Accio Bananas!

"No good," Hermione whispered. "Sirius is with him."

"Face it Hermione," Ginny hissed, "you're -never- going to get him alone. Let's just ask now!"

"But-"

"When are we ever going to get another chance? Everyone's gone, and we won't get another opportunity before the holidays end." She peeped around the door jamb. "And Sirius even looks like he's in a good mood."

"All right," Hermione relented. "But you ask."

"Fine. Come on."

Together the girls entered the kitchen. Sirius and Lupin were seated at the table, the Daily Prophet spread out between them and mugs of tea at hand. Lupin was reading the classified ads and Sirius was doing the crossword puzzle, sniffing as he corrected an answer. Ginny gestured with her head for Hermione to follow her and walked up to the table.

"Professor Lupin?" Ginny asked.

Lupin looked up with an amused grin. "Hardly Professor these days, Ginny. Call me Remus." He motioned to the empty chairs across from them. "What's on your mind?"

Ginny and Hermione took the proffered seats. "We have a question, me and Hermione," Ginny began. "It's kind of personal though, so we'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone we asked."

Lupin and Sirius exchanged glances, and Sirius shrugged. "All right," Lupin said. "Well keep your confidence. What do you want to know?"

"How do you give a blow job?" Ginny asked.

Sirius, who'd just taken a sip of hot tea, spat it out explosively. Lupin patted him on the back.

"WHY do you want to know that?" Sirius gasped.

"And what makes you think I know the answer?" Lupin demanded.

"Oh please," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "The rest of the Order might be playing dumb, but Hermione and I aren't stupid. And Hermione said-"

"I told you Hermione would be the one to figure it out," Sirius said smugly, wiping his face.

"I wasn't," Hermione said, her face bright red. "Ginny was."

"Ha!" Lupin contradicted Sirius. "But that doesn't answer why you need to know. You're awfully young-"

Sirius cleared his throat meaningfully. "Hermione's fifteen."

"We were seventeen!"

Sirius fixed Lupin with a level gaze.

"All right, all right. I was fifteen," he admitted, flustered. "But... why ask us? Why not consult a book, or...?" he trailed off.

"It's not like they keep The Joy of Sex on the shelves of the Hogwarts library," Hermione said. "We know the basics, but..."

"You aren't actually planning on -using- this knowledge, are you?" Sirius demanded.

"Well, not right now," Ginny said agreeably. "But eventually. It's better to have the knowledge ahead of time- to be forewarned. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" she roared.

"You do another Mad-Eye Moody impression in a sexual conversation and we won't tell you a thing," Lupin reprimanded Ginny, but there was laughter in his eyes.

"Sorry, sir."

"Remus," he corrected. He sighed. "All right, but I won't pretend to be an expert-"

Sirius snorted. "Don't listen to him. He knows exactly what he's doing."

Lupin blushed. "Like you don't. In fact, you can explain."

"Oh no!" Ginny protested. "Sirius doesn't explain things nearly as well as you do!"

"You're a wonderful teacher," Hermione insisted, nodding enthusiastically.

Sirius folded his hands and assumed his best "interested student" expression. "Yes. I would really like to hear the good Professor's remarks on the subject."

"All right! All right!" Lupin held his hands up in surrender. "I'll tell you!" He studied the girls. "How much do you know?"

Ginny and Hermione exchanged glances. "Not much," Ginny admitted. "Neither of us have done anything more than kiss."

"Well, not much more," Hermione muttered.

"So, neither of you have, erm, seen a naked man before?"

Both girls shook their heads.

"All right. You know what happens when men are, ah-"

"Moony, they're fourteen and fifteen. I'm sure they understand the concept of an erection."

"We -do- get that part," Ginny said. "But... how big exactly...?"

"Depends on the man," Lupin said.

Sirius nodded agreement and held his hand up. "A good rule of thumb seems to be from the base of the palm to the tip of the ring finger." Lupin looked at the visual aid and shook his head. "Hey! Watch it Moony!"

Lupin winked at the girls. "I think we need an example."

