When She Loved Me

When She Loved Me

~*~*~*~*~*~

Professor Severus Snape sat in his office, down in the dungeons of Hogwarts, late at night on Halloween. He reached to his desk for the half empty glass of brandy, which was standing next to the empty bottle. He sighed, and then took a sip. It was fifteen years ago, tonight. The anniversary of the night the only girl he'd ever love had been taken from him.

Well, perhaps not from him specifically, but from the world in general. She had been taken from him long before that. Technically, he'd lost her during the Christmas holidays in 1975, their seventh year at Hogwarts. But she was still gone now. It didn't matter when he'd lost her. She was gone. Gone because she'd tried to save the boy who was now sixteen and sleeping up in the sixth-year Gryffindor boys' dorms. Severus scowled at the thought of Harry Potter. He looked just like James, except he had his mother's eyes. The eyes that Severus had loved in her and now hated in her son. Potter had stolen her eyes, just like his father had stolen her heart.

"Curse James Potter," muttered Severus. "And curse his son too. It's their fault she's dead."

As Severus downed the rest of the brandy his thoughts slipped back to another time, a better time. A time when he was loved.

~~~~

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

~~~~

"What are you doing here?" a sixteen year-old Severus said to the girl on the park bench.

She looked up, her red hair momentarily blinding him by reflecting the sun.

"What do you mean?" she asked bitterly. "This is a public place, isn't it? I can sit here if I want."

"Sure, I guess," he mumbled. "I just meant what are you doing around here? You don't live near here, do you, Evans?"

"My name is Lily, thank you very much," the girl said. "I don't really care for the way everyone uses last names at school. And yes, I do live around here. Just down the street actually. What are you doing here, Severus? Don't you have some babies to steal candy from or something?"

"No," Severus spat. "I live near here too. This is where I come everyday. And I don't steal candy from babies, Lily." He said her name as if it were an insult. "I do have some morals."

Lily looked up at him curiously, as if he were a puzzle she'd like to figure out. "You come here everyday?" she asked. "Out with all the," her voice lowered for the next word, "Muggles?"

"Yes, I'm not afraid of them or anything."

"I know," she said honestly. "I just thought you hated them."

"Well," he responded, avoiding her eye, "there are just some things that are expected of Slytherins."

Lily studied him for a few minutes while he looked around the park. It was full of Muggle women and their children, come out to enjoy the lovely July day.

"You know what, Severus," Lily said after a bit. "I think we could be friends, you and I. I think there's more to you than you like to show."

Severus turned his head to look down at her face. He had to look a little over his shoulder because he was somewhat in front of her.

"You think we could be friends?" he echoed, disbelievingly. "A Gryffindor and a Slytherin?"

She nodded and scooted over, patting the bench beside her. Without another word, Severus backed up and sat down.

"So," she said, starting the conversation, "how did you do on the O.W.L.'s?"

And that was how their friendship began.

~~~~

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears

~~~~

"Lily? What's wrong?" Severus asked approaching the figure huddled in the corner of the deserted classroom. The sixteen year-old girl sobbed harder.

"It's James again, isn't it?"

Lily could only nod through her tears.

"What did he do this time?"

"He...he...he's taking Samantha to the End-of-Year Ball," Lily cried.

Severus frowned. "Your best friend? Why are you crying, then? You don't...want to go with him, do you?" His stomach clenched, praying her answer was no, and not knowing what he would do if it wasn't.

"No," she sobbed. "But I don't want Samantha to."

Severus dropped down to the floor awkwardly. Crying girls weren't really part of his field of expertise.

"Well then, why are you crying? If you don't want to go with him, what does it matter if your best friend does?"

"Oh, I don't know why, Severus," Lily said, still not raising her head from her knees. "I just don't, that's all."

"You know, he's probably just trying to make you jealous."

Lily let out a very un-ladylike snort. "Well, it's not working."

Severus smiled one of his rare, wry smiles. "Then, you've won, haven't you?"

Lily stopped crying and looked up at him. "W-what?"

"You've won. If he's trying to make you jealous, and you're not jealous, he's lost. Which means, you win," he explained, logically.

Lily sniffled a bit, before smiling at him. "You're right," she said softly. "I have won." She rubbed her red eyes, removing the final few tears, and stood up. "Thank you, Severus. You're a good friend."

He stood up as well. Noticing one final tear slowly falling down her cheek he reached out and dried it with his thumb. "There's no need to cry over anything he does, Lily."

She looked down at the floor, looking slightly embarrassed that he'd seen her like that. "I know. It's just sometimes I do," she whispered.

