Perfect

Perfect

Hey, Dad, look at me,

"Dad, I'm not a kid anymore!" I cried. "I can take care of myself!"

"You're still just a boy, Sirius!" Dad yelled. "I told you to be back by 11, and it's 1:30! Go to bed, you stupid boy!"

"Look at me, Dad! Have you ever remembered the day I was born? If you haven't noticed, Dad, it's been sixteen years!"

Think back and talk to me,

"You're only sixteen, for crying out loud! GO TO YOU ROOM!"

"What did I ever do wrong, Dad? What did I ever do?" I said.

Did I grow up according to

Plan?

"You have disobeyed me countless times!" Dad shouted. "You waste your time doing childish things..."

"Childish things? Dad, I was at Pete's house!"

And do you think I'm wasting my time,

Doing things I wanna do,

"Doing what?"

"TALKING TO MY BEST FRIEND!"I screamed.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME, TOO!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS DOING THAT LAST TIME TOO!"

"I FROWN ON YOUR MISBEHAVIOR! GO TO YOUR ROOM, SIRIUS!"

But it hurts when you disapprove

All along.

"WHAT MISBEHAVIOR???" I cried. "I EVEN FLOOED MUM TO TELL HER I'D BE GONE LONGER!"

"SHE NEVER TOLD ME!"

"IS THAT MY FAULT???" I cried. Tears were crawling into my eyes as I screamed at the man I used to call 'Daddy.'

And now I try hard to make it,

I just wanna make you

Proud.

"You're lying!" he said.

"I'm not!" I cried. "You can even ask mum..."

"She's not here!" Dad cried. "Stop lying to me! We have gone through this every week, all summer! Apologize!"

"I'm sorry, even though I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to be sorry for!" I cried.

"Sorry isn't good enough this time, Sirius!"

"Will I ever do good enough, Dad?" I choked. "Will I ever?"

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

Can't pretend that I'm all right.

"Apparently not, if all you do is hang around your little friends! I'll bet you haven't even started your holiday work!"

"It's almost done!" I cried. "And even if it wasn't, why do you care? Apparently you don't care about how I feel about anything, you just want me to get top marks to get into the Ministry! But what if I don't want to go to the Ministry, Dad? What if I don't want to?"

"You do want to, and you will!" Dad screamed.

"No, I don't!" I cried. "I want to be an Auror! And I'm going to be one, just like the rest of my friends, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! You can't change my dreams, Dad!"

And you can't change me!

"YES I CAN! I CAN CONTROL YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE MY SON! I'M SUPPOSED TO GUIDE YOU!"

"Guide me, not control me!" I sobbed. "I'm old enough to take care of myself, Dad!"

"FINE!" Dad roared. "You think you're old enough, you've got another thing coming! Get out of my house! I never want to see you again!"

"But I'm your son!" I cried.

"I HAVE NO SON!!!" Dad bellowed.

"FINE! I'LL GO! JUST DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU FIND OUT I'M AN AUROR!" My eyes filled with tears as I ran up the stairs. My own father had just disowned me because Peter had needed help with his Transfiguration homework.

I threw my trunk with all my belongings in it in front of my Shrink-Ray and shrunk it to the size of a Knut. I tossed it into my pocket. I grabbed my broomstick and flew out my window. I never saw that house again for a very, very long time.

Cuz we lost it all.

Nothing lasts forever,

I'm sorry I can't be

Perfect.

The next morning I sat in the Leaky Cauldron, staring at my feet. I had never been there alone before. I felt... alone. I guessed that was how one usually felt when his father disowned him. Tom looked at him strangely.

"You expectin' company, Sirius?"

I smiled weakly. "No, Tom. Just - thinking."

"Anything to drink while you's at it?"

"No thanks," I said feebly. "I'll probably be going soon anyway."

"All right then..." said Tom suspiciously, turning to a few witches who had just entered the bar.

I sighed. It's over, I told myself. He doesn't want you. You can't turn back. But where am I supposed to go?

Now it's just too late,

And we can't go back I'm

Sorry I can't be

Perfect.

Suddenly I heard a familiar voice. "Sirius?"

I looked up. Remus. Great. Just great.

"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, sitting down.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I always come here Sunday mornings," Remus shrugged. "If you don't remember, I do live down the street from here, Padfoot. You, however, live on the other side of the country. What's up?"

"I really don't want to talk about it," I mumbled.

I try not to think

About the pain I feel inside.

"That bad, huh?"

Oh, why do you have to be so smart, Moony? I thought. "Yea. Yea, it is."

