Last Words, Last Breaths

I'm here to teach you a very important lesson. I had to learn it the hard way. I'm here to make sure you don't.

Maybe I ought to start from the beginning. My name is Remus Lupin, and I am a werewolf. I guess that's how it all started. Or maybe it started on that fateful day two weeks ago. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I guess this is about my best friend, a man named Sirius Black. Maybe you've heard of him. Big bloke, always getting into trouble, annoying as heck. But I loved him to death. And that's how it all had to end.

Exactly two weeks ago, we got into a fight, the first (and last) fight of our twenty-five year friendship. I can barely remember what it was about. Something about me not trusting him. That's a laugh. I wound - no, I did trust him with my life. And sometimes it came to that. I got really mad and stormed out of the house saying, and I quote, "I hate you, Sirius Black, and I hope you die!" End quote. And I didn't mean it. I really didn't. Far from it. But I said it anyway.

I went to Three Broomsticks and bought enough butterbeer to let Madame Rosmerta retire in Hawaii. I pondered the words I had said for hours. Ten short words that made me feel like I was going to be sick. I decided to go apologize. I wanted to tell him I hadn't been thinking. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to tell him everything that had ever gone unsaid. I wanted to tell him I loved him. But I never got the chance.

I walked back to the house we shared with my head bowed and my hands in my pockets. Sirius was all I had left. The only person I could trust. The only person who would stay with me on those horrible nights and make sure I wouldn't hurt myself. The only person who actually cared. I went up to our door and knocked on it. "Padfoot?" I called. "It's me, Moony. Can I come in?"

No answer. I knocked louder and tried again. "Padfoot! I'm sorry!" I cried. There was still no answer. I was getting a little worried. I unlocked the door with my wand and entered. "Padfoot! Sirius! Where are you?" Still no answer. My heart sunk. Where could he be?

I came to his room on the landing. I hesitated, but opened it. And I saw him.

From the moment I touched his hand I knew he was dead. His unblinking eyes bored holes into the ceiling. His mouth was open and he lay on the floor, wand in hand. He had died fighting something. It took a moment for the thought to sink in.

Sirius was dead. Dead. I would never talk to him again. His nagging voice would never wake me up again. No more of his inedible cooking. No more full moon outings. No more double assignments for Dumbledore. No more laughing just at the irony of it all. But worst of all, no more Sirius. And I had wished it upon him

Dreading what I was going to see, I looked out of the window, my hands trembling. And I saw it. It smiled evilly at him as it twinkled in the sky.

The Dark Mark.

"No," I whispered. "No. He can't be dead. He can't be." But he was.

The next week passed by in a blur. Exactly a week after the incident and exactly a week before today, there was the funeral. I gripped Harry's hand tightly through the whole service and he gripped mind. I barely heard anything that was said. But after it was over and everyone had gone, I stood in front of Sirius's grave and ran my fingers over the inscription:

Sirius "Padfoot" Black

1960 - 1995

Beloved Godfather, Marauder, and Friend

When I was born, I was the one who was crying.

Now it's your turn.

I took a deep breath. It was time. "Padfoot, I'm sorry," I whispered. "I failed you. I didn't want you to die. It's my fault. I should have stayed with you. Then you'd be alive. Or at least I'd be dead with you, like I deserve.

"A lot of people would think it a blessing, the long life I have. But it's part of my curse. Part of what I am. Part of what I will always be. It's the worst thing I can think of. To be alive to watch everyone who ever meant something to me die. Mum. Dad. Lily. James. You." I choked. "I'm the only one left, and I'm only thirty-five.

"There's never going to be another Padfoot. There's never going to be another person who will stay by my side when I transform and not run away. There's never going to be another person who will talk with me like I used to talk with you. There's never going to be another person who will be my friend even though I'm a werewolf. There's never going to be another person who laughed just for the sake of laughing, or talked just so that he could hear his own voice. No one can replace you. Wherever you've gone, you've taken a big chunk of my heart along with you.

"Forgive me, Padfoot. For everything. For thinking you were the spy. For wishing this on you. For leaving you when you needed me the most. For saying things I really didn't mean. For failing you. For killing you. For killing Lily. For killing James." I was silent for a moment before continuing.

"And I guess it's time for me to say good-bye. But I really don't want to. I wish I could see you just one last time. I wish I could make it up to you. I wish I could kill that bastard Wormtail for you. I wish you weren't dead.

"I feel like I'm fifteen again. You're probably looking down on me right now and trying to tell me that everything's all right. Don't. Because it would be a lie." I ran my hand over the top of the headstone. "Goodbye, Padfoot." And I turned and walked away.

So now you've heard the story, but you've yet to hear the moral. Never wish for anything that you don't want. Never say goodbye if you still want to try. Never walk away in anger, because you might not get the chance to come back.