Harry Potter: The Sorcerer's Stoned

In a cluttered room somewhere outside of London during the early hours of the morning, Hermione Granger sat awake reading. Surprise, surprise. She sighed, giggled, and turned the page of The Cathedral of Vampires and came across the part she had described to her friends simply as "the vampire sex part". "Oh dear, can we say bondage?" she muttered to herself. She was shocked out of her mumbling and forbidden-reading by a loud thump against her window. "Oh no..." she thought as she realized what had caused the noise.

"Herbwig! I had the other window open!" she said in a tone that emphasized her frustration. The off-balanced owl tumbled through the open window holding a crumpled letter. Hermione tutted and took the letter out of the owls grip. "You know, Harry really ought to feed you better stuff. "Special" brownies just weren't made for owls," she said matter-of-factly. "Though I'd prefer them myself," she thought and laughed to herself. "Oh the advantages to being friends with former stoners; getting to use inappropriate slang that I don't really mean is such fun," she muttered and tore open the letter.

Dear Hermione,

What's up? I'm at Ron's having my I.Q. dropped. I swear that dude gets dumber everytime I talk to him. Anyway, we were wondering if you'd meet us at Diagon Alley to shop next Friday. Ron's obviously going to stare at you and drool with a blank look on his face, but I've really missed talking about the vampire sex with you. Write back as soon as possible. Oh, and if you have any coffee handy, Herbwig might need a bit of sobering up. ^_~

-Harry

Hermione giggled again and snuck down to the kitchen to check for something that would help Herbwig. After finding a bag of coffee, she decided to see what an owl would act like after eating a few coffee beans. She wrote a quick reply, saying she wouldn't be able to meet them since she'd gone last week. "Such protagonists" she thought and handed the neatly folded letter to Herbwig. Herbwig had just ate half the bag of coffee beans while Hermione wasn't paying attention and after taking the letter, zoomed around the room a few times doing flips and random tricks then flew out the window. Hermione grinned, wondering what Harry and Ron would do when the over-hyper owl greeted them.

She brushed a bit of her hair behind her ear and went back to giggling and reading the vampire sex book. After all, she'd have to refresh her memory on the details to talk to Ron and Harry about it, right?

~*~this means it's on to a different part...wow!~*~

It was September first and a warm, sunny day at King's Cross Station. Hermione walked towards the train, squinting against the sun and searching the crowd for her best friends. She spied Parvati Patil snogging in a dark corner of the train station with Seamus Finnagan and giggled to herself. "Those two," she thought. She decided this year she'd have to find someone to go to a dark corner with herself. It was then that someone randomly put a hand on her shoulder and she gasped and turned around. "Harry! I told you not to do that!" she said with a half-heartedly angry tone. He just grinned and Ron ran up, grinning stupidly at her.

"Miss us?" Harry asked, still grinning. Ron started rocking back and forth on his heels whistling, because that's what Ron does. Short attention span, that one. "Of course. I reread the vampire sex part and I completely forgot to tell you..." She was suddenly cut off by Seamus, who had disentangled himself from Parvati and made his way over. He appeared to be slowly rubbing his hand down Harry's shoulder and saying, "Shhhh..." He stood there grinning as stupidly as Ron had been and Harry simply said, "What the HELL was that?" Hermione cleared her throat as to seem smarter and said, "It's very obvious that Sarah wanted to include some kind of inside joke with her friends in this."

Suddenly a loud voice coming out of nowhere says, "Come on you guys, back in...er...out of character...WHATEVER! Just do what I told you!" Parvati, who had walked up wondering where her snog partner had disappeared off too, simply said, "Demanding, aren't we? C'mon Seamus, there's a dark corner waiting for us." Seamus was dragged off by Parvati while the trio simply ignored the sudden appearance of a big voice as if it happened every day. Mind you this is my story and without voices it just wouldn't seem right.

"Let's get on the train then, shall we?" Ron said, suddenly aware of his surroundings again. Harry and Hermione nodded and followed him onto the train to find their usual compartment.

As usual, the last compartment was empty due to the fact that everyone knew if they sat there they'd have to deal with Harry randomly talking about anarchy or quidditch, Ron staring off into space and being quite thick, or Hermione talking about vampire sex. Because that's what they do. Right on, isn't it? Anyway, they sat down and began the usual discussion.

"So Harry," Hermione began... "How was your summer?" Confused, Harry asked, "What about the vampire sex?" Hermione gave him a puzzled look and said, "Oh, right! Sorry, but I think that could wait. Wouldn't want you going after Cho again asking if she'd like to try a few new ideas." Harry grinned, reminiscing for a bit, and Hermione said, "Well?"

"Right. I spent the summer at Ron's playing quidditch and learning new tricks so I could make meself even better than Ron, evading Ginny because she's gotten so damn persistent, and trying not to lose me head being pranked by Fred and George," he explained. Hermione nodded, thinking it sounded more interesting than her own summer. "What'd you do all summer?" Harry asked.

"I read a lot," she said, trying to make it sound more interesting than it really was. Harry nodded, having been expecting this. "And I've decided," she started with an air of significance, "that I'm going to find someone to go to dark corners with." Harry nodded and said, "Well done, Hermione. It's time you did that. I've been going off to dark corners with Cho for ages now." Ron snorted and both of his friends looked at him. "By ages, he means he's kissed her about twice and decides to call it snogging. He's probably snogged my sister more than he has Cho," Ron said, grinning at his own devilish cleverness at telling Hermione all about Harry's secret.

"Evading, eh?" Hermione said, grinning and raising an eyebrow.

"Well, she is rather persistent, as I said before. And..." but he never got to finish his sentence as the door opened and a rather evil looking Draco Malfoy entered the compartment, followed by his body guards, Crabbe and Goyle.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here? A meeting of the Gryffindor Goody-Goody's Non-Anonymous?" he said smirking, as if the statement was the funniest of the century. Crabbe and Goyle laughed dumbly, while Hermione, Harry, and Ron gave him odd looks. "What?" he asked.

Harry sighed and said, "Look Malfoy, you're not funny." When the Slytherin made no move to leave, Harry said, "I heard there's a Ravenclaw seventh year near the front who's flashing people for a sickle." Draco's eyes went wide and he practically flew out of the compartment, determined to find the girl. The three Gryffindors laughed as Draco's cronies looked stupidly at each other and followed. Obviously if their oh-so-gullible leader thought it was good, they'd have to agree. They're cronies, afterall.

Hermione sighed and said, "I suppose I'll read the vampire sex book over again. I've almost got the good parts memorized." Harry and Ron nodded, and started talking about quidditch and how good Harry was. Well, Harry talked about quidditch while Ron looked at him, nodding and smiling. Because that's what Ron does, right?