Forsaken

Forsaken

What is this light that hurts my eyes? Is it the end, finally? No, obviously, no. It's the day, the sun is risen, and another agony begins. Wake up, my sinner, wake up and smile.

Hide your suffering behind a mask of indifference. The pain must not show through your eyes; the blade in your soul, that makes you flinch at every breath, at every step, no one should see it. No one.

So I get up, and barefooted walk to the kitchen. I'm not hungry, I'm never hungry since she died, but my body does these gestures unthinkingly, and doing them allows me to consume some time, and so I'll wait less.

I wait till the coming out of the oh, so welcomed, darkness, when this mask will slide along my face, crushing on the ground, just as my soul crashed at her sight in that winter morning, her body... her body on the snow, that immaculate snow that made even harder to recognise her death. A puddle of blood would have been easier to face. I'm used to blood anyways.

But her sight on the snow made her look like the angel that she perhaps was not.

I'm waiting for the darkness to come, when the shadows get longer and the night allows my mask to fall. And then I'll cry.

I should have learnt anyways. I should have learnt to take away all that might remind me of her. But it is not that easy, my struggles aren't enough, everything reminds me of her. Everything. It's a persecution.

It's my entire fault.

Only my fault.

My misdeed.

If it weren't me, she would still be here. Away from me, but alive.

Alive.

And now there this idea, that seeps through my mind. Hermione... damnit, even her name hurts... she could never come back to me. Never.

Thus, I'll go to her.

Going to Hermione... these words seem so beautiful.

There's no heaven for me. I sinned too many times, but I don't regret it. How could I if the only thing I regret every day, is the only good action I did? All my sins were in her function. But I'm not sure this is love, maybe it's only selfishness.

Going to Hermione... these words sound so sweet...

Everything around me becomes vague and blurry, while my thoughts are centred in her, and her only. Running my mental gaze (mental in both senses, I really think I'm going insane, if I'm not already) on her again and again, not only her body, but my every memory, the single luminosity of her smile, and all those things insignificant in their littleness but so amazing in her person...

Oh, how I sinned, sinned, sinned, I sinned too many times, my soul is heavy. But I can't regret them. Because I don't want to.

Hell? Will I go to hell? I don't care. Hell, heaven, limbo... wherever I'll end up, the essential is be with Hermione.

God, I know, you have forsaken me.

God, you've forsaken me, you have left me alone.

You have left me alone to face my fate when you knew they were mistaken, that they should not have taken her.

Or it was you? You? Yours is the fault? Did you decide it? That innocent angel deserved to die? No, she didn't deserve it. Hermione didn't deserve to die. No. No!

Or yes? Yes? Was her...?

I don't know. I don't know anything. I can't recognise truth form illusions, the first hurts in its cruelty, the second hides its borders and I cannot understand what I believe in.

I cannot understand anything.

I don't know if the deserved to die. But don't worry, I'll ask it to her soon.

Hermione.