Severus nodded, even though she wasn't looking and didn't see. He took a deep breath and gathered his courage to do something he'd been planning to do for a while. No time like the present, right?

"Lily," he said, "you don't have a date to the Ball yet, do you? Because I thought we could go, you know, together, if you want."

Lily looked up from the spot on the floor to gaze into his eyes. For a moment he saw hesitation, but then her eyes softened and she smiled.

"I'd love to go with you, Severus," she said quietly.

He smiled a little and let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"Good," he said.

And that was how their relationship began.

~~~~

And when she was happy, so was I, when she loved me.

~~~~

"Oh my Lord, Sev! You'll never guess what happened," Lily yelled as she ran up to her boyfriend in the park.

When she reached him, he raised an eyebrow. "You got Head Girl?"

Her smile dimmed. "How did you know?"

He shook his head at her. "You've been waiting for it all summer," he said. "I just assumed only that could make you so happy."

She smiled again. "Well, you're right! I'm Head Girl. Isn't it exciting?"

He smiled a true smile, something he never, ever did for anyone but her. "Yes, it is. I'm very happy for you, Lil." He reached out and put his arms around her waist.

She looked up at him. "What are you doing?"

His normally pale cheeks reddened slightly. "Well, I was going to give you a congratulations kiss," he said quietly.

She turned almost as red as her hair. "We're in public, Sev."

"I'm not allowed to kiss my girlfriend in public?" he asked.

Again, he saw that hesitation that he always saw, until she shook her head and leaned in slightly. Their lips met for a few seconds before she pulled away.

"Good for you, Lily," he whispered.

"Thanks."

He didn't let go of her, though. He looked into her eyes, the green eyes that he loved so much.

"Lily, we've been seeing each other for two months right?"

She furrowed her brows in confusion. "Yes, since the end of the school year."

"Well, that's kind of a long time and I don't want this to be premature, but I ...I love you, Lily Evans."

Shock was written all over her face. He knew she hadn't been expecting that and he knew he never talked about his feelings but he just couldn't keep that in anymore. He figured since she was already happy he might as well tell her. He stood there, patiently waiting for some kind of reaction, his arms still around her waist.

"I ...I l-love you too, Sev," she finally muttered.

He smiled and leaned in for another short kiss.

And that was how his love for her grew.

~~~~

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be

~~~~

Severus watched his girlfriend during their Care of Magical Creatures class. She knew what she was doing. She always did. He loved that about her. He loved everything about her. She was the only girl he'd ever love. He knew that for sure. They were meant for each other, in his opinion. If he couldn't have her, he didn't want anybody.

And that was how his seventh year began.

~~~~

And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her

And I knew that she loved me.

~~~~

"Lily, what are you doing up here?" Severus asked.

"W-what? Oh Sev, it's just you," she said.

It's just you. The words echoed in his ears. They hurt him. Just him. He shook it off and sat down on the cold stone floor of the Astronomy Tower.

"Yeah, it's me," he said. "What are you doing here?"

"Just thinking," she said, looking up at him.

He saw her red eyes and gasped.

"Lily, you've been crying," he said, shocked. What would she have to cry about?

"Well... yes, I have," she admitted slowly.

"Why?"

"Sev, do you know what day it is?"

Severus frowned. How was that relevant? He answered anyway. "It's the twenty-first of November."

She nodded. "It's my sister, Petunia's birthday. My parents are throwing her a party. I sent her a card, but...but it's not the same."

"So...you miss your family? Is that it?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes. I'm lonely, Sev. I miss my family, and I don't have any real friends in Gryffindor. Samantha stopped talking to me last year, remember? She was the only one I had, and now she's gone."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about Samantha. Did you ever figure out why she stopped talking to you?"

"I think it's because James ruined her time at the ball last year. He kept looking at me, remember? He didn't pay any attention to her, and she holds it against me."

"Oh. Well, that's unfair. You don't need her, Lil. She's not being a good friend, after all."

Lily looked at him with a hurt look on her face. "But she was my only friend in Gryffindor, Sev. Without her, I have no one."

Severus put a hand on her knee. "You have me."

"But that's different."

"Aren't I enough, Lily?"

She looked at him again. "Severus, a person can't live on one friendship alone. They need other people too."

"I do."

"You do what?" she asked.

"Live on one friendship. You're enough for me. I don't need anybody else."

"Well, I do," she said, sounding very frustrated. "You're great, Sev, but I need other people's friendship too. I'm a social person, you know."

"I know," he sighed. He'd never be enough for her. He just wasn't good enough. He didn't know why he'd ever thought he could be enough.