"Oh." We sat in silence. I reached into my pocket. I felt something in it. I pulled it out.

It was a picture. A picture of me, holding up my Hogwarts letter. The person I had once called Father stood beaming at me. Oh, why did he have to do this to me? I let a single tear fall onto the photo before jamming it into my pocket again.

Did you know you used to be

My hero?

"All right, Padfoot, what's up?" Remus asked. "You never cry."

I clammed up. "I - I - I'm fine," I said.

Remus rolled his eyes. "No, you're not. If you want me to get Lily in here..."

"NO!" I screamed. The whole bar looked at me. I gave them the award-winning Black grin. "Sorry," I said. They shrugged and looked away.

"Then tell me what's bothering you before I do," Remus said.

"It's - it's - my - or - oh, I don't even know what to call him anymore!" I sighed. "I guess 'Mr. Black' would be the most appropriate."

"Your dad?" Remus said, frowning slightly.

"Yes - er - no - I'm not sure," I groaned. "My former father."

"Former?" Remus asked. "Did he - die?"

I shook my head slowly. "No, he's alive and well. Unfortunately."

"Cut the small talk, Padfoot, and tell me what you're ranting on about."

"My - er - former father and I had a fight. He - kicked me out. Disowned me. Said he never wanted to see me again." I choked on the last sentence.

Remus's eyes widened. He gave my hand a tight squeeze. "Are you all right, Padfoot?" he asked quietly.

"No," I said quietly and quite honestly. "No, I'm not."

I was alone in the world. Alone. There was no one to help me. Dad would probably convince Mum against me too; you could convince Mum of anything. It seemed like years, even though it had only been a few days, since he had hugged his father.

All those days you spent with me,

Now seem so far away,

"Come on," Remus said. "Let's go to my house."

I didn't answer, but I let Remus drag me out of the Leaky Cauldron. Once we were safe inside Remus's room, I collapsed on his couch and put my face in my hands. Remus seat down next to me and let me cry on his shoulder.

I closed my eyes tight and tried to let the feeling sink in. It was horrible. It was too much to bear. He doesn't care about me anymore. He let me go. He made me go. It's over.

And it feels like you don't care

Anymore.

Remus put his hand on my shoulder. "Everything will be okay, Padfoot."

"It won't, Moony," I said quietly, wiping my eyes. "Things will never be the same."

"You're right. But that doesn't mean things can't get any better. Look at me, Padfoot. I'm a werewolf. Can you imagine how I felt, just before I went to Hogwarts? I was petrified, Padfoot. I was scared to death that someone would find out. And when you guys did, I knew things would never be the same. But they got better, see?"

I relented. "Yea. Right."

"That didn't help much, did it?"

"Nope. Not really."

Remus sighed. I spoke up again. "All I ever tried to do was make him proud, Moony. Why does this have to happen?"

And now I try hard to make it,

I just wanna make you

Proud.

"I don't know, Padfoot," Remus said, closing his eyes. Remus always closed his eyes when he was thinking. "You tried your best, Padfoot. It's not you. If he can't accept who you are, then, well, it's not your fault."

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

"But I just don't get it, Remus," I whispered. "Why?"

"Sirius, maybe he just couldn't take it any more. You two fought an awful lot. If he can't take it - there's nothing you could have done, Padfoot."

Can't stand another fight.

"I just can't help feeling like I did something wrong," I said.

"You didn't," Remus said reassuringly.

"Don't even try to tell me everything's going to be fine again," I said, looking at my knees, "because it's not."

And nothing's all right!

New setting: July 1996. The Ministry has cleared Sirius. He is an Auror. He hasn't seen his dad in twenty years. He is now on his old front porch, still wondering why he was going to try to talk to his dad again.

I stood on the porch, staring at the door. It's been twenty years, I thought. He hasn't even tried to contact me. I wonder if he's still mad. No, nix that. He's still mad. Why am I doing this again?

I knocked on the door softly. I heard feet shuffling. "Who is it?" came an old, but still familiar, voice.

"Sirius," I said quietly.

"I told you," said the voice gruffly, "to get lost twenty years ago. And I meant it. Bye."

"Dad, please... just let me talk to you this once, and I'll never come near this house again."

The door opened. I saw my father for the first time in twenty years. His hair was white, and he had a big bald spot on his head. His skin was sagging. I smiled weakly. "Make it quick, then," he grumbled. I walked into the house.

My father guided me into the living room. As if I needed guiding. I remembered every turn. I even saw the dent in the wall where James had thrown Remus's crystal wall so many years before. I smiled.

