Peter. He sighed in irritation.

"And then," he continued, "we come to an incident shortly after your eleventh birthday when you and your friend Malcom were caught masturbating in your cousin Harry's bedroom closet."

"What the---" Dudley stammered. "You saw that?"

"We see everything," replied Saint Peter. "For instance, on the third day of the forth month of your twelfth year, you touched yourself in an impure manner."

"I had the covers over me!" exclaimed Dudley,

"And then," continued Saint Peter irritably, "later that afternoon you touched yourself again, this time using a bottle of your mother's body wash---"

"This sucks!" interrupted Dudley. "Do I get into Heaven or not?"

"Uh---no," replied Saint Peter. Immediately the Pearly Gates closed and Dudley plunged into the black pit of Hell, where Satan forced him to listen to I'm too Sexy by Right Said Fred over and over again.