I am Remus

I am Remus.

Remus J. Lupin. That's the name I was born with. Amazing name, isn't it? Remus, one of the twin brothers that battled over Rome...Rome was named for Romulus, the old-time Remus's twin brother. But there was something else amazing about both men.

They were raised by wolves.

I have a twin, but we were separated when I went to Hogwarts and he didn't. He wasn´t magical enough, but that didn´t bother him. He wanted to be like our Mum, and be a paleontologist. From early on, after an encounter late night in the woods, I had something special about me, something that he didn't share beyond magic. Normally, we shared everything. But this we didn't. This was a burden I was forced to carry on my thin shoulders alone.

And it terrified me.

Although I had known about my strange transformations that happened on special nights during the month, I would never and still never have grown accustomed to it. Whenever I think about it, I feel bitterness because all of the opportunities that this strange concept has slammed shut in my face. The terror is gone, replaced by a burning flame of anger, sometimes even rage.

During Hogwarts...it wasn't that way. Not at all. The terror has not yet grown, changed, shifted to the anger. It ruled my life with a crushing power, shaking me to sleep only to wake me a few hours later with terrible nightmares that left me in fits of panting. My sweat-soaked sheets were constantly being washed.

I guess at Hogwarts the reason that I managed to keep alive in that terrifying atmosphere was because I had acquired something my wolfish problems hadn't permitted me to have before: friends. We were a gang of four unruly youngsters, proud to be the Magical Mischief Makers. I was the master at Transfiguration and Defense Against The Dark Arts, because of my experience in those two subjects.

There were four of us. James, the wild-haired tall boy that was equally Sirius's shadow as much as Sirius was his own. Sirius, neatly groomed with a mischievous smile to glaze his very image. Peter, small, slightly pudgy, afraid. And myself, the silent freak. We were the bravest lads in the school, fighting imaginary battles, romping around on spirited chases of wild creatures through the Forbidden Forest, chasing away the demons of an eleven-year-old's life.

And I had disappeared every month to return back to Hogwarts with another lie for my friends to cover up my secret. Another lie tumbling from my lips, another excuse about my freakishness, another spiel of guilt that I had lied to the guys who would probably give their lives for me.

Somehow or other, they found out about the secret that pinned me to my sheets with freight on my human nights. I had been standing there, cheeks burning with shame, when James, Sirius, and Peter confronted me, trying to keep solemn faces. They failed, as usual. Sirius could never go for long with out his smile and Peter was always smirking.

They were indignant that I hadn´t told them. That was it. They weren´t angry, they didn´t disown me. Unlike most of the people who had stumbled across my secret, they weren´t afraid of the freak that I could become. They weren´t even scornful. In fact, they seemed to give me a little respect because I had this problem. And they sympathized with me. Nobody except my dad had ever done that.

It was James´s brilliant idea to help me out. James was always the one with the plans, but it usually took Sirius to work them out completely. Peter, Sirius, and I were a little skeptical of James´s idea at first, but James spent all night studying one night and came back with an answer. Sirius, Peter, and James would all become Animagi and accompany me on my long nights as a wolf.

The next three years were spent toiling and pulling pranks on teachers while we sneaked around school, gathering time and materials. In becoming pranksters, we slightly set ourselves away from the rest of the people in Gryffindor house. The seventh-years weren't too fond of us and snubbed us whenever we came into a room. The Slytherins hated us.

A group of Slytherins hated us in particular. They were mostly in our year, but a few were younger. The leaders of this little group were Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape. We called them Malfoy and Snape and they called us Lupin, Potter, Black, and Pettishrunk. They seemed to target Peter the most. James didn´t get along too well with either of them and Black outright hated both of them. Snape and James were normally at each others´ throats by the end of foruth year. I kept my distance.

The terrible news came one day in the December of our second year. A new and powerful dark lord was rising. Everybody called him Voldemort, a name gathered from mysterious notes and marks left on the scenes of the crimes. He had murdered the family of a Ravenclaw fifth year, Nigel Prewett. When we saw Nigel in the hallway, he was as pale as a ghost, never saying a word. His bright blond hair, the same color as Peter´s, became unkempt and he drew farther within himself before exploding out, proving to be a genius at Defense Against The Dark Arts. It scared the teachers.

