Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 27: Doubts and Breakthroughs

Saturday night, Severus constantly patrolled the dungeon corridors. Around midnight, he heard a crashing noise at the far end of the corridor. He arrived at the foot of the stairs to find a heap of black robes, struggling to sit up.

"Goyle, you stupid git," whispered the unmistakable voice of Draco Malfoy, "can't you even walk up the bloody stairs without--"

"Getting us caught?" Severus supplied coldly as he towered over the three students. Three sets of eyes blinked up at him in shock. "While I am sure that there is a highly logical explanation as to why the three of you are roaming the corridors after hours, I am even more certain that I have no desire to listen to it."

Malfoy was the first to recover. He stood up, brushing off his robes and rubbing his elbow. "We were just out for a walk, Professor."

The lie was so obvious that Legilimency wasn't required to uncover it. "A very likely tale, Draco. The three of you will return immediately to your dormitory. And if I catch you out in the corridor a second time, you will be disemboweling toads, sorting flobberworms without gloves, and pickling rat brains from now until the end of the term. Have I made myself clear?"

After a grumbled chorus of "yes, sir," Severus marched them, scraped and bruised, back to the common room. He sincerely hoped that the Dark Lord would never entrust the boy with anything important. Unless Malfoy opted to find more capable friends to assist him with such a task, Severus was positive he would be the one who would have to finish it.

Finally, at around three in the morning, he headed back to his quarters. Carelessly throwing his clothing into a heap on the floor, he pulled his nightshirt on and fell into bed. He tossed and turned for more than an hour, unable to fall asleep in spite of how tired he was. It took him a while to realize that he had become so accustomed to Callista sleeping next to him that he was not able to sleep well without her. For a brief moment, he thought about Flooing up to her room and slipping quietly into her bed. What if Callista was also lying wide awake in her bed missing him? Wouldn't he be doing her a favor by going to her?

He flopped over onto his back and glared at the green drapes over his bed, annoyed with himself for becoming so dependent on her. For the longest time, he had only relied on himself, and the thought that he needed another person for something as essential as a decent night's sleep was more than a bit disconcerting. No matter how gratifying their relationship had become, he knew that such a dependency would bring about either his downfall or hers. No doubt the Dark Lord would be able to sense how important she had become to him. If he did, neither of them would be safe. Keeping her out of harm's way must remain his top priority. He was beginning to feel that his love for her was making him weak and vulnerable, two things he could not afford to become.

Just go to her, part of his brain urged. That's what you really want to do. Just go straight to her room, crawl into her bed and...

No! he thought, rolling to his other side. What was wrong with him? She would most likely be happy to see him. Isn't she always? Unless there has been a feminine inconvenience, she has never turned me away. No matter what I have asked her to do, she has never said no. I could probably have asked her to take Polyjuice Potion so that she would have looked like Lily, and she would have done it. I have had so many opportunities to just use her for the sheer pleasure of it and...

Could that be what he was doing without even realizing it? Had he just been using her to replace Lily? Callista had come into his life when he was still hurting from that loss. Had he been using Callista then? Callista had been so young and innocent, and she had trusted in him completely. She had given up her family for him...

Stop it! He turned onto his stomach, trying to get comfortable. Squeezing his eyes closed, he attempted to make himself go to sleep. But his mind flashed with jumbled images of Callista gradually changing into Lily, James Potter kissing Lily after the Quidditch match, and Potter's son kissing the Weasley girl. Up until now he hadn't realized that Miss Weasley looked reasonably similar to Lily.

Cursing as he threw off the thick bedding, Severus stalked over to his wardrobe and reached for the bottle of firewhisky. He stared at the amber liquid glowing seductively in the elegant bottle. He was ready to uncap it when he changed his mind. All he wanted to do was sleep and not dream. He returned it to the shelf. Dreamless Sleep was what he really needed; he had bottled some only a few days ago. He strode into his workroom and removed the bottle from the cabinet. Without bothering to measure it properly, he downed a hefty portion and returned to bed. It was Sunday; he could sleep as long as he needed to today....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Severus felt someone shaking him. He winced as he opened his eyes to the relative brightness of the room. Callista was sitting on the edge of the bed, her forehead creased with concern.

"I was getting worried about you," she said. He clutched his head as it gave a mighty throb at the sound of her voice. "No one had seen you all day, and none of the house-elves had been asked to deliver a tray to your room. I was afraid you had been summoned."

"Lower your voice, Callista, before my head explodes," he said, sitting up carefully.

"You haven't been drinking, have you?" she asked in an accusatory tone.

What the bloody hell gave her that idea? He gritted his teeth. "No."

"Then--"

"If I thought it was your concern, I would have told you," he snapped, his head throbbing all the harder.

