Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone Five Line Challenge

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone Five Line Challenge

Chapter 1: The Boy who Lived

Mr Dursley: People who wear robes are evil freaks who don't deserve to live.

*Mrs Dursley walks in wearing a bathrobe*

Mr Dursley: Die, Freak, Die!

*later that night*

Dumbledore: The most feared Dark Lord in 100 years has been thwarted by a 15 month old orphaned boy. He's the most famous wizard in the world! So, let's leave him with his emotionally abusive aunt and uncle.

McGonagall/Hagrid: Ok!

Hagrid: Bye Harry, see in you in 10 years! *drives off on Sirius Black's motorbike*

Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass

*10 years later*

Snake: Hello Harry.

Harry: A snake is talking to me. Will I disregard the obvious abnormality here? Of course! Hey there, Snakey, how's it going?

Snake: *whines* I never wanted to be a giant, exotic snake... I wanted to be... a parrot! Flying from tree to tree...

Harry: A parrot? Uh, ok then... *is shoved onto the floor by Dudley and Piers* UMPH! That hurt, you great galumphing gits! *glass of the snake cage vanishes*

Vernon Dursley: Oh, you are so busted. Off with your head! Er... wrong story. Get in your cupboard and stay there until the beginning of summer! *mutters* Child abuse, Schmild abuse...

Chapter 3: Letters from No One

Harry: Cool! A letter for me!

Vernon: No, it's not. It's junk mail. Damn National Geographic subscriptions... it's a conspiracy I tell you!

*next day*

Vernon: It's an ambush! Attack of the evil mad cap letters, in a scene clearly stolen from Hitchcock's 'The Birds'! Let us flee!

*at the hut on the rock, at sea*

Harry: Some birthday this has turned out to be... *BOOM* What the...?!

Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Keys

Hagrid: Muahahahaha! Heeeeeeere's Hagrid! A-hem! Hey, Harry! Good ter see yer. Yer a wizard... and yer parents were killed by an evil, psychotic wizard

Harry: I'm a wizard? Wicked!

Vernon: No, you're not! There's no such thing as ma... *Hagrid brandishes his pink umbrella/wand* ...ttresses!

Hagrid: Yes, he is! *sees Dudley stuffing his face* Take that Pig Boy!

Harry: Hagrid, can I have a Frilly Pink Umbrella of Doom too? Can I? Can I? Can I?

Hagrid: Whoa there! Do you see me going to the pub to play cards for a dragon egg right now? No, you don't. All in good time, Harry!

Chapter 5: Diagon Alley

*at the Leaky Cauldron*

Quirrell: H-h-hello, P-P-Potter. I-I'm n-not evil. H-have you ever m-m-met an evil v-villain who s-s-stuttered? C-C-Can't s-s-shake your h-hand, s-s-sorry. R-r-rare s-s-skin c-conditions. Allergic to P-P-Potters... D-d-did I s-s-say that out loud?

*at Madam Malkins*

Malfoy: Hello. I'm a snobbish, inconsiderate brat. Talk to you again later!

Hagrid: Harry, I forgot ter mention, when we went ter Gringotts, we picked up a Mysterious Package o' Mysteries. Mull o'er that a bit, won't yer? By the way, Slytherin equals bad, everyone else equals good. That's good advice, that is!

Harry: Ok, I can see the wonderful logic behind that. Tell me again how you were expelled in third year? Mysterious Package, hey? Will I forget about this too? Yep!

*at Ollivanders*

Ollivander: Hello, Mr. Potter. Here is some random information about your parents. Try this wand. Hmm... interesting. You are destined to own the brother wand of You-Know-Who. Is that foreshadowing I smell?

Chapter 6: The Journey from Platform Nine and Three Quarters

Ron: Hi, I'm Ron Weasley. I'm going to be your best friend, and this is Scabbers, my rat. He is not what he seems, which is probably why I'm the only student bringing a rat to school. *grins* Foreshadowing runs in the family!

