Shadow on My Heart

The brilliant Rowling owns it all,

from the Forbidden Forest to the Great Hall.

Potter, Weasley, Granger and Snape,

Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle the Ape,

Dumbledore, Sprout and the other teachers,

thestrals, kneazles and all of the creatures,

spells and plots and gillyweed

are hers I humbly will concede.

The Potter-verse I cannot claim;

I write for reviews and not for fame.

Let me tell you one last time:

I do not receive a single dime.

Compared to Rowling, my talent is sparse.

Besides, her lawyers would sue my arse.

So I write this disclaimer with flair and class,

in hopes of covering my fic-writing ass!

A/N: OK, now that we have established that poetry is not one of my talents...

I think my beta has been sneaking spiked alchol to my plot bunnies. Oh wait, nope, that was me. Anyway, thanks to all of those wonderful people who have been reviewing this fic. If you have been reading but haven't left a review, please consider doing so. What do you think I feed the plot bunnies? If you don't leave a review, I will be forced to feed them my poetry -- the consequences could be devastating!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 21: Assignments and Risks

Sunday night the members of the Order of the Phoenix met in the cramped kitchen at number twelve, Grimmauld Place. Mugs of tea, plates with various leftovers and several wine bottles littered the table. Severus was seated across from Callista. She was crammed between McGonagall and Moody. Severus wrapped his long-fingered hands around his steaming mug as he listened to the discussion on the incident at Hogsmeade the day before.

"Where did Potter say he was when all of this happened?" Moody asked, as his bright blue eye swiveled wildly in its socket.

"He claims he went to the post office," Dumbledore replied.

Severus spoke up. "Why would he be there? Little Prince Potter has his own owl."

"Did it ever occur to you that he might not want to use Hedwig, Severus?" Callista asked, raising an eyebrow. The two of them had quarreled off and on since the attack. Callista had made it absolutely clear that she didn't approve of his treatment of Neville Longbottom. Her unflinching loyalty to the members of Gryffindor House was putting them at odds.

He fixed her with a hard, bitter stare. "I am only saying it sounds like a very unlikely story, Hawkins. Of course, if Potter said that is where he was, then it must be so."

"If Potter said that's where he was, then that's good enough for me," Moody growled.

Dumbledore raised a hand to halt the argument. "Bickering back and forth will get us nowhere. Now we do have one bit of business that we must tend to. Should we go through with Harry's initiation into the Order or postpone it?"

For a long moment, no one spoke. Remus Lupin finally broke the silence from his place at the far end of the table. "Do we know for sure if he was the target of the attack?"

Dumbledore flicked his eyes from Callista to Severus before answering. "While there is the strong likelihood that Harry was their intended target, there is also the slightest possibility that there was another objective."

"What would it be? Other than to scare the population of Hogsmeade half to death," Mr. Weasley wondered, rubbing his temples.

Callista raised her chin. "There is a chance that I was the intended target."

"You? Why on earth would You-Know-Who be after you?" Mr. Weasley asked, slightly alarmed.

"Because she is close to Potter. That would be the most obvious reason," Severus supplied before Callista could say anything else. There was no point in having her announce their involvement to half of the Order unless it was absolutely necessary.

"I suppose that makes perfectly good sense." Lupin's brow furrowed slightly as he studied Severus. "Voldemort would use Callista as a means to get to Harry. All things considered, it may be best to wait until he comes of age or at least until the school year comes to a close. That would lower the risks to the other students...hopefully."

Callista heaved a sigh. "I'm afraid I need to side with Remus on this. But there has to be something that we can give him to do to help until then. Would it be possible to allow him to continue with the DA? That way he could offer support to members of Slytherin House. I'm sure there are some students who may not have made their loyalties known yet."

"For once the children of Slytherin are not being condemned, how... refreshing," Severus commented snidely. Instantly he felt the sharp toe of a boot connect with his shin. Callista had kicked him under the table. Moody, who had observed it with his magical eye, snorted.

"I'm saying that there are a few half-bloods in your House, Severus. Students who have Muggle family members whose safety they value. I just want them to have options so that they aren't threatened into making a decision they may regret." Callista looked at him with unveiled eyes, begging him to see her point.

"You know that I will be unable to guide them without revealing my role within the Order?"

McGonagall raised her eyebrows at the younger woman. "Do you think there is a way to protect them, Callista?"

"Yes," she answered confidently, "and I think it should be Harry's job--along with the other DA members, of course--to recruit students from Slytherin. How many half-blood students or fence sitters do you think you have, Severus?"