"Whoohoo!"

"Put it away, Sirius. They don't need to see that!" Lupin glanced around the kitchen and brightened. "Accio bananas!"

A bunch of bananas flew across the room to Lupin's open hand. He separated them and handed one each to Hermione, Ginny, and Sirius. "Peel them," he instructed in his best teacher's voice. "Now, this is a bit small as far as girth, but it actually isn't too bad a substitute."

"Are they always this bent?" Hermione asked.

"Again, depends on the man. Sirius has a serious right bend, but I'm straight enough to measure walls with."

Ginny snickered.

"My banana has a bruise," Sirius complained. Lupin rolled his eyes and handed him another one.

"Anyway," Lupin continued as Sirius peeled his replacement banana, "manual stimulation is quite welcome beforehand." Sirius began running his fingers up and down the banana. "It isn't essential, per se, the male body doesn't require any preparation for this act, and an erection will almost certainly be achieved once oral contact commences." Sirius wrapped his lips around the banana in demonstration. "However, a little foreplay and teasing can enhance the experience." Banana still in his mouth, Sirius nodded.

"Where's the best to touch?" Ginny asked, trying not to giggle.

"Once again, you'll find a lot of variation. It's very personal," Lupin explained. "A little exploration will give you a- Sirius! Stop the sound effects!"

Sirius took a bite out of his banana. "Sorry," he muttered with his mouth full.

"Hey, that's cheating!" Hermione accused.

"Honestly Sirius." Lupin handed him the last banana. "But Sirius brings up a good point- teeth have no place in fellatio. Lips and tongue are essential, but keep your teeth out of it."

"Best to wrap them with your lips," Sirius agreed. "Like 'is."

Lupin shuddered. "Ugh. You sound geriatric."

"I thought you said you'd love me even then."

"Yes, but let's not get there before we have to." He turned back to the girls. "Give it a try," he suggested, gesturing to their bananas.

Hermione blushed brightly, but Ginny wrapped her lips over her teeth and obeyed, haltingly. Neither of them had counted on a practical demonstration- especially not with Sirius watching them, amusement in his eyes as he slowly took another bite.

"Not bad for a first try," Lupin encouraged Ginny when she came up for air. "What did you notice?"

"It's very awkward," Ginny admitted.

"Naturally. You're here with an audience of people that won't be there when you do it for real. And yes, it can feel awkward. The first time I did it I nearly died of embarrassment. My partner wasn't a lot of help, either, I might add. But when you are truly comfortable, it will feel natural."

"In fact," Sirius broke in, "discomfort in any sexual act is a good indication that you don't have enough trust to be doing it." The other three stared at him, and he blinked. "Wow. That almost sounded studious, didn't it?

Lupin grinned. "It's only because of your temperament that you were never a Professor, Padfoot. Not your intellect." He turned back to the girls. "What else?"

"It was hard to breathe," Ginny said.

Lupin held up a finger. "Exactly. Breathing during oral sex is tricky."

"Yeah- it is really hard." Sirius wiggled his eyebrows.

"Thank you Professor Padfoot. See my point about temperament? Anyway, the trick is to breathe through your nose. It's natural enough- your body will do it automatically, if you don't fight it. Try it again- both of you." His smile included Hermione in the exercise as well.

"Only if you demonstrate," she insisted.

"Of course. On the count of three. One, two, three..."

It was a masterpiece of control that Sirius managed not to laugh as all three of them went for the bananas. Hermione was stiff and jerky, keeping her eyes on the table, but Ginny was much more comfortable this round, watching Lupin and doing her best to imitate his quirks. Unfortunately, she tried a little too hard and gagged as he took the banana a little too deep for her.

Immediately the three desisted. Sirius stood up and got her a glass of water; Hermione was watching her with more trepidation. Lupin got up and rubbed her back. "Are you all right?" he asked. Ginny accepted Sirius's water and took a deep drink, and then nodded.

"I think so," she gasped.

"Does that happen a lot?" Hermione asked.

