There Is No Such Place

Chapter summary: Lily, James and Sirius go to London.

Lily left her dorm at four am, moving as quietly as she possibly could. At least, she mused, for once she had a legitimate reason for sneaking out.

Her sleep had been disturbed by uncomfortable dreams of cannibalism and sex: kissing Severus beneath a yew tree and knowing that she'd willingly traded Geraldine and Mary for him. She kissed Severus, exploring his skin and listening to Voldemort as he consumed their flesh.

Their screams, and Voldemort's deep laughter, still rang in her ears as she made her way up to the Owlery to get Mariam.

"Lily."

Severus was standing in the shadows just outside the Owlery. He'd barely spoken to her since they'd overheard the early-morning debate between the teachers.

"You gave me a fright," she said.

"I heard you were leaving. Wanted to say goodbye." He moved forward and kissed her. Lily tried not to think of her dream.

"You haven't been around much, lately."

He shrugged. "I've had things to think about."

"And?"

"And I'm still thinking."

"Right." She turned and walked into the Owlery. He was still there when she returned, several minutes later.

"Look, if you don't want to be with me, just say so," she said.

"I do. Want to be with you."

"Yeah, well, you have an interesting way of showing it." She walked away, Mariam's cage bumping against her legs. "I'll be back in a couple of weeks. I hope that's enough time for you."

She felt his eyes on her as she descended the staircase, but he didn't call her back.

Back in the common room, Lily curled up in a chair and waited for the boys to come down. Sirius joined her several minutes later.

"Morning," he said softly. "James is on his way down. He's talking to the others."

"Is he all right?"

"Not really. But it'll be better when he gets home. His family are amazing -- all these wealthy nutters. Mad as hatters, the lot of them, but they seriously love each other when they're not cultivating new eccentricities."

"Sounds rather nice. My family likes to pretend to be normal."

"Mine, too. 'Course, Mum's a witch living among Muggles, so she'd have to be." Sirius took a deep breath. "Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"James... he -- we -- we're really glad to have you."

"Oh. Thankyou."

"No, I mean it. You're quiet, and I think you see a lot more than you let on, which is frankly a bit unnerving, and you don't have a proper appreciation for public nudity, but it's really good to be around you."

Lily smiled, touched beyond words. "Sirius, that's -- thanks."

Sirius actually blushed. "Yeah, well, get me out of bed early enough and I'll say anything." He became serious again. "Listen, about James. He, uh, he -- oh, fuck."

"What?"

He shook his head. "I'm an idiot. I was this close to betraying a confidence, and I'm really sorry, but sometimes my mouth just gets away from me."

"Oh, well, you don’t have to finish that sentence, then. I'm sure I can avoid dying of curiosity."

"Why, what are you curious about?" asked James, standing in the doorway. He still looked rather sick, but he seemed ready to face the world and whatever it may bring.

"The famous Gryffindor Serpent gag," Sirius said smoothly. "She's absolutely mad to get a peek, but I've made her promise to wait until our wedding night."

Lily rolled her eyes and picked up her luggage, throwing her Coelura cloak over her shoulders. Sirius prattled on, making small jokes which seemed to amuse James without actually touching him.

Hagrid and Professor McGonagall accompanied them to Hogsmeade Station. Hagrid was dabbing at his nose with an enormous purple handkerchief, and Professor McGonagall's eyes were rather red.

"Give my love to your parents," the professor told James.

"Yes, Professor."

"All righ', Lily?" asked Hagrid. Lily nodded, glad that the train was coming in and Hagrid wouldn't have the opportunity to ask how Severus was treating her.

They boarded the train and found an empty compartment. Lily leaned out the window to wave at Professor McGonagall and Hagrid, and then sat down and prepared to doze for a couple of hours.

It was a long, awkward day. Sirius lost interest in trying to amuse James, or perhaps James lost interest in pretending to be amused. They sat in silence for several hours.

This train, unlike the Hogwarts Express, stopped at a number of stations, some familiar, some not. A few didn't even seem to be part of the British Isles, or anywhere else in the dimension that Lily knew. Others had familiar names, but their architecture and the very passengers on the platforms seemed to be fifty years out of date.

A plump little wizard entered their compartment at New Paravel Station. He peered at the three students and said, "Oho! Runaways! Well, Dumbledore will catch up with you eventually," and settled himself in a corner and went to sleep. He snored quite loudly, eliciting a small smile from James.

The witch with the food cart came around at one. James roused himself and bought food for all of them, refusing to accept any money from Lily or Sirius. Lily noticed that the food cart carried far fewer sweets than on the Hogwarts Express.

As he ate, James became more talkative.

"My brother taught me a lot, you know," he said, swallowing the last of his sandwich. He was speaking mostly to Lily; Sirius, of course, had known Stephen Potter since his childhood. "He was amazing -- he's nine years older than me, but he spent a lot of time with me when I was a kid. He told me all about Hogwarts -- the secret passages, where I could find the kitchens, which teachers had a sense of humour."

