Rating:
PG
House:
Riddikulus
Genres:
Humor General
Era:
Multiple Eras
Stats:
Published: 03/26/2003
Updated: 03/26/2003
Words: 972
Chapters: 1
Hits: 2,182

How to Become a Successful Dark Wizard in 10 Exceedingly Difficult Steps

Lily Evans

Story Summary:
Our favorite Dark Wizard (besides Voldie, of course!) has written a "How-to" book. Lots of demons, sacrificing, Exceedingly Difficult things, evil magical creatures, and most importantly, dark magic!
Chapter Summary:
Our favorite Dark Wizard (besides Voldie, of course!) has written a "How-to" book. Lots of demons, sacrificing, Exceedingly Difficult things, evil magical creatures, and most importantly, dark magic!
Posted:
03/26/2003
Hits:
2,182
Author's Note:
Totally inspired by Draco Sinister by Cassandra Claire. Props to her on giving me the inspiration to write such a.. fascinating little ficlet, and do note that some of the plot lines belong to her, as stated in the disclaimer. This was great fun to write. :D!!

How to Become A Successful Dark Wizard in 10 Exceedingly Difficult Steps, by Salazar Slytherin

*-*-*-*-*-*

Prologue

So you want to be a Dark Wizard, hmm? After much pondering on whether I should write this book or not - giving away all my secrets! -- I relented, and now you, prospect, are reading this fine text. However, I must warn you: if you are squeamish, fearful, dreadfully ugly, cowardly, or Wizard Council-fearing, I suggest you put this book down. What this tome contains can kill you, get you imprisoned in Azkaban for the rest of your days.. Whatever; it will destroy you. Then my purpose will not be fulfilled! Do not let this book fall into the wrong hands. I have placed a number of Exceedingly Difficult charms on this book; if you try to destroy it, it would first give you a sound beating across the head, then explode, wiping out everything in a 10-kilometre radius. Therefore, I urge you to be sincere in your wanting to be a Dark Wizard. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to meeting you in Hell, if you die on your journey to become a Dark Wizard/are valiantly killed by Council members but are honoured by all other Dark Wizards.

Cordially,

Salazar Slytherin

*-*-*-*-*-*

  1. You must destroy all ties you have with the Forces of Good and devote yourself to the Dark Forces. While this sounds like an easy process, it is not, I assure you. There was a nasty situation with.. er, nevermind that. Do all you must to separate yourself from anyone not Dark/planning to be Dark, even if it means faking your own death/killing any.. er, loved ones.

  1. Once you have finished the first step, you move onto the second step, of course. This step requires you to sacrifice a baby rabbit, while remaining effortlessly sexy. While this may make any girls/men want to shrink away from you in disgust, it succeeds in giving you an Aura of Pure Evil, which is a must-have.

  1. Alas, one of the easiest steps, yet Exceedingly Difficult in its essence. You must take the sword that I once carried, from my Heir, and slice your wand arm open from wrist to elbow. Then, you must drain a cup of your blood and drink it, afterwards cleansing the wound with Veritaserum and Will-Strengthening Potion. After letting it burn for five minutes, cleanse it with water and have the nearest mediwizard heal it. The Veritaserum will ensure that you are always brutally honest, and the Will-Strengthening Potion will help you on your way to becoming immortal.

  1. Make alliances with all the Dark Creatures you can find. While they will come to you in the end, as it is their duty, and if you survive these Exceedingly Difficult steps, it is always best to have allies within your forces, and not just followers.

  1. You must, if you are any credit to me, always use my symbol, the Dark Mark. It can be burned into the flesh of your followers with a slight modification of the "Mordsmordre" Curse that is used to propel the symbol into the sky. If this is not used, your defeat will most likely come quickly. While I can help you with your descent into the Dark Arts, I cannot promise that you will conquer the world.

  1. The most rudimentary skills a Dark Wizard must have are the skills to kill, to induce pain, and to have complete and utter control of a person. This is why your favorite curses should be the Killing Curse, the Cruciatus Curse, and the Imperius Curse. When spoken, the words for these curses are "Avada Kedavra", for the Killing Curse; "Crucio", for the Cruciatus Curse; and "Imperio", for the Imperius Curse. Other nice curses could be the Veritas spell and the Stunning Hex, which are very useful in their own ways. While not illegal, they could very much be in league with the Unforgivable Curses.

  1. Recall the sacrificing of the baby rabbit and how not easy it was. Now, you must kill the one person you love the most. While this was stated in Step number One, I seriously doubt that many of you did this, for I myself could not give up my love. It is the most excruciating thing ever. But do not give up here! Great things await you.

  1. Find a manticore. Kill it, then drench yourself in its blood. Then, take your dagger and stab yourself in the heart. This will test if you are worthy enough for the Dark Arts, and if you live, well done, good mate. Then, you must procreate with a veela, promising a devastatingly handsome/beautiful Heir to follow you in your footsteps of being a Dark witch/wizard.

  1. Draw an upside down star on the floor/ground with a circle around it, then invoke the demons of Hell and ask them for power beyond your wildest imagination*. If they prove faithful, they will give you this power; however, they will ask for something in return, something of yours. Cut off one of your fingers and give it to them - this will satisfy them. (* For instruction on invoking a demon, much less the Demons of Hell, see the book Demon-Invoking for Thick-Headed Gits.)

  1. Finally, gather your enemy into your house/lair. Take a bit of his blood, forcefully; a bit of your father/grandfather's bone from their grave; and the flesh of a servant, willingly given. Make a Potion to Retain Life in a cauldron big enough to bathe in with these three things, and some rosemary, aconite, crushed scarab beetles, shredded boomslang skin, and unicorn blood. Drink a bit, then bask in the warm liquid of the potion. Then kill your enemy. Congratulations, you are now a Dark Wizard. When you are Vanquished, I will see you in Hell. Cheers!