"In the beginning, yeah," Sirius admitted. "It's definitely an acquired skill."

"How did you do it?" Ginny asked Lupin. "How did you get that banana so far down your throat?"

"How much do you know about the gag reflex?" Lupin asked.

Ginny shook her head, but Hermione piped up. "It's much harder to set off than people realize. The throat senses a foreign object and the muscles contract, trying to expel the object from the body."

Lupin paused and then smiled. "Excellent, Hermione, except I almost said 'Five points to Gryffindor.' But you're right, and the action is not entirely involuntary. The way to combat it is to swallow against the reflex. This forces your system to relax."

"Is that what deep throating is?" Ginny asked.

"Not quite. Deep throating is an extreme, and it's very hard to actually learn."

"I can't do it," Sirius confessed.

"Is that bad?" Hermione directed the question at Lupin. He shook his head.

"Not at all. A good lover would never force their partner to the point of discomfort, and anyway, oral sex is such an intense sensation that deep throating isn't really necessary. It's like whipped cream on a sundae. It's great, but you'd happily eat the rest without."

"Can -you- deep throat?" Ginny drawled.

Lupin blushed. "Erm..."

Sirius nodded enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe it," he said with a grin. "Show 'em, Moony."

"But-"

"Please?" the girls begged.

Lupin sighed. "All right." He picked up his banana again.

Hermione and Ginny watched in amazement. Even Sirius, who had had a front row seat for every occasion, had his eyes fastened on Lupin.

"Wow," Ginny said softly.

"It's a skill worth mastering," Sirius murmured as an aside. "you can't see it of course, but he's using his tongue at the same time- running it up and down the undershaft. It feels absolutely-"

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

Lupin's eyes flashed up to the doorway, and the others started guiltily. Mrs. Weasley was balancing a shopping bag on one hip, followed by Mr. Weasley and the twins, who were all watching with wide eyes. Mrs. Weasley had been the accuser, but Mr. Weasley was white and staring as he spotted his daughter sitting at the table with a werewolf who was (successfully) deep throating a banana.

"Banana eating contest!" Sirius declared. Lupin took the cue and bit deeply, turning red as he tried to manage chewing with a banana lodged halfway down his throat. "We're trying to see who could take the biggest single bite out of a banana," Sirius explained. "If Moony swallows, he wins!" He glanced at his friend, who was starting to choke. "However, spitting it out is also respectable."

Lupin lurched to the sink and hunched over, trying to keep from retching.

"Banana eating contest? Honestly, Sirius, we really need to speak to Dumbledore. What a stupid idea!"

Fred and George were snickering, and Ginny fixed them with a glare that clearly said 'Open your mouths and I'll hex you to oblivion.'

"It wasn't his idea, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione leaped to Sirius's defense. "It was mine. It just seemed silly at the time." A gasp from Lupin's direction interrupted her.

Arthur waved them back to their conversations and walked over, the picture of a solicitous friend. However, as he put his hand on Lupin's back and leaned in, his words were anything but concerned.

"I know exactly what you and Black are," Arthur hissed. "And that's fine. You don't want to tell, and I'll keep playing along. But I'm not so dumb as to not know what you were doing. Next time you and Black decide to have a tutorial, leave my daughter out of it. Got it?"

Struggling for air and turning a faint shade of blue, Lupin nodded.

"You'll tell Black?"

Lupin was frantic now. Arthur glared once more, then tapped him on the back, muttering a spell. Suddenly the banana was gone and Lupin collapsed against the sink, wheezing. Arthur put an arm around him to support him.

"Glad that's cleared up," he said in Lupin's ear. Checking to make sure Molly was still engaged in yelling at Sirius, he added, "However, feel free to show my wife that trick any time."

Lupin almost choked again, but Sirius was on his feet and caught him. "Thanks Arthur," he said. "I think I'll take Remus upstairs to lie down a bit. If you all will excuse us..." With a flourish he lead Lupin out of the kitchen. Their eyes met and they both smiled.

"Man," George said as they walked away. "That was one big bite of banana...."