Baby Girl

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and thoughts force themselves upon me that I would much rather ignore. I turn to look out of the window in a feeble attempt to distract myself, but the leaves are brown and the sky is gray. There is nothing outside to take my mind off things, and anyway, it is growing steadily darker.

The night is a strange thing; my hair looks like blood in the night. There is something inexplicably comforting, yet infinitely frightening about darkness. When it is dark, I get lonely.

What I wouldn't give to be able to read minds, starting with my own. I don't know what is going on in my head, let alone my heart. I think I made a very big mistake.

I see your face in front of me, but it is not really you I'm looking for, it is someone else. Someone I don't know yet. Or maybe someone who exists only in my head. My thoughts drift back to you, only inches away from me, on the other side of this wall, and there's an aching inside my head. It's telling me you're better off alone.

Oh lord, how I used to love you. But I fell into an ocean of you and pulled myself out just in time. My love got lost somewhere along the line as I was finding myself again. Now you tell me you love me, and well, I never ever thought that would be. Looking back, I can see the look in your eyes, because you never were subtle, were you? But it eluded me because I wasn't expecting it. Not after such a long time. You begged me to give you a chance and I am, but I think it's mostly me forcing, me dreaming. I would love to love you like you love me, love you for your sake, but I think this is just me pretending I can.

You call me your honey, you call me your sugar, but what am I? There's a difference between honey and sugar because sugar's sweet but honey's sweeter and honey is the real thing but sugar is much cheaper. Darling, I don't know how much I'm prepared to pay for your love.

There's something about you that I will always adore and never understand. You're a good kisser, and that's not lip-service, but there's something so naïve about you. You're a good kisser, but are you a good lover? We are sleeping in separate beds because you said you don't want to ush anything, and I am glad in spite of myself, because I'm not sure I would be able to stomach it. That does not have anything to with time. You used to visit me in my dreams; the dreams of a teenaged girl that craves the kind of love she doesn't get from her parents, but that is over now. I am no longer a teenager, and I am no longer inexperienced in the ways of love-making, even if I am inexperienced in the ways of love.

I have given up the part of me I could only give once, and even though I had sworn that I would save myself for you, it was only a girl-hood secret, and only one of many promises to myself that I did not keep.

I cannot say what it was that opened my eyes and changed my attitude towards you. My life went on, but not the same. I had never imagined a life without you, and then you were suddenly gone, leaving a hole that gaped, but not in a bad way. Just different. I have managed to cope with the change in my life, and the loss of the person that it revolved around. I don't think you even noticed, back then. But you notice now, because there is no disguising the fact that I do not love you. Not anymore.

My hero. Or not. You swear you would give me the moon, but what if I don't want it? This is not political, and I need attention like any normal person, but please don't drown me, don't suffocate me, let me live.

I know I've got you what you want, and I've got what you need, but I will make you cry and it's not what I want. I will make you crash and burn and I won't be there to catch you, but will you believe me if I tell you that I love you, just not enough? I love you in a way that will never be enough to bind me to your side.

I'm too impatient to stay by your side, too restless to keep you down when shit gets rough. Baby, not everything is what it seems. I pretended to be more than I was and I thought I could do without love. Now I see that I can't, I took you, but It's not what I want either. Watch your step, because you might loose your balance trying to do what I did, and I don't want to see you fall.

You call me your baby-girl, well let me tell you baby, I will never be your baby. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to play with fire? I'm the flame, I can't get burnt, but you will hurt yourself if you're not careful. Because while you were away fighting monsters, in human form or otherwise, there were some basics you missed. You are a hero because you can wield a wand better than a sword, and a sword better than most people, and you shine much brighter than I ever could, but emotions are something different altogether. They are not something you can fight with a wand or a sword, and believe me - I would know.

I am somebody else when I am with you. I try to figure out why, but I receive no answer, not from myself, and not from you. Still, nobody's perfect. I guess I should have known that you would bring out the worst in me - I have always tried to impress you. Why should it be any different now? You make me act unnatural when being able to act carefree was what I always prided myself on.

All my school days I wished for you to love me, I wanted you to want me and dreamt of nothing but your affection. Now that I am looking your love in the face, I throw it away. But then again, maybe it is simply better this way because you can not keep me here. Many roads I have traveled - big words for someone of my few years, but though I have not done such great deeds as you have, there are other ways I have walked, and they have taught me a lot about myself. I have fallen often, but always picked myself up again and always learned my lesson. I have no regrets; all the pain was worth it. But now, I try to do what's best, and know that I deserve it - I do not deserve you.

It pains me to see you like this, because you deserve so much better than what you're getting for your troubles, but the more I think about this pressure, I don't want to be the one you trouble yourself for. I don't want you and I can't have you and that's what hurts the most, because giving you away is bad for my ego, but keeping you is bad for my conscience, and sometimes priorities have to be set straight.

~*~

I don't remember drifting off to sleep, but when I open my eyes it is light. There is no sunlight streaming in through by window, but I don't mind. It is autumn after all, and it fits my mood perfectly. There is no darkness in me, but I'm not happy.

"Morning, baby."

He stands there, framed by the door, and looks at me indulgently. I assume he was watching me before I woke up. I feel I should be flattered, but I am not.

"Harry, don't." I say annoyed.

"Mh?" is the only reply I get. His expression is slightly confused, but still indulgent. His face betrays his feelings, as always. He is wondering why I don't get up to hug him. If I go to him now, it would only be to wipe that look off his face...

"I need to talk to you, so listen. I can't do this." I decide to stay as far away from his as possible, because it is probably best for both of us.

"What?" He is confused, and a little unsure. Not indulgent anymore. Good.

"You and me. I can't do this."

"Ginny?" Confusion, baffllement, outrage, insecurity, in his voice and on his face. I feel sorry for him, but can't help being glad that the indulgence is gone. It really was very annoying. Not the way my Harry was supposed to be.

"Yes." My brave attempt at being calm and reasonable.

"You know I love you." Yes, Harry. Yes, I know. How could I not, when it is written all over your face? I know you can't lie, because no matter what you say, you always say what you really mean, even if not in so many words. It is far too easy to read you.

"Yes. Don't worry about it." What a cruel thing to say. "You'll get over it. Keep your head up, don't throw your heart out, this is too fucked up."

And isn't it just? Don't worry Harry. You have survived so much, this is only another step along the road that is life. I am nothing special. You know it as well as me.

So keep dry, don't cry, savour our last goodbye.