Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 12: The Fallen

After taking a long and calming walk around the castle, Severus had finally been found by a house-elf. The creature politely told him that Professor Dumbledore requested his presence in the headmaster's office as soon as possible. He offhandedly acknowledged the creature and swept in that general direction. As Severus entered the headmaster's office, he saw that Callista was already seated in a chair across from Dumbledore. There was a look of shock and disbelief on her face. At the sight of him, she heaved a great sigh of relief. Outwardly he maintained his usual unconcerned facade, but inside his stomach twisted into anxious knots. What had frightened her?

"Severus, when you weren't in your quarters, I was afraid that you had been summoned by Voldemort," said Dumbledore, sweeping his eyes over the Potions Master.

Severus shook his head. "I have received no summons, sir. What have you heard?"

"Severus," whispered Callista, horror evident in her voice, "they've escaped from Azkaban, all of them. They overtook the guards, and they vanished. No one knows where they went. Do you have any ideas?"

He was dumbstruck. All of those Death Eaters back in the Dark Lord's ranks again. That many more servants willing to do his bidding. The only upside to the situation was that the escaped Death Eaters couldn't be seen in public. Still, this was very bad indeed.

"I have no idea where the stronghold is," he answered finally. "I doubt any of the Death Eaters know. When the Dark Mark is activated, I am able to Apparate to the Dark Lord's side. It is a safety measure for him; no one can come to him unless they have been summoned."

Callista stood up and began pacing back and forth. Severus could sense her fear. He wasn't accustomed to her being afraid. He wanted so badly to take her into his arms and comfort her. There was the sense that time was running out. Now that the wizarding community was aware that the Dark Lord had returned, he had no reason to work as subtlety as he had in the past. Attacks would be next, but how soon?

"Have you told Harry yet, sir?" Callista said, taking a pause in her pacing. "Keeping him in the dark isn't in his best interest. That mistake has been made enough in the past."

"Are you referring to Harry or yourself, Callista?" Dumbledore asked, surveying her calmly.

Callista returned the stare, guarding her feelings and thoughts so well Severus wasn't sure exactly what she had meant. Finally she answered softly, "Both."

Severus had to agree with her, at least where she had been concerned.

It was the middle of May, and Severus was slowly making his way up to the headmaster's office. He was dreading the conversation he was about to have with Dumbledore. The door opened, admitting the young professor. Severus drew a deep relaxing breath and attempted to clear his mind. Dumbledore looked up at him and motioned to a straight back chair in front of his desk. As he sat down, Severus felt like a student about to be reprimanded. He said in an even voice, "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Severus, there have been some rumors in the corridors concerning you and Callista Hawkins. Before I deal with them, I would like to speak with you first." The venerable gentleman watched his former student.

"I'm not sure what you are talking about, sir," the young wizard replied. He didn't know the full extent of the rumors.

"What is your relationship with Miss Hawkins? How often are you in contact with her outside of classes?"

"I am her professor and mentor. She has been working very hard on her N.E.W.T. presentation lately, so naturally she spends a good deal of time in the dungeons. I don't think I see her any more often than the other students in a similar position," he answered truthfully.

"Severus, at the beginning of the term, I told you about her father's position in the Ministry. I explained to you that any social contact with the students would be inappropriate. That has not changed. What is the extent of your relationship with Miss Hawkins?"

'Just lie,' he thought, 'you're an Occlumens, after all. You should be able to hide this from him. Then again, if he finds out, the consequences would be horrible for Callista and me.' Severus decided to answer as truthfully as he could, without giving away all of his feelings. "Headmaster, I find her to be a brilliant potions brewer, and I enjoy working with her. However, I realize that anything beyond a professional relationship will need to wait until after she finishes school."

"Are you attracted to her physically, Severus?"

Snape's stomach twisted, and he continued to carefully school his face. "She is a beautiful girl."

