If Love is a Game...

Chapter Twenty-Five

Back at Hogwarts

The feast that night was just what they all needed. Seeing her friends again was just what she needed to suddenly forget everything that was going to happen later on. She laughed with Sara again as she began to explain how her Christmas had went. They exchanged "thank yous" because of their Christmas gifts and everything. They just talked and laughed. And she was able to forget.

Sitting at the Gryffindor table once again in the Great Hall with her best friends--and her boyfriend--made Krystyna forget every horrible thing in her life for once. She could laugh at all of James's and Sirius's jokes--mainly on the Slytherins (of course, James's favorite jokes were on Petunia)--and giggle when Peter didn't get them. She could talk with Sara about how her holiday had been and snicker when Lily retold James's "Muggle" predicaments.

"How was I supposed to know where Mongolia was?" James asked no one in particular. They all laughed at him again. He didn't seem quite used to being the one they poked fun at. With all of this, Krystyna had no reason to remember what she was going to have to do. It was only in those times when she raised her head after laughing heartily and saw Lucius Malfoy watching her intently from the Slytherin table that she was drawn back to reality. But she was always good at concealing her thoughts and true feelings, and continued to laugh and stay in the delightful moment.

She, however, felt slightly bitter with Krystyna. No, she hadn't done anything wrong. On the contrary, she had done exactly what she should've done and she was still doing the same. Maybe it wasn't bitterness that resided in her heart at the moment; maybe it was... jealousy. Yes, she was feeling slightly jealous of Krystyna Melanie. No, she wouldn't like to swap her lives because she hated her own just the same. But she would like to swap personalities.

She always wondered why Krystyna, Lily, and Sara became friends with her in her Second Year (she didn't have any friends in her First Year). Krystyna was brilliant and very beautiful; she was a wonderful Chaser too. She was very good with advice and was very good in difficult situations (not that this one counted; she was handling it like everyone else would--carefully). And when the going got tough, she pulled them through and kept a straight face doing it. When the going got even tougher, she kept on smiling and kept them going. And when the going became unbearable, she laughed and continued on with life, winning.

And then there was Lily Evans, the fantastic Muggle-born witch. She was wonderfully brilliant and she paid no attention to the never ceasing insults she got from Lucius and Severus Snape. She replied back with the easiest of ease. She never got rumpled or disheveled, even in very sticky situations, and always managed to stay calm and come out looking good. How she did it, she didn't know.

And last, but certainly not least, was Sara Whitfield. This girl made her ponder even further at how they had become friends. Their personalities were exactly opposite--exactly. She was loud, extremely temperamental, rather irrational, a realist, a feverish Chudley Cannon fan (couldn't forget that), could get very depressed, very aggressive, and sometimes slightly hysterical. Sara, however, was quiet, calm, very rational and logical, an idealist, a slight Tornado fan (she hated the team), never an impulsive thinker, a subtle winner, and seemed always happy. Nothing could bring this girl down. It amazed her and always gave her hope that she could one day accomplish that too. They were opposite, but that's what kept them together, she supposed.

But still, she could not help but feel jealousy towards Krystyna. She could not stand how easy it was for Krystyna to slip on her mask and hide what was going to happen. She couldn't help but feel jealous at how easy it was for Krystyna to continue to laugh and talk like normal, as if she was the happiest person in the world. She couldn't stand at how Krystyna could still look at Sirius and them all and not fall apart in front of them.

Not when she was falling apart on the inside. This was not one of her sudden furious states. Right now, at this very moment, she could only feel a deep sadness. She was morbidly depressed at how her family could ruin such a good girl's life so easily. Oh yes, that and she was disgusted with herself. She wanted to run up to the Staff table and spill out everything--very loudly--in front of Professor Dumbledore--which she could not do, ever. She was sick with herself that she couldn't be as strong as Krystyna could be. She was sick with herself because it was her family doing this.

Yes, Lorena truly did feel jealous of Krystyna, if just a little. She couldn't help it. Not when she couldn't slip on her façade so easily. She doubted if she ever could. She had been skilled to lie. Oh yes, she was wonderful at lying--it was an Art, after all. But she could never disguise her true feelings very well. Even towards Remus, she had been bubbly and happy. When she was angry, everyone must know. When she was sad, she was silent and they all knew. And right now, she couldn't slip her mask on and hide behind the façade of lies. Right now, she was morbidly silent and depressed looking. She gave a chuckle here and there, but nothing major.