I talked to Nigel only once, when I saw him reading a book on the Dark Arts that he´d gotten out of the Restricted Section of the library. He was a boy of few words, but he spoke he talked in long spouts.

"Voldemort murdered my family. I know everybody tires of hearing it, but I can't get it past me." He looked at me with eyes as pale as Sirius´s. "It keeps coming back--fresh--in waves. It brings fresh pain, new anger. I want to kill him. I dream of ripping him apart with my bare hands!" He was so enraged about this that I took a step back. But then he stopped and laughed lightly, a "heh heh" sort of laugh.

"I´m sorry to get so vehement. I do that whenever I think that it would be...Kip´s birthday...tomorrow or...or Dad´s..." he stopped. I nodded and gave him some space, practically fleeing the library. Strangely enough, I never talked to him again.

Voldemort grew steadily as we neared the end of our second year. When we returned for third year, we discovered that Voldemort had killed the family of Slytherin Julia Bone. People grew afraid of him and started calling him "You-Know-Who." James, Sirius, and I all called him Voldemort, but Peter adopted this absurd habit.

Third year really flew by for the four of us. To the teachers, we were a beacon of what had been before Voldemort had risen, dung-bombing Argus Filch and Malfoy and Snape, and pulling every funny trick we knew. James and I started working on a map that could store a little bit of each of our personalities in it and lead any future troublemakers into the deepest bowels of Hogwarts. Sirius helped Peter with the potion that would enable them to transform.

Then, one night, it was done.

The potion was complete. Sirius and James came racing out to meet me as I headed to the Whomping Willow to become a wolf, Peter not far behind. "We did it! We really did it!" James cried, grinning at me. Sirius did a cartwheel; he was the only one of us able to do one of those. "We´re Animagi!"

"Sure you are!" I said, grinning broadly. Suddenly, my knees felt weak. My old friends had abandoned me when they discovered my terrible secret before Hogwarts. James, Sirius, and Peter had befriended me further, joining their minds to help me in my fight against my terrible curse.

That night was one of the easiest moonlit nights I had ever had. James, a giant stag, and Sirius, a giant black dog, had kept me under control while we searched through the Forbidden Forest, discovering new trails. Peter, a small rat, rode on James's shoulder, squeaking whenever James ran.

Transformations became easier and I was more like myself on my horrible nights. We discovered all of the wonderful trails out of Hogwarts to Hogsmeade and used them constantly. There we were, the Kings of Hogwarts to our own names. Everybody except the Slytherins liked us, we were funny, and we had more adventures than anybody else at Hogwarts. We were brave, we were clever...

We were young and stupid.

Now that I look back at it, I see all the danger we caused to Hogwarts. Our carelessness, our smug pride in our cleverness, could have killed or injured several people. Could have turned several people into...me.

Moving past that, Voldemort grew steadily through the rest of our four years at Hogwarts. James was made Head Boy in our seventh year and another Gryffindor girl named Lily Evans was named Head Girl. We were all proud of our friend, but he was worried about what Voldemort would do to him after Hogwarts. There was no question in his mind: James was going to be an Auror, and he was going to hunt down Death Eaters. That was after Hogwarts, and while we had big plans, we had sworn to enjoy our last year at Hogwarts. But seventh year passed really quickly, almost too quickly, a blur of pranks and such. And soon, we were responsible adults out to make names for ourselves.

Dumbledore was the one who brought the terrible news to James. It was a year after we'd graduated. James had found an interest in Lily, who was working in the same building as he was. They didn't have anything really serious going at that point, but it was close. Dumbledore showed up one night when Lily and James were eating the gruel they said was all that the cafeteria where they worked sold.

"James," he said solemnly, sitting rigidly in the recliner James had scrounged for in his apartment. I imagine that Dumbledore looked out of place, because he always looks out of place. Sitting in between knickknacks and James´s Quidditch posters, he must have looked even stranger. "Voldemort's gone after your parents."

James said he sat there in shock and asked, "What?"

James never told me exactly what Dumbledore said to him, but the bare bones of it all was that Voldemort had sought out James´s younger sisters and his parents, and had killed them. I imagine that he used the Avada Kedavra curse, but James never said. He was the last surviving Potter.

Dumbledore left a few minutes after that. James never mentioned that story again.

