Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 19: Detention and Decisions

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Monday evening came only too quickly, bringing with it Potter's detention. Severus was determined to teach the insolent little bastard a lesson on respect. Severus had convinced Callista to have her third years leave their dirty cauldrons in the classroom. She had merely shaken her head and hadn't said anything further. His lip curled with a hint of satisfaction at the hardened cement-like consistency of the residues in the twenty pewter cauldrons. It would take Potter hours to clean them without magic. Listening to Potter chisel out the mess for the evening might just turn out to be the highlight of his week.

As the clock struck eight, a knock sounded on his office door. Severus allowed a twisted, evil grin to form on his face. He permitted the young man to enter the office, glaring at him the whole time. Potter strutted up to the desk, defiance radiating off of him.

"Ahh, Mr. Potter, I see that you are just in time for your well-deserved detention," Severus said silkily. He lowered his voice in a threatening tone. "Make no mistake, Potter, if you ever dare pull such a stunt in either of my classes again, I will make sure that you are forced to drop both Potions and Defense. That would put an end to your ambition of becoming an Auror. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

Potter returned the stare with a look of absolute loathing. The teen refused to answer him, and Severus did not take kindly to the recalcitrance. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Did you comprehend what I have just said to you, or are you so obtuse that a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer is above your meager intellectual capabilities?"

"I understood you perfectly well," Potter ground out, struggling to keep his tone neutral.

"You will address me as 'sir' or 'professor,' Potter." Severus was on his feet, stalking around the room, glaring at the young man.

"We both know that there are other ways of preparing for N.E.W.T.s, sir," Harry said coldly.

So, you are going to see if Callista would be willing to take you on as an independent student, Severus thought furiously. "Professor Hawkins is not going to be your private tutor. Your foolish behavior over the Christmas break inadvertently saw to that. She will not risk her reputation for your sake."

"It never would have been an issue if you had kept your greasy nose out of her business. You were trying to get her sacked so you could have the Defense post all to yourself."

Severus could feel his blood beginning to boil at the insinuation. "How dare you even suggest such a thing, you vile little snot!"

Harry staunchly stood his ground. "Then what other motive could you possibly have, sir? Jealousy?"

Severus felt his heart stop for a moment. Potter was hitting too close to the mark on that one. Jealousy had been the driving force behind his outburst that morning, but Severus had just refused to see it. If Potter was able to make certain connections, it could spell almost certain disaster for Severus and Callista. He forced a calm and calculating look onto his face.

"Let me tell you something very important, Potter, and this time do try to pay attention. Professor Hawkins is not your armor. She cannot and will not protect you from anything, least of all me. Her error was entirely her own doing; she admitted as much. I know that she is far more ambitious than she lets on. She will not permit something as inconsequential as a little boy's infatuation to stand in the way of her achieving her goals." Severus edgily fingered his wand, waiting for the brat to dare attack him. Just give me a reason, Potter, to hex you into microscopic bits!

Harry's face was suffused with a furious shade of red. "I am not a little boy!"

"As long as you behave like a child, you will be treated as such. Now, you have twenty cauldrons, graciously provided by the third years, to clean. There will be no need to use your wand." Severus pointed imperiously to the door leading to the Potions classroom.

Potter stoically marched into the classroom, only just managing to keep his temper in check. Within a few moments, Severus could hear the chipping and scraping of dried potion residue being forced from the inside of a cauldron. The Potions master settled once again behind his desk, leafing through Callista's research ledger, his mind wandering....

N.E.W.T.s were only two weeks away, and the seventh year students were frantically trying to finish their projects. It was slightly past curfew, and a few of the students who had been given special permission by the headmaster to continue working on their projects were still toiling diligently away in their workrooms. The young Potions professor was checking in on each occupant, noting progress or lack thereof. The last student he had to inspect was Callista Hawkins.

She had left the door to her workroom ajar. He took a moment to silently observe her, and was shocked to see her sitting on the stool, her head in her hands, a few tears sliding between her fingers. What had happened? Had someone dared to attack her? Had she been subjected to more hideous falsehoods? Severus's mind raced with all kinds of dreadful possibilities.

"Miss Hawkins," he said, startling her so badly that she fell off of the stool with a crash. He rushed to Callista's side, helping her to her feet. "I'm sorry. I didn't intend to frighten you. Are you all right?"