"Thanks, Sev," she said, breaking his train of thoughts.

"For what?"

"For being there for me. I'm glad I have you to be my friend. I'm not totally alone."

"No, you're not."

Lily got up and walked towards the stairs out of the Tower. "I love you, Sev. You're a great friend," she said, before disappearing through the door.

He sat there in silence for a minute.

"But I thought I was your boyfriend," he said. The wind blew across the Tower and carried away his words before anyone else heard. Snow slowly started to fall around the Tower. Winter had come at last.

And that was how their relationship began falling apart.

~~~~.

So the years went by, I stayed the same

But she began to drift away, I was left alone

~~~~

"What's wrong with you today, Sev?" Lily asked.

"James Potter and his friends are planning something for the Christmas break, Lily. I'm going to catch them this time. I'll get them expelled for sure."

"Just leave them alone, Sev. What's got into you? You're different."

"No, I'm not. You are. I thought you hated them."

"I don't hate anybody, Sev. I don't know what's going on with you, but come see me when it's over, all right?"

* * * *

"Sev! What did you do? You could have gotten killed!" Lily yelled, bursting into the Hospital Wing. The old matron, Madam Florence, was sleeping in her office and didn't hear.

"I was trying to catch them, Lil. I almost did too. Black should be expelled but Dumbledore took pity on him, just because he's a Gryffindor," Severus said bitterly.

"Sev, that was so dangerous. Remus could've killed you. He's trying his hardest to be safe and you go and do that," she said with great disappointment in her voice.

"You knew?" he asked, feeling very shocked. "You knew he's a you-know-what?"

"Of course, I knew. James told me, earlier this year. That's why I told you to leave them alone."

"James? James Potter?" he said, raising his voice a little. "What's he doing telling you things?"

Lily backed up a bit, slightly disturbed by his tone. "He was being my friend, Sev. He's different this year. He isn't cocky anymore, and I need a friend, all right? I've been very clear that that's all we are. Friends."

"That's not what he wants, Lily."

"I can't help what he wants. I've established we're only friends."

"Well, I don't trust him," he said looking out the Hospital Wing window at the snow that was softly falling.

"I should think you'd be a little grateful to James, Severus. If he hadn't pulled you back, I don't want to know what would've happened."

"I still don't trust him," he said, not looking away from the window.

Lily made a very frustrated noise. "I can't have this discussion with you now. I just can't. Talk to me when you grow up, Sev," she said, throwing a wrapped up package on his bed.

He finally looked away from the window. "Are you breaking up with me, Lil?"

"Consider this a break, Sev. If you can show me, you're ready to trust me, then I'll take you back. We're on hiatus for now, okay?"

Knowing he didn't have a choice, Severus nodded. Lily walked out of the Hospital Wing, looking back only to glance at the prone figure of James Potter lying four beds away, still unconscious from the night before.

Severus looked down at the package lying on his knees. The red and green paper caught the light and the little Santa Clauses seemed to mock him.

"Happy Christmas, Severus," he told himself bitterly.

* * * *

"Sev, I don't think we can do this anymore. I can't, at least. I'm lying to myself and to you. I'm your friend, Sev. That's all I'll ever be, really. I love you like a brother. I think we should just be friends, okay?" Lily said, reaching out a hand before changing her mind and pulling it back.

Severus nodded, not agreeing but accepting. "Okay."

Lily smiled, misunderstanding his reaction. "Thanks, Sev." She hugged him like a brother and said into his ear, "You're like a brother to me, Sev. You really are. I'm glad you see it this way too."

She smiled at him once more, and walked away, back to her new friends, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter.

And that was how their relationship ended.

* * * *

She began talking to him less and less. Eventually, they stopped talking all together. He never took the time to find her, and she got tired of always looking for him.

By Easter break rumours spread to him that she was dating Potter. Their behaviour in the Great Hall proved the rumours true. He was shocked. She'd always been against kissing in public.

That was when Lucius Malfoy had come to him with a proposition, a proposition that he readily accepted.

On their graduation, he didn't even say 'congratulations'.

And that was how their friendship ended.

~~~~

Still I waited for the day, when she'd say, "I will always love you."

~~~~

"That'll be three Knuts, sir," the Daily Prophet seller said.

A twenty year-old Severus reached into his pocket for the money. He grabbed the paper and shoved the three coins at the boy viciously before storming away. Time had done nothing to soften his temperament.