He and Lily dated for a year and then decided to get married. They were so happy with each other that not even Voldemort could interfere on their plans. I stayed with James for a week when I was fired from my low-time job and their rapture was obvious. I have to admit I was jealous when I could hardly get a girlfriend for just one day. After staying with James, I went and stayed with Sirius at his two-room flat up in London. Even Sirius had a girlfriend, but she didn't look like the serious type.

About that time, I found a job that I managed to keep for a grand record of two years. I was second to a researcher, so I got to travel a lot. He knew about my secret and was still okay with me, so my work suited me quite fine. The only down-side was that I hardly ever got to see my friends. An urgent discovery called me early from the wedding of James and Lily.

My job didn´t last much longer. I was fired when my boss´s boss found out about my problem. I stayed with Sirius for a month, doing odd jobs around London to earn money. After awhile, I had saved enough to put money down on a simple flat in the outskirts of Magical London. A year and a half's time passed by, with me out of work and struggling to make ends meet. It had been four years since we'd graduated from Hogwarts by then. At this point, my life was starting to look promising. Dumbledore had contacted me about taking on a job with a secretive Organization. I had even found myself a date for a few weeks. Her name was Kima, and she was quite an exotic type for the naïve sort of boy I was. My times with her were fun, but my secret was safe with nobody but the Marauders. So we broke up and a new page of my life began.

Dumbledore informed James of Voldemort's official threats against him. After a few days of thinking hard, they came up with the one answer. The Fidelius Charm. They would perform the charm and Sirius would be the Secret-Keeper. Lily was eight and a half months pregnant by now. Godric´s Hollow, small, out of the way, was the perfect choice for them.

I visited only once before the charm was performed, so I could know where it was. James and Lily were quite the independent pair and their love flourished in that house. Lily had added all of the right touches to make it feel homey, even with James´s absurdly large collection of Quidditch paraphernalia. I was given a big meal before I left for my newest job with the Order of Phoenix.

Before I left, James took me aside. "The Fidelius charm will take a year to prepare. We start tomorrow. Will you help?"

Although I wanted to, I couldn't. My newest boss was a very firm believer on being on time, and the days he gave off were stingy and few between. So I sadly shook my head. "Sorry. My boss won't permit it. I have to do some work in Saudi Arabia concerning a three-headed sand dragon." Dumbledore had already come to me with the request to keep my ears open for news of Voldemort in that area. So far, I had been under the impression that I would be running a base of operations over there against Voldemort. I wasn´t too far off.

"Oh, okay." James looked kind of dejected that I couldn't make it, but swallowed his feelings. That´s what James was good at: putting on a bold face so that others around him could keep going on. I patted his shoulder sympathetically, smiled grimly, and hopped into my '57 Chevy. "I´ll see you soon."

"I'm going to visit you and Lily in the hospital. I´ve already cleared that with my boss," I promised, starting the car. I had fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror as a joke and the seats were sort of torn up, but I loved the large car. "Keep both of you alive, okay?"

"Will do," James promised back. He stepped onto the grass and I drove away from the curb. Lily came out and waved and I saw as the two of them went back into the house. I definitely envied them for their love, and wished fervently that I could have a relationship like that with somebody.

A little over two weeks later, I sat with Sirius, Peter, and James in the waiting room at a small hospital a town away from James's house. James was smoking a cigar that Sirius had saved for the occasion and pacing nervously. Peter was trying fruitlessly to solve a crossword puzzle and Sirius was staring into space. I decided to shut my eyes and catch up on some much-needed sleep.

I woke up hours later, when Sirius was handing James another cigar and Peter had given up on his crossword puzzle. A nurse came in and announced excitedly, "It´s a boy, Mr. Potter."

And so Harry was born.

Lily and James were both proud of this wild-haired pink bundle of a son. The fifth Marauder, James announced, holding the wailing bundle of blankets out towards us. Harry James Potter, they named him. They had considered calling him Harry James all the time at first. But it would always be Harry. And boy did that kid have a set of lungs. When Sirius passed him on to me, I was amazed that somebody so small would someday be as large as the rest of us. Like all newborns, he had blue eyes, but they were either going to turn brown or green. I tried to pass him on to Peter, but Peter said he didn't trust himself with something that fragile, so I passed the newborn back to James.