Callista's face darkened in indignation. "Look, Severus, I understand that you're disappointed about Slytherin losing the Quidditch Cup, but that doesn't give you the right to take it out on me! If you aren't up to having company yet, just say so."

Glaring at her was too much of an effort. He sat silently, rubbing his aching temples. Instead of relieving the discomfort, it only made it worse. As the pain in his head increased, he felt his stomach begin to tighten. Breathing deeply to try to control the nausea, Severus glanced at Callista. She was still seated on his bed with her arms crossed over her chest. Anger and sympathy were fighting for control of her facial expressions.

"Is there anything you will allow me to do for you, Severus?" she asked stiffly. "Or should I just leave and allow you to be sick in peace?"

He had earned her wrath, and now he was at her mercy. He swallowed hard, thankful that he hadn't had anything to eat since the prior evening. He whispered through clenched teeth, "I need a small amount of Invigorating Draught to counteract the Dreamless Sleep I took this morning."

Without a word, she left the room. She was gone for a fairly long time, and he couldn't figure out what was keeping her. She knew how he arranged the completed potions in his storage cupboard. He was trying to decide if it was worth getting out of bed to see what was keeping her when the fire flared green. Callista stepped out of the fireplace with the requested potion. She measured it out, handed it to him, and he unceremoniously downed it. Still not saying anything to him, Callista handed him a smaller vial. He looked at it questioningly before sniffing the pale honey-colored liquid inside. The spicy scent of ginger greeted his nose. He sipped it carefully, letting it trickle down his throat to warm his cramped stomach. He noticed that slowly his headache began to subside as well. He exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Would you care for something to eat?" she asked gently. He moved to get up from the bed, but she stopped him. "I'll bring it to you."

He ate slowly and carefully to avoid a relapse with his digestive system. Callista sat on her side of the bed, leaning against the headboard, engrossed in a book. She didn't say anything until he had finished eating.

"How much Dreamless Sleep did you take?" she asked, without looking up from the page.

"Not a fatal amount if that's what you are hinting at. You know full well that one can develop a severe headache if one is unfortunate enough to be woken up before the potion wears off." He was doing his best to keep his tone civil. "I took it at about five o'clock this morning, and it takes the potion about five hours to pass through the system."

"Severus, it's nearly four in the afternoon." His fork clattered onto the plate in surprise. Callista snapped her book shut and sent the bed tray over to the table with a flick of her wand. "Now, are you going to tell me what is bothering you, or do I need to pry the information out of your mind?"

He stood up, stretched and stalked off to the bathroom without saying anything to her. What could he say to her that wouldn't get his privates hexed to oblivion? He washed his hands and splashed water onto his face. A glance into the small mirror Callista had insisted upon hanging over the washbasin convinced him to drag a comb through his hair. How did an ugly git tell a beautiful woman that he realized that he was only using her?

And what if you aren't? part of his brain argued. Are you willing to risk throwing away such an amazingly wonderful part of your life for nothing? Chances are you are merely confused from constantly switching back and forth between loyalties. That could happen to anyone.

That was a possibility that he had never considered before. It was entirely possible that his Death Eater persona that despised her was not being as completely shed as he had thought it was. Could this cause him to doubt what his true emotions were? Even if he had been using her then, he certainly wasn't using her now. How he felt when he was with her was not something that could be fabricated with Occlumency. Why couldn't he just accept his relationship with her?

Severus started to head back to the bedroom, pausing for a moment at the doorway. Callista was still sitting on his bed, her head resting on her drawn-up knees. He studied her quietly for a moment before clearing his throat. She turned her head to look up at him. The clear blue-green of her eyes held a bit of sadness laced with frustration as she watched him. He felt her eyes searching his. How could he be using her? A woman like that would know if she was being used and would not permit it.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked simply, as he crossed the room to join her on the bed.

"Yes, I appreciate the other potion."

Callista merely shrugged. After a while, she reached out to rest her hand on his knee. He stared down at it, enjoying the contact. He decided it would be best to let her know that they had been discovered. "McGonagall knows about us."

"I know," she said simply. His eyes flashed in annoyance, but Callista met them without hesitation. "I didn't say anything to her. She approached me earlier today after you missed lunch. I think she was worried about you, Severus. Anyway, she gave me that look. You know, the one she gives students to hint that they should just confess to any wrongdoing because she already knows what they did. It was a bit of a relief really; I'm getting tired of all of this sneaking around."

"We need to keep our relationship private," he said, a touch of anger in his voice.

"Severus, haven't we been over that enough? I know what we need to do and why. Can't we just leave it at that?" She reached out to take his hands, the faintest traces of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "I do have some good news."

"They found Potter's body at the bottom of the lake?"

"Very funny," she said. "Something much better. The potion is stable; I think it just may work."

"When did this happen?"

