If Only I Were You

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be different?

I did. I did when my sister, eleven at the time while I was fourteen, got an envelope that would forever change our lives.

"What's that, Lils?" I asked her innocently.

"I don't know," she said quite uncertainly.

Me, being the nosy person that I am, smiled mischievously and said, "Oh, dearest sister, do you have a beau and I don't know who it is?"

She looked at me with her bright green eyes; they looked very glassy and very scared.

"Petty, it has m-my name on it, and where I sleep, and...and...it has this weird thing on the back!"

"Where you sleep?" I asked Lily incredulously.

She held the envelope up for me to see, and exactly as she said, the address stated:

Lilian Evans

Bedroom at the End of the Hall

3 Longmont's Lane

Felis Leo

Bath

"Bedroom at the end of the hall," I breathed. Surely no one would be stupid enough to stalk the Chief of Police's house! There was no return address, and it was written ominously in sparkling emerald ink. It was the same colour as Lily's eyes. Her eyes.

"Petty, does this mean someone is watching me?"

I was getting worried and scared; when I get either of those things I get very unpleasant.

"Just open the blasted letter and see what the fool has got to say!" I yelled at her.

Watching the tears spring to life in Lily's eyes brought such shame to me; I had to quickly apologize.

"Oh, Lils, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, I didn't mean it!"

Lily nodded absently, not convinced I meant it. She shakily opened the letter, and my father walked further into the hall and almost in the parlour, putting on his tie.

"What is that, Lily?" he asked with mild interest, but Lily didn't answer.

Her eyes were scanning the contents of the letter; her eyes getting wider with each sentence. Lily's eyes contained excitement that I wish I could have been blessed with having. Her eyes reached the end of the page, and she turned it over, not noticing any writing, she looked at the next page. She stared up at me first, and her face broke out into the most beautiful smile I could've ever imagined; therefore, I couldn't help but smile also.

"Petty! Petty! Read this!" said Lily with barely contained excitement.

I was happy for her, whatever it was, and quickly read over the contents that spilled forth through this letter. My damnation.

I thought this was some kind of joke played by one of her friends, of course. I laughed, and handed it back to Lily.

"Lils, there is no possible way. Your friends must have done something with the post, and had sent this letter to you."

That was the first of the unraveling of our friendship. The hurt in her eyes I can't describe!

"I thought you'd be happy for me, Petty," Lily told me quietly, her eyes downcast.

My father, noticing the exchange, asked Lily if he could read the letter. He scanned over the contents, and called Mum to the parlour to read it.

She must have heard the urgency in his voice, because she came into the den looking quite ruffled.

"What is it, Jonathan?" she asked of my father, exasperation in her voice.

"Read this! I don't believe that Lilian should be getting junk mail like this!"

My mother's eyes became alarmed, and she snatched the letter out of my father's hands. She broke out into a smile, and looked at Lily with a look that my mother would never give me.

That was the unraveling of our kinship. It was then I doubted everything that happened between us. How stupid of me!

"Lily, you have been accepted! Oh how wonderful! Jonathan, dear, she's been accepted! A close friend of mine got accepted when she was eleven as well. She told me when she had to leave, and I was more than delighted for her! Sadly, we had to go our separate ways because of that little difference. Oh, I know! I could call her, and she'll help Lily with this new information," Mum gushed to no one in particular.

She'd never be that happy for me. Never.

"Mummy, what are you talking about? I've been accepted?"

"Yes, Lily, how fantastic! You are a witch, and you've been accepted to a wizarding school!"

~*~

Mum ran to the kitchen and all that she said was, "I'm giving Martha a ring."

Martha. I've met her on several occasions. She smiled at me warmly, and then she looked at me with coldness, like she could see into the future or something.

Lily looked at me and smiled brightly.

"I'm a witch, Petty. How cool is that?"

"That's child's play, Lilian. Get over it!"

I winced at my words, and I turned around before I could see her face. I walked upstairs into my room and lied down on my bed where I cried myself to sleep. I didn't wake up until the next morning.

~*~

Lily was sitting on my bed, and she had a hurt look on her face.

"Petty, are you mad at me?" was the response I woke up to.

"No," I croaked with a morning voice.

"Good, then you can come to this Diagon Alley with me!"

"Um, Lils, what did Father say?"

"Oh, Papa said that he was delighted for me, and would look more into it later. He went to work and said not to disturb you. He said that you were... distraught," Lily told me while crinkling her nose. It was quite as if she didn't understand the word upon which she hesitated.

"Yes, Lily, I'll go with you. Let me get a shower in, and I'll meet you for breakfast. Have Mum make something for me when I'm finished," I joked with her.

"Well, why don't I just make you breakfast in bed," she teased back.

"Nah, I don't trust your cooking." I ran to the bathroom before she could retaliate.

When we were in the car, Mum was humming to herself and speaking to Lily with an excited voice. Again, it hurt.

"Lily, we are going to be able to buy you so many things! Show Martha the letter when we get there because I'm positive she'll be ready to see you. Oh and, Petunia dear, you didn't have to come if you didn't want."

"Who said I didn't want to, Mummy?" I asked with indignation.