It didn't matter. No one seemed to notice. No one seemed to care. And right now, that was perfectly fine with Lorena. She did not eat. It was a wonderful feast and everyone's plates were filled to capacity, but her plate stayed empty--and spotlessly clean. Again, no one seemed to notice. And no one seemed to care if she was eating or not--if she was laughing and talking or not--if she was happy or not. No one paid her that much attention tonight.

No one, except for Remus Lupin. He didn't say anything. He wasn't the type to point something out to others. He was the type that observed other people, watched their expressions and their movements to figure them out. And right when he thought he had Lorena all figured out, she suddenly changed. Usually, she would be talking rapturously and laughing cheerfully, but she was silent and barely gave a short and quiet chuckle. Quite frankly, he was worried about her. But, he wouldn't do anything until someone else said something. He just didn't have what it took to point something this serious out.

He watched her as she had her chin in her hands, her elbows propped up on the table. Her plate was sparkling clean; she hadn't even picked at food. Her goblet full of pumpkin juice had been left untouched and her usually dazzling eyes--even though they were gray--were dull and frighteningly empty. Usually, he saw much life and zealous in them, but tonight, they were empty. They had had life in them once tonight. When she had first saw him--running and throwing her arms around his neck in a tight and exuberant embrace--her eyes flashed with happiness. But after someone had accidentally bumped into her and she crashed into a smirking Lucius, she had been scarily morose.

And not seeing Lorena eat or drink and looking depressed made Remus feel suddenly pessimistic, though he chortled and talked along with his friends. He glanced back at her at his side every ten seconds it seemed, checking if she had returned to her blissful self, when she had not. He found out that he was also suddenly not hungry, but extremely thirsty. His throat was very scratchy and dry. He found that his voice was more hoarse than usual.

"Remus, old chap, how was the night before Christmas Eve for you?" James asked, bringing Remus back to earth from his reverie. He snapped his head in James's direction, looking at him, surprised. Then, he remembered that December 23rd had been the full moon. He looked slightly alarmed.

"What's so special about that day, James?" Lily asked lightly, before taking a sip of her drink.

"Why, how could you not know, my dear, Lil?" James asked with mock concern. Remus was wondering how James was going to get out of this one. "December 23rd is the anniversary of our first prank, together as the best of friends! It's a holiday for us all!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must've forgotten that one," Lily replied serenely, setting her goblet down. James's face turned into a very shocked look.

"Forgotten? How could you have forgotten? It's a holiday!" James noted shrilly, looking shocked and horrified at the same time. They all laughed--except Lorena. "That is a terrible shame, Lil; you must remember such important things!"

"I'm sorry, James, I guess my mind's just loaded of everything for the N.E.W.T.s, that's all," Lily replied unconcernedly, continuing the joke.

"Then boot that stuff right out of your mind, if you have to!" James cried out. "These things are crucially important and such other matters should not concern you at all. Honestly, putting Potions over our jokes of the past is a crime."

Everyone burst out in another round of laughter, Lorena chortling quietly and no one seeming to notice. Remus sincerely hoped this wouldn't last long. He had thought about it for a while now as dessert suddenly appeared on the plates in front of them. And he had decided. He was going to question her about this once they got away from the others. He didn't want to pull any attention toward this. He knew that she probably wouldn't want any and he certainly didn't want any attention. He just hoped that there was nothing wrong and she was just thinking hard about something.

Oh yes, Lorena was thinking hard about something. She was thinking hard about how much she was disgusted with her family and with herself. She was thinking hard about what might happen in the future with them all. She was thinking hard about how she wanted to ring Lucius's neck until he told his father that he didn't want to marry Krystyna at all and that this was just a big mistake. Yeah, that was what she was thinking hard about.

~*~

The entire group was on their happy way back to the Gryffindor Tower, except for James and Lily, who excused themselves and headed for the Head Boy and Girl dormitories. Krystyna had her head rested on Sirius's shoulder quite comfortably while Sirius was enjoying it very much. Sara was telling Peter that the reason he had gotten lost over the holiday was because he had accidentally turned left instead of right at this crossroad point in the castle. Lorena had her hands dug deep in her pockets and her head down very low, obviously thinking about something. And Remus, he was watching Lorena discreetly, waiting for a time in which he could talk to her alone.

"Fizzling Fizzlesticks," Sara said, telling them the password and opening the portrait for them at the same time. Remus had told her and Peter before Sirius, James, Lily, Krystyna, and Lorena had come back from their holidays. Remus had a sudden suspicion that that was why Lorena was so down. Sirius, Krystyna, Sara, and Peter clambered into the Gryffindor common room. Lorena was about to go when Remus grabbed her by the arm. She stopped and looked back at him.

