I'm Not An Addict

~~~~Chapter 3: Harsh Light of Day~~~~

///Let me wake up in your arms, hear you say it's not all right. Let me be self-dead and gone, so far away from life. Close my eyes, hold me tight, and bury me deep inside your heart///

I wake up in his arms. Early morning light bathes my skin, but it dares not touch his. He is covered in shadow, hidden by the trees. His hand is placed lightly on the center of my chest, his head cushioned on my shoulder. I clutch at him possessively. I don't ever want to let go. My heart is racing and the joy inside me is threatening to spill forth. To wake beside him is something that I have dreamed of for so long.

Was it enough? Was I enough? Have I given him a reason to break free of his demons? I can't help but beg and plead silently for everything to be all right.

His eyes open slowly and he blinks several times before he registers that he is not alone. He sits up abruptly and I close my eyes--so tight. Please, please, please.

But I know, I know.

His voice is quiet when it comes. "What?" It raises several octaves. "Malfoy?! We didn't, we didn't!"

///All I ever wanted was you, my love, just you///

He shoves me away roughly, but I don't feel it.

"I can't believe--god, what have I--what have you done?" I don't bother responding. It's over. Everything's over. "I don't know what you were trying to do, but I'm fine. And you're obviously sick and...disturbed. We'll just forget this ever happened."

I don't feel anything but his words reaching inside me twisting, ripping, burning, tearing. I don't open my eyes. I can't bear his disgust, his regret.

"I have to--have to go." And he left.

******************

***********

******************

It didn't matter that it wasn't forced, every movement so willing. A release. It didn't matter because he was back. Harry Potter, Golden Boy Extraordinaire. I wanted it, but I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to let go. Oh--god I did. I knew, but I couldn't stop, wouldn't stop. I've wanted--needed....for so long...and it's over...whywhywhy!

I watched him, in his cell. I would watch him as he slept and I would think of a day when we wouldn't be separated by bars. I could touch him, like he deserved to be touched. I could worship at him, and he would whisper in my ear. Sweet. It would be sweet. I would cry out my love for him and there would be no disgust, no revulsion in jade eyes.

But that wasn't real. This is real. No...it's not real. It's still fake. He's acting, I can tell. He's very good at it. No on notices the way he stops smiling when no one's watching, the way his feet scuffle along the floor when he walks alone. No one sees but me. His pain weighs me down and gives me hope at the same time.

I can only hope for the act to end and for him to see. I want him to need me, and for it to be okay.

But days pass and nothing, all is nothing. And I wait. Patience is something I am gifted with, but I can't be patient, not about this. He barely looks at me and when he does he turns cold and I can feel the frost. Heavy comforters and silk sheets aren't enough to keep me warm, not now. Now that I've known Harry, how can there be anything else? I love him, I never asked for it. But I want it so--so much it hurts. It aches inside when I see him. He smiles and laughs and lets Ginny run her fingers through his hair. I can't tear my eyes away and he knows I'm watching. I know he does.

The truth is that he's putting on the act for me. He's screaming at me that he's fine. That I mean nothing to him. That what we did means nothing to him.

It becomes clearer everyday that he's not going to break, not again. He won't come to me. I have to go to him, make him see. I don't care how long it takes but he will see. He will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to:

Jorsen: I'm very happy to hear that you enjoy it ^_^, Dewi: heh I discovered them one day and have loved them ever since, BrennaSH: heh thanks/ hope you like what's to come, Beren: thank you ^_^ / amazing how simple comments can bring about such joy, hogwarts_hun: such words can go to a person's head ^_~ / but really I'm flattered and thankful for your praise, alexathain: here's more / hope you enjoy ^_~, GLEH: thank you / there are more chapters indeed, nowhere_me: there is more / in fact...it will never end heheh / actually it will but just not now ^_~, Ivory Q.: sorry for the corny / I'm learning / hopefully I'll get better, carrottop: thank you ^_^, dracos_babygirl: nope the fics not over / here's more, Irish_Rose: thank you / it's certainly nice to hear such lovely comments / I appreciate them greatly, Im_Ginny_Weasley: thank you ^_^, kixxblondebabe11: thanks here's the update, Avada Kedavra: I've actually been thinking about writing a prelude to this story / I don't know yet, Malfoysgurl: happy to hear that, michellec601: here's the more ^_~