Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 22: Awkward Moments

Work on the Vita Cruor Potion continued into March and was punctuated by mishaps and almost major disasters. The arduous process of trial and error--mostly error--had the two Potions professors nearing their breaking points. Tempers flared from lack of sleep, lack of progress, and frustration. Severus had no qualms on taking his wrath out on his N.E.W.T. level students. Callista on the other hand was appalled to find herself short-tempered with her students, especially the first years who worked so hard to please her.

"You have been too soft with them," he said offhandedly when she brought it up one night.

Callista glared at him as she measured out essence of murtlap. "Just because you feel the need to bully your students around, doesn't mean I'm going easy on mine."

"I do not bully my students. I am merely trying to toughen them up for life outside this school." He turned his back on her and checked the fire under the cauldron.

"Is that what you're trying to convince yourself that you're doing?" Callista put the vial down and started to cut a section off of the dried placenta. Her hands were shaking so badly from suppressed anger that the knife slipped, cutting the index finger of her left hand. She swore foully as she grabbed for a cotton towel.

Severus, who hadn't seen what she had been cutting, rushed to her side in alarm. "What did you cut yourself on?"

"Nothing toxic," she said, pressing firmly down on the injury. "Really, it isn't anything serious."

"Let me see it." He carefully removed the towel. The cut wasn't deep, and a simple healing spell knit the skin back together. He held onto her hand.

She looked up at him apologetically. "I hate fighting with you. Maybe it was a mistake for us to work together on this?"

"Do you prefer Longbottom for company?"

Callista shook her head. "It's not that at all. Neville is an excellent assistant. But you, Severus, are a partner: you can anticipate the next step, you know exactly how to prepare each ingredient and you know where everything is without asking." A spiritless smile curled the corners of her mouth. "You also cause fewer explosions."

"I should hope so. Bear in mind that I had the dubious pleasure of being Longbottom's teacher for five years." He traced the side of her face with his fingers.

She nodded in agreement. "I just want to get a viable formulation. Then we can celebrate."

"What did you have in mind?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"A long week far away from Hogwarts...alone." She licked her lip seductively. "Cairo, or perhaps Bombay might be far enough away."

"I can afford neither." At this admission, an uncustomary, awkward silence rose up between them.

Callista finally broke it. "I'll settle for a cheap hotel room in Muggle London."

At her remark, Severus felt the corners of his mouth twitch. He let out a snort that could almost be counted as a harsh laugh. When was the last time he had laughed out loud?

"Callista, we need to get back to work," he said sternly, trying to redirect her back to the task at hand.

Her sense of humor temporarily restored, Callista went back to preparing the placenta.

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As the Easter break approached, so did the start of Quidditch season. Dumbledore had increased the wards so that they extended even farther above the pitch and allowed the teams to continue practicing. The first game was to be between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, the two lowest ranked teams in the school. Severus cringed at the thought of wasting part of a Saturday watching them scrap over who would finish the season in last place. Ravenclaw's Seeker, Cho Chang, was in his Defense Against the Dark Arts class. If she couldn't play, then maybe Madam Hooch would allow the game to be postponed? Perhaps a stray hex... He shook his head. The only students he would ever consider hexing were Potter and Malfoy--and possibly Granger and Weasley, given right circumstances.

Surprisingly the vast majority of the student population was anticipating the game. Perhaps it was because this was the first major outdoor event of the spring. Since all further Hogsmeade visits had been canceled for the remainder of the year, Severus suspected that the students would be excited about flobberworm races, as long as they took place far way from the library or any other place that was even remotely connected with studying. Just then a thought occurred to him. The castle would be empty for the duration of the game. It would be the perfect opportunity to spend some uninterrupted time with Callista that didn't involve failed trials for a potion.

The last few weeks had been difficult. Callista was constantly at the forefront of his thoughts; being apart from her had become just as dangerous as being with her. Severus had come to the conclusion that it was easier to conceal the their relationship if he was enjoying it. He had also reached a point of desperation that made the risk worth taking.

At dinner the night before the game, Callista mentioned that she wasn't going to the match. She was planning on finishing several stacks of essays to free up her Sunday. Severus told her he was going to Knockturn Alley. She looked at him slightly alarmed. He made up an excuse about obtaining some rare and barely legal potion ingredients. The fact that he would be going to Knockturn Alley ensured that she would not want to join him. It was too risky for them to be seen together that far away from the school.