"Can we--er--talk, Lorena?" Remus asked her shyly, turning slightly pink. Lorena looked over him, as if calculating what her options were, and then nodded her head.

"Okay, sure," Lorena replied calmly. She poked her head in the open portrait. "Remus and I are taking a short walk to settle our stomachs, okay? If we're not back in an hour at the most--Sirius, stop sniggering, we're not going to do anything of the sort--will you please to try find us--Sirius, I mean it, Remus is not you or anything--because you know how those stupid Slytherins get--Sirius, for the last time, you won't walk in on us making out or anything! Good bye, Sara."

Lorena moved and let the portrait shut. When she turned around to face Remus, who had turned a darker shade of pink after hearing all that, he saw that she was also blushing furiously. She shook her head and they started to walk.

"Sorry about Sirius there," Remus apologized quietly. She shrugged her shoulders.

"That's just him though, right? We wouldn't want him any different, right?" Lorena replied calmly. He thought about that and nodded his head. He was glad Sirius was the joking type, but he sometimes wished he didn't joke on him and Lorena. "So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?"

"Oh--um--right... Well, you didn't seem yourself at dinner; you know, right after you ran into Malfoy on accident," Remus noted coyly, looking down at his feet as they walked. She watched him, trying her best to conceal her nervousness. Someone had been paying attention to her tonight; someone had noticed and cared after all. "Is there something wrong?"

"Well, er..." Lorena tried to remember what her excuse had been on the train for her silence and her blankness. She abruptly remembered them. "Actually, I haven't been feeling good. I've been feeling ill since last night. You know, I think I ate something back at home that didn't agree with me all that well."

Like my entire family, but I didn't eat them... I'm not a cannibal, and besides, they'd probably be too sour, Lorena thought, trying to cheer herself up so she wouldn't look so morbid. They'd probably be rotten too; seeing as how they're all nasty to the core.

"Oh, maybe you should go to the Infirmary then," Remus suggested. It was very sweet of him. He sounded so concerned about her that she actually started feeling better. Maybe that's what her medicine was: Remus. She chuckled on the inside.

"No, that's okay, Remus; I'm sure I'll fell well in the morning after some much needed sleep," Lorena replied gently, touching his arm softly. "I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while so when I do, I'll probably be back to normal again."

Remus didn't feel very convinced so he pushed further. "Are you sure?" he asked her. "You looked so dark and depressed at dinner. Did something happen at the Malfoy Manor that you're not telling me? Did Malfoy do anything to you because if he did, you should tell me and I'll--"

"No, he didn't do anything to me!" Lorena said quickly, holding her hands up. He looked over her, as if he was reading her. She calmed down. "He was just himself. It's just..."

Remus was not one to do something to anybody, but right now, he wasn't exactly being himself either. He was actually being loud and showing his slight anger. "If he did anything to you, I swear, I'll--"

"Marcus came back for the holidays at the Malfoy Manor!" Lorena blurted out loud before she could stop herself. She clapped her hands over her mouth. She didn't want to tell Remus that. She knew that he didn't like Marcus one bit--and actually hated him. Remus didn't hate many people. Although he didn't look it, Remus was positively livid.

"What did he do to you?" Remus questioned in a frighteningly calm voice. They had stopped walking and were now facing each other. Lorena was happy that they were getting farther away from the truth of her sudden grief.

"He was just the sadistic jerk he is, that's all," Lorena said quietly, looking down at her shoes. "I mean, that's bad enough, isn't it?" She looked up at him with tranquil eyes. "Isn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah, it is," Remus said, suddenly realizing that he had alarmed Lorena a bit. He didn't mean to do that and he was feeling guilty for it. She looked down at her feet, feeling like a small child. She hated the feeling they called "Vulnerability". She truly detested it for what it's worth. She hated it because that was how she used it feel when she was younger while around Marcus--vulnerable. Remus could tell that she was uncomfortable again and he felt even worse for making her feel like that. "Lorena, listen; I'm... I didn't mean... I..."

What he could possibly say to this girl? What could he possibly do to cheer this girl up? There wasn't much he could say and there wasn't much he could do. So, he did the only thing that came to mind. He wrapped his arms around her comfortingly. She took a short intake of breath, mainly out of surprise, and much to Remus's surprise, she didn't push away from him. Instead, she laid her head against his chest, listening to the rhythmic melody of his heart beat.

