Confessions of a Poltergeist Mind

Confessions of a Poltergeist Mind

I'm not going to try and justify my actions. I've acted badly before, but that was nothing against the things I'm going to tell you about now. Worst of all, I did it to someone I cared for, someone I loved.

The first time I heard about her, she was just another Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Just one more in a long line of boring professors, and she would be gone from the castle before another year had passed. But when I saw her, I realized she was the most perfect being in the world, in the entire universe.

Dolores Jane Umbridge, the woman of my dreams, didn't have the looks of a heartbreaker. In fact, she looked rather ugly with her little bow and that toad-like expression of hers. She stole my heart, and I was glad to give it to her. What she thought of me, I didn't know. Maybe she loved me back, or maybe I was just another poltergeist to cross her path.

Her speech at the Welcome Feast was everything a speech should be. Informative, short and dull enough for those daft pupils to fall off. I heard it from beneath the staff table, since I'd been denied to come to the party. Again. But I'd grown used with it by then, and my seat really wasn't that bad. In some ways, it was the best seat in the room. Dolores had wonderfully shaped legs, and I got to look at them all through the party, which ended far too soon in my opinion.

But fortunately, it didn't take long before I met her again. In fact, after just one hour I popped by to see how she was doing. When she discovered me, she first tried to hex me to the other side of the castle. When that didn't work (she's really bad at practical magic, poor thing. That's why she didn't let her pupils do any practical work in her classes: they'd all be better than her and she's one of those who have got to be best, you know?), she simply gave me one of her very charming smiles and we had an extremely pleasant conversation. She asked me to come over again some time soon, and I returned to her chambers the next night. We became good friends, and she was the only one I've ever met who realized how much work it is to be a poltergeist. I never was one to make a lot of noise and be noticed and feared all the time, in reality I'd love to live a quiet life where I could finish my long cared-for book about tulips and their use in magic. But no, I've got to pester the ignorant students and teachers of this school. Not my choice of a life, but I can't disobey Dumbledore's direct orders, can I? The poor old man needs me to much for me to feel comfortable doing such a thing.

My feelings for Dolores started to become more than friendly after some time. I think the first time I realized I was in love was when she became High Inquisitor at Hogwarts. She deserved it so much, those other teachers could learn so much from her ways of handling the little bastards (students, I mean). I decided to tell her about my feelings for her the next evening, so I at least could know where she stood regarding having a relationship with her. I had been very nice to her in every way, bothering her as little as possible and that Potter boy (a most disturbing element among the Hogwarts students, I must say!) as much as I could ever imagine any poltergeist could do.

But when I came to her that evening, it was very clear that I didn't need to express my feelings for her at all. She was waiting for me, dressed only in a very revealing night gown. I must say it was the most seditious sights I'd ever seen, not counting Severus Snape in his swimsuit, of course. The way her voice quivered when she spoke my name in that very soft way said it all. She longed for me the same way I longed for her. I could never, even with the most inflammatory words, describe the way my heart and body responded when she kissed me softly and pulled me down on the floor with her. She didn't need to convince me in any way to follow her. I don't think I should explain any further what happened, since this could be read by children and others who shouldn't read those things (yes, mum I'm thinking about you.). You others understand perfectly well what happened.

But I soon discovered that one poltergeist wasn't enough for my beloved Dolores Jane. She had an affair with that unkempt janitor/cleaner of Hogwarts, Argus Filch. I was blind; I didn't realize what was going on between them before I walked in on them one day. They were lying on the floor in Dolores' office, which only made things worse. The floor in there had always been my and Dolores' special place. I was infuriated by the sight of them there, and I swore that I would never forgive her for what she had done to me.

I left as soon as the words had escaped my lips, and went to my personal chambers to tend to my recently broken heart. I'd loved her so much, and given her everything I possibly could give any other soul, and what did she do? She had a fling with the inappropriate, unintelligent, dyslectic man of a Squib; he couldn't have done magic to save his life, not to speak of hers! It is easy to understand my feelings at this point.

After that shocking and most unpleasant discovery I stopped to give Dolores special treatment in the hallway and other parts of the castle. I stopped being so horrible to the Potter kid (even though I still didn't like him, he was far too full of himself for that. Or was that the Malfoy boy? I keep mixing the up, they're so alike! The blonde of them.) She tried to apologize to me a vast number of times, but I was far too proud to accept them. Instead I bothered her even worse. My heart still bled for the way she had chosen that good-for-nothing grape crusher over me, and I could never forget that sight.

The Inquisitorial Squad is worth a paragraph for itself. Dolores realized that she and her Squib boyfriend couldn't possibly deal with me, the students and the teachers in uproar, and recruited some of the students to help her. Incidentally, all these students were from Slytherin House, witch only proved once again that those kids are unreliable (The blond one, who I now know to be Malfoy, was one of them. He wasn't exactly improving his behaviour with this new power in his hands, one might say!). Those students helped her catch some other kids who called themselves the DA (with Potter in charge. I like him so much better these days!). Those kids got away in one way or another

Not too long after this, Dolores replaced Albus as Head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My feelings at this point were torn. I still loved Dolores, and I knew she would make a fine Headmistress, but with Albus gone my place at Hogwarts became more insecure. He was, after all, the only one who had ever stood up for me, and with my new enemy Filch as Dolores' boyfriend (a secret boyfriend, I don't think she dared to show the world that she could care for a man like him) I was greatly at risk.

But that day I discovered the pleasures of being a poltergeist and, for once, I didn't have to make all the noise myself. The Weasley twins had, as the good chaps they were, set up a lot of firework to bother Dolores and Argus and delight the rest of us. When the pair of them, one Squib and a woman who didn't like to do practical magic, had to get rid of those magical dragons I thought I would die of laughter. Even the other teachers, McGonagall among them, refused to help her. In some ways I believe she deserved it, having removed the Weasley boys as beaters and Potter as seeker from McGonagall's Quidditch team.

The Weasley's continued to make my work easier, but one day they had had enough and decided to leave. As a giant goodbye present to my still beloved Dolores, they transformed a hallway into a giant swamp. Really, even I couldn't have done it better! They told me to make life as hard as possible for Dolores, and I just had to bow at those words. Some of the students were good people after all!

After that incident, more and more students started to help me in my profession as poltergeist. They also had a new fashion, but I never quite understood the uses of wearing a fish ball upside down over your head. Even so, Dolores was becoming more and more upset and I was becoming more and more over her. My life was generally very good. At times, even the teachers helped me in my work to make the school uninhabitable to our dear Dolores Jane Umbridge.

One day, some of he students who had been involved in the DA broke in to Dolores' office. I don't know why and I don't know how, but one way or another, the whole deal ended with Dumbledore coming back to the school and Dolores being removed.

The day Dolores Jane Umbridge walked out of Hogwarts still sticks very good in my memory. She tried to get away from the hospital wig unnoticed, but when I spotted her I just had to make some noise. I stole McGonagall's walking stick and got some chalk from the same classroom and hurried after her to give her a proper send-off. The last thing I ever said to her was a laughing goodbye before the doors slammed shut and I went to give back the walking stick I had used to hit Dolores' head.

The last time I saw Dolores was only a few hours ago. She came to the school for the funeral, but didn't sit up front like she pretended she would do before she saw me there, floating around with Myrtle (she really is a nice girl, when she stops whining. And she certainly does that when I'm around...) she sat further back. I'm happy to tell you I've gotten completely over Dolores Jane Umbridge, and I will not fall for any human beings in the next time. Ghosts, on the other hand...