"Severus, I greatly appreciate your honesty in this matter. Please be assured that I am not making this inquiry to embarrass you in any way. This is strictly for your protection." Dumbledore's words were not as harsh as Severus had expected them to be. "You are one of the youngest professors the school has employed in a very long time. I know that there has been a lot of temptation flaunted in front of you that you have not succumbed to. My concern is that the jealousy of these girls may prompt them to cause problems for you. What are your feelings toward Miss Hawkins?"

Severus felt like he owed Dumbledore for trying his best to protect him, again. The young professor also had the feeling that Dumbledore was also merely confirming facts. He confessed, "Sir, I have fallen in love with her. Truly, madly, deeply in love with her, and I believe she returns those feelings. I have never had anyone like her in my life. She is more that I ever thought I would have. The gods know she is far more than I deserve."

Severus rested his head in his hands, shaking slightly. Dumbledore was silent, confirming to Severus that the headmaster had already known everything. The care in his tone was almost parental. "You are as deserving as anyone else, Severus. While I am thankful, for your sake, that you have found love, I'm sorry that it happens to be with one of your students. Are the rumors that you have been intimate with her untrue?"

"I have not touched her, sir." Severus looked up from his hands; he wanted Dumbledore to see his honesty reflected in his dark eyes. "I know what is at stake. Months ago when I was instructed to 'befriend Miss Hawkins, seduce her if need be,' I had no idea it would lead to this. I want to tell her everything. If she knows --"

"You will not tell her anything, Severus!" Dumbledore's voice was suddenly sharp, almost threatening. "Not about your involvement with Voldemort, and definitely not about your role in the Order. No one knows that you are a spy. If anyone ever suspected that she knew anything about your true loyalties, they would not hesitate to capture her and torture her. If you want to keep her safe, you cannot tell her anything.

"Sir, I don't want to build a life with her that has a foundation of lies! Nothing good can possibly come out of that," he protested. His wish was to have Callista enter fully into a relationship with him knowing what he was.

"Severus, I am warning you. If you breech your vow of secrecy to the Order, you will more than likely find yourself in an Azkaban cell. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Headmaster." Severus lowered his head. He didn't dare tell Dumbledore that he was teaching her Occlumency. If he went to Azkaban, he knew that all he would be left with the tortured memory of losing her. At least this way, there could be some hope.

Severus snapped back to the present. He felt like he had spent these last years in prison anyway. He had thought she had died, and had died hating him. It had been a long time before he had even tried to find happiness. There had been many lonely nights, many times when he had considered testing out one of the various poisons he knew how to concoct, and then the nights when he had wasted his money on some nameless girl in Knockturn Alley, only to wake up feeling more empty than before. This was all because he had followed Dumbledore's orders.

Dumbledore, of course, had known of the many atrocities that Severus had committed since he had taken the Dark Mark. Once Severus had realized that the promised power and glory would never truly be his; he had tried to atone for the heinous acts he had perpetrated, becoming a spy for the Order had been a way of receiving immunity for those crimes. Now, instead of being the powerful wizard he had always aspired to be, he was nothing more than a pathetic puppet with two masters pulling at his strings. Voldemort and Dumbledore were not that much different. Then again, Dumbledore had kept his promises. Still, at times, Severus had hated them both equally.

"What's your opinion, Severus?" Dumbledore interrupted.

Severus crossed his arms and tried not to seem overly concerned. "Does it matter? Surely this will be in the Daily Prophet by tomorrow morning."

Callista gave him a look that clearly suggested he was supposed to have taken her side in this matter. She walked over to the window without another word. Her uncle noticed the uncharacteristic silence and looked at Severus. The Potions master merely shrugged his shoulders.

With very little warning, the head of Remus Lupin appeared in the fireplace. The usually composed man's countenance was panic-stricken.

"Professor Dumbledore, are you there?" the disembodied head shouted.

The three professors gathered to the fireplace, as Dumbledore answered, "Remus, have you heard anything more?"