Severus scratched his chin. "Miss Davis comes to mind, and there are a few others. I will give you their names, but I do not see how you will be able to address them, as many are not in either of your classes."

"Yer a bright girl, Callista. You'll find a way," Moody rumbled with a hint of pride in his voice, while one gnarled hand patted her arm.

Callista politely ignored him. "I'll appreciate whatever assistance you can give me, Severus. Just a few names, and I'll let Harry do the rest. I just wish I could come up with a way to ensure that they don't inadvertently pull a spy into their midst."

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged significant looks. The old witch spoke grimly, "Ask Miss Edgecombe of Ravenclaw if the DA is protected."

Callista looked at her with a blank expression. McGonagall finally said sharply, as if Callista were an exceptionally dull second year, "Surely you didn't think those were naturally occurring acne scars on her face spelling out SNEAK?"

"Good Lord, who..."

McGonagall explained about the members signing a contract of sorts to a grudgingly impressed Callista. She went on to explain that last year Miss Edgecombe decided to break that contract when she reported the other students to Professor Umbridge. When she finished the tale, Dumbledore chuckled softly. "Miss Granger will ensure that the DA and its members are safe."

"Remind me never to sign anything that girl gives me." Callista shook her head in amazement.

The members had just finished up a few odd bits of business when the clock struck eleven. Severus was the first to leave the room. He stood in the foyer, applying a Warming Charm to his cloak before braving the cold, raw February night. Just before he opened the door to leave, Callista appeared at his elbow.

"Care to accompany me back to the castle, Severus?" she asked, swinging her cloak around her shoulders.

He stared down at her, his eyes were dark with desire, but his tone was tight and bitter. "I highly doubt that your bodyguard would approve."

"One of these days, Alastor will learn to stay out of my personal business. Until then, I still intend to make my own choices." She tipped her head back, her lips merely inches away from his. The temptation was almost too great for him to resist. He bent to meet the softness of her mouth, as he thrust their prior argument to the back of his mind. Suddenly he straightened up, pulling away from her. "Not here."

"I understand," she said, stepping back a bit. "Uncle Albus wants us to work together on the Vita Cruor Potion. He wants it ready as quickly as possible. It looks like we will be spending a lot of time together."

"Callista," called Moody as he thudded up the stairs and into the foyer, "I need to talk to ya before ya head back to the school."

Callista lifted her chin defiantly. "Alastor, I have nothing to say to you."

"I just have yer best interests--"

"And I told you that I'm more than capable of taking care of myself," Callista said, struggling to keep her ire under control.

"Now see here, Callista," Moody began angrily.

"Moody, she has made it abundantly clear that she does not value your opinion," Severus said, stepping between Callista and the old Auror.

"Haven't I warned ya enough times to keep away from her, Snape?" he growled, drawing his wand and pointing it at Severus.

In less than a breath, Severus had his wand aimed at the old man. Callista glared at them both, shouting, "I don't need to be protected--by either of you!"

At the sound of her voice, the portrait of Mrs. Black awoke and began her litany of insults. "BLOOD TRAITORS! FILTH AND SCUM!" She turned her attention to Callista. "YOU WRETCHED GIRL! TO THINK THAT YOU WERE TO BE MISTRESS OF THIS HOUSE!" Mrs. Black caught sight of Severus. "AND YOU! YOU BETRAYED MY BELOVED SON, YOU VILE TRAITOR! HOW DARE YOU DEFILE THE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK WITH YOUR--"

Callista, swearing furiously, yanked the drapes closed, cutting off the stream of indignities. The screeching tirade had reached the ears of the other Order members. Remus, Dumbledore and McGonagall were in the now cramped foyer, glancing from the stunned faces to the draped portrait. Callista stood with an odd mixture of discomfiture and resentment on her face.

"What happened?" McGonagall queried.

"Just Mistress Black throwing about her unwanted two Knuts," grumbled Moody as he reluctantly pocketed his wand.

"Should we Portkey back to the school together, Uncle?" Callista asked, not meeting the old man's twinkling blue gaze.

Dumbledore looked from Callista to Severus and nodded as he pulled an empty ink pot from the pocket of his robes. The four teachers were immediately whisked back to Dumbledore's office. McGonagall left to patrol the corridors near Gryffindor Tower for students who decided to ignore curfew.

Callista and Severus were getting ready to leave when the headmaster stopped them.

