Full Circle

Chapter 12 - A 'Sirius' Talk

The air was frigid in the middle of the forest on that late December night and Harry had first been hesitant when his godfather suggested they spend the evening there. After leaving Hogwarts, the duo had walked for over five hours (they would have flown, but that increased they chance that they would be seen) and now exhaustion was forcing them to stop and rest. Harry groaned at first - a nice warm bed at an Inn would have been preferred, but then he remembered that it was his fault that they couldn't apparate to a better destination. Despite been seventeen for almost five months, he had still not learned how.

Fortunately Sirius knew a spell that would create penetrable bubble, approximately ten feet in diameter, which had an interior temperature of a soothing twenty-one degrees Celsius. With his nap sack as a pillow, Harry had surprisingly no problem curling up and falling asleep. Sirius, on the other hand, was very restless. He tried first to lie on his back, staring up at the clear star filled sky. Then he curled up on his side, looking out into the darkness of the woods. All the while, thousands of thoughts bounced endlessly on the inside of his skull. Images of the last twenty four hours echoed within his tired mind as Sirius glanced over at Harry and suddenly wondered if this was the right thing to do.

He had been sitting in his guest chambers with a glass of firewhiskey in on hand and a cigarette in the other when Harry had burst in. After Sirius and Snape had levitated Hermione to the hospital ward, he had excused himself politely and went to hide in the safety of his bedroom. It had been the first time all day that he'd been able to just be alone with his thoughts. As the alcohol started loosening the grips on his senses, the memories started to flood back - piercing through the cloud of numbness.

It was Padfoot that had entered the Shrieking Shack that evening, wagging his tail in anticipation of a good romp with Moony. He had almost lost the ability to hold his anigamus form, when he saw Remus' body - now back in its human state - lying limply on the floor, blood drenching the shirt he had been wearing. Sirius' own body tensed instinctively when he saw the multi-murderer huddling in the corner with fresh scars carved into his face and arms.

The pathetic balding man quivered at the sight of the large black dog, for he knew full well who it was beneath the furry facade. The man who had been one of his closest friends in high school, who he would eventually betray and have him sent to prison in his place. It was Peter Pettigrew who had gotten James killed and had now successfully taken life from Remus too. Sirius knew that no matter what phrases he managed to stutter out in panic, that this night would be Peter's last. And as he sunk his razor teeth into his rubbery neck and the traitor's blood began to fill his mouth, Sirius felt he had no regrets.

But now he lay on the mildly thawing winter ground and watched his godson sleep. Harry had been livid when he arrived that evening, ranting and raving about how he'd been kept in the dark for the last few months. Why didn't anyone treat him like an adult? He was seventeen, only a few months of school before he became a full fledged wizard! He hadn't asked to come along and be a part of the Order last August - it was they who had to convince him that he was needed. But it was all a lie: an excuse to keep him hidden away so some big bad monster wouldn't get him in his sleep. Like lying low in a London flat was going to keep Voldemort away! Harry had yelled. This was the most powerful dark wizard of their time - if he wanted to find Harry, he would.

The whole time Harry spouted his frustrations, Sirius just continued to smoke his cigarette and watch him pace back and forth. The boy was right about their plan and he wasn't about to deny it. He just wished Harry would understand that they were trying to do what was best at the time - to fulfill the unspoken obligation of keeping James' son alive long enough to become an adult. Protecting Harry was not an insult to the young wizard's abilities, because Sirius was the first to admit the talents the boy possessed. Perhaps it was because of his gifts that his godfather felt even more determined to watch out for him.

"And then what happened with Peter and Remus..." Harry started argue but quickly fell silent when he caught Sirius' eye. The older man was no longer in the mood for Harry's angst and asked the boy to sit down. He responded obediently, sensing the pain in Sirius' voice.

"Listen, Harry. I'm sorry we lied to you. What else do you want me to say? We've had this same conversation half a dozen times and no matter what I, Dumbledore, McGonagall or any of your friends say to you, you never seem to understand." He stamped the dying cigarette out in his empty glass. "We don't do this to hurt you, Harry."