"There has been a Death Eater attack outside of Winchester. We need anyone you can spare."

Severus straightened up. "I'll go."

Callista grabbed his arm. "Don't be daft, Severus, you can't go."

"Why ever not?"

"They are Death Eaters. What if you're seen? I'll go," Callista said, reaching for the Floo powder.

"You aren't even a member of the Order!" Severus snapped, grabbing her wrist.

"If you haven't been summoned yet, maybe that means Voldemort doesn't trust you as much as you thought. Besides, I blend into the Muggle world better than you do. What if they need a Healer?" Callista asked, trying to reason with him.

"You aren't a fully qualified Healer," he argued.

"I'm the best we have after Poppy," she countered.

"Callista, if you're coming, we need you now," Remus interrupted.

"I'll be right there, Remus. Move out of the way. Uncle Albus, I'll send word as soon as I can." Callista glanced at Severus before announcing her destination and disappearing in a flash of green flames.

A flash of green light...He couldn't let himself think like that; she would be fine. He stared into the empty fireplace. She was with Lupin, and Severus knew that the werewolf would protect her to the death. A chill suddenly caught him. She was right, he had not been summoned, and that was unusual. Possibly the Dark Lord's trust in him was beginning to wane. That lack of trust could prove deadly.

"Callista has told me that the two of you have reached an agreement. I'm pleased to hear that the you will no longer try to hex each other in the back, or physically harm one another." Dumbledore's eyes began to twinkle. "Still, I get the sense that she is trying to hold something back. Do you have any idea what that might be, Severus?"

"You would need to ask her, sir. I --" he broke off, clutching his forearm as the acidic pain scorched his flesh. Severus dropped to his knees, cradling his arm. "It's him."

Immediately Dumbledore's expression became wary. "Go, find out what you can. Be careful, Severus."

Severus nodded and departed from the office with a swish of his black robes. Swiftly he made his way from the castle to the Apparation point in the forest. Before he went to join the Death Eaters, he took the time to clear his mind, to bury all thoughts of Callista and the prospect of having a life with her. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his Dark Mark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A dank, musty smell filled his nose. He blinked his eyes to adjust to the dim light.

"Severus." The sound of a female voice speaking his name caused him to inwardly start. Bellatrix Lestrange was at his back. He felt her hands slide around his waist, smoothing the front of his robe, caressing him intimately. "We freed them. All who were taken at the Ministry are back in the fold!"

Severus wiped the emotion from his mind, fighting against his frustrated body's reaction to her touch. "Are we celebrating their release, Bella?"

An evil smile twisted her once lovely face. "We celebrated a bit already. We killed off a few Muggle-borns outside of Winchester, foul little things they were. I can still smell the house burning."

"Pity I missed it," he said with a hint of remorse. He had a vague idea who lived in that area.

"Stupid beasts called for help. We managed to take out a few Aurors as well," she laughed viciously. "Some of Dumbledore's people showed up to help the nonexistent survivors. Bianca and I hexed them to hell and back."

"Any idea who they were?" he asked, sounding eager. Dear gods, I hope Callista wasn't there yet.

"The filthy werewolf was there, the blood-traitor twins, and someone I didn't recognize, a young woman with brown hair. She put up an incredible fight, though." Bella pulled on his arm. "Come along, Severus. Bianca and I have missed you."

Severus tried not to think about what he had just heard. He let Bella steer him down a torch lit corridor. Abruptly she stopped, sniffing him appraisingly. "Severus, whatever have you been up to? Such a sexy, frustrated aroma you have. Trying to get off with one of your students?"

"You know I'm not that fatuous, Bella. I learned my lesson about involving myself with a student a long time ago," he sneered indignantly.

"Well, Bianca and I will make sure you relax and enjoy yourself tonight." Bella licked her lips seductively. "Rodolphus doesn't mind sharing me, and Bianca has been lonely since Robert died."

