Rating:
PG
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Severus Snape
Genres:
Humor Crossover
Era:
The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
Stats:
Published: 09/13/2005
Updated: 09/13/2005
Words: 1,921
Chapters: 1
Hits: 581

The Snape Escapade

Lorelei Lynn

Story Summary:
Severus Snape has been kidnapped and replaced by a poorly written interloper from another novel. Jurisfiction agent Thursday Next must enter the pages of “Harry Potter” to set things right with the help of some familiar faces. RomanticHero!Snape doesn’t stand a chance.

Posted:
09/13/2005
Hits:
581
Author's Note:
This is a little bit of silliness that lodged in my brain and wouldn't go away until I wrote it down.

The Snape Escapade

"Jurisfiction is the name given to the policing agency inside books. Working with Grand Text Central, the many Prose Resource Operatives at Jurisfiction work tirelessly to maintain the continuity of the narrative within the pages of all the books ever written. One of our most common problems is characters from one book moving to another without authorization. These offenders are known as PageRunners."

Thursday Next, The Jurisfiction Chronicles

I was filling out paperwork in the Jurisfiction offices in the Norland Park ballroom when the message came. The signature surprised me; this particular agent had never asked for my help before in spite of the strenuous job of patrolling one of the most popular book series in the world.

"Need immediate assistance. PageRunner interfering in Chapter 7 of Book 1. I shall try to head him off before he does any more damage. My regards, etc..."

I hurried to the "R" floor of the Great Library and took an American edition of the first Harry Potter novel from the shelf. Flipping quickly through the pages, I found a passage during the Sorting feast that made me gasp in disbelief.

"Harry, who was starting to feel warm and sleepy, looked up at the High Table again. Hagrid was drinking deeply from his goblet. Professor McGonagall was talking to Professor Dumbledore. Professor Quirrell, in his absurd turban, was talking to a teacher with sinuous, silky, coal-black raven hair, a perfect Grecian nose, and milky, flawless skin. Ignoring the longing gazes of the beautiful witch on his other side, his luminous sable orbs looked past Quirrell's turban..."

I had met Severus Snape at the 2000 BookWorld awards when he had been nominated for Most Enigmatic Supporting Character (Male). This - person - was not, could not possibly be, Snape.

Knowing there was no time to lose, I only stopped at Wemmick's stores long enough to requisition an Invisibility Cloak and eraserhead ammunition for my gun. Once again taking the book, I read myself onto the Hogwarts grounds and hastened to the front steps where my contact was waiting, hand outstretched.

"Miss Next, I am so glad that you were able to come."

"The pleasure is mine, Professor Flitwick. And please call me Thursday." I looked down; my companion barely came up to my shoulder. Like many Jurisfiction agents, he was a character in the novels he patrolled. Harry Potter had not been his first posting, however. He had spent many years as a Munchkin in The Wizard of Oz before applying for a transfer. Due to his stellar record, Grand Text Central had been happy to comply and promote him to a speaking part.

"My name is Filius." After shaking my hand, he opened the door and led me into the castle. "I suppose I ought to bring you up to speed on my progress, or I should rather say, lack thereof. I have searched the grounds, the Forbidden Forest, and most of the castle and have still not found Severus. The imposter has also managed to slip through all the traps I set up. I must admit I am enjoying the challenge; much of my work seems to consist of expelling American girls with preposterous names who claim to be transfer students."

I followed him into the dungeons as he continued speaking. "I am sure I do not need to tell you to avoid young Harry. As the point of view character, he could inadvertently insert you in the story." He looked over my clothes. "If that does happen, I think you should claim to be the Muggle Studies teacher."

I nodded. The book had already been disturbed enough.

I was still trying to formulate a workable plan when Flitwick went off to search more of the castle's lower levels. All too soon, my Narrative Proximity Device began beeping. I swiftly threw the Invisibility Cloak over myself and ducked into a nearby classroom. I quickly realized my mistake; eleven year old Harry Potter and his fellow Gryffindors had arrived for their first Potions lesson.

I was contemplating an escape when the imposter Snape swept in. Changing my tactics immediately, I decided to sit tight and attempt a capture as soon as Harry departed. This proved to be more difficult than I anticipated as the scene was acted out before me.

Aside from some unnecessary gesturing and narrative references to "hypnotically rippling tresses", the false Snape performed the "subtle science and exact art of potion-making" speech without incident. However, things soon changed for the worse.

"Potter!" said the devastatingly handsome Snape suddenly. "What are the essential qualities that make a hero?"

Harry and his classmates seemed shocked but gamely tried to stick to their normal script. I fought my impulse to accost the interloper then and there.

"I don't know, sir," said Harry.

Snape's lips curled into a strangely attractive sneer.

"Perhaps Miss Granger can tell us..."

Hermione's hand in the air faltered in surprise, but she recovered quickly. "Joseph Campbell says..."

I was impressed by the long list she was able to rattle off the top of her head. Unfortunately, this was not what the questioner wanted.

