Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 25: Deceptions and Desires

Severus awoke late on Sunday morning to an empty bed. He sat up and blearily looked around Callista's room. Callista was nowhere to be seen. He fell back heavily against the pillow and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. It wasn't uncommon for her to be up and about long before he was. She was also considerate enough to let him sleep, and, since they had moved to her quarters for the remainder of the break, leave the drapes pulled across the windows. Usually, however, she would be sitting in a chair, reading or knitting, or else she would be in the bathroom, showering. The latter often made for an exceptionally gratifying morning. Today, however, he didn't see her in the room or hear the telltale running of the shower.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table; it was nearly noon. No wonder she wasn't in the room. Forcing himself out of the bed, he made a much-needed trip to the bathroom, which was empty. She had mentioned going to check on the unicorn herd this week. Surely she wouldn't have gone into the Forbidden Forest without him? He went back to the bedroom to dress, growing more concerned about her absence. He was getting ready to check her office when Winky came into the room, carrying a tray.

"Winky, is Mistress Callista in the Great Hall?" he asked, as she set the tray on the table near the window.

The house-elf looked up at him with her huge eyes. "Winky has not been seeing Mistress there, Professor Snape, sir."

"Did she go into the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid?"

"No, Professor Snape, sir." Winky began to tremble, realizing that she was not giving him the answers he wanted.

Severus swore under his breath and grabbed the change of clothing that was laid out for him on the bench at the end of the bed. He was getting ready to undress when the door opened and Callista entered the room. As if sensing the upcoming explosion, Winky retreated from the room.

"Where have you been?" he demanded, trying to cover up how concerned he had been.

"Didn't you get my note?"

"What?"

"I left you a note, letting you know where I was. It was right here on the... " Callista picked up a slip of parchment from the floor and handed it to him. "It must have fallen off the bed."

He glared down at her neatly looping handwriting. He looked at her with one eyebrow raised mockingly. "You didn't actually go to Mass, did you?"

"Of course I did. It is Easter Sunday, Severus," she said, as if daring him to say something. "I would have asked you to join me, but there was no budging you this morning. Have you eaten yet?"

He shook his head, finally noticing the enticing smells that were wafting from the tray on the table. Severus quickly changed while Callista readied the table for him. The two of them shared a quiet meal, talking about unimportant things. Callista kept glancing at him as if there was something she wanted to tell him, but she couldn't find words to do so. She finally sighed and laid her napkin down beside her plate.

"Severus, there is something I've been meaning to tell you. It's about my errands in London." She looked up from the cup she had been holding in her hand.

He searched her face, looking for some hint of what she was about to reveal. All he was able to encounter was a deep feeling of hesitation. Whatever she was about to say; he wasn't going to be happy to hear it. Nodding, Severus pressed her. "Go on, then. Where have you been?"

Callista continued, trying to sound nonchalant. "Well... apparently, my uncle decided that it was in my best interest to inform... certain people that I was still alive, and teaching here at Hogwarts."

He doubted that they were family members. Her parents had cut her off from the family when they learned about her involvement with him, and two of her three brothers were now dead. Her friends were all married and had children of their own. Surely there would be no reason to conceal renewed female friendships. That only left one person...

"Dear God, you haven't been seeing that berk, Allen Buxley, behind my back have you?" His voice was dripping with accusation.

"I most certainly have not! How could you even think such a thing?" Callista asked, a look of indignation flashing in her eyes. "After everything that we had, and what we have now, do you honestly think that I would do that to you?"

Not willing to admit that he was in the wrong, he didn't soften his tone when he asked, "Then whom have you been meeting in London?"

"My mother," she said simply. "Ever since my father died five years ago, she couldn't bear staying in the house. She's been living with my brother, Conleth, and his wife and children."

"I thought," he began with a slight sneer, "that your family wanted nothing to do with you." Because of me.

