Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, ... Very Bad Plot!

Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!

By: Liz Swarthy!

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Chapter One: Doggies and Teletubbies!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Daddy!" Draco sobbed. "Daddy, I thought you loved me!"

"No!" Lucius said harshly.

"But, you said!"

"I never said that! It was the dog dressed up like me that said that!"

"B-but, Daddy! We don't have a doggie!"

"Yes we do!"

"No we don't! You said we couldn't get one!" Draco bursts into a fresh wave of tears.

"Oh, I guess you're right," Lucius said in an apologetic tone.

"I hate you!" Draco cried.

"I love you, too, son," Lucius replied, patting Draco on the head.

(A/N: Ack! No! That's not how this story begins. :glares at muse, Sirius, who is responsible for this madness:)

"Mummy," Draco pouted. "Mummy, Potter was teasing me again! So I zapped him! I zapped him in the bum!" Draco's eyes widen. "And he liked it! So I kicked him, in the bum!" Eyes get bigger. "And he liked that, too! But I didn't like it, Mummy. I didn't like it."

(A/N: Nope, wrong again...)

Harry Potter was your normal, average teenage boy. Nothing special about him! Nope! No, sir-ee Bob! Oh! Unless you count the fact that he can use magic (none too well, mind you) like a third of the world's population and he has a funny looking scar on his forehead. Yes, a scar. You heard right, diary! Just a silly, stupid old lightning bolt shaped scar. Oh, yeah, and his parents died saving his scrawny ass from some evil Dark Lord and he lives with Muggles! Gee! Maybe I should have someone kill my parents and I should go live with mean old relatives so I can become some famous so-and-so, too! I mean, I'm smarter, cooler, and better looking that he can ever hope to be, and yet no one even knows my name! It's pathetic! They follow that pathetic loser instead of me! It makes me so angry!

Well, I've got to go, diary. Gotta go meet Harry down in the dungeons.

Ron

(A/N: Now, on to the story!)

One day, Harry and Draco got into a fight. They punched each other's lights out and they both got amnesia and when they woke up, they were acting strangely.

"Don't make me hurt you, Potter!" Harry hissed, standing menacingly over Draco.

Draco cowered. "I-I'll take y-you d-d-down, m-Malfoy!" he stuttered.

They fought again, punched each other's lights out again and when they woke up, they were back to normal again! Unless you count the fact that Harry would shout out, "Ding dong, the witch is dead! The wicked witch is dead!" every hour, on the hour.

The day continued normally from then on... sort of. People quickly grew annoyed of Harry's outbursts, which he was completely unable to control. By the end of the day, he had lost 50 points from Gryffindor because Snape kept passing him in the halls at exactly the same time that he shouted out his little phase.

It was almost seven o'clock when Harry started up to the Gryffindor Tower. Draco passed at exactly seven. Harry cried out, "Ding dong, the witch is dead! The wicked witch is dead!" Draco looked at his watch, frowned, and marched off, grumbling about his watch being slow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day wasn't any better for Harry. Instead of the phase he was shouting the day before, Harry was now singing:

"We represent

the Lolly Pop Guild!

The Lolly Pop Guild!

The Lolly Pop Gu-ild!

We represent

the Lolly Pop Guild

and we welcome you to Munchkin Land!"

Unfortunately, he had Snape that day and Snape hated music even more than he hated Harry.

When Potions rolled around, Harry tried as hard as possible not to shout out, but his efforts we in vain. Come the first hour, he sang loudly in a high, squeaky voice:

"We represent

the Lolly Pop Guild!

The Lolly Pop Guild!

The Lolly Pop Gu-ild!

We represent

the Lolly Pop Guild

and we welcome you to Munchkin Land!"