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The next morning at breakfast, Severus made sure that he was seen leaving the castle. He waited at the edge of the Forbidden Forest until he heard Colin Creevey begin the commentary for the match. With a satisfied smirk on his face, Severus returned to the castle, taking the back staircase to the Dark Arts classroom on the first floor. He silently slipped up the stairs and knocked on the office door. Callista opened the door, her face shining with surprise at the sight of him.

"I thought you were going to Knockturn Alley today," she said, ushering him into the office. "Did you forget something?"

"That was merely a cover story so I could spend the morning with you." He looked at her, noting that she looked as if she had run to Hogsmeade and back. "What have you been up to?"

"I was working off some nervous energy, that's all."

He raised an eyebrow at her perspiring, flushed face. "Given your current appearance, I am almost afraid to ask what you have been doing."

He closed his eyes, taking in a few deep breaths in a effort to tease her. She poked him sharply in the chest. "Before you let your mind wander off into some lurid fantasy, I have taken to running up the many staircases in the castle when I feel tense."

"There are better ways to work off tension." He bent to kiss her, his hands tugging at the damp fabric that was enticingly plastered to her body.

She stepped back. "Severus, I'm all sweaty and disgusting!"

He smoothed back a few stray hairs from her face. "You could be drenched in stink sap for all I care. It has been entirely too long."

"But still..." she whispered in his ear.

"Just use a charm," he murmured against her neck. He began working on the tie that held her shirt closed.

"It's not the same. I need a shower," she protested, disengaging herself. "Care to join me?"

Drawing in a sharp breath, he could only nod in agreement. He dropped his outer robe onto a chair, pulling her to him again. He tasted the salt on her neck as she shivered in his arms. Her hands traveled across his chest, feeling his wiry muscles. He scooped her up and passed through the doorway leading to her quarters. She waved the door closed behind her.

Feeling shockingly uninhibited, he dropped her onto the bed, sending her into a fit of giggles. He undressed with a slowness that gave him time to regain some measure of control. She stood up to shed her sweat-soaked clothing, tossing it in the general direction of the laundry basket. Severus stroked her side, causing her to squirm with suppressed laughter. Callista grabbed his hands and pulled him down on to the bed.

He pressed against her, feeling every curve and swell of her body against his. Her fingers expertly manipulated him to a point of near desperation. Severus felt his heart pounding faster as she continued to fondle him. A sudden shift in her actions caused him to cry out involuntarily. He tossed his head back against the pillow and made an effort to hold off, knowing that his release was approaching. Callista must have sensed that his control was slipping, because she stopped and sat up.

"Want to join me for that shower now?" she whispered, wiping the corner of her mouth delicately.

He caught his breath, nodding in response. Feeling certain that he needed a few minutes to partially recover, he didn't move right away. It was only when she reached down to him that he made an effort to sit up. Callista kissed the bridge of his nose before leading him into the bathroom.

"Don't you dare get soap in my eyes," he warned as they stood under the soothing spray of the shower, tension draining away with the warm water. Subtly scented soap was rubbed over wet skin. Callista ran her soapy fingers through his hair, pulling his head down so his mouth could meet hers. Severus wrapped his arms around her, feeling every curve of her pressing against him. He drew back slightly as her hands slid down his chest and below his waist. He couldn't wait any longer.

Severus lifted her up onto the slightly protruding soap ledge, bracing her against the wall of the shower. Callista cried out as he claimed her. He didn't last long. His ragged breath was hot on her neck, her fingers clawed at his back. He muffled his own cry in the side of her neck as he gave in to his release. Neither of them moved right away as they allowed the water to continue to run over them. Finally Callista turned off the water and summoned a pair of warmed towels.

"Now, that wasn't so terrible?" she asked, throwing the towel over his shoulder. "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."

He didn't bother to stifle a laugh.

"I'm going to check and see how the game is going." Callista dried off her hair and pulled the towel around herself. "Just to see if we will have a chance to take our time. Oh, I'm far from finished with you, Severus Snape."

He grumbled something under his breath about her shameless behavior.

