Always Carry Earmuffs

Always Carry Earmuffs

"I'm bored."

There was a long, stunned silence. Everyone looked at Professor McGonagall.

"You're... bored?" James said, twitching.

"You are... BORED?" Lily gulped.

"YOU'RE BORED? YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN HERE FIVE MINUTES! WE'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR FIVE HOURS. TOUGHEN UP, PROFESSOR," Remus shouted.

After this outburst of rage, Remus huffed and went off to sit in the corner, muttering things like "boredom" and "squirrels" in a savage tone.

The professor was in shock. "Well, I was just saying..."

"I'm bored, too," Sirius said, stroking McGonagall's arm affectionately. "Whaddya say once we got out of here--"

"This is intolerable," Snape said, crossing his arms. "As well as disgusting. Professor, you shouldn't encourage such childish behavior.

"Loosen up, git," James said, pushing his glasses up his nose. "You don't have to live with him."

"Perhaps the only thing that causes me to feel pity for you and your team of lousy, no-good... Gryffindors."

"Not nice," Peter said, shaking a finger at Snape.

"Now, are you sure you've tried everything to get out of here?"

"Yes," the whole room groaned.

"Sirius's eyebrows should be proof enough."

"Hey, I think they're growing back," Sirius said cheerfully, feeling the blackened skin over his eyes.

There was another long silence.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Sirius said suddenly.

"No." Snape shook his head.

"You haven't heard it yet!"

"If it has anything to do with squirrels of any kind, no."

"...fine. Who needs you, anyway?" Sirius looked around the room. "Come on. Who's ready for a rousing round of the Rabid Squirrel Game?"

This was too much for Remus, who stood up. "I vote nay."

"But it'll be fun!"

"Does it involve imitating a squirrel?" Snape said distastefully.

"No!" Sirius paused. "Well, yes, but--"

"NO!" Lily shouted. "Sirius, the rabid squirrels are dead. They all died because Snape's hair killed them. So why don't you go irritate him and let the rest of us die in peace?"

"You speak as if you don't like me," Sirius said, his mouth quivering. "Don't--don't you like me, Lily?"

"No. No, I don't."

Sirius continued to quiver. "I--I--" He let out a long, high-pitched sob before bursting into hysterics.

"Merlin, no..." Snape rocked back and forth in the fetal position. "NO! NO! NO!" Sirius continued to wail. "FOR GOD'S SAKE, EVANS, MAKE HIM STOP!"

Lily grinned and took out a pair of earmuffs. "Always carry earmuffs, that's what I always say. If you lot had LISTENED TO ME, you wouldn't be in pain right now." She plopped the earmuffs over her ears, leaned back against the wall, and sighed happily as Sirius redefined the word "wail".

"PLEASE, LILY." Remus crawled up to her on his hands and knees. "OH, LORD, PLEASE."

"DEAREST DARLINGEST GIRLFRIEND, I WILL BUY YOU FLOWERS. AND CHOCOLATE. LOTS OF CHOCOLATE." James was desperate. "JUST MAKE HIM STOP."

Lily took the earmuffs off for a moment. "How much chocolate?"

"A lot," James said quickly. "So much chocolate. Chocolate chocolate chocolate. I will buy out Honeydukes and all other stores that sell chocolate EVERYWHERE if you will just SHUT HIS BLOODY TRAP."

"We will help," Peter added. "We will buy you chocolate, too. LOTS OF CHOCOLATE."

"We will build you a house of chocolate," Remus said, "with chocolate floors and chocolate chairs and a chocolate refrigerator, which we will fill with CHOCOLATE."

"Say chocolate windows and you've got a deal."

"CHOCOLATE WINDOWS!" everyone shouted.

"All right," Lily said cheerfully. "Sirius, I still love you. Always did. Even that time when you broke my broomstick. And when you cursed my hair blue. And... when you... you... YOU ATE MY CHOCOLATE!" Lily shouted accusing. "YOU BASTARD! YOU ATE MY CHOCOLATE!" Sirius looked woeful.

"But--I said sorry!"

"BUT YOU ATE IT! MY CHOCOALTE!" She looked around the room. "You're on your own, scumbags." Lily plopped her earmuffs on again and sat herself down in the corner.

Sirius stared at her and let out a little sob before turning on the tears again.

"NO!" Snape said, standing up. "No, no, NO. I refuse to put up with this blather. Whatever degradation he wants, whatever silly thing he wants us to do, whatever makes him happy, for the love of my own ears, DO IT. I offer my dignity in recompense."

Everyone stood in awe for a moment. Even Sirius stopped his tears to smile wickedly.

"These are the moments one must savor," Remus said slowly, "so you can relive them over and over again."

"I must say I agree," McGonagall said, speaking at last. "I say we give him whatever he wants."

They all nodded. Lily had her eyes closed, oblivious to the whole event, whistling a jaunty tune while bobbing her head up and down a little.

"What do you want, Sirius?" Peter asked.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Can we kill Snape?"

"No," McGonagall answered quickly.

"Oh. Well." Sirius's face brightened up considerably. "We could play the Rabid Squirrel Game!"

There was a moment of silence. Most people were probably thinking about poking their eyes out with a pointy stick. Then again, Sirius's wailing may very well kill them, anyway...

"All right, Sirius," Remus said, with a face that would have given the impression that he was marching to his death. "How do you play the Rabid Squirrel Game?"

"I'M GLAD YOU ASK, MOONY, OLD CHUM!" All thoughts of tears were forgotten as Sirius leaped up. "Well, what you do first--"

Suddenly the door opened, and who was there but...

"HUFFLEPUFFS! Oh, sweet Hufflepuff Quidditch team!" McGonagall screamed. "FIFTY POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF! See you later, suckers!" And she ran for the exit.

"Nice to see you too, Professor," said the Captain, quirking an eyebrow. "Er, what the hell are you all-?"

McGonagall was three millimeters from the door when it shut without warning, getting the hem of her cape stuck.

"No," she whispered, crestfallen.

"No..." Lily said, taking off her earmuffs and staring at the door in shock.

"NO, NO, NO!" Snape screamed, falling to his knees.

"NOOOOOOO!" everone else chorused. The Hufflepuffs looked rather confused.

"Nice to see you lot, too?"