"I am sorry, but that is incorrect, Miss Granger. I never desire to contradict a lady, but everyone knows that a proper hero needs an aristocratic title, an ancient manor in the country, unlimited wealth, sophisticated wit, and most importantly, physical perfection." At this last pronouncement, the shirt button at this throat came undone, displaying the rippling muscles of his chest to match the rippling raven-black tresses on his head. "I, of course, have all of these attributes which enable me to..."

Both the class and I sat frozen for a moment, completely floored by these words and actions. I am eternally thankful that Neville and Seamus took the initiative to blow up their cauldron a page and a half too soon, thus bringing the painful scene to a much earlier end.

As the puzzled class filed out, I checked my gun to be sure that my ammunition was properly loaded. The second the last student disappeared, I pulled off the Invisibility Cloak. Pointing the gun at the imposter, I said in my most authoritative voice, "Put your hands in the air. You're under arrest for kidnapping and PageRunning. Come quietly and I might put in a good word for you at your trial."

If he was surprised by my sudden appearance, he didn't show it. He merely raised one of his perfectly groomed eyebrows and met my eyes with his own limpid pools of blackness. "Ah, Miss Next, I am pleased to see you here. The fact that Jurisfiction's most revered agent was sent for me is an honor, indeed." His richly timbred baritone voice rumbled like a freight train through the room. His waist-length, cave-dark hair rippled as if propelled by a flower-laden summer breeze. I wondered if it was as silky as it appeared; I suddenly felt an urge to run my hands through it.

Distracted by all of this purple prose, I was caught flat-footed when he turned and ran for the door. I quickly came to my senses, but my shot missed him, hitting a shelf bracket instead. The jars full of slimy things crashed to the floor, spattering me with vile potions. Cursing my momentary weakness, I jumped over the broken glass and began my pursuit.

Once outside the classroom, I followed the sound of footsteps retreating down the dungeon corridor. Looking far ahead of me, I could see a last bit of adjective-laden hair vanish around a corner.

I increased my speed; I didn't want to lose him. I skidded into the wall as I turned and nearly lost my gun. Once I regained my bearings, my jaw dropped.

There was a swamp blocking the entire hall. Caught in the middle of the fetid knee-deep mud was my quarry, covered with foul-smelling ooze. I looked across the soggy expanse to see two identical redheads observing everything with malicious grins.

Might-Be-Fred nodded at me and said, " I know we don't invent the Portable Swamp until the fifth book..."

"But this seemed like a good time to use it," continued Probably-George.

"This one's a bit more entertaining than..."

"The usual greasy git, but he still..."

"Makes us sick to our stomachs." They finished in unison.

The false Snape scowled at all of us, but his intended effect was spoiled by the covering of grime. I raised my gun and said, "Who are you, and what have you done with Severus Snape?"

He tried to cross his arms defiantly but only succeeded in whacking himself in the face with some tentacle-like vegetation. Our laughter seemed to take the fight out of him; his shoulders slumped in defeat. When he spoke again, his voice was much less impressive than before. "My name is Gerard Stuart Pembleton-Harkness-Smith." He looked at me as if expecting recognition but continued when I obviously couldn't place him.

"I have the misfortune to be the hero of the only one of a certain author's over 300 romance novels to go out of print. You see, the heroine and I fell in love in the second chapter without any troubles or flirtatious banter at all. No one wants to read The Course of True Love Runs Very Smoothly. My talent was being completely wasted; I only wanted to find a place in a novel that millions love."

I interrupted his self-serving monologue by redirecting his attention to my gun. "If you don't get to the point soon, I may be forced to vaporize you into text."

He blanched, causing several thesaurus-worthy adjectives to drop from his hair into the swamp-water. I actually felt some pity for the poor man; stripped of his author's (admittedly wretched) style, he was merely pathetic.

More threats proved unnecessary when Professor Flitwick arrived. "I see you've captured our friend here." He raised his hand in salute to the Weasley twins; they gave exaggerated bows in return before sauntering away. "I think I have discovered Severus' hiding place, but am unable to open it without a password. Shall we liberate him together?"

Filius conjured a rope which we used to pull Gary Stu free from the muck. I used my gun and Filius his wand to make sure the imposter remained in front of us while walking deeper into the cellars. In less than five minutes, we arrived at a door labeled "Cupboard of Magical Plot Devices".

Our prisoner made a long and complicated series of knocks and mutterings before finally opening the door. Sitting on the floor in front of the Mirror of Erised and Moody's trunk was the real Severus Snape, bound and gagged. His expression clearly showed his resentment towards us for having to rescue him.

After being freed from his bonds, he looked over his kidnapper with disgust. "What are you planning to do as punishment? Being sent back to the rubbish that passes for fiction in his home novel is too good for him."

An evil thought occurred to me. "Actually, he might be able to help us with a staffing problem in Chamber of Secrets."

Filius smiled angelically and added, "Yes, one of our characters is due time off for some rest and relaxation."

Snape looked at both of us, horrified. "You can't be serious..."

We waited a moment, but no one arrived to complete the pun.

"Yes," I finally said, putting my hand on a hopeful Gary Stu's muddy shoulder. "Meet the new Gilderoy Lockhart."

FIN


Author notes: Please let me know what you think. And if you do call this story "utter nonsense," I'll take it as a compliment.