He apparated to his family's house, well his house now, and then walked to the park. He sat down on the bench where he'd first made friends with Lily Evans. He always sat there. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought she'd come back to him. His logic was, if she were going to come back to him she'd come to the park, so he should be there for when she came. As of yet, she hadn't come, but he never did lose hope.

Severus opened the newspaper and scanned the headlines. You-Know-Who's Latest Victims was the one on the front page. Others like it scattered the inside, Who's On His List, What You Should Do To Be Careful and Why, The McKinnons: All Dead. He wasn't sure why he did it but he turned to the page where announcements were made. It listed things like births, weddings and, more often these days, deaths. He was about to scan the deaths list just to make sure she wasn't on it, when something else caught his eye. It tore through his chest like a knife. His eyes filled with tears, something they hadn't done in years. All his hope was dashed forever. She hadn't even sent him an invitation. He continued to stare at the words, hoping they'd change. They didn't change. In fact, they fairly jumped out at him.

Michael and Rose Evans would like to announce the marriage of their daughter Lily Carey Evans to James Matthew Potter, Esq. that occurred on the 16^th of April 1978.

And that was how what was left of his heart broke into a million pieces.

~~~~

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way,

~~~~

"Severus Snape. Well, well, well, I didn't expect to see you here."

"I'm here with Lucius Malfoy, Black. I'd advise you to get out of my sight."

The musicians went on playing, unaware of the arising conflict just a few feet away. The party went on around them, but Severus and Black were locking in a stare down, both showing the grudges they'd been holding for four years, ever since Black had almost got Severus killed.

"I do what I want, Snivellus. Not what people like you tell me."

"I had thought you might have grown up these four years since you left school, Black, but I see now that it was too much to hope for."

"Listen here, Snape," Black growled. "I don't trust you. I'd better not see you near James or Lily all right."

That caught Severus' attention. "They're here?"

"Yes, they are. And you'd better not go near them."

"I thought Lily was pregnant. What's she doing here?"

"Mrs. Potter is pregnant," Black said, emphasizing her new title, rubbing in the fact that Severus had lost her long ago. "She'd due in a month but she's here to have fun, like the rest of us. Part of this party is to give James an award, after all. He couldn't accept it without his wife present." Again, Black rubbed in the word 'wife'. "You'd better not ruin her time, Snape, or I'll personally see to it that you pay for it."

Severus simply raised his eyebrows and walked away. Unconsciously, his eyes scanned the rest of the party, looking for her. Then, for a moment, the crowd parted and he saw her, standing with Potter a mere fifteen feet away. She had her back to him and he didn't think she'd see him, but she slowly turned around and her eyes, her beautiful green eyes, locked with his.

And that was how his heart found its pieces again.

~~~~

Then she smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,

Like she loved me, when she loved me

~~~~

"Severus."

He didn't actually hear her say it. Really, all he saw was her mouth it, but that was close enough. He could practically hear her voice in his ears, like he had countless times, years before. She looked away and grabbed Potter's arm. They spoke for a moment before she smiled, kissed his cheek and turned away from him. She started moving towards Severus as fast as an eight-month pregnant woman can move. He stood stock still, too shocked to do anything.

When she reached him, she smiled. "Hello Severus," she said. Over Lily's shoulder, Severus saw Potter standing a little ways away, looking at them and smiling. Severus finally saw the difference between him and Potter. Severus wanted what made him happy. Potter wanted whatever made her happy. Severus knew that Potter made her happy and Severus wanted Lily to be happy. The only thing was Severus wanted Lily to be happy with him, and he hated Potter for having the one thing in the world that he wanted most: Lily's love.

His hatred for Potter almost boiled over before he felt Lily's arms wrap around his neck as she enveloped him in a hug, like an old friend. The way she had when they were in school, the way she had when she said she loved him like a brother. That wasn't the love he'd wanted, but that was love all the same. He realized that it was like she had said; she couldn't help what he wanted. He still hated Potter but he could live with that. He couldn't live with what he had been doing for the last four years. Not if Lily still had faith in him. Ever so slowly, Severus wrapped his arms around her and hugged back.

And that was how his heart ever so slowly put itself back together.

~~~~

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me.

~~~~

Dumbledore looked up as Severus entered the office. "Ah, Severus Snape. This is quite a surprise. I haven't seen you since you graduated. To what do I owe the honour of your visit?"

Severus looked down at his feet. He closed his eyes momentarily and saw Lily's face, smiling happily at him, trusting him; never knowing that at that precise moment evil wizards were plotting her whole family's murder and that he'd been helping them. He took a breath and gathered his courage.

"Headmaster, I have something to confess."

And that was how Severus saved his own life.