Twilight

Twilight

I was stained, with a role, in a day not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight

Severus Snape entered the Headmaster's office. The office of the man he feared more than any--more than even Voldemort! He felt the Dark Mark on his arm twinge uncomfortably. This was betrayal of the Dark Lord, that was clear. He was betraying the oath he'd sworn to Voldemort, that would leave a stain on his soul, but then, so would swearing an oath to the most evil wizard in all of history.

He could feel Dumbledore's eyes boring into his. Severus blocked out all memories. He kept every single one private. And then it occurred him that he would have to trust the man that he so feared. If he was going to become a spy against the Dark Lord, then he would have to trust the person he was spying for. He swallowed hard and then eased the Occlumency away. He had to allow Dumbledore to use Legilimency on him. The indignity of it would have made him turn back, but then he remembered how far he'd gone and that he couldn't turn back.

But where was back? Back to the killing, the torturing, the controlling. That wasn't what he'd wanted. He didn't like to watch people, children, parents, siblings and others die. He hated seeing their eyes cloud over in death. Those blank eyes were burned like the Mark on his arm into his dreams and thoughts. He loathed causing pain. He knew that killing those that others loved was one way to do it, but also there was the Cruciatus Curse. He'd often felt the pain it brought when he failed the Dark Lord and he felt no pleasure in bringing it upon others. He wasn't like Bellatrix! Controlling was tied in with power, but he didn't want to watch men, women and children struggle to remove the wretched curse.

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight

Besides, if he was true to himself, what he'd wanted was to be with his friends, who understood his love for curses, jinxes and hexes. All he'd really wanted was knowledge, not power. He'd always believed that knowledge was power and power was a glorious feeling, but it wasn't good enough to make him willing to control, torture or kill anyone! He stood before Dumbledore, watching those bright blue eyes as they scanned his mind. He could almost feel Dumbledore probing his memory and mind. Peeling away layer after lay of shields against any emotion other than anger.

"I know why you are here, Severus," said Dumbledore, putting the tips of his fingers together and examining them. It occurred, though somewhat distantly, to Severus that Dumbledore had called him by his first name and that must mean something good. But then, he called the Dark Lord by Tom, too and everyone knew that he hated Voldemort more than anything else.

"In-indeed, Sir?" Severus' voice shook.

"There is no need to be nervous."

Hmph, right! Severus found himself thinking. My life is in your hands! If you don't believe me, it's Azkaban for me!

Dumbledore seemed to have heard his thoughts and Severus, with a sickening jolt of his stomach, realized that he'd stopped using Occlumency. He'd felt so relaxed with his thoughts when he wasn't using it that he didn't even think about what he was thinking. But Dumbledore made no reply.

"I--I will be a spy, for you, Sir," Severus told him sincerely, "If you--"

"I have only one question for you, Severus," interrupted Dumbledore.

Anger shot up through his chest. This was important! He'd just said that he'd be Dumbledore's spy and the old man wanted to ask some stupid, bloody question?

"We can address other issues later," the Headmaster told him. "This question however is the most important part of our interview." He paused and his light blue gaze rested on Severus' eyes again. That stare was firm, impenetrable. "What I want to know," he said softly, "is why you became a Death Eater in the first place?"

Severus stomach went cold. He'd been dreading this topic. It question he'd asked himself over and over again in the night and yet, his answer was always the same. Knowledge, power, and a thirst for some form of understanding from others.

Never cared never wanted
Never sought to see what flaunted
So on purpose so in my face couldn't see beyond my own place
And it was so easy not to behold what I could hold
But you taught me I could change whatever came within these shallow days

The many speeches he'd heard from Dumbledore as a boy flashed through his mind and something he'd said during one of them came into his mind.

"To thine own self be true!"

"I didn't ever want to killing anyone," he told him slowly truthfully. "I did it because I couldn't see the road ahead. I couldn't see what good would come of me if I didn't become a Death Eater. I thought that maybe they would understand me and give me a small bit of knowledge, which I see as power."