Sirius felt two bright green eyes turn away in embarrassment. After all of his yelling, Harry's anger seemed to fade and he started to realize how immature he had sounded. He collected his thoughts for a moment before speaking.

"I'm sorry, too, Sirius. I didn't mean to blow up at you - or Ron for that matter. It's just that I have a lot of concerns about this situation and I don't think anyone is taking me seriously."

With the mood in the room much more subdued, Sirius once again leaned back in his chair. "Well, I don't recall you expressing any concerns with me recently. You've been tight lipped ever since we left for London. I was going to ask, but I didn't want to seem like a nosey parent."

Harry laughed. "Yeah, because I've had so many adults prying into my personal business my whole life. Come on, Sirius."

"Well then, go ahead and start explaining yourself, young man!" Sirius replied with mock sternness.

His smiled briefly before switching the conversation to more somber matters. "I'm kind of worried about what Peter said to you....you know....before you killed him." Sirius surprised himself by cringing at the boy's words. "How he said he wanted to speak to Hermione...."

I've been thinking about that too, Harry. I'm sure not why he said that to me, but I doubt there can be a good explanation for it."

Harry sighed and leaned forward in his chair as if Sirius had just confirmed his worst fears. He glanced up at his godfather with a vulnerable face and asked, "Do you think he can see my thoughts?"

Sirius' mouth pressed into a straight line. "I thought you were supposed to be practicing your occulmency! You can't just leave your mind open for others to gain access to-"

"So you think I should have continued my lessons with Snape?" Harry's voice was thick with agitation.

"Listen, Harry. I don't like Snape any more than you do, but I think you should have at least continued to practice what he taught you. It is very important that you learn this..."

Harry stood up and walked over to the window to avoid looking Sirius in the eye. The sun was slowly sinking beneath the tree covered horizon, leaving a pinkish orange glow across the sky.

"I think about her all the time now. Ever since my birthday...."

Sirius watched him carefully. "I've been wondering about that. Did anything happen between the two of you that night?"

Harry's face colored and he quickly turned away. "No, no. Of course not. We were just talking and eventually fell asleep. It had been late at night." Sirius did not completely believe the boy's stammering, but let the topic rest as Harry continued. "But now she's everywhere. When I see something funny, I can't wait to share the story with her. When I'm afraid of things, I always imagine that she's there beside me. And when I'm confused, she's often the person I want to talk to....though not this time." His attention wandered as he said this.

"And then there are the dreams..." Harry paused, thinking.

Sirius stared at him. "I thought you had told me there were no more dreams!"

"Not ones with Voldemort....at least not in current times. There was one with Tom Riddle, years ago."

The older wizard didn't understand. "Years ago?"

"Yes," nodded Harry. "The dreams seem so real, like fragments of actual time. I've been trying to figure them out for quite awhile, but there are just no answers..." He sighed and sat down in the lounge chair across from Sirius. "And now he's after Hermione....the one thing that means more to me than anything." His expression was utterly defeated. "He knows my weaknesses."

Sirius reached out and patted Harry's shoulder. "Now, Harry. I know your friends are very important to you, but perhaps you're-"

"No, Sirius. This is not about my friends. Not Ron or Ginny. This is about just Hermione." He looked at his godfather fiercely. "Voldemort seems to know I love her and he wants to destroy that. He wants to tear me apart."

"Wait a minute. What?" Sirius wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

"I can't just sit here and wait for him to ruin everything. I need to find some answers - to find out what the hell these strange dreams mean. I honestly feel the solution to the puzzle will help me end this once and for all."

"What exactly do you think you'll be able to do, Harry? Find where Voldemort is hiding and attack him?"

Harry felt anger boil beneath his skin. "No, of course not, Sirius! That's just ridiculous. This isn't about strength and courage. Perhaps being brave is the core of what it means to be a Gryffindor, but as Hermione demonstrates every day - it's also about being smart and figuring things out. I need to leave Hogwarts - just for a little while - to see if I can unravel this web of confusion. I need to make sense out of all of this...not just for me, but for her. Something tells me her life depends on it."