"Remember when Catriona--" Sirius' sister, Lily knew; she'd been Head Girl in their second year. She was very clever, but extremely strict. "Catriona got so angry with him. Said he was corrupting us. This little fourth year, taking on an old Head Boy like he was a first year Slytherin."

"Yeah, and he was laughing so hard -- and then Iris Parkinson -- that's his fiancée, although she was only his girlfriend then -- she joined in with Black Cat, and he started tickling them. He taught us the Tickling Hex so we could help out.

"Stephen gave me the Invisibility cloak, you know," James went on. "He didn't have to -- it was passed from eldest son to eldest son. But he got a new Cloak when he became an Auror, so he gave the family cloak to me. Dad was mad about it, but Stephen didn't care. He was really proud of me..."

"He was amazing," Sirius said roughly. He turned to Lily. "My mother is Stephen's godmother. She went to school with James' dad, and they've always been friends. A lot of people said that she shouldn't have married a Muggle, but the Potters never went for that sort of thing. Naming Mum as Stephen's godmother was their way of saying it didn't matter."

"Stephen really loved your mum," said James.

"I know. She used to joke about arranging a trade, me for him." Sirius scowled. "Guess she'll finally stop, now."

"I bloody well hope so," said James, sounding more like his usual self. "It'd be pretty hard to choose between my brother and my best mate." He sighed. "I can't think about this any more. Lily, tell me about your family."

"Oh. Well, we're a pretty normal Muggle family, mostly. My dad edits books. Non-fiction, school textbooks, not novels. When we were little, he changed jobs a lot, moving from publisher to publisher, so we moved pretty often. We live near London now, we have a pretty nice place.

"My mother was his secretary. She stopped working after they got married. Now she works three days a week, basically in the same job as before. She's talking about going to university to study literature, because she wants to edit novels.

"My sister's doing a teacher's course, although I kind of think she's just doing that because it's expected of her. She's engaged to some guy named Vernon. Her best friend is his secretary or something. I haven't met him yet, but apparently she's been telling him that I'm some kind of mad hippie. She ... she doesn't like magic."

"Why not?" asked James.

"I don't know. Except that I used to get on all right with her, until I went to Hogwarts. She talks like it's some kind of -- den of iniquity, like we're all dancing naked and sacrificing first years to pagan gods. She's not religious, though, she just hates magic."

Lily could remember being three years old, toddling after Petunia and asking all sorts of questions, questions that only her brilliant, beautiful eight year old sister could answer. Like, why was the sky blue, and why did birds sing, and why did the sun only come out in the daytime, and how come she could see things that everyone else said she was making up?

"I could see things," Lily went on slowly, "the things that only magical people can see. Doorways into hidden wizarding places, and magical creatures. There were no fairies at the bottom of our garden, but she did have a minor gnome infestation for a while. Everyone said I was making it up, and my parents took me to doctors to find out why I was telling these stories long after I was old enough to know better. But Petunia ... she believed me. Or rather, she said she could believe me, she said that she could see them, too. But when I was nine, I found out that she was only playing along.

"I don’t think I've ever really forgiven her for that."

"But you were right," Sirius said. "You got your Hogwarts letter."

"For a couple of days, I thought it was Petunia again, playing a really sick joke. Except that she was really, really disturbed by that letter. She hates the feel of parchment, you know. Says it makes her skin crawl.

"I was disturbed, too. My parents thought that my delusions -- which I'd stopped telling them about a few years earlier -- had returned, and that I was creating objects to feed the psychosis. They made an appointment with a psychologist ... we were just on our way out the door when this little man appeared in the garden. Just appeared out of nowhere."

"Apparition."

"Well yes, I know that now. But at the time, I was just amazed that the rest of my family could see him. He -- his name's Fletcher, Mundungus Fletcher--"

"Uncle Gus!" crowed James. "Oh yeah, we know him."

"Told us the facts of life when we were ten," Sirius added. "It was a traumatic experience."

"Yeah, well, he told me a few facts of life, too. He spent hours explaining to my family that I was a witch, not a lunatic. He demonstrated all sorts of spells, and showed me some simple ones that I could do with his wand. It was ... wonderful."

"That would be so cool," said Sirius fervently. "To learn about it all for the first time."

"That was amazing," Lily agreed. It had been the best day of her life. "But then -- well, nothing's perfect, right? Mr Fletcher took my family into Diagon Alley, and everyone stared at our Muggle clothes, and a few people started whispering behind our backs. And when I hopped on the train to school, the first person I spoke to was Marguerite Da Silva, who called me a Mudblood and hinted that my primary task at school would be to clean up after the Purebloods."

"Lovely."

