Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 10: Secrets, Lies and Promises

Dumbledore and McGonagall slipped quietly out of the office. Callista and Severus stood facing each other, taking care to avoid eye contact.

"I'm sorry I struck you," Callista whispered, finally daring to look at him.

"I was out of line to accuse you of sleeping with Potter." He looked at her and asked the question that had been bothering him since the start of term. "Why did you come back, Callista? One of the Aurors could teach him hand-to-hand combat, and Dumbledore certainly could spare a weekly hour or two to teach him Occlumency."

"You should know that answer. The connection between the two made it too dangerous for Uncle Albus... at least until Harry had the ability to sense when his mind was being penetrated," she argued, pacing back and forth.

Severus knew she was trying to hide something from him. "I'm sure he would have been able to make progress with Potter, in spite of the connection between the boy and the Dark Lord. Just tell me why you came back."

She sighed softly. "I came back to protect someone and to keep a promise."

"Potter?" he asked, knowing that she had been friends with Lily and James.

"Yes, but not only for him," she answered.

"Then who else?"

Her forehead wrinkled in frustration. "Damn it, Severus, are you so thick that I have to spell it out for you? I came back to protect you!"

"To protect me from what? I am more than capable of taking care of myself. I have been doing just that every single day since you left!" His voice rose in anger with every syllable. She had disappeared without a trace more than fifteen years ago, and now she suddenly decided to worry about him? For fifteen years, he had played out his double agent role, knowing that any day he could be discovered. There had been times he had switched between the sides so quickly, he hadn't known where his loyalties lay.

Callista's lips trembled slightly. "I deserve that. I deserve for you to never speak to me again. Severus, there has been so much I have kept from you. When I told you I was here to teach Harry, I lied. Uncle Albus has been in contact with me ever since Voldemort returned. I have no idea how he found me. I was in Brazil, researching rain forest plants with a group of Muggles from the States. In June, he told me that I was needed here, and he would explain everything when I arrived. It started off that I was only supposed to help Harry work through his grief. When it became necessary for him to learn the Dark Arts, I was here to keep you from slipping back under the dark influence."

"Why you?"

She laughed without a trace of humor. "That should be obvious. Who else would care about your welfare? Harry is the one destined to fight, so of course, everyone worries about him. You, on the other hand, are very important to the Order, but would they really care if anything happened to you? Not really, unless you posed a threat to the security if the Order. My uncle wanted to prevent that from happening, not just because of the potential danger, but because he does care about you. He felt if you started to fall, I was the only one with a chance of bringing you back. He didn't count on you being so bitter towards me."

Severus didn't say anything. It wasn't until he felt her take his hand that he could even bring himself to look at her. Since he had been cleared of all charges, why didn't she come back right away? He swallowed hard. "When you learned I was innocent, why did you stay away?"

"I can't tell you." He opened his mouth to speak, but her fingers stilled his lips. "I want to show you. Severus, you need to open your mind to me, completely. I want to use Partis Monumentio. I will start off with a memory that we have in common, and then I will take you into memories that are my own. Will you agree to allow this?"

Partis Monumentio was an obscure spell similar to Legilimency. It worked by beginning with a thought that the target and the caster had in common. Unlike Legilimency, which could be forced on another, Partis Monumentio could only be done with the target's cooperation. Severus himself had never used the technique. He had only ever heard of it being used to aid those suffering from memory loss. He nodded and made an effort to relax. It was extremely difficult to strip away the layers of mental barricades he had built up over the years; however, he succeeded. For the first time in ages he was totally unguarded. It made him feel vulnerable.

Callista lovingly ran her fingers through his hair until they rested over his temples. She stared into the black depths of his eyes and whispered, "Partis Monumentio."

As their minds connected, he saw flashes of their brief life together. The memory that she began with was one he remembered all too well.

The mid-October sun cast a pattern of shadow and golden light on the entwined bodies. Severus and Callista were resting in each other's embrace. As she ran her fingers through the sparse hair on his chest, she admired the ring on her hand. It was very simple: a pearl flanked by two garnets. He was, after all, a schoolteacher, and even a school like Hogwarts didn't pay very well. She didn't mind that he wasn't wealthy. He loved her for who she was, and she loved him.

"What excuse did you give my uncle in order to get away from the castle?" Callista asked.

"I'm picking up potion ingredients of a time sensitive nature, which I actually did need to do," he answered, tracing lazy patterns on her hip. "Did I tell you that Professor Fencer is retiring at the end of the school year?"

"The Ancient Runes teacher who took over as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? Wait, isn't he Head of Slytherin House?"

"Yes, to both. Since I'm the only other staff member who was from Slytherin, I'll be Head of House next year," he said, a proud smile on his lips. "That will make me the youngest Head in the last four centuries."