"Well then," my father said, sitting down on the couch, "what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Dad..." I started. I paused and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about what happened twenty years ago."

"I doubt that," my father said gruffly. "I keep up with the news. I have half a mind to hand you over to the Ministry right now but frankly, I'm just too tired."

"If you really kept up with the news," I said, "you'd know I was cleared last week."

Father raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Congratulations. Is that it?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," I said.

Father grumbled something. "No, you're not."

"I am."

Father didn't say anything. "I'm an Auror now, you know," I said quietly.

"Whoop-dee-doo," Father said in mock cheerfulness. "Jump for joy."

"You just don't care, do you?" I said, hurt.

"Care about what? You? Nope. You're not my son, remember? You're just a lousy, f***ing piece of trash, you lying son of a b****. I don't see why you came. Nothing's changed."

"I've changed," I said.

"No, you haven't. You're still a weakling. You can't find what little strength you do have, figuring you have any at all, that is. You can leave now."

"Fine," I said. "If you ever want to talk to me - which I'm sure you won't - considering you haven't wanted to talk to me for twenty years - "

Cuz we lost it all.

Nothing lasts forever,

I'm sorry I can't be

Perfect.

Now it's just too late,

And we can't go back I'm

Sorry I can't be

Perfect...

" - I'll be at 162266 Birmingham Drive, Remus's house. Not that you care, of course," I grumbled, "but at least I give people second chances. Even when they don't deserve them." I Disapparated.

A week later, I sat on Remus's couch with Harry next to me. Harry was going to stay with Remus and I until I got my own house, as the final adoption papers would be in the next day. I smiled at him.

"Well," I said. "You finally got away from the Dursleys."

"Yea." Harry smiled widely. "Thanks."

"It's what should have happened a long time ago," I said. "You'll be my - my son." I choked on those words.

"You're the best, Sirius," Harry said. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Remus called. I heard him open the door and gasp. "He-hello Mr. Black," I heard him say softly. "Do you want to talk to Sirius?"

"Yes, please," I heard my father say. "Thank you, Remus." The footsteps came into the room Harry and I were sitting in. Remus and my father stepped in. Harry looked at me strangely. I bit my lip to keep from screaming at the old man.

"Hello Father," I said. Harry's eyes widened as his eyes shifted from me to Father.

"I'm sorry," said the old man, bowing his head slightly. Remus cleared his throat.

"Harry, don't you think we'd better go polish your broom?"

"Wha - OH! Right, yea, we have to do it before it gets all - moldy and gross," Harry said lamely. I gave him a small grin. Thanks, I mouthed at Remus so that only he could see. Remus winked at me.

"Harry's grown into quite a young man," Father said quietly.

My eyes narrowed. "No thanks to you."

"I am sorry," Father said softly. This was too much for me. I was seeing red. I stood up in fury.

"Sorry? Sorry? How can you think that I would accept your apology? You hate me! YOU DISOWNED ME, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I'M NOT YOUR SON!" I screamed.

Nothing's gonna change the

Things that you said!

Father looked up. "I didn't mean it."

"WELL, IT SURE DIDN'T LOOK THAT WAY TO ME!" I screamed.

"I really didn't!"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID TOO, BUT DID YOU BELIEVE ME? NO!!! Nothing's going to change it! It's too late for sorry! The least you could have done was help someone! Harry, James's son, he was STUCK with that heap of Dursley crap for TEN YEARS! Remus, my best friend, almost bloody STARVED TO DEATH for twelve years! Did you do anything to help either of them? NO!" Tears came into my eyes. "And I, YOUR BIOLOGICAL SON, was in Azkaban wrongly for TWELVE YEARS! YOU KNOW I'D NEVER GIVE LILY AND JAMES A PAPERCUT!"

And nothing's gonna make this

Right again!

"I had no idea..."

"WELL, YOU COULD'VE FOUND OUT!" I screamed. "Remus almost DIED because you didn't have the guts to help him, or anyone for that matter! You said Remus was your favorite of us, but you almost let him DIE! YOU THINK HE CAN GET A GOOD JOB?" I choked on these words. Remus hadn't gone into details on what he had done while he was in Azkaban, but even from a short description I was horrified. He hadn't been able to get a job until Dumbledore offered him one. I hadn't wanted to hear any more.

"Please, Sirius, don't turn on me," Father begged. "I - I've gone bankrupt. They are selling the house tomorrow. Please."

Please don't turn your back,

I bit my lip. "No," I hissed. "I am not your son. Your son would be a little goody-two shoe, Minister of Magic. I'm not. I'm a Marauder. I'm an Auror. I am not your son."