"I'm looking forward to it." He was hoping for a way to gracefully retreat.

Bianca McKeen made her way over to Severus, her eyes hungrily sweeping him from head to toe. His skin crawled at the thought of her touching him. "Severus Snape, you are such a welcome sight. The nights have been so empty and forlorn since my Robert died. "

"That will need to wait, ladies," interrupted Rodolphus Lestrange, striding over to them as he glared at his wife. "The Master wishes to speak with you, Snape."

Severus raised an eyebrow before following Lestrange to a side door. He welcomed the opportunity to escape from the two witches, even if it was to face the Dark Lord. Upon entering the room, he dropped to his knees, kissing the hem of Voldemort's robe.

"Arise, Severus," he demanded coldly, as Severus rose to his feet. "Your brethren have been freed. I felt they had been punished enough."

"Your might is apparent, Master," Severus said, keeping his head lowered.

"We also managed to fell a few members of Dumbledore's Order as well as some Aurors. I went by the description Bella gave me, and I believe that Callista Hawkins was among those slain. No Killing Curse, nothing that kind and gentle. Their endings were painful." Voldemort stared at Severus with his eerie, penetrating, scarlet eyes. "How do you feel about this?"

Severus met his gaze and replied evenly. "Each loss to the Order weakens their strength. Potter will languish over the loss of his friends and mentors."

"Severus, I asked about your personal feelings on their demise."

"The werewolf was one of my childhood tormentors; I will celebrate his death. The Weasleys no longer hold any interest to me. Hawkins was a valuable source of information, her insights to Potter and Dumbledore had been helpful," he said, his voice devoid of emotion.

"Will you miss her, Severus?"

Severus carefully created an uncaring image toward Callista.

"No, I will not, Master."

"Return to Hogwarts, Severus," the Dark Lord commanded. "I will summon you soon."

Severus bowed low before Voldemort, concealing his emotions. He quietly swept from the chamber, not daring to feel anything. He conentrated on the Forbidden Forest and Disapparated with a muffled pop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the familiar sight of the trees, Severus broke into a run. The underbrush snagged at his robes, causing him to trip and fall, as he raced toward the castle. Severus was panting and wheezing in his anxiety to get to Dumbledore's office. The palm of his one hand was bleeding and his left knee was sore. A house-elf -- Winky, he assumed as she was wearing clothes -- met him in the Entrance Hall and escorted him to the infirmary. His breath was choking him as he burst through the doors. The infirmary reeked of blood and burnt flesh. He searched the beds looking for Callista's body.

"Severus, you need to sit and catch your breath. You are not a boy anymore." Madam Pomfrey was trying to force him into a chair.

"Were there...any...survivors?" he gasped, not allowing the mediwitch to shove him into the nearest chair.

"Sit!" Poppy commanded.

He slumped into the chair, trying to breathe. He grasped at his hair, struggling against the burning sensation behind his eyes. She can't be dead. I would have felt it if she died. I finally just got her back; I can't lose her for good.

A firm hand was on his shaking shoulder. He looked up into the eyes of Albus Dumbledore. The old man's eyes were dull. Severus felt the anguish rise within him. He fought against the howl that threatened to escape his lips. Dumbledore spoke softly, "Do you want to see her?"

Severus stood numbly and followed the headmaster to the far end of the infirmary. Each step added to the weight in his heart. The face of the woman in the bed was bruised, and she had sustained some burns. He would touch her face one last time and kiss her good-bye. So close, they had been so close, if only he had welcomed her back into his life sooner. He pressed his lips to her still-warm forehead. Warm?

"Severus?" The voice was hoarse and exhausted.

"Callista?" His own answer was thick with emotion. "I thought I lost you. I was told you were..."

"We were too late. They killed the family and the rookie Auror that was paired with Kingsley. Fred and George were injured, but I don't know how badly. If it wasn't for Remus..." She trailed off her energy drained.

"Lupin?"