She brushed herself off, rubbing her elbow. "I'm fine."

"What has you so upset? Has someone harassed you in any way? If it was a Slytherin, there will be hell to pay!" He caught himself as he was raising his voice. Since he wasn't Head of Slytherin House, there wasn't much he could do about it without stirring up suspicion. All Severus could realistically do was take it to the head, or worse, the headmaster.

"Shhh. Someone will hear you, sir. I don't want any trouble on top of everything else that is going wrong today." She allowed her fingers to briefly touch his lips in an attempt to quiet him. "Something keeps going wrong with the potion, and I can't figure out what the problem is. According to all of the research I've done, this should be working, but it just isn't. I just can't get it to the right temperature. I'm tired and frustrated, and I have no idea how to fix it."

In a uncharacteristic fit of anger, Callista kicked the leg of the workbench, tears of frustration welling up in her eyes. She looked worn out. Severus knew that she was spending inordinate amounts of time in the workroom as she struggled with her Potions project. He had often observed her trying to study for one of her other classes while she waited between potion stages. She was trying to do too much.

"Let me see your notes, Miss Hawkins." Severus patiently shuffled through the small sheaf of parchment, reading her notes with a deepening frown on his face. She was correct; this should be working. "Try increasing the heat slightly, and keep increasing it, slowly, until the bubbles form."

"You don't think it will burn, do you?" Callista asked, as Severus shook his head. She did as he suggested, and within minutes a sweet, almost candy-like odor began issuing from the cauldron. She gagged. "Is it supposed to smell like that?"

"Sadly, yes." Severus scrunched up his face, trying not to choke on the fumes. Slowly but surely, the mixture began to change color as it sent large bubbles to the surface. "That was the problem: the heat wasn't high enough. You need heat sometimes to get a quality reaction."

"Thank you for your help, sir," Callista said as she threw her arms impulsively around his neck.

Severus held her tightly, a feeling of intense longing flooding him. He hadn't been with anyone for a long time, and the closeness of her was just too tempting. Without thinking, he pressed his lips to hers. Although she seemed surprised by the intensity of it, she returned the kiss. The door! The door was wide open; if someone happened to walk by there would be no way to explain this away. Reluctantly, he released her. He really needed to avoid being alone with Callista. Patience was a virtue that he had in abundance, but every time he was alone with her it became harder and harder to resist his desire. She was the end of his loneliness, and the beginning of a new and normal life. She was the promise of everything he needed to be happy: friendship, love, trust, intimacy...

Severus was startled out of his memory by a banging noise in the classroom. Apparently, Potter had given up on trying to chip the hardened potion from the inside of the cauldron, and was resorting to pounding the cauldron against the stone floor of the dungeon. Irritated, the professor closed his office door and placed an Imperturbable Charm on it. Trust Potter to ruin a perfectly good memory. Well, not that good of a memory. He remembered how he had forced himself away from her, worried that he had frightened her with the sudden intensity of his feelings. After that, he had decided for both of their sakes that it was best to not be alone with her until after she had finished her exams.

With an annoyed shake of his head, Severus turned back to Callista's research ledger. The whelp would be cleaning those cauldrons for the next three hours at least. From now on, detentions would consist of disemboweling horned-toads or pickling bat brains--nice quiet detention activities.

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The week slipped quietly by, and several times Severus met with Callista and McGonagall to discuss Potter's membership in the Order. Each time he regretted taking on both of their stubborn attitudes at once. Callista even dared to suggest that he should consider what his choice would be if it was any other student. After each round, he left the two witches, with nothing to show for his efforts but a pounding headache. Perhaps he would have better luck discussing the matter with the headmaster.

Thursday evening Severus sat exhaustedly in one of the armchairs in front of the fire. Dumbledore pressed various beverages on the professor. Too tired to bother arguing, Severus sat with an untouched teacup in his hand.

"You look worn out, Severus," the headmaster commented worriedly. "Are you feeling all right?"

"No worse than usual, sir."

"Have you reached a decision on your vote for Harry's induction into the Order?"

Severus shook his head. "I am attempting to be objective; however, I am find it very difficult to put aside my personal feelings on this matter."

"I see. Have you discussed this with any other Order members?"

Severus set the cup down, running his hands through his hair. "I have discussed it at length with Professor McGonagall and Callista. They feel that allowing the boy to attend meetings and be part of the decision-making is appropriate. My concern is that Potter's inability to close his mind could create a way for the Dark Lord to gain access to information on the Order."