"Please... for the house..."

"That house holds nothing but horrible memories," I said, turning away. "Let it burn."

"Please..."

"NO!" I screamed. "I can't believe I'm telling you this! You should know everything there is to know about betrayal! I know you do! I've changed!"

I can't believe it's all just a

Talk to you,

"For your mother?" Father asked quietly. I paused.

"She's dead," I said quietly. "You killed her. You let her die."

"I saved myself, Sirius. You-Know-Who attacked, and I ran. Your mother - couldn't make it."

"But you left her," I hissed, turning on him. "I don't know how you can live with yourself."

"You don't understand..."

"I don't understand?" I screamed. "It's you who doesn't understand! You don't understand anything! You don't understand love, compassion, betrayal, or even me! You can't get me to come crawling back to you! I'm a man! Just GO!"

But you don't understand!

Father looked at me angrily. "You haven't changed," he said furiously. "You're still a blundering, uncaring fool."

"Get OUT!" I screamed. Father sneered at me and Disapparated.

I collapsed onto the couch and put my face in my hands. The door opened slightly. "Padfoot?" Remus asked tentatively.

I didn't answer. Remus opened the door the rest of the way. Harry was behind him.

"Why, Moony?" I said quietly. "Why?"

Remus sat down next to me and squeezed my hand. "I don't know Padfoot."

I felt Harry's eyes on me. I turned away. I was supposed to set a good example for Harry. "Sirius?" he said quietly. "Are - are you all right?"

I took a deep breath. "Yea," I said quietly. "I'm okay, Harry."

"Who - who was that?"

"My dad," I said. Why? Why? It shouldn't have to be this way, I thought.

Cuz we lost it all,

Nothing lasts forever,

Harry didn't say anything. Remus squeezed my hand tighter. "Moony," I said sarcastically, "If you're trying to cut off the circulation in my hand, you're doing a good job."

Remus rolled his eyes, but said, "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yes, Moony, I'm all right."

"Yea... I figured you would say that. You don't have to act all grown up, you know, Padfoot."

"Why thank you for that lesson, Professor Moony," I said.

"Why you're welcome, Padfoot," Remus said, his voice thick with sarcasm.

"You two," Harry announced, "abuse sarcasm."

"Thank you, Professor Pronglet," Remus and I said together.

"Pronglet?" Harry asked. "Pronglet?"

"Well," Remus said, "it's better than Moony, isn't it?"

Harry sighed. "It's better than Har-har too."

"Har-har?" Remus and I said together. I chuckled.

"Cho seems to think it's cute," Harry mumbled. "I don't."

"All righty then..." I said suspiciously, shoving my hands in my pockets. I felt something in my pocket. I pulled it out. It was a scrap of parchment.

Sirius-

You'll never change. You're a careless prat. Don't think I won't forget this. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way.

-Father

I clenched my teeth and tore the parchment in two. "Well, Dad, I'm sorry too," I hissed. "Sorry that you turned into such a fraud."

I'm sorry I can't be

Perfect.

"Padfoot, don't start... last time you got heated up at your dad you blew up my crystal ball," Remus said quietly.

"Divination stinks," Harry and I said together. I smiled at Harry.

"Like father like son," I said. "In some cases, anyway. It's too late for me."

Now it's just too late,

And we can't go back,

Harry's face was expressionless. I gave him a small grin. "Really, I'm okay," I said.

"I, of all people in the world, can tell when someone is just saying they're fine," Harry said solemnly.

"Yes, because you do it all the time," Remus said. "It gets bloody annoying too."

"Okay then," I said, giving Harry a stern look, "I'm not fine, but I will be. Is that better?"

"A little," Harry shrugged.

I smiled at him. Dad, if you could see me now, I thought.

I'm sorry I can't be

"So," Remus said, leaning back on the couch, "what do you guys want for dinner tonight?"

"Food," I said automatically, grinning widely.

"Oh shut up, Padfoot," Remus said. "It's getting old."

"Jokes like that never get old, Moony, my friend," I said.

"Let's order pizza!" Harry said sarcastically.

"What's pizza?" I asked. Remus and Harry stared at me in shock. "What?"

"You've never had pizza?" Remus asked. "Yes, I know its more American than British but... honestly! Harry, bring me the phone. Sirius doesn't know what he's missing."

"What's a phone?" I asked. Remus hit his forehead.

"Really, do you try to be so ignorant?"

"No," I said. "No, it just comes naturally."

Perfect.