She cried no tears, though that was what she wanted to do very much. She wanted to sob on his warm shoulder and tell him everything that was pressing against her right now. She wanted to warn him of what was going to happen; she wanted to tell him of what her family was going to do to her; and she wanted to tell him that she really did care about him very much, in so many other words. She wanted to spill her soul out to him; he was such a trusting boy, a wonderful confident. And that was something Lorena had wanted more than anything for a very long time.

"Are you absolutely sure that he did nothing to you?" Remus asked her again tenderly.

Lorena closed her eyes and took in the sweet aroma surrounding her. "I'm sure," she said in a barely audible whisper.

I'm sure that I'll never be able to forgive him for his past wrongs, Lorena added in her mind, knowing full well that Remus couldn't read it, and thankful for that. But somehow, he could feel that there was much more to that sentence in his soul.

"Alright, but if there's anything you need to get out of your mind..."--she looked up into his warm and gentle amber eyes, tears brimming behind the grayness of her own--"I'll be there for you, okay?" She nodded her head, signaling that she understood him. And she did. She understood that no matter what, he would be there for her. She just wished it would turn out to be true. They walked back to the Gryffindor Tower, still enveloped in each other.

~*~

"Lily, you have plagued me with the disease of these stupid Christmas carols!" Sirius shouted the next morning at breakfast rather suddenly. Krystyna burst out laughing once again. He had just been humming the tune (rather off key and out of tune) to 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas'. James had pointed it out to him as he stabbed his sausage ruthlessly (the poor sausage; never had a chance). Many people around them stared at him bemusedly. "And Christmas is over already!!"

"Sirius, I'm sorry, but I didn't realize they were so addictive to you," Lily replied casually, pointing at him with her fork that had a piece of egg on it. She ate the piece slowly. James watched her pull the fork out of her mouth.

"Lily, how do you make eating breakfast look so alluring?" James asked her nonchalantly, as if that was the most normal thing to say in the world. Everyone snapped their heads in his direction, but he didn't seem to notice as he chomped on his mutilated sausage while looking down at his plate for his next victim on the list. It was his eggs (say goodbye to the eggs).

"What?" Lily repeated incredulously, looking over at him with one eyebrow arched high in the air. "How do I make eating breakfast alluring?" James looked up from his eggs and looked around at everyone gawking at him. He looked at Lily calmly.

"Yeah, I mean, you're sitting there, eating and pulling that fork right out of your mouth so slowly and then you..." Their stares only suddenly dawned on him. He looked at them all and turned red. "Well, never you mind I said that." He looked down at his plate and began to torture his already scrambled eggs (how can you torture scrambled eggs?).

"Okay, that was just plain weird," Lorena commented, still goggling at James oddly. Everyone else nodded their heads in agreement. Remus was happy that Lorena seemed back to being her old self again. He looked over and smiled at her; she returned the smile back to him. Peter said something and they all aimed their attention over to him. Lorena's smile widened.

No slip, no problems. Easy as pie, I got it. Learning quite well at this, good job. Just one little lie, nothing bad. No pain, no shame; nothing to gain, Lorena thought, her becoming routine etching in her mind rather painfully. She blinked. But everything to lose.

"What's the first class of the new year?" Sara asked curiously, looking at the paper schedule sitting in front of Krystyna. She looked down at it.

"Double Potions"--Krystyna's stomach turned upside down grudgingly when she saw the next thing--"with the Slytherins." Every one of them groaned at their unfortunate luck. Fate was giving them such a bad hand this year, for every single thing in life. Lorena, who was particular bright in Potions, grabbed the paper from Krystyna and looked at it.

"Oh, no, look; they're assigning new partners for us, too!" Lorena exclaimed, horrified with the idea of being paired up with a Slytherin. Sirius leaned over the table and too it from her hands. He scanned the paper over hastily.

"Bloody hell, as if Potions wasn't bad enough already with Lector, they had to double it and have us with those idiot prats!" Sirius complained furiously. James took the paper from him and read over it. He was looking livid too. Lily took it from him calmly and began to read it slowly.

"What happens if I get paired up with that troll, Cindy Newburg for a month?" James thought out loud, envisioning what it might look like. He shuddered at the idea of what the girl might do to him since she strangely pined after him.

"Oh, bother, they're doing a thing called 'Boy/Girl Pairing'," Lily noted, still reading the paper. Everyone looked at her immediately. "And you're right, Lorena, it's also a 'Gryffindor/Slytherin Pairing'." Everyone sank back in their seats, trying to imagine who they were most likely going to get paired up with. Sirius thought up of a horrid thought.