Dumbledore surveyed the Potions master over his steepled fingers. "I can understand how that would be of concern to you. If Voldemort were to become aware of Harry's involvement, he would be able to check on the authenticity of your information. More to the point, he may no longer require your services as a spy."

The younger man sat up stiffly in his chair. "Are you suggesting that this is an issue of pride for me? That I am concerned more for my own usefulness than I am for the goals of the Order, sir?"

The steady blue eyes watched him. "I merely meant that the dangers to you only would increase if Voldemort gained entry into Harry's thoughts." After an extend pause the headmaster continued. "What else is troubling you, Severus?"

After all of these years, he knew that attempting to keep anything from Dumbledore was an exercise in futility. With a slight sigh, Severus answered briefly. "It is of a personal nature, sir."

"Involving Callista, I assume."

It's not as if I have ever had much of a personal life. "I would rather not discuss it, Headmaster."

"I understand." A smile twitched at the corners of the headmaster's mouth. "Saturday is a Hogsmeade visit, Severus, and I was hoping that you would graciously agree to chaperone."

Severus matched his smile with a scowl. "Please, sir, I would rather not. Send Vector or Sinistra. I really would prefer to--"

"Callista will be going. And in case you had forgotten, Valentine's Day is the next day. Perhaps you and Professor Hawkins could pick up potion supplies together."

"And while we are there, perhaps some hand-holding while we window shop, followed by a nice snog session at Madame Puddifoot's," Severus added with just the barest hint of sarcasm. "I have no tolerance for frivolous holidays; you should know that by now."

"I was going to recommend that you join the rest of the staff for lunch at The Three Broomsticks. I don't believe that you would find the tea shop to your liking, Severus." Blue eyes twinkled merrily at the black ones. "It is merely a suggestion for you to consider, but I really would like you to chaperone, even if you avoid Callista the entire time."

Realizing that he was not going to be given a choice in the matter, Severus grudgingly agreed to venture out into the village on Saturday. He returned to his quarters no closer to a resolution than he had been earlier in the week. Slipping into his gray flannel nightshirt, he settled down for an uneasy night's sleep. After the third time he awoke, he resigned himself to yet another sleepless night and made his way into his private workroom to find something to pass the time.

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Friday morning came just as Severus was beginning to relax enough to consider going to sleep. He stumbled into the bathroom to shower, with the hopes of waking himself up enough to manage his day. One look in the mirror shattered all hope. Tired, reddened eyes were ringed by dark circles. Those dark circles stood out starkly on his pale face. Winky had come through with the laundry, as always, so at least he had a fresh shirt to put on. He forced himself up the stairs to the Great Hall for breakfast.

Callista was sitting next to the only vacant chair at the staff table. One glance at him caused alarm to flicker in her eyes. She mumbled out of the corner of her mouth. "You look terrible. Are you all right, Severus?"

"I got caught up in a project that I have been working on; I haven't slept yet." He filled the cup in front of him as he stifled a yawn.

"Now I see how the rumor about you being a vampire got started," she said, struggling not to grin at him. "I can honestly say that I feel sorry for your students today."

He glared at her. "Really witty, Hawkins. Besides, the little twits do not deserve a shred of sympathy."

"I hear that you will be chaperoning the Hogsmeade trip tomorrow. Is it true?" Callista asked. He nodded slightly as he sipped the tea. "Splendid, so am I. Will you be joining the other staff members and me for lunch at The Three Broomsticks?"

"I doubt that my presence would be tolerated by the other staff members."

"Perhaps the Hog's Head, then. I'm sure my great-grandfather would be happy to see you."

Severus tossed her a filthy look. He refused to even dignify the remark with a reply. He finished his breakfast and excused himself.

The day passed almost without incident. Potter sat at the back of the room during Defense Against the Dark Arts, his eyes focused on the top of the desk as Susan Bones stumbled through her duel with Millicent Bulstrode. Once or twice, Severus caught the whelp looking up at him, but oddly there was no animosity in those green eyes. Instead he saw a sadness that bordered on hopelessness. The shoulders that had broadened over the years drooped with the weight that the world had thrust upon them.

