Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 14: Aftermath, Allies and Accusations

Early morning sunlight streamed through the window and across Severus Snape's face. Sunlight? Window? There were no windows in his quarters. Momentarily disoriented, he rolled to his back, rubbing his eyes. The memories of the previous night came flooding back to him. He was in Callista's room; they had finally made love. He opened his eyes and saw her, sleeping at his side facing away from him. Hoping for a repeat performance, Severus propped himself up on his one arm and slowly trailed his fingers down her spine. Callista mumbled as she gradually woke up.

"Good morning," she yawned, rolling to her other side and snuggling up close to his chest.

"Good morning, yourself," he answered, kissing her shoulder.

With hands and lips, they awakened each other, renewing the passion of the past night. Callista's fingers glided over his skin, causing him to moan and shiver with delight. Their bodies reunited, moving in unison once again. When they were both spent, Callista rested with her head on his chest, listening to his heart slowly returning to its normal pace. Reluctantly, she slid to her side of the bed to retrieve her wand, clearing away the leftover mess.

She nodded at the set of black clothing on the bench at the end of the bed. "I see the house-elves were kind enough to bring you a fresh change of clothing. Should we see if we can make breakfast in the Great Hall, or shall I ask Winky to send up a tray?"

"Well, we know what the kitchen gossip will be," he groaned, flopping back onto the bed. "House-elves are known for sharing the castle news. Unless you are willing to announce to the entire staff and a handful of students that we are sharing each other's company, I suggest we try to make it to breakfast."

"I don't think Winky will present a problem," Callista said, pulling on her dressing gown and heading toward the bathroom. "I told her that if she could prove herself trustworthy, I would ask my uncle if she could come with me when I left Hogwarts. I promised her nothing more than a comfortable place to sleep, and that she could cook and clean to her heart's content."

"Don't let Miss Granger get wind of your offer, or she will hound you about elf rights," Severus said seriously.

Callista wrinkled her nose. "Miss Granger and I are hardly on speaking terms."

He raised eyebrow. "Have you made yourself an enemy?"

"As if I need to worry about defending myself against the two-legged Hogwarts library. I'll admit she is a excellent student of magic, but she's hardly a true practitioner of magic. If it isn't in a textbook, it can't possibly work is how her mind works." Callista shrugged. "Besides, she has some daft idea about knowing what's best for Harry. Obviously, I didn't make it on the list. I'm supposedly a bad influence on him."

"Once the incident before Christmas reaches her ears, you may be in for a fight." Severus sat up and reached for his clothes.

Callista covered her face with her hands. Severus could tell she was mentally kicking herself for the stupidity of her actions. "I can't believe I did something so utterly idiotic. He's like a nephew to me. I know how vulnerable he is, and so do my uncle and McGonagall. Harry became confused by his own emotions, but I never did anything to encourage him. Dear God, how could I? The only memories I have of him are when he was a baby. When I look at him, I still see the baby I used to read stories to. I didn't recognize him for the man he has become. I was so dense that I didn't see it coming until it was pointed out to me. All I had been worried about was how badly I might have messed up things with you. That is what Harry and I were talking about in the infirmary. How there isn't anything romantic between him and me; how could there be?"

Severus gaped at her. "Did you tell him about us?"

"No, but I think he may have figured it out, or he may have simply realized that I don't hate you." Callista dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. "That's why I plan on stopping the Occlumency lessons, or at least I'll be cutting them back. With his link to Voldemort, the consequences could be deadly for you. The truth is, he has been using my office to Floo to a place where he has been training with Alastor and Kingsley...." She closed her eyes at the memory of her fallen friend. "I started working with him on some of the physical defense techniques, but once Malfoy walked in while I was warming-up. Thankfully, Harry hadn't arrived yet. After that, I convinced Uncle Albus that Harry needed to do that training somewhere other than at Hogwarts. It was just too risky."

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Severus asked, a touch of skepticism creeping into his tone.

"Because I want you to know exactly what is going on. I don't want you to have any doubts about me. There is no way I want you to even entertain the thought that you are sharing me with Harry, or anyone else for that matter." She played with the hem of her dressing gown.

He sat staring at her. "Callista, why is he teaching a third year Defense class?"