Snape grew visibly angry and shouted out, "50 points from Gryffindor!" Draco sniggered and Snape, angry beyond any tiny shred of reason that he had, spun around. "Laugh again and I'll take 20 points from Slytherin!" he snapped. Draco looked at him in shock and amazement, and then his expression changed to one of anger. Snape sat down at his desk, breathing hard. "GET BACK TO WORK!" he shouted and everyone went back to the potions they were brewing.

When class was dismissed, and Gryffindor had lost 50 more points and Harry had received a detention, he, Ron and Hermione were all surprised to see Draco come up to them without a look of malice in his eyes.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" Ron snapped.

"To get back at Snape," Draco said nonchalantly. "I don't like it when he gets cocky and I thought you'd want to get back at him as well."

"You know just how 'cocky' he can be, don't you?" Hermione said, as if hinting to something and a sparkle of laughter in her eyes.

Draco blushed. "That's beyond the point!" he said defensively. "Well, are you going to help or not?"

"Might as well," Harry said, shrugging. "I mean, how often is it that the great Draco Malfoy offers his services?"

"Right! Let's get to work!" Draco said cheerily.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next week, they had a plan. Of course, Harry was still shouting out new phases every day. Draco had even smacked him upside the head because he said it annoyed him to that point, though Harry thought he did it just to hit him. The day after the last mentioned, he cried out, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!" The next day, "Oh my God, You killed Kenny!" The next, "You bastards!" Then:

"Hey, ho, to town I go,

To heal my heart and drown my woe!

Rain may fall and wind may blow,

But there still be

Many miles to go.

Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain

And the stream that falls from hill to plain.

Better than stream or rippling brook

Is a mug of beer inside this Took!"

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Then, "Don't go there! Don't press that! Don't go ding dong, mother f*cker!" Then, "We have only three flavors of squishy. Cherry, Coke, and Cherry Coke! Thank you, please steal again!" Then, "I resemble that remark!" and Finally, for today's:

"Jingle Bells,

Gandalf smells,

Gimli laid an egg!

Aragorn lost his horn

And Gollum plays crocket!"

(A/N: Yes, I realize Aragorn never had a horn. But, he lost it years ago and Boromir found it and that's where Boromir got his horn! Yea!)

The plan was simple. Get under Snape's skin and drive him insane, whatever the cost. So, dressed in tuxedos (Hermione in your classic tuxedo leotard with sparkly nylons) and top hats, the four entered the Potions room and got into a line and stood at parade rest with their heads down.

After everyone had settled, the four began to tap dance and sing 'Dancing Queen'. Snape just got mad and shouted for 100 points to be taken from Gryffindor and 10 from Slytherin.

The quartet left and returned half an hour later, Hermione, Draco and Ron dressed as little kid; Draco and Ron in green shirts and jean overalls and Hermione in a cute floral dress. Harry came in dressed as a giant purple and green dinosaur and he began to sing:

"I love you,

you love me,

we're one happy family!"

"150 points from Gryffindor and 30 from Slytherin, and be glad it isn't more, you little traitor!" Snape shouted. "And a weeks worth of detentions for the Gryffindors! For you, Draco, detention!"

The quartet left again and went to some room in the dungeons. "What now?" Draco asked.

"How should I know?" Harry snapped. "How did you come off only loosing 40 points and getting only one detention?"

"Why are you asking me?" Draco asked. "I can't help it! He likes me!"

"Yes, he 'likes' you," Hermione said, smiling.

Draco blushed. "Shut up," he said defensively. Hermione was throw into a fit of giggles. A light bulb suddenly appeared over Draco's head and turned itself on. "By George! I've got it!" he cried. The light bulb turned off and crashed to the floor as Draco walked forward to tell the others his brilliant plan.

The quartet re-entered the Potions room, this time, dressed as: Harry-Tinky-Winky, Ron-Dipsy, Hermione-La-la, and Draco-Po! The sang the Teletubbie theme song and approached a very scarred Snape saying in high voices, "Big hug!" They all hugged Snape and he screamed like a little girl and ran from the room.