Save Yourself

Save Yourself, Chapter Twenty - Twilight Dawns

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That night, I cried myself to sleep, asking all the gods and spirits I could think of why this had happened—why the man who supposedly loved me would do such a thing. In the back of my mind I understood what he had done was perfectly within the clauses of the contract our parents had drawn up and that as a Malfoy wife, I wasn’t to question his actions or challenge him in any way—but as a Parkinson girl, I was going to make him cry until his body collapsed from lack of water for what he did to not only us, but to Blaise’s child.

The next morning signaled the start of the weekend and the first day I began to regret the past four mouths. I stayed in the dorms reading for nearly twelve hours after I woke up, devouring three of the books I had received for Christmas, leaving the ones Draco had given me untouched. I was trying to escape from the present, something I hadn’t done for quite a while.

It was a little after nine and nearly three hours after the sun had fallen victim to the horizon when I heard a soft knocking on the dormitory door. I looked up, startled by the sudden intrusion of sound into my silent world.

Instantly, I decided Millicent was the one who had disturbed me, as Blaise was staying with Terrence to both avoid me and laugh at me all in one foul swoop.

“What do you want, Millicent?” I snapped, looking back down at the pages of my book and not bothering to look back up as the door slowly creaked open and heavy footsteps walked into the dormitory. The door was then shut as silently as possible, testimony to Millicent’s acknowledgement of the state I was in—or would have liked to have been in. After the click of the metal lock on the door was heard, there was absolute silence.

Shaking my head, I went back to my reading, and after a few minutes nearly forgetting Millicent was present, most likely getting ready for bed.

“You really should eat,” a soft voice came from behind me—one that was definitely not Millicent’s.

Both the sound and the words startled me out of my reading again, but this time it was with utmost shock and horror that I looked up and spun around on the bed I was sitting on, bringing me face to face with the one person I didn’t want to see:
Draco.

He had silently managed to carry a silver tray of food in, and he had set the meal—made up of all my favorite foods—on top of a chest of drawers.

Gathering myself back into my guarded state of mind, I breathed in deeply and placed on my face a mask of indifference.

“I’m not hungry,” I said stiffly, unaware of why he had taken the time to do such a thing.

He glared half-heartedly towards me while taking a sandwich set on one of the platters. Without saying a word, he leaned towards me, setting the sandwich next to me with a look of non-negotiation.

With a resigned sigh, I complied with his wishes, knowing I should eat, if not for me then for our son.

“We need to talk,” Draco said quietly, respectively still standing a meter in front of me.

“Yes, we do,” I replied after swallowing a bite.

“I need you to understand that it meant nothing. I was young, stupid, inexperienced, and just confused altogether,” he admitted, his eyes meeting mine in an intense gaze where no words were needed to communicate. After a moment of this, he looked away, a blush creeping up onto his cheeks.

“So you decided in stead of saving yourself, you’d enjoy one night of clumsy fondling and potentially ruin our relationship—or did you just not think of the consequences?” I challenged, glaring at his pale form.

“I simply didn’t think at all,” he replied, his voice barely above a whisper and his gray eyes downcast. “If I had, then I would have realized I had someone a thousand times better elsewhere. What I did realize, however, is exactly how much I really did love you, and when I saw what I had done afterwards, I couldn’t live with it, so I swore Blaise to secrecy and pretended it never happened.” Draco took in a deep breath and looked back up towards me, his eyes hungry for approval and understanding.

“What if marriage isn’t all you’ve idealized it as?” I asked quietly, the urge to scream and kick and cry at the unfairness of it all overwhelming my senses, but I forced myself to remain calm. “When you tire of me or find someone prettier, will you ignore me or leave me all together?”

“Of course not!” he exclaimed, taking a step forward in frustration—or perhaps desperation. “We’re a family whether you like it or not, and we’re stuck together through it all, but I love being with you. I loved what we’ve created together and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. The two of us were perfect together, and I’ll be damned if I let you get away like this. I’m so sorry for what I did, and I regret it with everything I am, but you have to see that without that happening, I would have never seen—” he stopped, two small spots on his cheeks turning pink with frustration. “I would have never seen how wonderful we are; we would have ended up like our parents, you know that.”

“You betrayed me, you betrayed your family, and you betrayed your son,” I spat out, touching my swelling belly as I spoke of our son. “I can forgive you for betraying me and I can forgive you for putting Blaise’s life in jeopardy, but I can never forgive you for betraying our son and killing the child you might have had with Blaise. When I think back to when you tried to do the same thing to me—” I shook my head, dark chunks of hair falling into my eyes. “It makes sense, Draco. You know it does and that’s exactly why you’ve come here.”

“No,” he shook his head in denial, “I came here because I love you and I hate this. I hate fighting with you and I hate knowing I could have fucked this up so greatly with something I did so stupidly two years ago. The reason I allowed Blaise to use the spell was because if she hadn’t, she would have been killed. Sending the mistress out of the country isn’t an option for a Malfoy,” he sighed, guilt creeping into his features. “If anything, I was trying my best to protect you.”

“Protect me?” I sneered, standing up suddenly. “You think I need protection from the evils of the world, Draco? You don’t even know what death is—when you cast that spell, you didn’t even think about the potential of life you were taking away, were you?” I breathed in heavily, my own rage and frustration finally taking hold of me. “You know what, Draco? I want you to know exactly what death really is—I want you to know exactly the kind of thing you took away from the world.”

With one quick movement, I was holding my wand and pointing the tip of the mahogany piece of wood directly at my temple.

“I want you to suffer for what you did.” Before he could realize what was happening, I closed my eyes and pictured the two words that were leaving my lips—two words that would change his life forever, and the two words that would send me to hell.

“Avada Kedavra.”


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God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave*

*Sheryl Crow, Strong Enough