"Then I met Rosier, and then Geraldine, Narcissa and Mary, who were already inseparable. We got to Hogsmeade, and I was just about ready to drown myself in the lake, when I discovered that I was sharing my boat with the Reynolds twins." Lily's throat tightened at the memory of her lost friends. "They were -- words cannot express the relief I felt, meeting people who didn't look at me as though I was an inferior specimen. They laughed, and smiled, and they could have fitted right in at any of the Muggle schools I went to."

"The twins were fantastic people," Sirius agreed.

"Petunia, though, she never let go of the idea that I'm crazy. She drops little hints, tries to cut me down. She likes to make people think that I'm weird. It works on my grandmother. My aunts think I'm a lost cause, too. Of course, they never liked my mother." Lily frowned.

"My parents had a big fight after Mr Fletcher told them what I am. My mother said something like 'I've been expecting something like this for years.' And Dad asked what she meant, I was a perfectly normal girl, really. They had long talks behind closed doors. The whole house was unnaturally quiet. In the end, they came out and sat me down, and I was sure that they were going to say I couldn't go to Hogwarts.

"But Dad said that they were very proud that I was a witch, and they'd do everything they could to support me, even if it meant lying to the rest of the family, or letting me do things they didn't understand at all."

"How'd your sister take that?" asked James.

Lily laughed bitterly. "How do you think? She said that she'd known I was their favourite all along, and I was crazy, and a freak, and I wasn't really part of the family, and she hated me. And she's hated me ever since."

"Your sister sounds like a right nutter," said Sirius. "Can I meet her? Can I follow her around in the Invisibility cloak until she thinks she's the crazy one?"

"No! That would be -- well, rather funny, really, but no, it would be awful."

"Didn't think you'd go for it. But my dad's family hate Mum because she's a witch, and I'm not allowed to terrorise them ..."

"What does your dad do?"

"He's dead. He died in a car crash when I was two. But he was a pilot in the air force. He was really cool. I have all of his old things -- his clothes, his records, his old motorbike. I don't really remember him, but I feel like I know him."

Lily smiled. "That ... that must be a nice feeling. I don't feel like I know my family at all, anymore."

At that point, a woman entered their compartment, a talkative witch who told them all about her grandchildren, her cats, her arthritis and the insolence of modern Muggles.

At six-thirty, they began to get ready to disembark, searching through the train until they found an empty compartment where they could change into Muggle clothing.

Lily examined her reflection in the window and concentrated until her cloak flowed into the lines of a long jacket with a convenient pocket for her wand. There was no disguising the fact that her boots were made from dragon-hide, but apart from that, she looked like a normal Muggle girl.

The boys looked odd in Muggle clothing. Everything was technically correct, but there was an otherness about them, some quality that set them apart from the boys she'd seen on street corners and in shops. They held themselves differently, and there was an indefinable sense of power in their very presence.

Perhaps she had the same quality, she thought as they passed through the barrier at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. Perhaps it came with being magical.

Looking around, Lily was surprised to recognise Sirius' sister Catriona, widely known as Black Cat. Beside her was a tall, thin woman with the same dark hair and clear blue eyes as the two Blacks. Her eyes were red from crying, and Cat's face was even more serious than usual.

"Oh God..." said James softly. He took a step back, as if to return to the train and escape from the inevitable bad news.

"It's your family, isn't it," breathed Sirius. "Isn't it. James?"

"I can't -- I can't--"

"Lily!"

Lily drew her eyes away from James and turned to find her father approaching.

"Lily, I've been calling you for ages. Hurry up, we need to get back home."

Lily touched Sirius' arm. "I have to go. Tell James -- tell James--"

"I understand," he said. "I will."

Reluctantly, Lily allowed her father to lead her out to the car.

"Couldn’t stand to leave your friends?" he asked. "I'm not surprised. Things are pretty tense at --"

"It wasn't that," Lily interrupted. "It's James -- I think his family must be dead."

"Oh. Well, that's -- sorry."

"How's Mum?"

"Upset." Cautiously, he added, "your grandmother's been telling her things. A last confession, I suppose, but I'm not sure your mother wanted to hear it." More quietly he said, "I'm not sure she can offer absolution, either."

Lily wasn't sure how to respond to that. She wasn't sure she was meant to. She watched the city slide past, brightly lit and strangely surreal after the medieval cosiness of Hogwarts. Her father switched the radio on and hummed along to "Silly Love Songs". Lily leaned back in her chair and tried not to think of James.

to be continued...

notes and credits:

chapter title: from "Fall for You" by the Whitlams.

New Paravel Station: a reference to Cair Paravel, the Narnian seat of government. 'Course, C. S. Lewis is probably spinning in his grave at the thought of a train in Narnia...

"Silly Love Songs" was by Wings, the Band That Paul McCartney Did After the Beatles. It was a #1 hit early in 1976.

First posted to ff.net on June 14, 2002.

Feedback to [email protected]
Webpage: http://elizabeth.gatefiction.com/
Lily fic and chapter updates: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/whiteasphodel/join
LiveJournal: http://www.livejournal.com/users/lizbee/