She smiled. "That's great. Only meetings like this won't be possible anymore. You can't leave a House full of students to come see me. You won't even get holidays off anymore."

"I will get one weekend off a month and one evening each week to go into Hogsmeade. Maybe we could meet then?" he suggested. Suddenly, his prospective promotion had lost its appeal. He fervently hoped that by next year things would be easier, more secure.

"I could come back for Quidditch games, except Gryffindor versus Slytherin, of course," Callista giggled. "Anyway that's next year. How do you want to spend Christmas?"

"It doesn't matter, as long as I'm spending it with you." He kissed the top of her head. "How is your apprenticeship going? Have you managed to blow anything up yet?"

"Sadly, no, I'm doing mostly research now. I wouldn't mind the book work if it didn't take so long. Master Foxglove insists on pages upon pages of hypothesis before allowing us to start any actual work. He is worse than you were." Her bell-like laughter filled the room.

"Very funny, Miss Hawkins, I should put you in detention for that." He buried his nose in her hair, taking in the fragrance of lavender and vanilla. The sight and smell of her began to arouse him again. He felt complete every time he touched her.

"You're sniffing me again." She giggled and squirmed as he buried his nose in her hair.

"I can't help it. I think my nose is addicted to you." He continued to nuzzle her neck, one hand insistently tracing the curve of her side.

"I have something I want to tell you, Severus." She caught his hand in her own. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Just promise you won't be angry with me."

Before he could answer, a burning pain flared in his left forearm. He covered it as he sat up.

"What's wrong?"

"Callista, I have to go. I'll be back as soon as I can." He began summoning his discarded clothing. As he yanked on his trousers, Callista screamed. When the Mark had burned, the concealment charm had been broken. She had seen the Dark Mark on his arm.

"You're one of them!" She pulled the sheet tightly around herself and pointed her wand at him.

"Damn it, Callista, put your wand down! I'll explain everything when I get back!" He reached to touch her arm.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

The accusation in her eyes seared him. He pulled his shirt over his head. "Please, I don't have time to explain, but I'm not -"

"GET OUT!" She tried to stun him.

He couldn't bring himself to hex her. "Callista, I told you to put your effing wand down!"

"If you come near me, I swear I'll hex you deaf, blind, and stupid!" Her fear-driven fury was causing her wand to spark.

"I love you, just remember that." Severus took a deep breath and Disapparated.

Callista frantically dressed, trying to decide what to do next. Her first instinct was to ward herself in and summon help. Who would come to her aid? Certainly not her father; he had thrown her out of the family home when she had told her parents about Severus. The worst part was that her father had been right to suspect him. Wards wouldn't hold long; surely she was now next on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's execution list! Even if they spared her life, she knew what would become of her--the rest of her life spent producing a new generation of Death Eaters. One thing was certain, she couldn't stay here. Once outside of her flat, she cried great racking sobs. Her life, her beautiful, happy life, was over. She had to leave, but first she would talk to Lily. Yes, she would tell Lily everything, and she would get to see baby Harry one more time. She calmed herself and Apparated to her friend's home.

A young woman with red hair was playing in the garden with a little boy. The messy-haired toddler was waddling about on his chubby, unsteady legs. Callista ran straight to the arms of her friend, crying as if her heart would break.

"Callista, what happened?" asked Lily Potter, gathering the girl in her embrace.

"It's Severus; he's a Death Eater! I saw the Mark on his arm. Oh, Lily, what am I going to do? I can't go back to my flat. I'm so scared. He was using me to get information on my father. All this time I really thought he loved me. I don't know what to do." Callista collapsed to her knees.

"Lily, come inside quickly. I have to leave. There's been an attack at the Prewett's place." James was running out the door to his wife. He scooped little Harry up and took him inside. "Sirius is coming to guard you until I get back. Put up every ward. I'll be home as soon as I can. Callista, what are you doing here?"

"She'll be staying for the night. James, please be careful." Lily kissed her husband before he Disapparated. She turned to Callista. "Tell me what you need."

Before she could say anything more, Sirius Black entered the house, sealing the door behind him. He flashed her one of his handsome, beaming smiles. "Excellent! They sent me a beautiful reinforcement. What's wrong?"

"I just found out that I've been sleeping with a Death Eater for the last four months."

"What?"

"Severus has the Dark Mark!" She sat, crying angrily as she told them what happened. Sirius was pacing back and forth, swearing under his breath. Callista's voice had dropped to a whisper. "The worst part is I'm carrying his child. The baby will be born in May."

Lily and Sirius were stunned. Sirius broke the silence. "I'll kill him myself for this."