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"No."

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen

"Severus," Dumbledore was watching his hands again, which remained with the tips joined, "you may never find true understanding in any other human being, it is one of the hardships of being a human yourself." He gazed at him over his half-moon glasses. "I may not be able to give you the knowledge that you are looking for, neither will I give you power. I will, however, give you my respect and trust.

"I respect your choice to switch sides and I trust you."

The effect of those words left Severus speechless and felt a powerful emotion rising in his chest. Suddenly, he felt like one of those pathetic little boys who run home to their parents when they've done something wrong.

"I--I'm sorry."

"I know that you are," said Dumbledore, surveying him again. "I understand that and I know that you will do what you know is right from now on. However, if you are looking for redemption, I'm afraid that I cannot help you there. You will have to live with what you have done all of your life and nothing either of us say or do can nor will change that!"

As the sun shines through it pushes away and pushes ahead
It fills the warmth of blue and leaves a chill instead and
I didn't know that I could be so blind to all that is so real
But as illusion dies I see there is so much to be revealed

Severus felt no reaction to this. He was not looking for redemption. He was looking for a chance to change. He didn't want anything more to haunt him.

"I do not expect you to change your personality," Dumbledore continued. "However, the thing that I do require you to do has already been done." Severus' expression must have been vacant because the Headmaster said, "You have changed your loyalty. Now, you must show loyalty towards myself and those others that work for me."

Those blue eyes were telling him who one of those people was. Potter. Merlin hope he wouldn't have to get near the man. He remembered what had happened last time they'd been close to each other. He fought back a shudder.

"I have another question for you, Severus," said Dumbledore lightly. Severus felt himself nod. "Are willing to die for this cause?"

He felt his chest contract. He'd also gone over this many times in his mind. What was his life worth? He had not friends (well, now that he'd just betrayed them) and no family to live for and he had long since given up living for himself. Spying would become his life and that felt vaguely all right. He could do that. At least he was doing something important that might bring an end to all of this insanity in this world.

"Yes, Dumbledore. Yes. I am."

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight

"You are a brave man," Dumbledore told him. "I assure you that if anything should happen to you, I will pay my respects. Also, if you are ever critically injured at the hands of Lord Voldemort," Severus felt his bottom eyelid twitch but Dumbledore ignored it, "I wish for you to come to me first. It is crucial that you get any information to me. After that, I may be able to help you."

Somehow, the knowledge that Dumbledore was there was very comforting to Severus. And if he was ever hurt, he could come to this wise old man for healing and he could tell him anything and he would understand. The fear that had flared up inside him as he first entered the office seemed almost irrational now. These few minutes with Dumbledore had changed him completely. Severus grinned inwardly. He'd done it. He'd survived long enough to switch sides!

I was stained, by a role, in a day not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right
I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight

"I must ask you to pretend to that you are indeed a true Death Eater," Dumbledore told him. "Tell no one of our meeting and I will tell only whom I feel will tell no one else and who need this information."

It occurred to Severus that he would do anything for Dumbledore now. The trust he felt for the man was an incredible feeling that he knew he would never feel for anyone else.

"I'll do it."

"Go then."

Severus turned to leave.

"And Severus," Dumbledore called after him. Her turned back to looking him in the eye. They stood there for a full minute, gazing into the others eyes. "Thank you."

Severus couldn't find the breath to speak, so he nodded and left. As he walked to the door, he remembered the life before his meeting with Dumbledore. It seemed so far away now. So unimportant. The only time he would need to remember that life again would be in the Death Eater's Circle. He actually grinned for the first time in three years. It was the first time in his life that he actually felt safe, all because he'd let one man--one wise, understanding, compassionate, and trusting man into his mind and heart. Dumbledore was now his friend, the one person he knew that he could confide in.

A startling new idea occurred to him. I'm free!

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight...