To Deceive Thyself

She had never really been accepted by any group at Hogwarts. A perpetual outcast among the other students although she hadn't realized it at first. She had gone to Hogwarts anxious for friends and adventure. Adventure she had found as she explored the many passageways of Hogwarts and the secrets within. But she had never found companionship. Still she had loved being a student at Hogwarts; it was her home away from home. Not that her childhood had been bad, she had fond memories of her smoke-filled room. Her parents had tolerated her and encouraged her even if they thought she was a bit eccentric. They had a point too, she was quite eccentric, becoming more so as she grew older.

At Hogwarts she had searched for a place where she could always go to feel balanced and complete. Many students sought the library but the many books bored her and the smell was too sterile. The teachers didn't seem to understand her, and her companions in the common room constantly taunted and teased her. Finally she found the tower; she could climb up a ladder, go through a trap door and find solitude.

She continued to be lonely at Hogwarts, but she was too different from the other students to be able to mix well with them. Special, she convinced herself, not different, special. And indeed she was. She saw things, subtle things in normal things. And days later she'd find that they'd had relevance. And then she realized one day in Divination that she must be blessed with the Sight. Few seemed to care or believe so kept to her tower reading into the Future. The tower became her home, few people went up there and soon it was her own place of balance. The other kids had considered her strange and only worth bullying or teasing, nothing more, but she took it all in silence, putting it to the back of her mind as though it had not happened.

One day in her seventh year she realized that soon she'd be leaving Hogwarts forever. The idea haunted her and she began to dread the day. Meanwhile she began wondering what she would do afterwards with her life. Suddenly she began to fear the Future as she never had before, she could no longer see into the depths of the crystal ball and predict tomorrow. She began to realize what was happening: she was losing her Sight. Still, she convinced herself that it was impossible and soon she had lost her true Sight only to replace it with fraud. Still she persisted, lying even to herself and convincing her own mind that she was true and still gifted with a view of the Future until finally she was so encompassed in a life of deceit that she had nearly lost all of the true potential and true divining she had at one point possessed.

The day that she would have to leave the school came closer until finally it had arrived and she found herself in the streets, drowning herself in sherry and predicting the Future to anyone who passed, yelling at them when they told her to shut up, cursing them and their lives. The Future seemed to have forgotten her, to have left her behind. The Future, the thing that had interested her most, the thing she had considered her friend and ally in the world. The only area in which she had excelled was lost to her. But still she deceived herself and became surer of her magical eye.

Then, one day, as she rummaged through a heap of garbage near her small, broken house, she saw an article saying that Hogwarts needed a new divination teacher. Her heart leaped at the thought and immediately she contacted Dumbledore about an interview. The interview went well and suddenly she found herself back at her old home, in her tower, surrounded by smoke and once more contemplating the Future.

And yet she never did recover completely. Her Sight was fake, and even if she didn't realize it many of her students did. She felt an aching twinge in her heart the day the Hermione girl walked out. 'What have I done wrong?' she wondered, but she pushed it to the back of her mind, as she always did. Her position at the school hadn't changed much, she hardly had any friends among the teachers and the students looked at her in either awe or, the majority, annoyance, still she pushed it to the back of her mind and drowned herself in false-pretences, imagining the world differently and convincing herself that it was so.

Then came the day she got fired and the incident with Firenze. Anger. Fear. So many emotions pushing at her attempting to pull her under and topple the world of lies and defense that she had built. Pushed into the back of her mind. Everything was there, the bullying during her school years, the fear, the anger, the regret. So many emotions bursting to be heard and felt. All threatening to overwhelm her and she began to fear they would start coming out. They began to haunt her more and more and soon she was back to drink sherry and shuffling her cards attempting to find the Future that she had lost so long ago.

Then she met Luna Lovegood during Luna's third year at Hogwart's and first year of divination, just the sight of her awakened memories in her mind. There was the bullying, the regret, the honesty and the act of pushing it all to the back of her mind. She recognized this girl as a reflection of herself, different in many ways, of course, without the Sight and interested in different things.

Luna treated her differently than the other students did. There was no awe or annoyance, merely friendly manners, someone seeking conversation with whoever would talk. They didn't see much of each other and yet it was enough. She watched Luna as an obsession, seeing how Luna coped and comparing it to the way she had when she was at school. She let her anger out when Luna pushed hers back, Luna was bullied but she was made, anger was gone. She feared for the strange blond girl and fear was expressed and vanished. She listened as Luna talked calmly and without regret about her mother and she felt regret for Luna. Regret was gone. She began to let the emotions she had for so long kept unexpressed go as she watched the girl grow and survive school.

The lies that formed her life began to become clearer and she began to see through her own fraud. It was Luna's last year at Hogwarts when she finally realized that she had lost the Sight, that she had been a fake for so many years and that she had lost her gift sometime during her seventh year. She asked if she could resign from her teaching post, tears in her eyes and burning across her cheeks She asked for a week to pack. It was with regret that she faced her time away from Hogwarts and with fear that she faced the Future. She let the emotions consume her during the night only to be replaced with as much determination as she could muster during the day. Then, on her final day at the school she loved so much, as she sipped the last of her tea, she saw it in the midst of her tea leaves. She saw her Future and a glimpse of other truths about the world. Warmth consumed her as she realized that she was back. No longer was there deceit, she was who she had been when she started, but this time she was smarter and prepared to survive. She had all the knowledge and power she needed in the tea leaves, cards and planets. The world was hers to explore and enjoy.

The day she left she saw several students crying, others merely smiled at each other, relieved. She saw Luna Lovegood in the midst of the faces. Luna gave her a smile and a small wave and she found herself smiling back at her. She stepped inside the carriage and began the journey that would last her lifetime. The world was full of mysteries and her Sight was keen enough to allow her to see through the smoke of time. She looked fondly back at the school that held so many memories. She engraved it into her memory and turned away, never to look back.