The only thing he could find to cover himself was the towel. Severus secured it tightly around his waist and picked up his discarded shirt as he passed the bed. No one else was in the castle, and her office was always sufficiently warm. He paused at the doorway between her private room and the office. Callista was standing at the window, clad in a long silk dressing gown. She was looking out at the Quidditch pitch, watching the end of the game. Severus slipped up behind her, enfolding her in his arms and burying his face in her damp hair.

"Who is winning?" he asked, brushing his lips against her neck.

"Besides you?" Callista shivered as he slid a hand under her dressing gown. "I'm guessing Ravenclaw, but I can't really hear the commentary all that well."

"You have no idea how thankful I am that you do not care for Quidditch." He turned her so that she was facing him and deftly untied the closure on her dressing gown. His hands wandered over her bare skin. He tipped her face up to his, kissing her.

She waited for the kiss to end before teasing him in a slightly breathless tone. "What has gotten into you? Not that I mind..."

"All of those hours working alone with you and not giving in to this. Suffice it to say, I want to make up for lost time."

"First time to relieve tension, second time for the sheer pleasure of it?" There was a smoldering look to her eyes.

He mumbled against her shoulder, "And the third. And the fourth..."

"Severus you aren't twenty-three anymore. Let's keep things realistic."

"Thank you for the vote of confidence," he said sourly. One look at the playful gleam in her eyes, and he felt the desire rising in him again. It made him want to prove her wrong or die trying.

"Severus, we really should move back into my room... just in case ..." She trailed off, pulling his shirt open and tracing her fingers over his chest. She loosened his towel, letting it fall to the floor.

"HOLY SHIT!" a voice screamed, echoing in the office.

Severus and Callista turned terrified eyes towards the door, hoping it was another staff member. It wasn't. Standing in the doorway, clinging to the latch, was Harry, his eyes wide with shock as he mumbled a string of incoherent syllables.

Severus was the first to recover, as he grabbed for his fallen towel. "POTTER!"

Callista hastily pulled her gown closed. "Shut up! If anyone sees him now, this will only get worse."

"Worse? How can this possibly get any worse?" he demanded, as he covered himself as best he could.

She took a few steps toward Harry, speaking in a ridiculously calm voice. "Harry, I need you to come in and close the door behind you. That's it; come into the office. Now close the door. Thank you."

Harry shook his head as if to dislodge the image. His face still very pale, he staggered over to his desk to grab a stack of parchment. "I decided not to go to the pitch. Thought I'd just catch up on marking some essays and maybe some studying. I had no idea that...Oh, God!"

"It's all right, Harry. I'm sure this was unintentional--"

"Damn it, Callista, this isn't all right!" Severus roared. "He knows about us. Now it's only a matter of time before the Dark Lord sees it in his worthless head."

Severus was maddened with fury. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes trying not to think about the consequences of them being discovered. How could they have been so stupid as to not ward the door or at least put up some type of warning charm? Why did that idiot boy have to come barging in like that? He snatched his discarded robe from the top of her desk, swinging it around himself.

"Just let me get my things. I'll go work in the library." Harry scooped up the required items from his desk and turned to leave.

"No, wait!" Callista ordered.

Harry caught his foot on the edge of the rug and tripped. Parchments scattered all over the floor, and he hastily bent to pick them up. Callista went to help him.

"Please, this is beyond embarrassing. Could you just Obliviate me?" Harry asked, covering his eyes.

"That would be the first intelligent idea you've had this school year, Potter," Severus snarled, his fingers twitching toward his wand that was tucked in his pocket.

Harry looked up at Severus. "Look, sir, the last thing I ever wanted was to see you starkers. Except for you starkers with Callista. Is this why you've been leaving me alone in class? Did she make some kind of a deal with you?"

"So you think the only reason she would make herself available to me would be to protect you?" Severus could feel the veins in his neck throbbing.

"That's enough from the both of you! Severus, go finish getting dressed. We will sort this all out like adults. Harry, just go sit on the sofa while I pick up the rest of the parchments," Callista ordered as she set about collecting the scattered essays.