"Harry, I don't think that's a good idea," Sirius said in a low voice, though he was not looking him in the eye when he spoke.

"In all honesty, Sirius, the decision whether or not this is a good idea is not yours to make. I'm touched by your concern, but I know in my heart that I have no other option. Now you can either try and stop me from leaving or you can come along and help me. Frankly I hope you'll choose the second one, but I could really use your guidance."

Sirius stared for a moment at his godson and could not help but acknowledge how much Harry had grown since they had first been reunited. While it was true that he was still small for his age and perhaps a bit too thin, one could not deny that he was on the brink of manhood. It was also obvious from his expression that he was deadly serious about his decision.

After a minute of silence, Harry sensed his godfather's conflict. Pulling out all the stops, he said "Come on, Padfoot. Are you in or are you out?"

And suddenly it was as if James himself was sitting across from Sirius: the dark disheveled hair, the playful grin - all taunting him to join in on an adventure. Of course, Sirius was never one to back out of an escapade.

"Alright Harry," he replied, succumbing to his memory. "Get your things quickly and pack only what you can carry on your back. If we're going to do this, we need to leave immediately before people can ask questions..."

Now, hours later, Sirius debated his decision. Perhaps it was safer for Harry to stay at Hogwarts, but to deny his godson the chance to find some answers about himself - no, this had to be done and he would help him find them.

He awoke when he heard the sound of the frightened owl flutter off into the moonlit night. Sirius had forgotten that he had changed into his animagus form before falling asleep - almost out of habit. In the years that he had spent running from the Ministry of Magic, posing as a wild dog was the only way he could safely travel. Quickly he changed back to his human self and walked over to where Harry was unwrapping the tightly bound package.

"Whose the present from?" he asked, startling Harry slightly. The boy leafed through the pages of the heavy textbook.

Looking up at Sirius, he replied "How can she possibly know about my dreams when I haven't even mentioned to her?"

Sirius sighed and made himself comfortable on a fallen log. "Sometimes two people just have a natural connection that can't be explained in normal terms. You can't really question it."

"Have you ever had this happen to you?" Harry asked, honestly.

"This? You mean love?" His godson nodded. "Yes. Once in my life, I feel I truly loved someone in that way."

Harry watched him wide-eyed. "Who?"

Sirius smiled. "Her name was Samantha Malkin. She was a Gryffindor and was the same year as us. Amazing girl, at least in my opinion." He closed his eyes as if to conjure up her image. "The most beautiful thing about her was the thick curly blond hair that fell halfway down her back. It was reckless and wild like a secret unbridled passion bottled up in otherwise ordinary girl. I remember her best class had been Care of Magical Creatures. She never left class with a single scratch on her, because all the animals - even the seemingly dangerous ones - seemed to flock to her patient touch. For years the only thing that managed to irritate that girl was me."

Harry laughed. "So you repelled girls as much as my father did?"

"Your father? Oh Harry, you don't even know that half of that story. Let's see...where should I begin? Well, when we first started at Hogwarts in the fall of 1970, your mother Lily was a tiny squirrelly looking girl, all bucked teeth and big eyed with her thick red hair always pulled back in a pony tail. But boy was she one smart witch - much like Hermione. She had top marks in all of her classes with her favorite being charms. For about four years she was very shy and spent most of her time hanging out with Ruthie Weasley-"

"Weasley?" Harry asked in surprise.

"Yes, Ruth Weasley was Arthur's youngest sister - making her one of Ron's aunts. Red haired, just like the rest, but more carrot colored as opposed to Lily's auburn. Arthur had been the oldest, and then there had been Gretchen, Samuel, Charles and Ruth. Ron's brother Charlie was actually named after his uncle who had passed away right before he was born. A real tragedy that was.

"Wait a minute! What happened?"