"That was my question when the decision was made. I was more than willing to teach the extra course, or we could have made the schedule work for him to teach the first years. The third year covers Dark creatures, and Harry knows far more about them than I do. Remus was much more thorough with the subject than Professor Oswald was. To be honest, I really had no interest in them. Anyway, Harry has more real world experience with Dark creatures. He has actually fought against dementors. Plus, he can conjure a corporal Patronus; I can't. Don't you dare laugh at me, Severus Snape!" She shook her finger at him, as he stifled a laugh with obvious effort. "Besides, Dumbledore wants the students to be able to defend themselves properly against the dementors. Obviously, it's difficult to teach something you can't do yourself. They would never learn anything more from me than the theory. And with the current state of things--theory isn't enough. So I get to sit in the back of the classroom, mark my papers, and make sure the class is properly supervised. He is an excellent practitioner of magic, and a fairly good teacher." Callista paused. "Of course, you know, you never heard any of this from me."

"Are you trying to tell me that Dumbledore doesn't trust me?" Severus's voice was on the verge of a sneer.

"Don't use that tone with me," she warned. "I don't think it has anything to do with trust. It's more like you don't need to hide what you don't know. I wanted to tell you, but the point was impressed upon me that I would be signing your death warrant." Callista's expression softened. "We know first-hand what damage secrets can cause. Honestly, Severus, I'm really beginning to doubt my uncle's judgment."

That makes two of us, Severus agreed silently as he continued to dress. "Have you had a hand in Potter's improved marks in Potions, by any chance?"

"Outside the fact that I have given him a place where he can study and finish his work in peace? No. When he doesn't have to worry about what his friends think, he can be a decent student." She leaned against the doorframe. "Maybe it is a good thing they aren't speaking to each other."

"This is something that has been building for years. I personally thought that Weasley would get to her first," Severus muttered, buttoning his coat. "I am partly curious as to how Potter managed to seduce her."

Callista crossed her arms across her chest. "He didn't."

"How do you know?" Severus asked as he put on his shoes.

"Legilimency, of course, that and his reaction to getting caught with her. Then there was the aftermath in the Gryffindor common room; Neville told me all about it. After that, I asked him to keep an eye on Harry. Professor McGonagall said that the House was divided over the whole thing," Callista said, tracing her fingers up and down the frame.

Severus frowned at her. "What were they doing in the boathouse in the first place?"

Callista closed her eyes, as if trying very hard to decide if she should tell him. She sighed and began. "That night after the Quidditch game, Harry saw a boat out on the lake. Whoever was in the boat tossed something over the side. Naturally, Harry's curiosity got the best of him, and he decided to investigate. His plan was to go alone, which was foolish, and Hermione saw him leave and decided to join him. Anyway, something caused the boat to flip over, they both lost their wands in the lake, and Hermione nearly drowned. They were soaked and injured, so they ended up staying in the boathouse."

"Leave it to Potter to ignore the very rules that are put in place to protect his worthless hide," he grumbled, not quite under his breath.

"Trust me, my uncle, McGonagall and I have covered that point with him. As if you have any room to talk: you broke your share of rules, and so did I," she said pointedly. "Don't get angry at me for saying this, but the two of you are so alike, it's scary."

Severus frowned. Not that he hadn't thought or said the same thing himself, but to have Callista notice it.... "I'll pretend you never said that."

Callista walked over to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against him. "Just try to lighten up on him. Please? I'm not asking you to become his friend, or even to be nice to him; just let him manage on his own a bit."

He responded by kissing her deeply. Unwillingly, he forced himself to pull back. His voice had a husky quality to it. "If we are going to try to make it to breakfast, I should leave now."

She nodded, freeing him from her arms.

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After a stop in his own quarters to check on a potion he was brewing, Severus made his way to the Great Hall for a quick breakfast. Most of the staff members had returned to the castle last night to prepare for the start of the winter term, and Severus had the oddest feeling that they were watching him. He was notoriously not a morning person, and his habit for showing up late for breakfast on non-school days was not unusual. Callista, on the other hand, was a habitual early-riser, and he was relieved to see that she was already seated and engaged in a conversation with Sprout. He casually removed the giveaway smile from his face and the telltale spring from his step. It most certainly would not do to appear so...chipper.