"He dove in front of me; he took the brunt of the Flaming Hex. No one will tell me anything," she whispered, tears leaking from the corners of her closed eyes.

Lupin had protected her. Severus suddenly felt a surge of gratitude to the werewolf. The only decent Marauder was freed from his pain and affliction.

Dumbledore's comforting voice reached his ears. "Callista, Remus will be fine. His injuries are severe, but he will recover, as will Fred and George. Kingsley Shacklebolt died a hero to the cause. If it hadn't been for you, we would have lost George as well. Rest for now, Callista. I need to talk to Severus, but he won't be gone long."

"Please, let him stay until I'm sleeping." Her voice was insistent.

"I'm not going anywhere, Callista." Severus was smoothing a few singed strands of hair from her face with his graceful fingers. "Just rest and heal. I promise to be here when you wake up."

She nodded, and in a moment her breathing became quiet and even as she drifted off. Severus sat there, stubbornly refusing to move. He held onto her hand, willing his strength into her weakened body. She would pull through: she was young and strong and far too obstinate to give up.

"Severus, we need to talk. Did you learn anything else?" Dumbledore asked insistently.

"No." The reply was short and bitter. If he had been able to come back with some useful information, he would have felt less distressed. He should never have let her go.

"Do you want to see Remus? Poppy has him sedated, but he may realize that you are there. He did nearly sacrifice his life for hers--"

"You think I don't know that! I am indebted to my enemy for risking his tortured life to save hers. I know that I owe him!" Severus snarled, causing the old man to back away.

"I know you are angry, Severus. I knew your feelings for her had never faded, and now you must decide how best to protect her."

The professor's voice was low and threatening. "There is one decision I have made, and that is to never lie to her or keep any secrets from her ever again. If you plan on ordering me to do either of those things, then you can just go bugger off now. I will not keep anything from her. Following your orders caused me to lose her fifteen years ago. I refuse to make the same mistake twice."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas slipped by without anyone knowing or caring. The casualties recovered at the school infirmary; it was far more secure than St. Mungo's in London. Fred and George Weasley were no longer identical. George had been hit in the face with a Bone Shattering hex. He would require extensive treatment at St. Mungo's, and they couldn't guarantee that he could be fully restored. Neither of them were joking or laughing, and to see the twins so somber was heartbreaking. Molly had heard how Callista and Remus had rushed to George's aid when the Death Eaters had him cornered, risking their own lives. To thank Remus, they offered to have him stay at the Burrow until he was strong enough to return to Grimmauld Place.

Remus was the most severely injured of the group. In addition to several broken bones, he had sustained serious burns and was plastered from head to toe with a burn paste that Severus concocted specially for him. His recovery was going to be a long and difficult one. Severus still could not find the words to thank him. Remus seemed to understand and left the gratitude as one of those things that the two men would never need to discuss. The werewolf was very concerned about Callista and inquired about her welfare as soon as he could speak.

New Year's Eve was upon them, and Callista grew stronger by the day. Severus visited her daily, bringing her reading materials, mostly Shakespeare and Jane Austen. Once or twice he saw Potter talking with her quietly. Callista would sit there nodding at him, sympathy etched in her face. The two students who had been killed, Diana and Michael Harris, both of Ravenclaw, were members of his little defense group. Severus noted that Michael had been in his N.E.W.T. Potions class, a rather gifted brewer. Diana had only been a second year, but he vaguely remembered that she had been one of the better students in her year. Was this going to be the plot: kill off any Muggleborns who had the potential to be powerful?

Potter noticed the Potions master waiting off to the side and stood up to leave. As the two passed each other, Severus noticed the exhaustion on the younger man's face. As he watched Harry make his way over to the Weasleys, he was struck with how different he seemed from James. He still looked like his father, but there was a seriousness about him that James never had.

Severus sat down in the vacated chair next to Callista's bed. Her outward injuries were healing nicely. She had suffered some internal damage, but the steady stream of potions that Madam Pomfrey had been giving her were producing rapid improvements. He smiled at her.