Just before the bell rang to signal the end of the class, Severus set the weekend homework: a reading assignment and essay on the pros and cons of using conjured objects as weapons. As the class filed out of the room, the professor picked up his notes, stuffing them into the bag. Callista had a point: how would he decide if this was any other student? He closed his eyes and thought of someone less objectionable. After several moments of clearing his mind of all of the distractions, logical thoughts gradually replaced emotionally charged ones. He removed personal factors from his decision, looking at it as objectively as possible. The best decision was suddenly much more apparent. He only hoped that he wouldn't regret it.

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Later that evening, Severus knocked on the door of number twelve, Grimmauld Place. The door creaked open and he found himself face to face with Alastor Moody. The old man was pointing his wand directly at the professor's chest. Instinctively Severus drew his own wand.

"Lower it, you greasy git, and get your evil arse in here," Moody commanded.

"I see that you have reached new levels of paranoia, Moody." Severus lowered his wand slightly. The moment he stepped over the threshold, Moody jabbed him in the small of the back with his wand.

"Into the study there, Snape. We need to have a friendly chat."

"Make this quick, Moody, we have an Order meeting to waste our time with," Severus said, when he heard the study door shut behind him.

"This won't take long. I'm gonna warn you once, Snape, you keep away from Callista. I promised her dad I'd always watch out for her. I plan on keeping that promise."

"If you didn't notice, he cut her off from the family."

"Because of you," Moody growled. Severus stiffened at that announcement. "Yeah, Sirius told me about you taking advantage of her innocence. She had to leave the country after you got involved with her. You keep away from that girl now, hear me."

"She's an adult, Moody, and more than capable of making her own decisions." What had Sirius told the old man?

"I don't trust you, Snape. I don't care what Dumbledore says, I still think you're working for You-Know-Who. He can think you're all reformed, but to me you're still nothing but a double-crossing bastard. Anything happens to Callista again, you're gonna deal with me. I'll make sure that you end up in that Azkaban cell. Understand?"

"Prefectly." He glared at the Auror's back, tempted to curse him into oblivion.

Once the old man exited the room, Severus dropped onto the sofa, wondering how much Black had revealed before his death. If Moody had known that Callista had been pregnant.... No, surely Black would have never revealed her secret. Besides, if he had, Severus doubted that Moody would have left him...intact.

Down in the cramped kitchen, the members of the Order of the Phoenix were waiting for the arrival of Albus Dumbledore. Tonks, Lupin and the Weasley twins were sitting at one end of the table discussing Quidditch. Callista and Moody were huddled together with Hestia Jones, chatting about current events in the Muggle world. Professor McGonagall was engrossed in a conversation with the eldest Weasley son and his father concerning the Ministry of Magic and Gringotts Bank. Molly Weasley was bustling about in her customary role of hostess, but without her usual flair for hospitality. Mundungus Fletcher was moving from group to group, trying to find someone who was willing to tolerate his noxious presence.

Settling into the shadowy corner of the kitchen, Severus watched them all. His dark eyes flicked from member to member, silently observing them. More than once as his eyes settled on Callista, although she took great measures not to meet his gaze, he felt positive that Moody's magical eye was staring back at him. Moody had made it exceedingly obvious that he did not trust the ex-Death Eater around the daughter of his old friend and colleague. Severus caught bits of their conversation. Callista was trying her best to assure the Auror that she was more than capable of fending for herself. Unfortunately, the cantankerous old man was not about to be contented with her say so.

Mercifully, Dumbledore arrived, greeting the Order members warmly. The meeting began, as usual, with various members reporting any new findings or issues. At long last, the main order of business was to begin.

"I am sure," Dumbledore began, "that you have all had time to think about the option of allowing Harry to have limited membership within the Order. By limited, I mean that he will only be permitted to sit in on parts of the meetings that pertain directly to him. He also will be allowed to be part of the decision-making process in matters that will have significant bearing on his welfare. Because he is still a student and not yet of age, it would be inappropriate to allow him full rights and responsibilities at this juncture. It has also come to my attention that if Voldemort enters his mind, it could jeopardize the security of the Order."

Molly looked at the ancient man in surprise. "Professor Dumbledore, that possibility makes it all the more reasonable to exclude him entirely. The Order is no place for children."

"Harry isn't a child, Molly, he is a young man. He is as capable as many of the adults in the Order," Callista protested evenly.

"I'm sure you would be happy to see him put his childhood behind him, Callista."