Callista reached out to take his hands. "My mother had no choice, Severus. The decision was my father's; she had to abide by it. Mum would have accepted you... in time."

He sat stiffly, staring down at their clasped hands. Her mother was an incredibly kind person, gracious and accepting. The one time he had spoken to her, she had treated him more warmly than he had ever expected.

Severus walked around the outside edge of the room, feeling completely out of place. Callista's family was one of those old, wealthy wizarding families. While he appreciated being invited to celebrate Callista's completion of school with family and friends, his discomfort was enough to ruin any enjoyment. That, and he knew her father really didn't want him there. He hated that he couldn't openly be with Callista in front of all of these people without them questioning why her professor was so attentive. So he watched her from a safe distance, wondering how soon he could leave.

"You must be Professor Snape," a very elegant-looking witch said, extending her hand to him. He took her hand lightly in his. "Callista has told us so much about you."

He nodded politely to her, finding his voice at last and wondering what exactly Callista had said. "Yes, I am. It is a pleasure to meet you, Mistress Hawkins."

"I am very grateful for everything that you have done for my daughter." Callista's mother smiled at him, the same warm smile that Callista had always given him. Severus like Callista's mother almost instantly. "She was devastated by Professor Blackburn's death. You taking her under your wing was a very generous thing to do, being so recently out of school yourself."

"She is a brilliant Potions student. It was a pleasure to work with her." Severus felt his stomach twist guiltily as he thought of what her reaction would be if she knew that he had been teaching Callista some far more intimate lessons.

"Callista is very serious about becoming a Healer. Her father wanted her to become an Auror, but I thought that such a job was too dangerous for her. I would have liked for her to marry shortly after school, but she hasn't mentioned anyone since she stopped courting with Allen Buxley." The woman looked at him for a moment before nodding at a slim young man who was chatting with Callista. "Young Barty Crouch has taken an interest in her. Do you remember him from school?"

Barty had been two years behind Severus, and had taken the Mark the day after he left Hogwarts. Severus was sure that her parents would definitely NOT approve of what Barty was doing with his life. The thought of them encouraging Barty made him feel ill. If Barty so much as tried to touch her... No, the Dark Lord would not allow Barty near her as long as Callista was Severus's assignment. He needed to find a way to keep getting semi-useful information from her about her father.

"Did you tell her about me?" he asked, suddenly and unexpectedly concerned for the older woman's safety.

"Beyond the fact that you're still teaching here? No."

Severus relaxed slightly. "The less she knows, the safer she is."

Callista looked up at him, nodding in understanding. "She did ask about you. At least, she asked if I was still in love with you."

He looked at her sharply, gripping he hands tightly. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her I didn't want to talk about it," Callista answered quietly. "I told her that it was too painful to even think about. She didn't force the subject."

"As long as she knows nothing, she will be safe, Callista," he reminded her.

Callista nodded and glanced at the window. Upon her return, she had pulled the drapes back, and the room was bathed in warm sunlight. She cleared her throat. "Should we go and check on the unicorn herd, Severus?"

"I'll meet you in the clearing that is used as an Apparation point." He gave her a lingering kiss and seriously considered the possibility of convincing her to postpone their journey into the Forbidden Forest. However, a sense of duty prevailed, and he reluctantly pulled away.

He Flooed to his office and collected a few items from his workroom. While they were in the forest, he would have the opportunity to check for some herbal ingredients. He made a mental list of some things that would be available this early in the spring and loaded several collection jars into a worn, leather pack. Almost as an afterthought, he decided to take his traveling cloak.

It wasn't until Severus was stepping into the sun-dappled clearing that he caught up with Callista. She was standing there, waiting for him, with a large pail in one hand and her wand in the other. Her expression relaxed considerably at the sight of him.

"It's a bit early in the spring for foals, so I doubt we'll need this," she said, indicating the pail. "However, it's best to be prepared. Hagrid wanted to come with me; he didn't want me coming in here by myself."