"This morning when Neville came to help out. He added Phoenix tears to it until it stopped steaming. When he went to remove it from the flame, he burned himself rather badly on the cauldron." Severus snorted in mock disbelief, as Callista continued. "Anyway, some of the potion splashed out and healed the burn almost immediately. Even if it doesn't stabilize someone with a life-threatening injury, it will heal minor to moderate ones. So at this stage, it isn't a total loss. But I want to be sure that it can save a victim from a potentially fatal injury. The only problem is finding someone, or something, near death to test it on."

For a fleeting moment, he considered volunteering Potter or Malfoy but decided against it. They had done it, or at least they were on the right track. All that they needed was a test subject to be sure that the potion would work.

"This is definitely news worth celebrating," he said.

"Remember, we have a wager to settle, as well." With a light laugh and a swirl and flick of her wand, Callista touched the gray nightshirt he was wearing. A red blotch appeared on it and slowly spread until all of the fabric was a bold, Gryffindor-ish shade of crimson. Severus glared down at it, looking very much unamused. Callista noticed his reaction and said quickly, "Severus, red really is a dreadful color on you. It washes you out completely. You can take it off."

He quickly yanked it up and over his head, more to be rid of the offensive color than any desire to be naked in the chilly dungeon. Behind him the fire flared brightly, warming the room. Callista looked at him with a predatory gleam in her eyes. He cupped the back of her head, kissing her long and hard. When they eased apart, he whispered, "Now, how do you want me to pay back this debt?"

"Undress me... slowly," she whispered back to him.

He did as she asked, making it feel more like he was unwrapping a gift. Looking down at her, Severus drew in a sharp breath. What he saw reflected in her eyes made him realize that she was a gift. No matter what he did or said, she was willing to accept him. She tolerated his sarcasm, ignored his vile disposition, and overlooked his unattractiveness. She loved him in spite of himself.

"Wait." Callista tapped the bed hangings with her wand, changing them from green to red. Severus blinked at them in surprise. Callista pulled him to her, whispering, "Can you honestly tell me you never fantasized about being with me in the dorm?"

Doing his best ignore the vulgar scarlet drapes, Severus turned his attention back to Callista. He pressed his lips to the sensitive spot on the side of her neck. At the back of his mind, an unwanted memory was clawing its way to the surface. She wasn't the only Gryffindor he had ever wanted.

Young Severus snapped his Defense Against the Dark Arts book shut. He should try and get some sleep before his OWL tomorrow. He was getting ready to change into his night clothes when his dorm mates trooped nosily into the room. Rosier was bragging loudly about his latest snog session with some unfortunate sixth year girl. If Rosier spent half as much time studying as he did snogging in abandoned classrooms, he would be Head Boy material. Severus did his best to ignore them as his climbed into bed and closed the drapes around himself. He glared at the hangings. He was sixteen, and he had only ever been kissed by his mother. As for anything else, he had to take matters into his own hands, so to speak.

Well, Lily Evans had kissed him on the cheek at Christmas, an event that his hormone-infused brain elaborated on for weeks. She was the closest thing he had to a girlfriend, but they had to keep their friendship hidden in public. He had to get some experience somehow. Maybe Lily would if he asked her. She was pretty and didn't seem to mind that he wasn't good-looking. He liked her a lot, but he would have to think long and hard before trying to make it into something more. Their long-standing friendship was too important for him to risk, unless he was absolutely, positively certain she felt the same way. Casting an Imperturbable Charm around his bed, Severus settled into what had become his favorite fantasy: adoring green eyes, sparkling up at him and thick red hair, cascading over--

With a gasp, Severus jerked over onto his side, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes, trying to block out the image.

Callista's worried voice rang in his head. "Severus, what happened? Is the headache back?"

He rolled away from her, cursing under his breath. He was using her! Everything he had felt for her was a lie. It was obvious now that he wasn't over Lily; he never had been. Callista was no different than the Squib prostitutes in Knockturn Alley after all. She had actually allowed herself to care about him not once, but twice. And how did he repay her? He used her.

"Severus?" He could feel her hand on his shoulder. "Severus, please talk to me."

"Just leave, Callista," he heard himself saying.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened," she said quietly but firmly. "You're either going to talk to me, or I'm going to have Poppy come down here and check on you."

He kept his back to her, hoping if he ignored her long enough she would get disgusted with him and leave. Instead, Callista stayed right where she was, determined to wait him out. Her tenacity was frustrating sometimes. She was not someone that would easily back away from an argument. Perhaps if he told her the truth she would leave.

"I have been using you," he snapped. The harsh words were sure to drive her away.

