Meaning

Meaning

Seamus sighed as he walked through the stacks of the library, searching for Dark Hexes: and the Evil Wizards Who Used Them by Emma Goody. He paused, however, when he heard two familiar voices from the other side of the shelf. He peered through the books and saw Harry and Ron sitting at a table close to the shelves.

"I can't believe you did that, Harry. Tell me it's not true. Tell me Hermione's wrong for once," Ron was saying.

Harry looked slightly more sullen than usual. "I don't see why it's such a big deal."

Ron stared at him in shock. "A big deal? Of course, it's a big deal, Harry. It was a one-night stand, and you left without saying anything. I can't believe you'd do something like that to anyone."

"Seamus does it all the time," Harry retorted.

Seamus bristled. That was an insult if he ever heard one.

"That's different," Ron insisted.

"Why?" Harry asked, his voice getting louder and angrier. "Why is it that Seamus can do it and I can't?"

Ron shrugged. "It's different with Seamus. Everyone knows it doesn't mean anything for him."

Normally, Seamus would have been gravely insulted and done a lot of yelling when overhearing something like that. But the simple way that Ron had said it, as if it were a fact and nothing else, stopped him from losing his temper.

Is that what everyone thinks of me? he wondered. Do they all think it means nothing?

With this worrying thought, all other matters drifted into obscurity, even his curiosity about who Harry had slept with. He saw Dark Hexes on the shelf in front of him, so he picked it up. Then he made his way back to his table.

~~~~

Later that night, Seamus sat in his bed with Dark Hexes in front of him. He wasn't really reading though. He was still thinking about Ron's comment. The words blurred on the page and faded in and out of focus. Sighing, Seamus looked up to where Dean was studying on his own bed.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?" Dean answered without looking up.

"Do people take me seriously?"

Dean looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Are you ever serious?"

Seamus scowled. "I mean with feelings and stuff."

"I don't know what you mean," Dean said.

Seamus looked down at his lap and picked at his nails rather uncharacteristically.

"I mean do people take my...attentions seriously?"

Dean paused, considering his answer.

"But, Seamus, you aren't serious about them."

Seamus threw up his hands in frustration, voice rising a little. "Then they don't take me seriously!"

"Of course not. You change partners as often as most people change sheets."

"I don't mean to," Seamus yelled, getting off his bed and facing Dean. "I can't believe people think that!"

Dean scowled, standing up as well. "Stop yelling, Seamus! You can't expect people to take you seriously when you can't stay with someone longer than a week."

"But I don't mean to dump them! It's not like I plan it."

"So, you use people by accident," Dean said.

Seamus was shocked into silence for several moments. Dean was never sarcastic.

"No, not by accident. But I don't mean to use people. I don't understand why people think I do."

Dean's face softened at Seamus' tone. "Maybe if you stuck with someone, instead of dumping them after it gets physical."

"I can't," Seamus protested, trying to keep the whiney tone out of his voice. "That would be worse."

"How? How could it be worse than just dropping people?" Dean asked scathingly.

"Dropping people is better than leading them on," Seamus retorted loudly. He was more hurt by Dean's words than he would have expected.

"How is a second date leading someone on?"

"If I already know they're not the one, then it is leading them on!"

"How can you know? How can you tell in such a short time?" Dean yelled back.

"THEY'RE NOT YOU! I CAN'T STAY WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT YOU!"

A heavy silence fell on the room. Dean just stared at Seamus. Seamus' eyes were wide with shock. He hadn't meant to say that, but as usual, when he got angry he lost control of his words. His heart clenched. He hadn't wanted to be yelling when he told Dean how he felt, but it had already happened. All he could do now was wait for a reaction.

No reaction was forthcoming. Seamus grew more and more nervous, and Dean just stared.

"Say something," Seamus pleaded.

"Are you serious?"

Dean's words were so soft Seamus almost missed them. Even so, there was something in them that sounded like hope and Seamus' heart soared. He took a few steps towards Dean.

"Yes. More serious than I've ever been in my life." Dean didn't respond, so Seamus continued, "All those people, Dean. I was just trying to find someone like you. I didn't think you'd ever want me, so I was looking for a substitute. Except, something would happen, like a snog or a shag, and I'd realize that they weren't you. I'd realize that no one could be you. Then, I'd drop them, so that I didn't lead them on. After a while, I'd convince myself that I could find someone else, and the whole cycle would start again. I love you, Dean."

A sharp intake of breath from Dean was the only sound. Seamus sighed softly. Dean could never want him. Better now to just apologize.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to tell you all that. We can just pretend it never happened, alright?"

"No." Dean's voice was very hard and Seamus looked up from his feet to meet Dean's eyes.

"No, what?" he asked, not really understanding.

"No, we can't pretend it never happened."

Seamus searched Dean's eyes for what that meant, but Dean was unusually inscrutable. Seamus could find no explanation.

"But-"

Dean interrupted him by putting his fingers to Seamus' lips.

"You have no idea now long I've waited to hear that," he said.

Seamus' eyes widened and his heart swelled. Dean removed his fingers and Seamus opened his mouth to speak. However, this time his words were silenced by Dean's lips.

Seamus was so shocked at the feel of Dean's warm lips against his own that he couldn't even close his eyes, let alone respond. Dean's lips were softer and larger than Seamus had expected. They moved against Seamus' softly, gently, almost reverently. It was only when Dean's tongue darted into his partially open mouth that Seamus' eyes flickered closed, accompanied by a moan, and he responded.

Seamus had often heard fairy tales as a child on his mother's knee. In the fairy tales, kisses between true loves had always included fireworks, birds, bells or angels singing. Kissing Dean wasn't like that.

Kissing Dean was like coming home after a long time away. Kissing Dean was like finding a place you belonged. Kissing Dean was safety, excitement, exhilaration and peace. Kissing Dean was everything that kissing anyone else wasn't. Kissing Dean was perfect.

When they broke apart, Seamus opened his eyes to look at Dean. There was a small, but satisfied, smile on Dean's face and his eyes glowed happily, with a look that was usually reserved for his art.

Dean looked so beautiful and perfect that Seamus couldn't help but speak.

"I love you, Dean."

Dean's smile grew and Seamus thought his heart might explode.

"I love you, too, Seamus."

Seamus leaned forward and kissed him again.

~~~~

Half an hour later, they lay tangled together, fully clothed, and breathless on Dean's bed. Seamus knew his lips were swollen and his hair was rumpled but Dean was looking at him with so much love that it didn't matter.

"So, are we boyfriends, now?" Seamus asked.

"Yeah. I'd like that."

"Me too."

"This means you can't have anyone else now, Seamus."

Seamus smiled softly and lifted a hand to caress Dean's cheek.

"There never was anyone else, Dean."