"Hagrid takes his position as gamekeeper a bit too seriously. How did you manage to convince him that you would be fine by yourself?" Severus asked, his forehead creasing slightly.

Callista started off on a narrow, leaf-strewn path. "It wasn't easy. But I promised to send up red sparks if I ran into any problems."

They trudged deeper and deeper into the Forbidden Forest. The path soon became lost in the tangle of tree roots and dead leaves. More than once Callista used the Point Me spell to be sure of which direction they were heading. The dense growth of trees blocked out a considerable amount of sunlight, in spite of their leafless condition. And even though it was still relatively early in the afternoon, Severus and Callista found themselves in an eerie twilight. They both became aware of the increasingly oppressive silence: no breezes were stirring the treetops, and no birds were to be heard.

"This place," her whisper was startlingly loud, "is even creepy in the daytime."

"Do you wish to go back?" The question sounded more like a challenge.

"No, but I definitely miss Hagrid and his crossbow." There was a slight quiver in her tone. A sudden noise sounded off to their right, causing Callista to involuntarily jump. "What was that?'

They raised their wands and took a few steps in the direction of the noise. Several yards away were two unicorn stallions, the brilliant white of their coats gleaming against the shadows. The two creatures were pawing at the ground, prancing in a tight circle. In turn they reared and tried to force each other to back away with menacing thrusts of their single long horns.

"Isn't it early in the season for that type of behavior?" Callista asked, watching the sparring match in fascination.

Severus shrugged, every bit as confused as she was, but he was unwilling to admit his lack of knowledge. "Perhaps they are just practicing. They look rather young."

"Look!" Callista whispered excitedly, grabbing onto his arm and pointing to a clump of bushes near the stallions. A third unicorn had appeared. "She must be a very young mare. Her horn is shorter than normal, and she still has just a few streaks of silver in her mane."

One of the stallions emitted an defeated shriek before he cantered away into the depths of the gloom. Now the remaining male turned to claim his prize. Severus felt Callista holding her breath as she pressed against him. He slid his left arm around her, pulling her closer. They watched the scene in front of them unfold with rapt fascination.

The stallion was nuzzling the mare along the side of her neck, inhaling the scent of her. The mare allowed his attentions and began returning them. The only sounds that could be heard were the increasingly excited snorts of the unicorns and the progressively more ragged breathing of the two humans watching them. With a triumphant whinny, the young stallion moved behind the mare and mounted her. The silence was shattered by the sound of their union. Moments later the stallion slid to all fours, head hanging in exhaustion.

Severus became aware of the tension radiating off of the woman in his arms. Breath coming in staccato gasps, blood pounding in his ears, heart racing, he felt a peculiar connection to what he had just witnessed. To his knowledge, no one had ever seen unicorns mate before. The experience left him both mystified and aroused. He could tell by the way Callista was clinging to him that she was mirroring his sentiments.

A sudden primal urge took over his senses. He turned her so that she was facing him, and looked down at her flushed face and shining eyes. The welcoming pressure of her body against his became unbearable as he felt himself straining at the confines of his trousers. He crushed his lips to hers, and they sank to the ground, fumbling with each other's clothing.

"Severus," Callista gasped, her fingers tangled in his hair. "We can't. Not here."

With an effort, he broke away from her and lay panting on forest floor. Callista was beside him, trying to slow her own breathing. What had he been thinking? This was no place to be vulnerable. They would have been completely defenseless. The thought of what could have potentially gone wrong was enough to quell his desire. He sat up, angry with himself for putting them at risk, and began brushing dirt and bits of dead foliage from his clothing.

"I'm sorry. It's just too dangerous out here," Callista whispered breathlessly. "If anything decided to attack us... "

He quickly glanced at her, realizing that she thought his anger was being directed at her. "We would be dead."