His eyes swept the student tables. Potter was sitting with the second year who had reported him missing, and the two were engaged in an animated discussion about Quidditch. As if he knew he was being watched, Potter turned his eyes to the staff table. He caught Severus in a curious stare. Did the boy know that Severus had spent the night with Callista, this time doing far more than just sleeping there? Not that it mattered. Severus and Callista were two consenting adults, and how they spent their time was none of Potter's business.

"Ah, Severus, good morning," called Dumbledore from the center of the table, his blue eyes sparkling wildly.

"Professor Dumbledore," he said, nodding formally to the headmaster as he took his seat. A feeling of dread washed over him.

"Do you have any plans for the day?" The headmaster was grinning at him. "Any special plans?"

He doesn't know that I just had the best night and morning of my life, courtesy of his enchanting niece. How could he? The question was interrupted by the arrival of the morning post. A huge barn owl made a beeline for Severus, depositing a large, royal-blue envelope in front of him. He was struck with the realization that today was January ninth, another dreaded birthday. Actually, the last twelve hours considered, it so far had been more than tolerable.

"Thank you, sir," he began, cringing at the bright envelope. He had been traumatized last year by the gift of a cherub choir and multi-hued butterflies. The mere thought of it would give him nightmares for a week. "I think that I'll open this in private, later."

"As you wish, Severus. How will you be celebrating this year?" The old man cast a sideways glance at the attractive, brown-haired witch who was conversing with Professor Sprout.

He can speculate as much as he wants, but this is going to remain a private matter between Callista and myself. Severus shrugged as he filled his plate. "After I deliver the Wolfsbane potion to Lupin, I'll probably spend it making sure that everything is ready for the upcoming term."

The old man shook his head and, to the Potion Master's relief, turned to resume his chat with the deputy headmistress. Severus focused solely on the meal in front of him. The moment he finished, he excused himself from the table, nodding politely to Callista when she glanced his way.

In the privacy of his office in the dungeon, he opened the letter at arm's length, bracing himself for the horrors within. Nothing happened: no fairies, no dancing unicorns, no butterflies spelling out 'Happy Birthday'; he was relieved. There was just a simple handwritten note.

Severus,

Here's wishing you a pleasant birthday. Thank you for all of your hard work.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

It had only taken fifteen years, but the old man had finally almost realized that Severus preferred his birthday to go unnoticed. That, in and of itself, was a gift.

"Professor Snape, sir," a house-elf whined at his elbow. "I is having a note for you from Mistress Callista. She say it be urgent, and you needs to read it right aways, sir."

"You're the house-elf called Winky, aren't you?" Severus asked, reading the parchment. "Are you the one Professor Hawkins has taken into her confidence?"

The little elf nodded. "Mistress has offered Winky a real home to go to if she leaves Hogwarts. Winky will not break the lady's trust. It would be an honor to serves someone from an old family again."

"Be assured that your lady and I appreciate your discretion," Severus said, hoping Winky was bright enough to read between the lines.

"Winky will personally attend to Professor Snape's laundry herself, sir," Winky bowed.

He smiled ever so slightly. "That is also appreciated, Winky."

The creature departed. Severus read the note again. There was to be an Order meeting at eight o'clock at Number Twelve. So much for being able to have a private celebration with Callista. Hopefully Dumbledore wasn't planning on anything. The only thing any of the Order members would want to celebrate about him might be his demise.

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Shortly after seven, Severus entered the headmaster's office. Dumbledore looked up at him, mildly surprised to see him so early.

"Headmaster, I need to speak with you briefly before the Order meeting," Severus said.

Dumbledore smiled broadly, his eyes twinkled at the Potions professor. "Very well, Severus, what is this very pressing matter?"

"It's about Potter's Dark Arts lessons." A smirk crossed the younger wizard's face as the older man looked at him in surprise. It was obvious that whatever the headmaster was expecting, that wasn't it.

Dumbledore quickly recovered. "Is he progressing well, Severus?"

Severus stroked his chin thoughtfully before answering. "He can perform the wand motions and the incantations correctly. However, he cannot perform the spells completely. Potter consistently holds back on the full potential of the spells. They are still effective, but they are far from full power."