Hermione: Hi, I'm Hermione Granger. I'm your other best friend, but right now I'm a bossy know-it-all with big teeth and bushy hair.

Malfoy: Hello again. Let me introduce myself. I am Draco Malfoy, your arch nemesis. I am rich and devilishly handsome. Love me. Hate me. It works either way.

Harry: Ok. Cool, a Dumbledore Wizard Card! Hmm, Nicolas Flamel was a noted alchemist. Am I supposed to remember this blatant plot device? Nope? Ok then.

Chapter 7: The Sorting Hat

Sorting Hat: *sings* I am the Sorting Hat. I am all-powerful. There are four houses. That is all, but I get a standing ovation. For my first encore, I'd like to... *students and teachers begin to hurl rotten tomatoes* Watch it, I'm dry-clean only! Ok! Ok! On with the Sorting. Insignificant characters, pick a house, any house, since it doesn't matter where you go. Harry Potter, I am going to put you in Slytherin.

Harry: No way!

Sorting Hat: Why not?

Harry: Because Slytherins are evil. And they smell bad. Although, there is something tantalisingly seductive about Draco Mal... *snaps out of a daze* No! Not Slytherin!

Sorting Hat: Fine then *pouts* GRYFFINDOR *mutters incoherently about temperamental eleven year olds*

Chapter 8: The Potions Master

Snape: I'm the King of Potions. Cower before me and my greatness, unworthy dunderheads. Potter, you are an annoying brat. Twenty points from Gryffindor!

Harry: *to Ron* Snape is definitely Decoy Token Evil Villain material. Let's accuse him of anything mysterious that happens this year.

Ron: Ok.

Chapter 9: The Midnight Duel

*at the Broomstick lesson*

Harry: *sings* I can fly, I can fly, I can fly!!!

*at Quidditch training*

Oliver Wood: Quidditch is wonderful, Quidditch is great. If you don't like Quidditch I will hunt you down and kill you! *grins manically, but still manages to look like a god*

Harry: Ooh! Look at the shiny flying golden ball! Pretty... we wants it! We needs it! It's our preciousssssss.

*later that night*

Harry/Hermione/Ron/Neville: ARGH!!! Three-headed dog!!! Run for your lives!!!

Fluffy: I only wanted to play... *sniffs*

Chapter 10: Hallowe'en

Quirrell: I let out a troll in the dungeon... er I mean, TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! *faints*

Ron: Heart of a lion *rolls eyes*

Harry: *grabs Ron* Hermione! Because of her mini nervous breakdown, which you caused, by the way, she didn't show for dinner! She doesn't know about the troll! *grows hysterical* Oh! Whatever shall we do??!!

Ron: Geez Harry, calm down! Ok, ok, we'll go find her... *they go to the girl's bathroom, miraculously take on a fully grown mountain troll, and live*

Hermione: Now, I am officially your friend. But I still reserve the right to be a bossy know-it-all with big teeth and bushy hair.

Chapter 11: Quidditch

*at the Quidditch match*

Hermione: When did you decide that Snape was Red Herring Token Evil Villain?

Ron: Back in Chapter 8. Huh? What's going on with Harry's broom? *Harry is performing acrobatic tricks on his possessed broom*

Hermione: I'm going to harass the Fake Token Evil Villain - and become a pyromaniac. Be right back! *sets Snape's cloak on fire* Muahahaha!

Harry: *almost chokes on Golden Snitch* Mmm, full of... magical snitch-y goodness.

Hagrid: *cough* Nicolas Flamel! Nicolas Flamel! *cough*

Chapter 12: The Mirror of Erised

Anonymous Santa Claus: Harry. Here's your Dad's invisibility cloak. Feel free to wander around the school after dark. Love Professor Dumbledore An Anonymous Gift Giver.

Harry: *stumbles onto Mirror* I've GOT to do something about my complexion... *steps in front of it* Mum? Dad?

*Harry does not move for the next week*

Dumbledore: Still here, Harry? Geez kid, you really need a life, if all you want to do is gaze longingly into a mirror. I've got to take it away now, anyway, Minerva does become quite unbearable without it... but, don't worry, it won't be the last time you see it... Um, did I say that out loud?