A dreamy look drifted across her face. "Watching them was like... "

"Being under a spell?" he said, finishing her sentence; Callista nodded. He stood up and helped her to her feet. "Once we get back to the castle, we will finish what we started."

"We will. I promise you that." Callista's eyes lowered to the still-noticeable bulge below his waist. She carefully closed the front of her shirt. "I want another child with you, Severus."

What brought that on? he wondered in surprise. He took hold of her shoulders. "Callista, do you have any idea how insanely foolish that would be? You would never be able to keep that hidden."

"No one would have to know you fathered the child."

"Who would you say the father was?" he demanded. "Lupin? George Weasley? You would have to be with them for that to be plausible, and I will not share you with another man."

"You wouldn't have to. I'm not saying now, just... some day," Callista said, trying to placate him. "I want you to be able to claim our child as your own. We can't hide forever, Severus. Sooner or later, people are going to discover what's between us."

"Are you prepared for their reactions?" he asked, pulling a twig from her hair. Everyone in the Order would be disgusted, of course. Possibly Lupin and McGonagall would be supportive. Moody would most likely try to convince her to change her mind.

Callista sighed. "I like to think I am." She turned toward the spot where the unicorns had been. "I'm going to check to see if they left any hairs behind in the brush."

He watched her as she inspected the surrounding brush, picking up the occasional long white hairs that where left clinging to the branches. She waved to him, indicating the faint trail that the unicorns had followed. Before he could tell her to wait, Callista walked out of sight. Shaking his head in frustration at her lack of patience, he picked up his pack and cloak from the spot where he had dropped them.

She wanted another child. The idea made him question how far she would go to achieve her goal. Even though he highly doubted that she would stoop so low, he couldn't help but wonder if she would try to conceive without his consent. If she did, would she just disappear from his life again? No, she had made it apparent that she wanted him to be able to claim their child this time. She wanted them to live openly as a family. Now that her desires were out in the open, Severus was uncertain that she could resist the temptation. He would have to scour potions and spell books to see if there were any countermeasures that he could take. He couldn't risk them having a child, not now.

A shrill scream of terror rang in his ears. Drawing his wand, Severus crashed through the underbrush toward the sound of the scream. His heart lodged in his throat as the thought that he was too late burst into his mind. He stumbled into another small clearing and found Callista pressed against a tree, wide-eyed and paralyzed with fear.

Looming on the path before them was a huge Acromantula. Severus sent two stunning spells at it before he realized that it wasn't moving. The huge beast was already dead; several arrows were sticking out of its bulky, hairy body. Upon closer inspection, he deduced that the overgrown arachnid had probably run across some centaurs. Its limbs were still flexible; it hadn't been dead for very long.

"It's dead," he informed her, pulling a collection jar from his bag and enlarging it. He wasn't about to let the venom go to waste.

Callista was still shaking and refused to come any closer. When he had filled and capped the vessel, he held her to his chest, asking her if she was all right.

"That was the most horrible thing I have ever come across," she muttered, trembling in shock. "I had no idea how disgustingly huge they are."

"It's not going to hurt you, Callista. But," he looked at the fading light that was vaguely visible through the treetops, "we should head back to the castle before it gets any later. They eat their dead, you know."

"That's enough!" Callista covered her ears.

They made their way back to the very edge of the forest, being exceedingly mindful of every sound and shadow. Callista in particular was uncharacteristically jumpy. Severus had been completely unaware of her phobia. The trip was mercifully uneventful. Once they were in the Apparition clearing, Callista finally seemed to have recovered enough from her shock in the forest to speak to him.

"Go ahead up to the castle," she said. "I have to stop at Hagrid's hut. I promised him I'd let him know when I came back."

"I need to rebottle this venom before the Enlarging Charm wears off," he said, indicating the large jar that filled the pack he carried over his shoulder.

Callista stopped in mid-stride, turning to him with a sudden, bright smile on her lips. "I just thought of something. Meet me in the seventh floor corridor, next to the tapestry of the dancing trolls, after curfew."