"I trust," he began with a sparkle in his eyes, "that the Vita Cruor Potion will be ready as soon as possible. And that the time in the workroom will be well utilized."

Severus nodded. The Order was depending on the success of that potion.

"We'll make it work, sir," Callista spoke for both of them as she headed for the door. "I'm going to turn in for the night. Good-night, gentlemen."

Severus watched her leave the room. He and Dumbledore sat in silence for several moments, each waiting for the other to speak. Finally Dumbledore spoke to the Potions master, "Severus, if you would rather go, please feel free to do so."

"That would not be the wisest decision, sir." Severus felt his neck grow uncomfortably warm.

"Severus, I know exactly what has been transpiring between the two of you. If I recall, I have even given you my blessing." Dumbledore watched him with twinkling eyes. "Why exactly you are still sitting here is utterly beyond me. If it is a matter of respect..."

"I'm concerned for her safety, sir," Severus answered. "The Dark Lord will not hesitate to use her to test my loyalties. My foremost concern is keeping her alive."

"I see. Has Voldemort become aware of your relationship?"

The younger man shook his head. "If he has learned about Callista, he has not used that information to his advantage. I was hoping that by keeping our contact to a minimum, I would be able to de-emphasize how important she is to me."

"What would you rather do?"

"I would rather talk about something else, sir," he said truthfully. Speaking about a private matter was uncomfortable enough. Speaking about a private matter with a member of Callista's family--no matter how long he had known and trusted the old man--was nothing short of unbearable.

The old man nodded. The two talked about unrelated things--students, classes, Quidditch--until it was nearly midnight. Severus rose to his feet and Flooed to his quarters. He stayed awake for a few hours, staring into the darkness, trying to decide how best to keep himself above the Dark Lord's suspicions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every morning for the next few weeks, staff and students alike checked the Daily Prophet for any new news on Death Eater activity, but there wasn't any. Classes continued as scheduled, and the incident at Hogsmeade was shoved into the far recesses of people's minds. Severus had only been summoned once since the incident and had dutifully reported, on Dumbledore's orders, that the school was still taking every precaution to ensure the safety of both the faculty and the students.

Refusing to be lulled into a false sense of security, Severus and Callista spent the majority of their spare time trying to perfect the Vita Cruor Potion. Most of the work was done in Callista's private potions lab, which Dumbledore had set up for her near the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. While they spent hours and hours together, the time was not exactly how either of them would have preferred to spend it. More than once they were tempted to take advantage of the privacy that the project afforded them; however, knowing everything that was a stake should they fail to perfect the potion was enough to squash any desire they might be able to manage in spite of their exhaustion.

One night in early March, the workroom clock announced midnight. Callista wearily rubbed her eyes. "How much longer does that need to simmer?"

"At least another half hour," Severus answered as he continued to slowly stir the mixture in the cauldron. "That should put it at a fifty percent reduction. Tired?"

"Not at all," she grumbled, stifling a yawn.

"You can go to bed if you want," he said. "I'm accustomed to functioning on very little sleep."

"Not without you."

"Callista, you know I cannot stay. In fact, as soon as this is reduced, I will need to make rounds in the dungeons."

"I know. It's just..." She paused until he looked up from his task in irritation. "I hate our current situation."

He glared at her. "It cannot be helped, and you know it, Callista. What do you want from me?"

"A dark place with lots of dark corners for doing dark deeds," she whispered in a sultry voice.

"I think you need to learn to control yourself," he replied, turning his attention back to the cauldron. "Our priority is finishing this potion."

"You should be flattered." Callista watched him for a few moments in silence. She tidied up while he continued to stir the reduction. Finally he straightened up and put out the flames beneath the cauldron. His shoulders ached and he sat down wearily in the chair.

"Here, allow me." Callista came up behind him and began to rub the soreness from his muscles. He lowered his head and tried to relax into her touch. As her hands worked their own brand of magic on him, he was reminded of the first time he was aware that they were becoming far more than friends.

Two weeks before the Easter recess, Severus stumbled down the stairs from Professor Dumbledore's office, exhausted from a long night of brewing deadly potions for the Dark Lord. His back and shoulders ached, and he would only be able to sleep for an hour or two before it was time to get ready for his first class. All he wanted to do was go to his quarters and sleep for the next week and forget what he had just done. He just wanted to forget everything. He staggered into his room and fell across his bed without bothering to undress.

"Professor Snape, sir." He was being shaken awake by a house-elf. "The headmaster is asking Tizzy to wake the young sir for class."