"I asked her to come, Mummy. Is that a problem?" Lily said in my defense.

"No, no problem at all," Mum responded with cheeriness quite unlike herself.

~*~

We pulled up to this towering house not common in Britain, and a woman with dark brown hair cropped short that was resting above her chin and with bangles on her wrist, walked up the pathway to meet us. She was wrapped in a shawl, and was wearing a long skirt that reached her ankles.

"Catherine, dear, how are you?" this woman, whom I presumed was Martha, asked my mother. She looked much different than the last time I had met her.

"Oh goodness, it's been a good while hasn't it! It's been absolutely lovely being a mum and a wife. How is it for you?" Mum asked.

"Delightful! Oh, Petunia, how are you dear? You are a lovely sight. It's been a while since I've seen you, before your sister was born." She embraced me like she embraced my mother, and it startled me.

"This must be Lily. How remarkable you look, dear! She doesn't look a thing like you, Catherine, nor does she look like Jonathan," Martha commented.

"I know! It was a shock. My Petunia got both genes. She looks like her father and myself."

I beamed; at least my mummy noticed that feature about me.

"I think Lily looks like my grandmother from Ireland," Mum said, continuing her conversation with Martha.

Yes, my mother was part Irish, and I got the stark British looks from my father's side of the family. At least I got green eyes, not as bright as Lily's, but they are green none-the-less.

"Well, before we waste anymore time," Martha said, interrupting my thoughts, "Let's get going!"

We piled into her car, and as she drove, I watched my mother in the front passenger seat, and took small comfort that Lily was at my side in the back seat. She was unusually quiet, and she was staring at Martha's back.

"Don't wish death on her now," I whispered. "We need to get your supplies."

Lily giggled, and she looked at me and smiled. Giving me a quick hug, she responded, "I'm glad you're here, Petty. I'm really glad that you'll be here with me."

Those were the words that broke my heart later.

~*~

Martha--when we got to Diagon Alley--said that she wanted to go to this bank. Gringetts...Gringotts, whatever it was, she said that she wanted to go there and get some money for Lils, but we had numerous notes and pounds for Lily to use! She told us that was nonsense, and grabbed her by the hand, leaving Mum and I to follow.

That day was eventful to me. I came to realize that I both hated and loved the wizarding community. Hated it because of all the things I couldn't understand, and loved it for the exact same reason. Lily would be here, and she'd be able to tell me all about it this magical world of hers! Then again, she would be where I wanted to be, and she'd be the one living it. I'd only be able to hear it second hand. We passed a large amount of people whom were too busy to notice that we weren't magical. Lily was having the time of her life, and I was disappointed I couldn't share it with her.

When we got home Martha said she'd send Lily's owl, and send recommendations from her to the school. I had no idea what she meant by 'sending her owl', but I did vaguely remember the letter saying something about it. During our trip at that Diagon Alley, Mummy got Lily a pet; it was an owl because Martha said owls were great things to have. Lily, I think she was trying to be nice, said that she'd name the owl Petty because she hoped the owl could only be a good of a friend as I was.

That cut me to my bone marrow, that did.

Before her school term was to start, I always saw Lily was curled up by the hearth, reading some book or another or looking at all of her magical things. Father and Mummy always asked her about it, and I--being the jealous green monster that I am--pretended I had better things to do. Yet I secretly wished I was the one sitting in the chair, and Lily was envying me. Just like how it used to be.

Mummy and Daddy were so proud, and they never let a day pass without telling Lily how much they'd miss her, how much they love her, and how proud they were of her. Didn't they know I'd be going to finished school? Didn't they know that I their eldest daughter received fantastic marks in Intermediate school? I suppose it didn't matter, Lily was their favourite! I was the one left in the dark. I might have well just slept in the cupboard under the stairs.

Unfortunately that terrible day came, the day when Lily left; I missed her dreadfully. My parents and I watched as she left to leave, but before she did she gave me an extra tight squeeze, and pecked me on my cheek. She left me promises of coming to see me during the holidays, or even perhaps in the summer. She said she'd write me, and that she'd think of me always. How I wished I could've been her as she disappeared in the throngs of people leading into the train station. I believe that that was the last time I truly remember being myself and loving my sister at the same time.

~*~

Over the months I grew to hate my sister as the letters got less, and finally, I only received one once a month--by owl of course. Petty, the owl, liked me, and it gave me affectionate nips every time it delivered me a letter. I smiled at the bird absently as I wrote my very last letter to Lily.

"Lils,

Hello, dear, how are you? I just have a little something to say this letter. I understand writing them (These letters) are mostly time consuming. Don't worry about it any longer, and consider this letter to be the last for your next year at Hogwarts. Just remember me whenever you feel out of place or alone. I'll always be there for you.

Love you,

Petty."

Petty took the note, screeched as a farewell, and left. I walked downstairs and asked if I could go to a boarding school in London.

~*~

Mummy and Daddy let me go, of course, and I came home holidays and summers. Lily was growing up, and I didn't get to see her do it. She came home, gushing with all these new things, and telling Mummy and Daddy how great it was to be there. I sniffed snottily and told her about all the wonderful and normal things were at my school. I noticed that it hurt her, so I did it more just to spite her.