"I don't know the exact story. I believe Charles had been about fourteen at the time Molly was pregnant with her second child - probably around 1968. For some reason, he was London at the time and had somehow managed to get hit by a car in the city. Before any of his family had discovered where he'd gone, a Muggle ambulance had picked him up and taken him to a local hospital where he ended up dying from internal bleeding. There wasn't much they could do for the boy. In memory of his brother, Arthur named Charlie after him. But the shock it put Molly in - it took her five years before she agreed to have any more children. She was honestly afraid of having such a terrible accident happen to her own kids."

Harry nodded. "At least that explains the big age gap between Charlie and Percy."

"And to this day she despises Muggle medicine. She thinks that was what killed Charles - not the car. She swears if the wizarding community had found him first, he'd still be alive today."

"And that's why she was so upset with Mr. Weasley getting those stitches a few years ago!"

"Precisely. Well, anyway...you can only imagine how Ruth was. She was always a bit skittish and a little odd...but overall a nice girl." Harry was reminded of Luna Lovegood from Ravenclaw. "And Lily and Ruth were good friends all during school. There were two other girls in our year - Samantha Malkin whom I just described and Emerald Donovan. She had been at the root of the problems between your parents when we were in school."

"Who was she?" Harry was excited to learn so much about his mum and dad in one evening.

"A tall, dark haired, tan skinned Gryffindor Chaser. Absolutely beautiful and entirely unattainable. You see Lily had a secret crush on James for about three years. When we came back to school after summer vacation, James gets the opportunity to play for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. He instantly goes from your average goofball to being a jock in a matter of months. And while he'd never noticed your mother, he suddenly started drooling over Emerald.

Now James was good at Quidditch - something that obviously flows through family blood - and with great talent often comes cockiness. The two of us became not only troublemakers, but also big showoffs. We were so obnoxious sometimes, I wonder how Remus and Peter could stand being our friends. Very quickly, Lily was repulsed by James' behavior, which was unfortunate him because she was starting to outgrow her awkwardness and become very pretty.

In the middle of fifth year, when your father finally worked up the courage to ask the illustrious Emerald Donovan on a date, she practically laughed in his face. He might have been a great athlete, but he was still little James Potter. It turns out she had a thing for the truly mysterious guys...more like me...for example."

"Oh, I see." Harry responded. "So everyone was falling for the wrong person..."

"Exactly. And since I really liked Samantha who wouldn't give me the time of day...it was quite stupid actually. So after having his heart stomped on, James starts to notice Lily, but by then it is way too late. She wants nothing to do with someone like him. She was more in favor of the quiet romantic types: the ones who sat under the trees and wrote poetry. So during sixth year, she went out with Remus - who had probably been pining after her since she stood up for him during a fight our first year. Some Slytherins had been mocking him about his shabby clothes. She stomps up in a fury and hexes the boys - making Lily and Remus friends long before the rest of the Maruaders really knew her.

"Wait, Remus used my mom's boyfriend??" Harry croaked. "He never told me that."

"He never liked to talk about it too much. I think it really hurt when they finally broke up and she started dating James." Sirius felt his throat burned slightly. To think of his deceased friends this way made the current situation seem so unreal. "Remus never bothered to put up a fight - he knew there was no use holding on to her if she was honestly in love with someone else. He never hated James for it, but still couldn't force himself to go to their wedding. Didn't you ever wonder why Remus was never asked to be the secret keeper? It was because of his falling out with James."

Harry just sat in silence. He didn't even know how to comprehend all of the information he had just absorbed. It was often difficult to imagine his parents at all, but to see how their lives were entangled with those of people knew...to envision his mum and dad as Hogwarts students with the same sort of teenaged problems he, Ron, Hermione and Ginny faced....it was just too weird.

"Well, it's getting kind of late," Sirius said, breaking the quietness. "We're going to have a large amount of traveling to do tomorrow. Better get some rest." Neither of them had decided what exactly they were going to do or where they were going to go once they got out of the forest. The two wizards stretched out on their backs and stared up at the sky, once again alone with their thoughts, each hoping to get some sleep before dawn broke.