She looked at him desperately. "Severus, you've got to get me out of here. Poppy is driving me mad. She won't let me do anything but rest. She wakes me up in the middle of the night to ask me if I need anything to help me sleep. Please find a way to convince her that I can leave."

"You haven't fully recovered. If she says you need to stay, then you should stay," he asserted coolly, raising an eyebrow because he knew it would irritate her.

Callista glared at him for a moment, before switching to a sly smile. "I'll make it worth your while, Severus."

There was a fleeting, startled look on his face. "I highly doubt you're up to that."

"No, I'm not up to that, but I have other things you might be interested in," she said. Intrigued he nodded for her to continue. "If you can convince Poppy to let me return to my own quarters, I'll split the unicorn placenta and the placental blood with you. Sound fair?"

"You may still find you need around the clock care, Callista," he said, dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

"Shame you aren't much of a healer. Then again, you have been brewing a lot of the healing potions I've been taking. I suppose you'll manage to muddle through taking care of me." Her eyes sparkled, and he could see that her spirit was returning. "You can carry me back to my quarters so I don't get overexerted."

"Callista, I am not twenty-two anymore. So unless you're planning on my taking your place in the infirmary, I will need to use a Hover Charm."

"Good enough. Just get me out of here." Her warm smile was a reward in and of itself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Madam Pomfrey released Callista from hospital wing after dinner that evening. She strongly cautioned the witch to stay in bed as much as possible to rest. The school nurse shot a few pointed looks at Severus when he stopped by to escort her to her quarters. She managed the first flight of stairs, before admitting that she hadn't recovered as much as she originally thought. With two flights to go, Severus used the Hover Charm to finish the journey.

Once inside her private chambers, he lifted her into his arms and carried her over to the bed. She leaned back into the pillows and breathed a sigh of relief. "Finally I'll be able to get a good night's sleep, without being drugged senseless."

"You should get your rest, or Poppy will have my head," he said, sitting in the armchair next to her bed. Now that they were alone, he allowed his emotions to show. "I thought I'd lost you. I was summoned after you left. Bellatrix Lestrange was there and she told me what happened. I'm beginning to suspect that their account was meant to test me."

"You're probably right. If Fawkes hadn't shown up, we all would have been dead. I didn't realize how powerful Bellatrix had become. They lost two of their novices. Very young men, just out of school I think." She sat up, wincing from either the action or the memories, he couldn't tell which.

Marcus Flint was one of the young Death Eaters who fell; the other person was unknown, most likely a Durmstang student.

"It was terrible, Severus. I really thought George was dead. And the family...Diana was one of my best students. I can't believe that she and her brother are gone. Kingsley Shacklebolt was one of the Aurors who helped me with my personal defense training..." Callista leaned forward burying her face in her hands, shaking as the reality of the past events caught up with her.

Severus reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. At his touch, her grieving intensified, and he instinctively moved to sit beside her, gathering her into his arms. He simply held her, feeling her tears soak the front of his jacket. When at last her anguish subsided, he tipped her head back, kissing her gently.

"Stay with me, please. I don't want to be alone," she said, meeting his gaze. For the first time, he noticed that she had put up a wall around her thoughts, shielding him from the horror she had witnessed.

He answered by kissing her again, more deeply, but still with a tenderness only Callista would have known he possessed. Severus placed her back against the pillows, his face expressing a desire that only she could fulfill. Callista's fingers caressed the familiar line of his jaw, smiling softly at him. Even though it would more than likely drive him over the edge, he would wait until she had fully recovered.

That night she slept peacefully in the shelter of his embrace. He stayed awake simply watching her sleep, cherishing the soft warmth of her next to him. It surprised him that for now it was satisfying enough just to hold her. Slowly as slumber claimed him his last thought was: This is how these last fifteen years should have been -- her at my side.