Blood - Night - Sin

***

As Red As...

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Can you imagine when you feel the pain

When all the trees will cry and there's no rain

There is a wind which goes completely insane

Nothing remains and stays forever

- The Mourning Trees, Aemen.

***

"I keep having nightmares," Harry finally confessed. "About the graveyard, Cedric, and Voldemort."

"That is understandable," Hermione sighed. "I would have nightmares too if I had been through everything you have been through."

Ginny grabbed a chocolate from the table and looked at Harry with understanding. She had gone through the same thing after her first year but nobody knew about her nightmares. Still, it was time to tell...

"I still have nightmares after all this time," Ginny said softly. "I cannot forget him and I cannot hate him either."

Harry looked at her in surprise, as did the rest of the Weasleys. Ginny grabbed another chocolate and put it into her mouth before she continued:

"I cannot hate him because I blame myself for everything."

"Why do you think that?" Mrs Weasley asked silently. "You are not to blame."

"I am the only person left to blame," Ginny replied. "I tried to blame it on him, believe me when I say that I tried to do that. I thought that I could deal with the aftermath of our little link myself."

"What are those nightmares about?" Hermione asked. "Are they as horrible as Harry's nightmares?"

Ginny sighed and leaned back in her chair as she looked at her family. They sat there in silence for a while as she searched a way to express herself properly. Finally, after about five minutes, she began:

"The nightmares are always the same. They start with him whispering to me, telling me to trust him and to tell him everything. Then there are flashes of light in which I see what I have done, with me painting messages on the wall and strangling roosters. It ends in the Chamber of Secrets."

Suddenly she started to cry, to Ron's utter horror because he really did not like girls who cried even if it was his little sister. She cried for a while, sniffed, and continued:

"You know, in the beginning he was very friendly and he wanted to know about everything that was going on in my life. Nobody at school cared about me, that much was clear, and he was the only friend I could turn to.

When those attacks started I didn't immediately suspect him. But one day when I thought about those attacks I remembered something in the back of my mind. I was the person attacking everyone! There were large periods of time where I could not recall what I had been doing at the time of the attacks. My mind was blank. It took a while for me to stop writing to Tom.

I threw him away, heard his screams echo in my mind, and thought that I'd got rid of him forever. A few weeks later I saw Harry with the diary and I panicked. What if Tom told him everything? So I stole the diary back, knowing that he would use me again.

Then he took me down to the Chamber of Secrets. I wanted to fight him but I couldn't. I had put so much into the diary that he could live from that. Emotions, memories, secrets, fears, doubts... I told him everything about me. Sometimes I wish that I had been wiser and that I would have destroyed the diary when it was put into my hands.

But on the other side he was the one who gave me love, friendship, and the ability to twist and turn things my way. I was rescued, yes, but sometimes I feel him living on inside of me. So did you save me, Harry? I think not."

***

As Black As...

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If you feel the wind blow in your head, you know my name

Do you feel the moment, out of time

And when you smell the flower, you'll be mine

Remembering the silence in my name

If you feel the wind blow in your head, you know my name

- The Day The Angels Cried, Aemen.

***

"I remember one of my victims vividly," Lord Voldemort said to nobody in particular. Wormtail was present, and so was Nagini, but he was not talking to them. "She was a little girl."

He smiled unknowingly as he remembered her red hair and her trusting brown eyes. Trust... she had trusted him but in the end her beautiful eyes had been filled with rage. For something he'd done. He sighed and continued:

"She was the youngest at home and grew up with six older brothers. She did not get that much attention and love from them. I gave that to her but I used her for my own purposes at the same time. I should not have done that. I should have let her love me in her own special way for now I fear that I have harmed her beyond belief.

For her I was a mere memory from a diary I created in my sixth year. But everything that happened down in the Chamber of Secrets is present in my mind. My younger self cared about her, I sense that deep inside of me, but I still hurt her feelings. She trusted me and cared for me - even though she tried to get rid of me once in that year - but in the end I proved to be a good-for-nothing liar.

I think that she remembers everything as if it had happened yesterday, and I feel responsible for that. I needed her to feel alive but now I feel nothing but emptiness. I need her now to be complete."

"Who is she, Master?" Wormtail asked curiously. "A girl like that must have a beautiful name..."

"A name that suits her, precisely," Lord Voldemort replied. "She is called Virginia Weasley, Ginny for friends and family."

***

As Tainted As...

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Is there someone there beside me?

Will you hold my hand and guide me?

Is there something going on with me?

- Is There Someone?, Aemen.

***

I can say a million things to you, maybe a farewell. Yet I keep twisting the quill in my hands because for the first time in my life I do not know what to say. The truth is that I do not really want to write to you. That is partly because I know that you will never read this, and partly because I hate you.

Yes, you read it correctly: I hate you. I hate you for everything that you have done to me. You made me do things that I don't want to remember. I hate you because I cannot seem to forget you. I hate you because I love you.

You made me love you. Don't try to deny it or tell me otherwise. I know that I love you and the reason for me not finding any love in my life is because I remember you. I remember the times when I cried and you cheered me up. I remember laughing with you and talking with you. You are so wrong for me because you are Lord Voldemort nowadays.

You have killed people.

So who am I? Am I crazy because I still love you after all this time? Am I naive for trusting you with my life? Am I really somebody right now?

Tell me... Tom...

Am I still Ginny?

~*~