"If that slimy git pairs Krystyna up with Malfoy, he's going to have hell to pay," Sirius growled maliciously, glaring at Lucius from their table heatedly. Krystyna severely tried not to think of what might happen if Lector did that to her.

"Oh, I doubt that; he probably knows that there would be too much conflict of interest," Lily replied very calmly, looking up at a fuming Sirius and a panic stricken Krystyna. "Let's hope he has at least some brains it that dandruff covered head of his." Krystyna blew out a sigh of relief and Sirius calmed down tremendously.

"Does the paper also say that blood related students cannot be paired up?" Lorena asked hopefully, glancing at the paper eagerly. She hadn't really read it thoroughly; just skimmed through it. Lily looked down at the paper to read.

"No, it doesn't," Lily answered serenely causing Lorena to immediately frown, "but I doubt he'll partner you up with Malfoy. It doesn't take brains to know that one of you is likely to taint the potion so the other will get poisoned."

Lorena suddenly brightened up. "Oh, I'm all up for that idea now," she chirped, smiling impishly and glancing at the Slytherin table.

Maybe if she poisoned him, he couldn't marry Krystyna and this entire mess would be solved. And then again, maybe she wanted to live to be eighteen too. And yet again, maybe she wanted to be a happy seventeen year-old girl. But then again, maybe she wanted to marry when she was older, have a wonderful career, and have three kids (why three, don't ask me). But yet again, maybe she wanted to be happy nowadays. This was a problem; there were too many conflicts of interest for her to sort out.

"It says here that we will be paired 'by are personalities, grades, and learning style ability'," Lily told them, reading off of the paper again. She looked up at them again. They were all looking at her, thinking the same exact thing.

"Who do you think you're going to get sorted with?" Remus asked them all, voicing their exact same thought. Everyone thought about for a second and waited for him to answer. "I'll probably get stuck with Narcissa Black, knowing my luck."

"Hehe... that would be interesting," Sirius chortled softly, grinning. Remus shot him a quick glare and his grin immediately disappeared. "What I meant was that it would be interestingly cruel and terrible." He bit his lip and held back a laugh.

"Cindy Newburg here I come," James said glumly, raising his fork in the air. A few laughs erupted from the bunch. Lily particularly didn't want her anywhere near her boyfriend and showed it on from the expression on her face.

"I'm going to get paired up with Rudolph Lestrange; I just know it!" Lorena cried out hysterically, shaking her head unhappily. Everyone started laughing. "Either him or Snap."

"Rudolph?" James laughed incredulously, holding his sides because they were in pain. She knew that she must've pronounced his name wrong so she turned pink and looked down at her plate. She ate some bacon and didn't look up at them. "Snap?"

"That would be Rodolphus Lestrange, Lorena," Remus noted. Lorena gave a soft "Oh" and then nodded her head silently, looking everywhere but at him. She was an embarrassment to herself!

"And it's Snape!" Sara told her, shaking her head and giggling. "Honestly, for being a Pure Blooded witch, you can't get one of the most prominent Pure Blood family's surname correct!"

"It's not my fault," Lorena replied sheepishly as they continued to laugh. "I just don't pay that much attention at all those lame dinners. Do you know how many times Snape has been in my house? Oh, too many for comfort, I'll tell you that."

"The greasy haired git has been in your house?" James repeated, wearing a very true shocked look.

"Of course, his dad's rich and all that crap," Lorena replied unhappily, frowning. "My dad and his dad have the same job, if I remember correctly. It's absolutely dreadful when they make us sit together. You see, it doesn't help when he's afraid of me."

"Oh yes, that's quite hilarious," Peter pointed out quietly.

"Your house has been contaminated, Lorena," Sirius told her, sounding quite serious. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to move out for a while until they can completely spray it from his slime." They all laughed at his joke and sighed.

"Well, we better get heading on to Potions," Krystyna sighed drearily. They all nodded their heads and got up from the table. Lucius eyed them leaving from the Slytherin table. Krystyna glanced over there and saw him watching, so just in spite, grabbed Sirius's hand.

Lorena looked over and saw her cousin watching them. She bit her lip and then glared at him, her eyes traveling down the table to see young Regulus Black watching them with fearful eyes. She suddenly found pity for him as he looked down at him plate looking deathly pale and nervous. Maybe he knew what was going to happen too. He looked extremely uncomfortable, sitting at the Slytherin table. She remembered that apprehensive look. She was sadly reminded of her own. They left the Great Hall.