Severus wrapped his robe more tightly around himself as he passed back into her private chambers. He sank onto the bed, burying his long fingers in his hair. It was over. If Potter knew about them, then it was only a matter of time before the Dark Lord would learn the truth. Both Severus and Callista were in very real danger. He cursed himself for not thinking to ward the door. His lapse in judgment was now threatening their very lives.

"Pardon me, Professor Snape, sir, but Winky is brought you fresh clothes," whined Winky in her shrill voice, her arms filled with a bundle of black fabric. "It is a good thing that Professor Snape is wearing the same thing always, or peoples might take notice that he is changing his clothes in the middle of the day."

He ignored the little elf and hastily put on the garments. He would have to Obliviate Potter; there wasn't any other option. It was a difficult spell to do properly, and one that he had very little practice at. He knew the theory and the incantation, but he had never actually used the spell. His personal preference would be killing the meddlesome little whelp, but he doubted that Callista would allow it. Potter and his ineptitude at closing his mind to the Dark Lord was surely going to be the end of them.

Severus stormed into the office. Potter was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. Callista was heading over to the doorway. Her face was unreadable as she approached him.

"I want you both to make a concerted effort not to murder each other in my absence. I won't be long." Callista retreated into her quarters, closing the door quietly behind her.

A feeling of wretched embarrassment almost overcame Severus's anger. The last time he felt this uncomfortable was the day after James and Sirius 'displayed' him by the lake. He flung away the embarrassment and replaced it with a vicious, taunting anger. He sneered, "What's the matter Potter, were you hoping to seduce her?"

Almost as soon as the question left his lips, he realized too late that he really didn't want to know the answer.

The face that turned to him was dark with loathing. "It's my office, too."

"Surely you don't think she would be interested in a little boy?" Severus pressed, lowering his voice.

"I'm trying to act like an adult, and you are being the childish one. Why are you trying to turn this into a pissing contest?"

Severus stared into the boy's eyes searching for some advantage. He found disgust and loathing attached to nearly every thought that was connected to the boy's feeling toward him. When he began probing into Potter's feelings about Callista, he suddenly sensed something as solid as a brick wall erected around that part of the boy's mind. Severus tried to circle around it with his own mind and found himself blocked again and again. The little whelp actually learned how to shut him out of his mind. The connection snapped when Potter abruptly looked away.

"Well, I see you're both still alive," Callista said, leaning against the door frame. She was now properly dressed in burgundy jacket and a black skirt.

"Are you going to Obilivate Potter, or shall I do it?" Severus asked bluntly.

"We are not going to Obliviate him. Only a trained Obliviator could do the job correctly, and last I checked, neither of us are Obliviators. Unless the spell is done properly, it could leave a hole in the patterns of his thoughts noticeable enough to raise more suspicions than it would avoid. Not that there may be much we can do to keep this hidden from Voldemort now." She sat down on the chair opposite Harry. "Harry, I know this had to be a terrible shock to you, but your silence is imperative. Can you keep this memory protected from Voldemort?"

"I can try."

"That's not good enough, Harry. Can you, or can't you?" Callista asked again, her gentle voice becoming stern.

"I don't care if anything happens to him." Cold hatred filled the bright green eyes.

"There is far more at stake here than your feelings: there is the survival of the Order. You have a duty to protect all of those people, and that includes Severus -- and me. Your ability to keep this memory concealed is the only thing that can protect me from Voldemort. You do realize that, don't you?" Callista sounded like she was nearing the end of her usually fathomless patience.

Bloody brilliant, Callista! Using the whelp's desire to protect you to keep me safe as well, how very Slytherin. He grinned inwardly, but carefully kept a neutral look on his countenance.

The young man nodded. Then he looked up at her with questioning eyes. "Why would you...with him of all people?"

Color rising on her cheeks, Callista looked way, her tone was slightly harsh. "That's really not your business, Harry."

"But Sirius --"

"He's dead, Harry," she said softly, but firmly, even though Severus could tell it broke her heart to say the words out loud. "Even if Sirius were still alive, it wouldn't change this. Sirius was a true and loyal friend and very protective of me, but that was all it was."

Harry opened his mouth as if to say something else. Severus now knew for certain that Black had told the boy about Callista. Black and his selfish desire to have something that Severus had. The one bit of beauty in Severus's otherwise ugly existence, and Black had wanted it. Just like James Potter had wanted Lily and had taken her in a cruel, desperate and despicable act.