Chapter 13: Nicolas Flamel

Harry: Who's Nicolas Flamel?

Hermione: For once in my life, I fail to provide the answer. I am doomed! My life is over!

Neville: In my one cameo I will present the great Harry Potter with the solution to this problem. *reverently hands Harry the Dumbledore Wizard Card*

Harry: That's it! He's a noted alchemist! He created the Sorceror's Stone! Good thing I actually read these cards.

Neville: Hello? Credit! Over here! Yoo hoo! *sulks* I feel so left out.

Chapter 14: Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback

Hagrid: My own dragon! I'm gonna hold him and love him and squeeze him and call him George... er, I mean Norbert!

Harry: Hagrid, you can't keep him. We need him as a plot device to move the storyline forward

Hagrid: Ok *looks teary*

*after Charlie's friends take Norbert away*

Harry: Caught by Filch. Damn. Which person, who considers herself to be a genius, forgot to remind me to pick up the Invisibility Cloak on the way down? *looks pointedly at Hermione*

Hermione: Once! One damn time I forget something and he leaps all over me! It's your cloak, you know! I took the blame for the troll. Let's see how you manage by yourself, Mr. Boy-Who-Takes-Things-For-Granted!

Chapter 15: The Forbidden Forest

McGonagall: Potter! Granger! Longbottom! Detention! And fifty points each from Gryffindor! Malfoy - no one likes a tattletale. Fifty points from Slytherin! And detention! Detention! Detention! Detention! *does a little Detention Dance of her own creation. And still never smiles*

Hagrid: There's a dangerous nasty thing killing th' unicorns. What'll we do? O' course! Send in th' four naughty eleven year-olds to take care of it. I'm sure they're more than a match for any strange, plot-developing, foreshadowing evil lurking about! *grins*

Firenze the Centaur: Ooh! Mars... pretty! Oomph! *runs into tree* Harry Potter! I will lead you to safety! By the way, that nasty dangerous thing was Voldemort. He's out to get you and the other centaurs think that I should let him. Cool huh?

Harry: This guy REALLY has it in for me, doesn't he? He's not still mad about me thwarting his evil plans, is he?

Chapter 16: Through the Trapdoor

Harry: The Sorceror's Stone is in danger! Don't ask me how I know, I just do. We've got to save it, even if it means putting our lives in danger.

*in the forbidden corridor*

Harry: Fluffy! Go fetch! *throws three newspapers in different directions*

Ron: I will sacrifice myself in an oversized game of chess so Harry can go save the world... again. Yay!

Hermione: Somehow, I have solved Snape's logic puzzle. I am an eleven-year-old prodigy! Yay me! Bottoms up, Harry!

Harry: Great. So I have to go face the bad guy on my own. Again. Typical.

Chapter 17: The Man with Two Faces

Harry: Aha! Caught you red-handed, Snape... er, Professor Quirrell? Geez! I never saw that coming! Anyway, get lost, Actual Token Evil Villain, I'm here to save the Sorceror's Stone!

Quirrell: The Sorceror's Stone? Idiot boy. Say it with me now - the Philosopher's Stone. P-H-I-L-O-S-O-P-H-E-R-apostrophe-S-space-S-T-O-N-E. You suck! And the face of Lord Voldemort, which is on the back of my head, agrees!

Lord Voldemort: Hey Harry, long time no see. You suck! Join me and you will suck no longer!

*Harry gets the stone, Quirrell does an Academy Award winning impersonation of the Wicked Witch of the West, Voldemort is thwarted by an 11 year old (which, incidentally, is much better than being thwarted by a 15 month old), Harry faints*

Dumbledore: *at the leaving feast* Even though Slytherin has won the House Cup fair and square, I'm going to make Gryffindor win, because that's Harry's house and his name is in the title of this marvellous series. So go suck eggs, Slytherin *aside* Maybe if I show blatant favouritism, JK will write me a bigger part in the next book!