"No, you haven't; I would have known if you were," she replied after a long, oppressive pause. There was pain in her voice, as if she were trying to disregard something that she was sensing too. When he turned to face her with a doubtful expression, she continued, "If you were, Severus, you wouldn't have felt guilty enough to stop like you did; you would have just continued. If I meant nothing to you, you wouldn't let me just sleep in your bed night after night." Callista reached out to stroke the side of his face. "I know what I see when I look into your eyes. That kind of emotion can't be created by Occlumency; it's impossible. Every time you look at me it's there. Severus, what you're feeling is real. Do you honestly think I would have stayed with you if you had ever given me the slightest indication that you didn't love me?"

"What do you see in me?" he demanded. "What attracted you to me in the first place."

Callista drew the sheet up to cover herself. "You were the first person to appreciate me for the adult that I had become. Never once did you treat me like a child. You never favored me simply because I was related to the headmaster; I had to earn your respect. You spoke to me like I was an equal."

"You do realize that was part of the Dark Lord's plan? I was given instructions to befriend you, to seduce you if need be. My objective was to do everything possible to gain your confidence."

Callista nodded and asked, "But all of that changed, didn't it? Somehow you deviated from the plan and began thinking for yourself."

How could he make her understand? "It was never my intention to become attached to you. I had other goals... "

"Saving Lily's life?"

"She should have been mine. She would have been mine if it wasn't for Potter."

Callista's voice was the barest whisper. "But you somehow managed to fall in love with me."

"Did it ever occur to you that you became a substitute for her? That every time I was with you, I was thinking about her?" He had an inexplicable need to hurt her, to drive her away.

"Were you? Have you been?" There was immeasurable pain in her voice.

He wanted to tell her it was true. If she hated him, he could wrap himself up in his self-pity, guilt and anger, and be left alone in his misery. But that was impossible. "No."

"Then why would you suddenly start thinking about-- " Callista broke off without saying the name. "Have you been thinking about her a lot lately?"

The look on her face suggested an evasive answer was not the best way to deal with the issue. "Fleetingly, but I was always able to dismiss it."

"Yet after yesterday's game, you starting dwelling on the idea?"

"Yes."

"You were disgusted with the outcome. Then at the end you just sort of stared at... " She trailed off, squeezing her eyes closed as she concentrated on the end of the Quidditch game. Suddenly she opened them, whispering, "Harry and Ginny."

"I don't give a damn about the juvenile romances in Gryffindor!" Even as the words burst out of his mouth, Severus couldn't deny that the sight of them had tapped into the memory.

"Severus, even I noticed that she resembles Lily. Maybe the hair isn't quite dark enough, and her eyes are blue. Merlin knows that Harry is the spitting image of James. Seeing them must have reminded you of an old, long-buried hurt." She paused for a moment. "Occlumency forces you to hide or disguise any thoughts and feelings that would hint that you're not a true Death Eater, sometimes before you have an opportunity to deal with them. This may have been one of those memories. You certainly couldn't have let him know you harbored feelings for a Muggle-born, could you? When did you take the Mark?"

"The night I left Hogwarts." He had been so angry; he had wanted to make Potter pay for stealing Lily from him. "I wanted to hate her for choosing Potter over me, but I couldn't. She had been my friend, my only real friend. When I took word of the prophecy back to the Dark Lord, I was looking for a way to gain favor with him. I didn't give a damn who was hurt in the process. Then I discovered that Lily's child was a possible match for the prophecy, and I knew she would be killed for opposing him again. I couldn't let her die; I had to do something. Never once did I ever think about saving Potter or his son, but I couldn't let her die. She shouldn't have to pay the price for my stupidity, but in the end it made no difference. In the end, she chose to give her life for Potter's child. She died anyway... and it was my fault."

Callista was silent for so long that Severus was certain that she was deciding to leave. Instead she took his hand. "She will always be important to you; I can accept that. But you have to let one of us go, Severus. I can't compete against a memory. "

She was right of course; one could never quite match up to a memory no matter how hard they tried. Lily had never been his, but Callista had chosen him twice. She wanted to be with him and only him. With her, there was no need to ever be alone again, and he was tired of being alone. Because of her, he had a real reason to live, something beyond his usefulness to the Order. Callista was real and alive, and she was his. She always had been and always would be if he allowed her to be. He looked down at her hand in his. He brushed a stray wave of hair from her face with his free hand. Severus didn't want to let her go.

"I... " He couldn't say it. He felt it, but the words just wouldn't leave his lips. He let the love he felt for her--and the regret at not being able to express it in words--come to the surface of his mind. It was reflected in his eyes where she could see it plainly.

"I know," she said, wrapping her arms around him. "You don't have to say it, just show me."

Severus settled her back in the bed, hands and lips conveying his feelings. More than anything else in the world, he wanted her to feel how much he wanted her in his life. Callista's desires shone in her eyes. They both cried out as he claimed her, reveling in the intimacy. When they finished, he held her to him, and neither of them spoke. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. For now, it was just the two of them.