Severus was utterly confused when a satisfied smile passed over Dumbledore's deeply lined face. "Are you saying that he can control the impulse to fully cast the spells? Harry has found a way to truly use them for defense only. That is quite an accomplishment."

"I am not sure I understand, sir," Severus said, bewildered.

"What I wanted from this training was for Harry to recognize as many of the Dark spells as possible. If he encounters the Death Eaters again, I wanted him to be prepared. His ability to defend himself in kind may be a necessity. The last thing any of them would expect would be for the champion of light to fight them back with their own spells," Dumbledore explained.

"Headmaster, this could have been accomplished in the context of him taking the N.E.W.T. level Defense class," Severus protested, anger seeping out of his words. "Isn't that the whole point of him taking the class?"

"Severus, there was one thing that could not be accomplished in class: Harry needed to face his fear of becoming the very thing he was fighting against. I want him to have the confidence that he can resist the temptation of the Dark Arts," the old mad said, studying Severus's face.

Severus rubbed his face with his hands. "Are you referring to when he used the Cruciatus Curse on Bellatrix? Were you trying to show him that he wasn't tainted beyond redemption by the use of an Unforgivable?"

"Severus, as long as any of us realize that we can control our anger and fear, redemption is possible," Dumbledore replied mildly, as he gave Severus a meaningful look.

"I see," he muttered. "Have you spoken with Professor Hawkins about Potter's reaction to his Dark Arts lessons?"

"On several occasions. I am not accustomed to having my judgment questioned. I understand that she means well, but she asks far too many questions. Sometimes I think it was a mistake to bring her to Hogwarts." Dumbledore leaned his face into his hands, sighing tiredly.

Severus forced back the anger that threatened to rise in him. "How long have you known she was alive?"

"Severus, you must understand--"

"How long?" Severus demanded, cutting Dumbledore off.

"Four years after she had disappeared," Dumbledore began heavily, "I had received a letter from a contact in the States, a university professor. He had told me that one of his students was a witch. I hadn't thought it to be very suspicious. After all, we were all convinced that Sirius had turned on James and Lily. Lily had told me that Callista was staying with them; therefore, I had no real hope that she was still alive. Between her connection to the Potters and Sirius and even you, it was just too possible for Callista to have been a victim. So I had merely asked my friend to watch this young lady in question. But when I learned that Sirius was innocent, there was the possibility that Callista could still be alive. You see, Sirius told me that he had advised her to go into hiding until everything had settled. Providing that no Death Eaters had found her, there was a very slim chance that she was still alive. I had my contact send me a photo of the person in question, and it turned out to be Callista. At the time, I decided against taking any action other than that he was to remain in touch with her. Once Voldemort had returned to power, I had to make a decision about whether or not to contact her. After Sirius died, I couldn't put that off any longer, so I had her return."

A silence filled the room as he finished his tale.

"You had known she was still alive all of this time, and you never once had thought to tell me? Had you forgotten what I went through when I thought she had died? Did it ever occur to you what it would have meant for me to have her back in my life?" Severus's voice had turned deadly quiet.

"Severus, when I first received the information, I had no hope that Callista was still alive. By the time we learned the truth about the circumstances of her disappearance, she had built a new life for herself. I didn't want to take that from her," Dumbledore reasoned. "It wasn't until Harry needed--"

"What about what I needed?" Severus growled. "I have needed her ever since the first day I saw her. I loved her; bloody hell, I had wanted to make her my wife. We..."

"It was a difficult choice to make." The voice was shaky and filled with regret.

The Potions master began pacing the office. The old man had known she was alive for two years. For more than a decade before that, there had been the possibility for them to have been reunited, if only Dumbledore would have bothered to look further. It had been too late to save their son, but they could still have built a life together. All of that time they could have had -- another life, perhaps more children, all of their dreams....

"Severus," Albus moved to stand in front of him, placing his withered hands on Snape's shoulders, "if you and Callista had lived out your dreams, what would have happened when Voldemort returned? The first thing he would have done was torture and kill her and any children you may have had. Or worse, he would have had you do it to prove your continued loyalty to him. You would never have been able to live with yourself if that had happened."