"Whatever for?"

"You'll see," she said cryptically, as she kissed him, letting her hand trail down his chest and lightly brushing the front of his trousers with her fingertips. Without another word, she headed for Hagrid's hut.

***********************

Hours later, after bottling four pints of venom and cleaning up, Severus headed up to the seventh floor corridor. He saw Callista pacing back and forth her forehead wrinkled in concentration. She faced the stone wall with a delighted smile on her face. It was then that he noticed a door that he didn't recall ever seeing before.

"Follow me," she said, without offering an explanation. She pulled the door open and stepped inside. Severus was right behind her. He was about to ask where they were when he be came aware of his surroundings. They were standing in what looked like the clearing in the Forbidden Forest. He now knew exactly/ what was on her mind.

"How did... ?"

"Does it matter right now?" She was slowly unfastening the row of buttons that held the front of her shirt closed.

Severus took over the task, pushing the garment off of her shoulders. The sight of her caused his earlier desire to return. He gently bit the sensitive spot at the base of her neck. Nothing mattered. He stopped and whispered teasingly into her ear, "No giant spiders?"

"No giant spiders," she repeated, unfastening the closure of his trousers and dropping to her knees. "I want to be adventurous, but not like that."

Without a moment's hesitation, they dove into the fantasy. It wasn't until much later, spent and with his knees aching, Severus held Callista lightly in his arms. As if it knew what they needed, the room provided a light blanket for them. They wrapped up in it and rested.

"How did you know this room was here?" Severus finally asked, propping himself up on one arm to look down at her.

A secretive gleam lit her eyes. "I really shouldn't tell you."

"Don't you trust me?" He tried his best to sound offended.

"Of course I trust you. I just don't think it's important that you know," she told him. "Honestly, I'm just surprised that you never knew this room was here."

Not wanting to spoil the moment, he decided not to question her any further. Callista began to run her fingers through the hair on his chest. The repetitive sensation was soothing, and Severus found himself relaxing at her gentle touch. He was starting to doze.

"Severus?" Callista whispered against his shoulder, and he turned slightly to look at her. "About earlier... I was serious when I said I wanted another child, but I just wanted you to know that I would never scheme to do so without your consent."

"I should hope that you would never do something so blatantly irresponsible and deceitful."

Callista sat up. "Yet you never seem to think to share in the preventative responsibility."

"Isn't that the woman's responsibility?" he asked snidely. How dare she throw that in his face?

Callista crossed her arms over her chest. "Since you now seem remotely interested, I have been taking care of it ever since you made it abundantly clear that fatherhood was not in your immediate plans."

He felt a rush of relief at that statement even though he knew that she was angry at him. He allowed some of the harshness in his face and voice drain away. "I hope you understand that the ongoing threat from the Dark Lord is only part of the reason I don't share your desire to have children. Callista, I am not someone who is even remotely fit to be a parent. If you had paid attention to my interactions with children, you would have discovered that I don't like them. I have no patience for them or any desire to attempt to develop that patience."

"Did it ever occur to you that you might feel differently if the child was your own?" she asked calmly. "You have a lot more patience than you give yourself credit for. Severus, you have managed to maintain a job you don't enjoy, without killing off any of your students, for the last sixteen years."

He snorted dismissively. "I had no alternative. It had more to do with my sense of self-preservation than patience."

"Maybe, but you did it anyway." She leaned over to kiss the bridge of his nose. "I want you to trust me, Severus. You will never truly love me if you can't trust me."

He remained silent. Callista understood their predicament, and he know her well enough to be assured that she would respect limits that had been imposed on them. She valued his safety, unstable and tentative as it was, above anything else. She would never intentionally jeopardize his life to satisfy her own desires. Severus knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would keep her promise.

"I trust you, Callista," he whispered against her neck. He coaxed her onto her back, leaning over her once more. "I trust you with my life."