We grew apart then. We stopped speaking to each other regularly. I was witchy, but she was still trying to be my friend. The one thing that I did notice was she never changed her owl's name. On the day she had to leave again, she left a note taped to my door.

"Petty,

I love you.

Lils."

It broke my heart and I sobbed, but my parents didn't notice. I went to school the next day, and that school became my life. I made sure to excel; I made sure to be noticed! Most importantly, I made sure that I was normal; I made sure I was nothing like my younger sister.

I met the love of my life at that school--Vernon Dursley. He courted me, wooed me, and I brought him home to meet Mummy and Daddy. Luckily, they approved of him, and he and my father got along quite well. They started talking about a business Vernon wanted to start, something about drills. My father had retired by now, and my mother was getting plump. Mummy's age was made noticeable by the smile lines she received around her eyes and her mouth.

"Petty, be a darling, and fix up the kitchen for your sister. She's coming home for Christmas!"

"Of course, Mother," I seethed. It bothered me so when my mother didn't notice when I called her 'mother' instead of 'mummy'. Vernon did, though.

When Lily came home, she was smiling prettily and was fully figured. She was only fifteen now, and I was obscenely jealous of her.

"Hello, Mummy, Papa. Hello, Petunia. You must be Vernon. Hello, it's a pleasure to meet you! I'm Lily," Lily said by way of greeting--bloody perfectly, if you ask me.

Yet, it pained me so, even then, when she called me Petunia.

"It's nice to meet you, Lilian," Vernon said with civil politeness.

God, I loved this man!

"Hello, Lily. Yes, this is Vernon," I said with mock civility. Apparently, my younger sister noticed my coldness, so she turned her back to me and greeted our parents with hugs and kisses. Sitting down on the couch, the three of them looked up at me.

Sniffing disdainfully, I set out the tea and turned my back--away from their prying eyes, eyes that didn't see me as my should. Speaking to my parents, but facing the fire I told them of my plans. I just couldn't bear to be in the same room as my sister.

"Mum, Father, Vernon and I are going to his parents now. I might see you tomorrow, but if I don't--have a wonderful Christmas morning."

I grabbed Vernon by the hand and walked out of that house, leaving behind my hurt sister and equally hurt parents.

~*~

When I came back home, Lily was gone. My parents didn't say anything to me about what had happened that night, and I never made a point to bring it up. All I told Vernon was that I loathed my sister, couldn't stand being near her because she was a freak, and that was the end of it. My darling Vernon, he took it as that, and he kissed me. He was my knight in shining armour; he comforted me with his gestures and his words. It made me love him more, even if it didn't seem possible, because I knew that he wouldn't favour Lily over me--not like my parents did.

I graduated that year, and I moved out and away from my parents. I got married soon after that, and I invited my parents and all of my friends; that didn't include Lily. I was too jealous of her, and I was too ashamed to let her come to my wedding, but she came anyhow, she and a boy with glasses and messy black hair. Lily brought a bracelet as a gift, and it was engraved Forever Sisters. I kept it and hid it. I never wanted to let anyone see it--only me.

After my wedding, I cut all contacts with my parents and my sister. I became Mrs. Vernon Dursley and that was that. Vernon and I our own quaint, little house, and we traveled around the world, to see the sights and to explore the world. We waited a while before we had our little Dudley.

Even though I'm bitter, I still loved my sister, and I still envied her abnormalities, as I soon came to tell Vernon about them. He apparently hated them more than I. I assumed that perhaps he had lost someone close to him because of wizardry.

~*~

That eventful night when I awoke and saw a bawling baby on my doorstep, I knew that something had happened. I got periodic letters from my sister; she invited me to her wedding, to her baby shower--she invited me to see her son, Harry Potter. She must have married that boy she brought to my wedding because she said something about her son having black hair.

My parents had died a few years before all of this happened, and I went to the funeral and wept. I wept bitter tears because I was a bitter daughter, and not too long after that, my dear Lils died and with her, her husband. Some other wizard whose name started with a 'V' blew up Lily's house, and that baby spawn of hers was on my doorstep. He was so beautiful because he was her son: her bundle of joy! He had her green eyes, her bright green eyes. He was her son; therefore, he was my enemy; the bane of my existence.

Vernon told me to get rid of him, but I wouldn't do such a thing. I couldn't because I only wished it were me that was the witch, and, in a way, it was still me who got to be the witch because Lily was my flesh, was my blood. With those thoughts, I knew that this could've been my son, and he could've been the one on Lily's doorstep. I told Vernon no. My reasoning was that we would make his life just as miserable as it would be in an orphanage. Besides, what would they do if we put him up for adoption? What would my sister do? It's the last act I'd do for my best friend, whom I dropped because of my jealousy. It would be the last thing I would--could!--do for her.

"Harry, you're my sister's son, but you will not be so when you live under this roof. You shall not be a Dursley, but you most certainly will not be a wizard either!" I told the one-year old vehemently.

Harry, my nephew, was soon being kept in the cupboard under the stairs, because there, we wouldn't even notice.