"I'm skiving off lessons today," Severus mumbled against the pillow.

"Young sir, but you's the teacher!"

Groaning out an oath, Severus rolled over, swung his long legs over the edge of the bed, and sat up. The elf pressed a cup of tea into his hand. It didn't help much. He dug through the cabinet next to the bed for something stronger. He took a large swallow of Invigorating Draught without measuring it. He hoped it would take the edge off of his exhaustion.

The potion helped him keep awake, but the pain in his back and shoulders only worsened as the day went by. Of course, it was also one of those days that had gone so horribly that he wanted to hand in his resignation and take his chances with the Dark Lord. The little idiots in the first year group tested his patience--of which he had none--with their masterful incompetence, and two fourth years managed to get bubotuber pus on themselves. By late afternoon, he felt older than Dumbledore looked, and he still had to check on the progress of his N.E.W.T. students as they toiled away on their projects during open lab. He went from workroom to workroom making sure that none of them had blown themselves up. Since she was far and away the most capable student in the seventh year, he put off going into Callista's workroom until last.

He entered her workroom to find her busily preparing ingredients for her project. She smiled up at him, and he felt the weight on his soul lifted. The feeling of absolution nearly overwhelmed him. One look from her made him feel like he was a worthwhile human being.

"Are you all right, Professor?" she asked, noticing the pained expression on his face.

"I must have slept with my arm at an odd angle."

She waved the door closed and walked around the work table. "Here, sit down. I might be able to help."

He sat down on the stool, and she began to massage his shoulders, her fingers unknotting cramped muscles. He sighed contentedly as the aches were rubbed away. After a few minutes it became obvious that he was enjoying her touch far more than was proper. Her touch fanned the flames in his body and relaxation swiftly turned to urgent need.

"Miss Hawkins, I need to ask you to stop."

"Why? I thought you said it was helping."

"Because I..." He cleared his throat and escaped her hands. "If this continues, I may do something that we will both regret."

"I don't understand , sir." She looked up at him through lowered lashes.

He slowly let out a quivering breath. "I need to finish my rounds, Miss Hawkins."

"Professor Snape, what are you trying to hide from me?" Her voice shook slightly, and she was clearly upset. "Have I done something wrong?"

'No,' he thought bitterly, 'I'm the one who has done everything wrong. I have opened myself up to feelings I have no business even possessing.' He looked at her for a brief moment, reveling in the warm rush that filled him. He squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that pinpricks of light burst in the darkness behind his lids. He opened his and turned to face her. "You have done nothing wrong."

"You feel it, too, don't you? It's like a connection between us?" she whispered, daring to meet his eyes.

He shook his head, trying to clear the thoughts away. "It's inappropriate."

"I think I'm in love with you."

"You are a student, and I am your teacher. It was foolish of me to think that a friendship would have been possible." Severus headed for the door, reaching for the latch. "I am sorry for misleading you, Miss Hawkins."

"Professor Snape..."

Severus knew if he walked out of that door that he would be abandoning his one chance at happiness. It was a terrible gamble to take--to possibly be hurt like that again. He had been devastated when Lily had chosen James over him in their seventh year. Was it worth risking that type of pain a second time? Could he hope to protect her from the Dark Lord if they were discovered? Dear God, if Dumbledore ever found out...

One look at her and none of it mattered. The warm emotion that she radiated was like the sun, burning away the fog of his doubts and insecurities. She was meant to be his. He would find a way to protect her. He closed the distance between them and took her face in his hands. Bending close to the hypnotic red of her lips, they were drawn together almost as if by a force beyond their control. The connection was unlike anything he had ever experienced before; it was a sense of completion, of belonging...

He felt Callista's arms around him, her lips nibbling the sensitive skin of his ear. "I'm not sure exactly what you were thinking about, but it has had the most wonderful effect on you."

"I was just remembering that afternoon in your workroom."

"The first time you kissed me?" He nodded. "You never said the words you know."

"I couldn't say them," he corrected.

"I know. And you still can't, can you?"

"I'm sorry," he said, frowning, realizing that he hadn't told her he loved her since their reunion.

"I know you want to protect me, Severus," she said, holding him more tightly than before.

He ran his fingers through her hair. "I will not lose you. My greatest concern is you will become a test of my loyalties. I do not want to think of what I may be forced to do if the Dark Lord learns that you are of any importance to me."

Callista kissed him. He had no doubts that she understood the depth of his feelings for her. She could sense it. He would make it up to her. He would find a way to show her how much she meant to him.