"What are you implying, Molly?" Callista asked, narrowing her eyes dangerously. Severus noticed the subtle hint of anger in her voice.

The older woman crossed her arms. "Only that being away from the situation has confused you about certain matters. While you may think you know Harry well, you really don't have his best interests at heart, only your own selfish desires to relive your youth."

"How dare you!" Callista shouted, springing to her feet. "I lost fifteen years of my life, my family and--and many other things I can never regain because of Voldemort. Get a grip, Molly! How can you hope to fight against someone if the sound of his name makes you cower? I want to make sure that Harry has access to anything that can help defeat that monster!"

"Ladies, please!" Dumbledore raised his voice slightly. "This is not the proper time for you to argue over who is more fit to be Harry's keeper. You will both control yourselves, or you shall be asked to leave. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

The two women glared stubbornly at each other. Severus didn't envy Arthur Weasley at that moment, as he watched the balding, redheaded man cringing in his seat. Fred and George exchanged worried looks at the far end of the table. George gave Callista a fleeting look of apology before he began staring at his hands. Much to Severus's annoyance, Callista returned the look with a slight smile.

Moody struggled to his feet, forcing Callista to sit down and behave herself. Once she was seated, the aged Auror turned to address Mrs. Weasley, his usually gruff voice sounding almost kind. "Hold your Hippogriffs, Molly, we all know you want what's best for Potter. We all know that this whole thing could blow up in our faces, and nobody, with the possible exception of Snape, here, wants anything terrible to happen to the boy. I've been working with him since the beginning of the first term. The boy's good in a fight."

"But he's so young, Alastor." The woman's eyes filled with tears. "The only things he should have to worry about are if he'll be able to get enough N.E.W.T.s so he can apply for the job he wants, or who he's going to ask out for the next Hogsmeade weekend. I want him to be able to be a child for just a little longer."

Lupin spoke up. "That's all any of us want for him, but it just wasn't meant to be. Molly, the only thing that we can give Harry is the chance to survive this, and maybe have a future in which his biggest worry is something mundane."

Dumbledore placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Molly, you have done everything you can to give Harry a little bit of a childhood. James and Lily would have appreciated everything that you have done for him. Do you agree to allow him to hear firsthand any information that might help him when he faces Voldemort?"

There was a long pause before the older woman slowly nodded. Her husband and sons stepped forward to embrace her shaking form. McGonagall patted her on the back, and Callista breathed a sigh of relief as she continued to carefully avoid looking at Severus. One by one, the members gave their affirmative vote. Severus patiently continued to blend into the shadows.

"Severus, since you are the one most likely to be affected by this decision, should Voldemort gain access to Harry's mind, your vote has the power to veto the action." Dumbledore was looking at him with an air of understanding. Within seconds, all eyes in the room were focused on the ex-Death Eater.

The black-robed professor drew a deep breath before speaking. "While I will say that I feel that Potter's immaturity and tendencies towards rash behavior could constitute a disaster for the Order; however, having accurate knowledge of what is going on is in his best interests. Therefore, I vote a grudging 'yes' to having the arrogant little snot participate in a limited manner."

"With that making the vote unanimous, Harry will be inducted at our next meeting," Dumbledore proclaimed, smiling broadly.

Various members of the Order passed around wine bottles and goblets. Mrs. Weasley, having regained her composure, summoned several platters of food for the group. As people broke off into smaller groups to toast the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Pain-In-The-Arse, Severus silently swept from the kitchen, ignoring the visual darts Mad-Eye Moody was sending at him. Once upstairs, he stood quietly in the foyer, reflecting on his resolution. He started slightly when he felt a presence at his elbow.

Callista smiled warmly at him. "You did the right thing, you know."

"I only hope I don't end up dead because of it," he grumbled, scowling at her. "You really should head back downstairs; it won't do for Moody to see you here with me."

"I see your sense of self-preservation is still very much intact. Actually, I was heading back to the castle. We have a trip to Hogsmeade to chaperone tomorrow. Remember?"

Severus's forehead furrowed in irritation. "I was hoping to manage to get out of that, but it seems that I have several ingredients to purchase in the village."

She smiled. "What a coincidence. I do as well."

For the first time since he was a third year, Severus was actually looking forward to a Hogsmeade visit. He held her cloak for her as she prepared to venture outside. Perhaps tomorrow would be less painful than he originally thought it would be.