Business called me away in the middle of that night. The sand dragon had returned and I was forced to battle it back down again. That assignment took six months, what with trying to run a base against Voldemort in that region. I didn´t speak the native dialect, but they refused to have any other leader if I was there. I returned home to be whisked away by another assignment, this time in the depths of Romania, dealing with a feud between two vampire families. It wasn't a pleasant job and I was literally risking my neck, but I escaped back to my little flat in one piece quite a few months later. Voldemort had been on the rise for eleven years, and rumors of his whereabouts were everywhere.

I arrived home from a meeting with the Order of Phoenix, the business-front-rebel-band that had employed me, and fell asleep onto my couch after drinking half of the quart of milk that I'd just brought at the grocery store. The full moon was the next day, so I had to sleep on it fully. I was planning to visit James, Lily, and Harry the next morning as well.

The phone, a Muggle device that I had decided to use because half of my missions were given to me the Muggle way, jangled loudly at three o´clock the next afternoon, waking me. Grumbling loudly, I dragged myself up to answer it and yawned, feeling stubble on my chin as I covered my mouth. "Hello?" I asked grumpily.

The voice that flooded my ear filled me with dread. Professor Dumbledore spoke calmly, but I knew he was close to tears from the sound of his voice. "Remus, I'm sorry I couldn't get to you earlier. You've been away, so you wouldn't know what happened last night...I'm sorry. Voldemort attacked."

"Attacked? Attacked where?" I asked, the news shocking me out of my reverie. For five years, I had been in charge of listening for Voldemort´s whisperings, and I hadn´t heard a thing about tonight.

I could hear Dumbledore hesitate. The news hit me in the stomach. "James and Lily, Remus. I´m sorry...I know you and James were best friends..."

"Did he...?" Dread filled my every pore. Surely, if anybody, James could survive an attack by Voldemort. My best friend just couldn´t be dead--it wasn´t right!

"No, I´m afraid not. Both of them are dead." Dumbledore's voice was solemn, which was unusual for the man who always had a twinkle in his fathomless blue eyes.

Dumbledore was missing a person..."And Harry?" I asked, hardly daring to hope.

"He survived!" Surprised, I dropped the phone and had to scramble to pick it up. When I put the receiver to my ear, Dumbledore was saying, "Voldemort couldn't kill him. Nobody knows what it was, but he somehow drained Voldemort's power. Harry's famous now, so we've sent him to live with his Muggle relatives." Another lengthy pause, this one more terrifying than any of the others. "Now the second bout of bad news."

My brain wasn´t functioning clearly. "Wait a minute. Voldemort couldn't find James and Lily unless the Secret-Keeper told...SIRIUS!"

My anger, my rage, was too great to ignore to listen to the rest of the phone conversation. I remember Dumbledore saying something about how he would call me back before my fit of anger began. I slammed the table into the wall, I knocked things off of shelves. I vowed to kill Sirius for the crime he had committed.

The phone rang again. I picked it up, knowing it would be Dumbledore. "That´s not all," he continued, as if I'd never thrown a rage fit. "Peter confronted Sirius last night."

"Stupid move." My insides turned to ice. Peter had never been able to beat anybody, let alone Sirius, in a duel.

"According to some eye-witnesses, Sirius killed more than a dozen Muggles and all that is left of dear Peter is a finger." I absorbed this news, an emotionless shell now that the rage was gone. Trust Dumbledore to tell it like it is, I remember thinking later. There was no sugar-coating, no holding back. The bare and utter truth lay before me, delivered on a Muggle telephone.

I didn't leave my house for two whole days and I just let the phone ring. That night, I locked myself in the basement and caused more harm than I could remember to myself. I think I went into shock. After all, I'd lost my three best friends in one fell swoop. I sat there, emotionless, staring at the wall or blankly at the TV. My rage and anger were hidden by the shield that had become my face. Two days later, I emerged from my state and went out to buy a suit for the funerals.

As they laid the empty coffins in the ground, a tear slid down my cheek, the first tear I'd cried over the death of my friends. I didn't want to believe it, but they were dead. And I would never talk to them again...

I was fired from my job four months after the death. For three years I roamed around. Often, in the town I was in, people saw a lone wolf howling at the silvery orb of a moon. For three years, I have kept my story as that wolf silent.

I am Remus, the friendless lone wolf who howls at memories. Each day is a new adventure. Each day is a new tear.

I am the past. I am the memories. I am what is left.

I am Remus.