Salvation in a Kiss

Salvation. That was what he needed now. No more pained looks. No more apologetic smiles. No more words of sympathy. No one understood that those simple signs of affection meant abosolutely nothing to him.

What he needed was Sirius back.

Everything he had ever wanted was there in Sirius's smile. His life blood, everything that was worth living for was there in his eyes. How the lines near his eyes would crinkle, his pale blue eyes alight with mischief or lust. Either word was appropriate for one always led into the other.

Until the veil separated them forever.

Then, Remus had seen something else in his eyes. Fear. Sorrow. Panic. In such a short moment, so many emotions could be seen in the pale eyes of his lover. But the last one was the look that haunted Remus's dreams.

A look of unconditional love.

He hadn't comforted Harry after he had seen his Godfather fall backwards through the veil to be separated forever. Remus didn't have the words to speak. No one really knew of his relationship with Sirius, save for themselves. It wouldn't be hard to have guessed it of course. Remus was the only permanent resident of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Harry should have guessed it after they gave him a Christmas present together.

Remus had been too caught up in his own grief to comfort Harry. A faux pax on his part, but one that couldn't be helped.

There was that vain hope that if he didn't say those two little words, that Sirius wouldn't be gone forever. That he would reappear, that grin on his face. They would all have a laugh together, and then Remus would be with him later.

To show Sirius how much that brief separation scared him. Slow loving in their bed to heal the temporary wound.

But no face had appeared.

No lopsided grin.

No pale eyes.

No Sirius.

Remus laid back on what used to be their bed. He had come so close to moving out of Grimmauld Place. There were too many memories buried deep within the house.

And it was worse seeing Sirius's face around ever turn. What Remus needed, was his salvation. Closing his eyes, he sighed again. There were only two options that would give him the salvation he so desired : either death or Sirius.

Sadly, neither was an option.

He couldn't find his salvation in death. He had to stay here... for the good of the Order and for Harry's sake. He had already lost his parents and the closest thing he would ever have to a father. Now, Remus would silently fill that role. So, death was out.

And, it was because of death that he would never have his Sirius back.

Remus pulled his arms tightly around himself. Closing his eyes, he could almost feel Sirius's arms encircle him. All that was missing was his spicy scent that was so uniquely Sirius.

His eyes closed, Remus could reflect back over their relationship. Their first kiss, which amusingly, came from a bet. His girlfriend at the time (oye, was this ever a shock for her) had jokingly asked the two best friends to kiss.

To Remus J. Lupin at the time, that had seemed like an abomination. Men didn't kiss. Yet, it was impossible to resist that lopsided grin of Sirius's. It was impossible to resist the fifteen year old boy anything.

Besides, his girlfriend had said, it's only for ten seconds.

And so they kissed.

Something in that moment had sparked inside him. It didn't matter that he was kissing another boy. That didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was kissing Sirius.

Instincts began to take over in that moment. He took control of what he originally wanted no part of. With a sigh, he had parted his lips, coaxing Sirius's tongue to him. His long fingers, fisted in Sirius's long black tresses, they stood there, lost to everyone but themselves.

Ten seconds came and went.

It would be another thirty seconds before Alyse would break them apart. She laughed about it, saying they had put on a good show. Sirius joined in with the laughter. But Remus's mind was reeling. He had kissed his best friend.

He was straight, right?

Remus had retreated to his bed soon after. He couldn't face either of them in that moment. He needed to be by himself. To think things through. To understand what had happened.

As he laid on his dormitory bed, much like he was now, things had become clear to the fair-haired boy.

Remus and the wolf had found their mate in Sirius Black.

Sirius Black, who had become an animagus for him. To ease the transformations.

Sirius Black, who was the first person outside of his parents to accept who he was.

Sirius Black, who was, and would always be, his salvation.