"Harry," Callista said, "when something that is meant to be comes your way, you don't turn it away; you embrace it. Remember that."

Severus frowned. Harry turned to him, a cold, dull anger in his eyes. "You can't protect her. If Voldemort finds out, he will use her to test your loyalties, and you will sacrifice her to save your own greasy hide."

"Keep in mind, Potter, that this will only come about if you fail to keep your worthless mind closed," Severus spat, fury boiling over him, his hand clenching his wand convulsively.

"You can't protect her!"

"No, he can't," Callista broke in before Severus could say a word. "Just like you can't protect Ron, Hermione, Ginny or any of your friends the way you want to. All we can do is try to work together to possibly protect each other."

The dark-haired youth dropped his head into his hands, his whole body shaking. Tentatively Callista reached out to place a hand on his arm. He jerked back from her touch, a strangled look of revulsion on his face.

"I don't expect you to understand this, Harry, or to even accept it," she whispered.

"He will turn you over to Voldemort if it means saving his own neck," Harry reiterated.

"And he is more vital to the Order than I am," Callista reasoned.

Harry looked at her, the rage and defiance had drained away, revealing a frightened little boy. "It's just that..."

"Harry, I know how much you have come to depend on me. Believe me, I will do everything in my power to do what I can to help you. I care about you, and that will never change. That will never change." The maternal look in her eyes was almost painful for Severus to witness. He knew at once how deeply she cared for the boy. She had stepped into Lily's role to the best of her abilities, comforting, guiding, teaching. Now Potter's unwanted discovery of Severus and Callista's affair was threatening to destroy that relationship. A wordless exchange continued to pass between Callista and the young man. "Harry..."

Harry held up a hand to stop her. Taking her hands into his, he kissed each one in turn, squeezing them firmly before letting go. Almost as an afterthought, Harry leaned over to kiss her gently on the cheek. When he looked at her, there was a look of grim determination and fierce resolve on his face. "If anything happens to you, it will be his fault, not mine."

The young wizard stood up and faced Severus. Emerald and obsidian locked with an unflinching intensity. Severus felt a flash of something akin to understanding. For once, he and the son of his enemy had a mutual goal: to protect Callista. It was rather disconcerting--to say the least--to be openly on the same side as the spoiled little boy who had never done anything but give him grief. Potter turned his back on them and exited the office with an air of wounded dignity.

Callista lowered her head into her hands, a solitary tear slipping down her face. "I'm worried about him, Severus. I just don't know how to help him."

Severus moved from his spot near the fireplace to stand next to her. "He's too arrogant to allow anyone to help him. He's--"

"Don't you see? He feels like he is alone! I was the one person he felt he was able to confide in." She wiped at her eyes with the corner of her sleeve.

"The headmaster has always been his champion." Severus said the words bitterly.

"His trust in my uncle was shattered last year because of the damn prophecy! And now Harry's trust in me is broken as well."

"Are you trying to blame me for this?"

"Unlike some people, I don't feel that it is always necessary to assign blame!"

"Yet you do it anyway."

With the ferocity of a threatened lioness, Callista sprang to her feet, her eyes alight with anger. "I'm not blaming you! Harry needs me. He most likely thinks that you will convince me to no longer support him. He thinks you won't let me be--"

Severus had had enough. He voiced his own feelings of dread and shouted, "Or not in the capacity that he wants you to be in!"

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" Callista demanded.

Severus took her by the shoulders, his eyes boring into hers. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe he still harbors feelings for you?"

"Of course it did, and he doesn't -- I've looked. You and my uncle are not the only ones who can perform Legilimency, you know," she told him. Then she continued, her voice dripping with accusation. "Why do you have to be so set on him taking me away from you? History is not going to repeat itself. Unlike Lily, I truly love you, Severus. Although sometimes I wonder why!"

She was, in all actuality, his in a way that Lily had never been. He had been Callista's first -- a bond that could never be broken. Possessively, he tightened his embrace, drawing her closer, burying his face in her hair. For the first time since January, the words spilled out of his mouth without a second thought. "And I love you."

Callista stifled an angry sob and returned the embrace, matching the vehemence of his possessiveness, her mouth seeking his.