Lily Lost

The damp air hung heavily in a thick, smog-like mist. Small rodents skirted near the moldy stonewalls, this was the only place they were welcome. A man sat at the dilapidated wooden desk near the front of the dismal room, his head resting on his hands. He seemed unaware of his surrounding, his mind being somewhere else, locked in its hellish prison of unwanted memories.

Lily, beautiful, fragile, Lily, she had been the only person he hadn’t wanted to ever hurt and had become the only person that he had.

A soft moan escaped the man’s lips; he did not want to remember.

The quiet Ravenclaw who had dared to love him, a callous, friendless Slytherin; The delicate flower he had poisoned and scarred and, ultimately, destroyed.

The man shook his head violently in an attempt to banish these thoughts away, but ghostly insistence bid him to remember and so he unwillingly did.

She had been a soft-spoken child with long red-gold hair and gigantic emerald eyes. Many boys had chased after her innocent presence, the greatest of her pursuers being James Potter. However, she didn’t notice any of them, her studies occupied all her time.

She hadn’t been infallible though. No one who loved him could ever be perfect. Though strong in nearly all her subjects, Potions had been her weakness.

She had asked him for help and he had agreed. So the two met each night in the dungeon after Professor Pernichad submitted to slumber in his chambers.

At first they had been merely tutor and student, however as time passed they became friends. After he had patiently coached her through the creation of a potion, the two would sit at one of the back tables; she perching calmly atop the thick, wooden surface, he casually sitting on one of the stools, and they would talk. Sometimes the topic would be about classes or tests, other times it was about dreams and failures. However the topic is insignificant. All that mattered was that they had discovered who each other really were. He had been an ambitious teen who wanted to eradicate evil from the world and she had been a careful recorder and writer who someday wished to change someone’s life with something that she had written.

The man’s throat tightened as he tried to hold back his tears. Why couldn’t these memories remain buried where they belonged? Only more recollections replied.

Many boys would call out to Lily in hallways and classrooms, but she’d ignored them all. However, once, when he had passed near her, she had stopped him with a tentative hand on his shoulder, and with a soft, open smile had whispered,

“Good Morning, Severus. I hope I’ll see you later.”

Then she had gently disappeared through a nearby doorway. After he had turned away from her he had noticed James scowling at him with a menacing gleam in his eye. That was when the trouble had begun.

At school, the Marauders were the Kings of revenge and humiliation. Although popular with the teachers and their own House, they had been feared by everyone else. James was their leader; anyone who annoyed him soon felt the wrath of the Marauders. He had been no exception.

They switched his wand with a fake one that did the opposite as commanded, blocked him from his common room for a week, and had destroyed his latest, ‘top-of-the-line’ broom by giving it to the newly planted Whomping Willow. Basically, the made his life miserable. Soon, Lily became his only comfort and friend.

The man pounded his fist onto the desk in rage, tears streaming down his face. Why couldn’t he stop reminiscing?

Once, after a particularly horrid day, he had snapped at Lily when she made a mistake with one of the potions. Her abashed gaze and hurried apologies shamed him. He had managed to catch her before she had fled to apologize, but instead of speaking, he kissed her. The kiss had been everything he was not, soft, caring, tender, and had forced him to realize that he had fallen in love. After that they still met each night, but he no longer tutored her.

He would cradle her in his arms as they talked of the future and spun simple dreams for themselves. However, the best part of each night was after they kissed good night when he would murmur softly,

“I love you, Lily”

And she would tenderly reply,

“I love you, too, Severus.”

The man felt as if he had been gutted and left to die in a lake of brine. They had to stop. If they did not, he would be destroyed. He couldn’t live through this again. However, it was time for the worst to begin their merciless onslaught. And so they continued.

Precious, innocent Lily, he had never wanted to hurt her, but he did and in the worst way possible for any human being to hurt another. She had been so fragile; he had been too cruel.

After school ended, he and Lily became engaged. She wore his ring, a tiny silver band with a flower imprinted on one side and he wore hers, and light gold band with a serpent engraved around the edge. He still had his and wore it on a chain around his neck. Five days before they were to be wed, the Dark Lord had visited him. Voldemort did not waste time with any niceties and within ten minutes of his arrival, made the talented potions master a Death Eater. He was probably one of the very few who could actually claim to have been under the spell of the Imperious Curse. It was under that horrible curse that he called off the engagement, told Lily he despised her, and killed her father right before her eyes. It was under that curse that he hurt Lily in the worst imaginable way.

She never forgave him.

Soon after she and James Potter, who had comforted her after his actions, married and moved to Godric’s Hollow, where she bore a son. He knew she wasn’t happy there with James, he knew her well enough to know that and it killed him that he had done this to her. He hated James Potter for locking her into a life she could never enjoy. Only the baby, Harry, gave her any happiness. He knew this for he had watched her silently everyday since the murder. He no longer associated with Voldemort, except as a spy, and had become a Professor at Hogwarts. He had still loved her though.

He wished so much that she would have forgiven him, that she would have whispered one last time that she loved him. He lifted his head; the barrage of memories had finally ebbed away. He was nearly relieved, but then he noticed a shimmer of a shadow perched calmly on one of the back desks. When he blinked the specter was gone. However, he noticed a white slip of paper on the desk where the apparition had been. He crossed to the desk hurriedly. What he found was a note written in a hand he had thought he would never see again.

Dearest Severus,

I forgive you. I’m only sorry I hadn’t long ago.

Perhaps then we could have had that life we had planned so very long ago.

I love you, Severus. I always have.

I will be waiting for you when it is your time.

Yours forever,

Lily

He gawked at the brief note for a long moment, almost believing it, but finally dismissed it as some cruel, elaborate joke. However, before he could tear it to shreds, the damp, gloomy mist lifted and he smiled quietly. For the room smelled distinctly of lilies.