It was painfully true, but Severus refused to acknowledge that. He shook himself free from Dumbledore. "But you had known for two years that she was alive. You should have told me. I had a right to know, and you kept that knowledge from me."

"I know it isn't much comfort, but I am truly sorry for everything that you have been through. You're with her now, Severus. Cherish this second chance. I will not interfere in your lives," he said, "I give you my most solemn promise not to interfere, and my blessings."

The younger man's eyes blazed with barely controlled anger. "I don't want anything from you!"

Dumbledore stood up straight, all traces of his immense age disappearing. His voice was forceful. "Severus, you know as well as I do that sometimes there are no 'good' choices to make. I had to choose between her safety and your happiness. You know that there was no way for you to keep her from Voldemort's notice, especially since the idea for you to 'befriend and seduce' her was part of his plot. Even if he had spared her life, do you honestly believe that he would have allowed you to keep her? She would have been forced to bear the children of the other Death Eaters until it killed her. At best, she would have been given to someone higher-born than yourself."

"Do you think I didn't know that already?" Severus was clawing convulsively at his left forearm. "Ever since I allowed this stain on my soul, I have done nothing but make choices that are the lesser of two evils. Every time I am summoned, my greatest fear is that I will be asked to torture and kill again. What's even worse is the fear that I may enjoy it. Sometimes I can still hear the screams of my victims. It wasn't until I met Callista that I really began to feel that I was worth redeeming. Her love washed away my sins, and her trust was my absolution. I know I don't deserve her. Whatever it is she saw in me that compelled her to fall in love with me, I'm grateful she saw it, because I can't see it."

There was a calm in the wake of the storm. The two men stood mutely; there were no words that could be said to mend the rent between them. Severus was too worn out to hold onto his anger, yet he refused to be comforted by this man who, over the years, had become more than his employer and professor. In spite of it all, he knew that Dumbledore loved him like a son: a prodigal son, who had returned humbled and contrite, willing to make amends for his mistakes.

"Severus, Callista and Minerva will be here any moment. Is there anything else you wish to tell me before they arrive?" he asked, the twinkle absent from his bright blue eyes.

There were a hundred things Severus wanted to say, but he simply shook his head. Any of the things that had to do with Callista, they would tell him together. He quickly calmed himself, filing away the incident. He would deal with it later, when he could use the Pensieve. Severus removed all traces of anger from his face, replacing it with his usual grumpy look.

A knock at the door signaled the arrival of Hawkins and McGonagall. The two women entered, chatting companionably. Severus was amazed that, no matter how old they were, if you got two or more women together, they would be reduced to giggling girls. He scowled at them in disapproval.

"Severus, did anyone ever tell you that your face could freeze like that?" McGonagall joked.

"Obviously, it did," Callista said, laughing. "Severus, you need to learn to relax."

"You need to learn to be more serious, Professor Hawkins," he retorted. If you had just been here, you would know why I'm like this. Of course, maybe you can help me relax later.

Callista turned to her uncle. "Are we going to Floo or use Portkeys?"

"Portkeys are safest right now, Callista." He touched the battered teakettle with his wand. The group touched the item. "On the count of three, everyone. One...two...three..."

With the familiar jerk, they were off, swirling toward the ancient house in London.

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The four professors landed suddenly in the drawing room of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Callista seemed to have landed rather ungracefully, and grabbed onto Severus's arm to steady herself.

"Had you fallen flat on your face, I would have been convinced you were Nymphadora Tonks," he said, the corners of his mouth twisting nastily as he helped steady her.

Before Callista could come up with a suitable retort, a voice shouted, "I can hear you, you know! Besides, I'd rather land on my arse or face than touch you."

"Albus, why did you make her Portkey with the bat?" Alastor Moody asked, rescuing Callista from Snape's grasp.

If the idiots only knew the truth.... No, Moody would no doubt convince the entire Order to hex me at once, he thought bitterly. "The headmaster insisted that we all take the Portkey together. I, for one, would have preferred to travel alone."

"Just the same, Snape, I don't think it's necessary for you to manhandle the young lady," Moody growled.

Callista broke in quietly, "He wasn't manhandling me, Alastor. I just lost my balance, and Severus happened to be closest. Thank you, Severus."

Quelling the impulse to kiss her in front of everyone, the wizard bowed to her briefly. Moody threw him an infuriated scowl and fingered his wand.

"Is everyone here?" Dumbledore asked Moody, trying to head off the row that was threatening to erupt. "Was Remus feeling up to the meeting?"

"What? Oh, yeah, he's down in the kitchen. Looks pretty good, all things considered." Again casting a furious glare at Snape.

Once in the kitchen, Callista went straight to Lupin, hugging him as tightly as she could without hurting him. His lined face was scarred and he moved stiffly. The most notable improvement was that the hair that was growing back in was light brown instead of gray. His lopsided smile at the sight of Callista caused Severus to momentarily seethe with anger. At last Severus's sense caught up with him: Lupin thought of Callista as family. Hadn't the werewolf urged him to go after her that summer's evening not so long ago?

The meeting began with Molly Weasley pushing food on everyone. Severus was sorry he had ever refused to stay for a meal before--the woman could cook better than any house-elf, or maybe it was just the fact that Sirius was no longer there to make him lose his appetite. Tonks filled them in on her latest fact-finding mission. Moody announced that the Auror's Office still had no leads on the location of the Death Eater's stronghold. Finally, Snape discussed his meeting with the Dark Lord, leaving out the details of Bellatrix groping him.

"Do you have any idea where they are hiding?" McGonagall asked. "Maybe you have seen the place before?"

Severus shook his head, his hair flopping about his face. "No, I have no idea where it is."

Tonks indiscreetly coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'lying bastard' into her fist. It took all of Severus's willpower to ignore it. He noticed that Callista shot the Metamorphmagus a filthy look. He raised an eyebrow at Hawkins to warn her not to say anything.

"Do you have any inkling as to what his next move is?" Arthur Weasley inquired, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"He rarely lets me in on his plans, unless I'm going to be a part of them." How many times did he need to tell them this before they started to believe him?

Moody's blue eye spun around a few times. "Convenient, isn't it?"

"Alastor, he already told us he doesn't know," Callista mumbled wearily. "Why can't you just drop it already?"

Molly squeezed Callista's hands. "Callista, dear, they're just trying to make sure his doesn't forget any details or leave out anything that may be helpful."

Callista lifted her chin. "The point is that Severus is the only one who has direct access to Voldemort. Uncle Albus trusts him, and so should all of you. He has as much to lose as anyone else here. Badgering him won't help solve anything."

"I can handle myself well enough on my own, Hawkins. I assure you that I am accustomed to the suspicion that they constantly fling at me," Severus sneered. He hated that he was hurting her feelings by treating her so nastily. He loved that she was willing to stick up for him, but her defending him so openly could get back to the wrong people. They would sort this out later, in private.

"Sorry if not all of us are willing to accept your information completely," said a clearly sarcastic Tonks, crossing her arms over her chest.

Molly turned to Severus. "It's not that we don't trust you--"

"I really don't care what you think, Molly." Severus defensively crossed his arms.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we need to remain united. All of this bickering amongst ourselves could be our undoing." Dumbledore was on his feet, glaring at them all. "We have a lot to cover tonight, and this in-fighting serves no purpose. Arthur, do you have anything to report from your office?"

Nearly an hour later, they all rose to leave. Severus handed the Wolfsbane potion to Lupin. The werewolf thanked him kindly. Callista promised to visit him as soon as she could, thanking him once again for saving her life. Severus had the impression that she was thanking Lupin for the both of them. They Portkeyed back to the school for a nightcap with McGonagall and Dumbledore, discussing the meeting. When Callista rose rather unsteadily to her feet, Severus offered to walk her back to her quarters. She politely declined his offer before departing from the office.

Severus made his way back to his room. He lifted the wards to his office and entered. When the torches on the wall flared, he sat at his desk, making sure everything was ready for the start of the new term. A knock sounded at his door. Who the bloody hell could it be at this hour? When he opened the door, he was only slightly surprised to see a completely sober Callista standing before him.

She pushed her way into the office. "Severus, we need to talk."

He offered her a chair and seated himself at the desk. It was going to be a long night, and probably not in a good way.