"I don't know what to do. I'm not ending this pregnancy. I just can't!" Callista felt so lost and vulnerable.

Lily held her tightly. "Stay here with us for a few days. We'll help you think of something."

Sometime in the middle of the night, she awoke to the sound of James and Sirius talking.

"They got Fabian and Gideon and their families. Both wives and the children, even Gideon's youngest daughter. Damn it, she was barely even two years old!" James pressed his hands to his eyes, nearly breaking his glasses, and sank to the floor.

Callista couldn't move. A cold fear swept through her. The Death Eaters had no qualms about killing defenseless babies. She had to find a way to get away, before Severus found her. Callista heard Lily's mild voice as she urged James to come with her to look in on his son.

Sirius came in to check on her. "I guess you heard everything. Callista, I already talked to Master Foxglove. I told him we just learned that you were marked for death. Don't worry, I didn't say why. He said you are not to come in until it's safe to do so, and not to worry about your apprenticeship."

"Who knows about me so far?" Callista sat up, feeling a wave of nausea wash over her.

Sirius answered, "James, Lily and I are the only ones. Do you want us to tell Dumbledore?"

"No!"

"Snivellus might try to go after some other girl next, Callista," Sirius said, trying to reason with her.

"He won't." She was close to tears.

"You don't know that." He was attempting to be sensitive. "This has to be so painful for you. I can't believe he would do this to you of all people."

"What am I going to do, Sirius?" She leaned forward, willing herself not to vomit.

Sirius rubbed her back. "I have an idea. Just hear me out."

"What is it?" Callista mumbled into her hands.

"Marry me."

She stared at him in disbelief. "You're insane!"

"That's not true. I want to marry you. You would have the protection of the Black name. I'll take care of you, Callista." Sirius was holding her hand.

She shook her head. "You don't have to. This is my mess, and I'll just sort it out as best I can. I have plenty of money, so that is one thing I don't have to worry about that. I just wish I could fix things with my parents. They hated him because he was a Slytherin. My father was always asking me questions about him. "

"If you marry me, they may come around. I work with your dad, and he seems to like me. You won't need to quit your apprenticeship. Look, we won't even need to make it a anything but a legal marriage. If we can't make it work, then we just go our separate ways, and you get to keep the Black name if you want it. I don't want you doing this on your own," Sirius said to her.

"This baby isn't yours. You hate Severus. Why would you want to raise his child? What if you ever wanted a real marriage with me; could you get over the fact that he was with me first?" Callista asked. No matter how earnest Sirius was, she had a hard time believing that he really loved her enough for them to have any real happiness. At least not the kind of happiness she had thought she was going to have with Severus.

"This kid didn't pick his father. I will care about this baby because it came from you. I may not be perfect, but I want to give your child a family." Sirius fell silent for a few moments. "As for him being with you, I don't know how I'll get over that. I know what a good person you are, and he took advantage of that fact."

"I don't know."

"Just promise me you'll think about it." Sirius wrapped his arm lightly around her shoulders. She leaned into him. "In the meantime, we need to make sure he can't get to you. Send him an owl asking him to meet with you. One of our Aurors will pose as you, and we will capture him. Once he's in Azkaban, you and the baby will be safe."

"Don't take him at Hogwarts," she pleaded. "It's too risky. There are students who could get hurt or worse. He is far too powerful. Wait until Halloween; it will be easier for him to slip away from the castle. We were planning to meet at the Three Broomsticks anyway." Callista paused. "I don't think we will ever be safe, Sirius. There is no way that you can be sure to get every single Death Eater.

"No, we can't, but there's only one I'm concerned about getting." There was a fierce look on his face. A look that said Sirius would hex first and ask questions later.

Callista started crying. "He was the single greatest mistake of my life. Sirius, I can't believe that I stood up for him. I played right into his hands."

"You didn't know. I remember the greasy little bastard from school: evil, rotten and twisted. Don't worry, he can't hurt you ever again." Sirius kissed her softly on the lips. "I'll take care of you, no matter what happens. At the end of next week, I want you to leave for France. There is a safehouse in San Michele; stay there and I'll come for you after Halloween."

Callista left for France, still unsure about accepting his offer. Three weeks later she learned that Lily and James were dead. Murdered by Voldemort. Harry had managed to survive the attack with nothing more than a scar on his forehead. Sirius, whom she had trusted, was accused of betraying the Potters to Voldemort. At the time when Voldemort had been attacking the Potter's home, Sirius and a small detail of Aurors had been waiting for Severus near The Three Broomsticks. Rita Skeeter had reported that Sirius took great delight in telling Severus that the Death Eater's mercifully unnamed lover had tipped them off to his whereabouts for the evening.

Dumbledore pleaded his case, insisting that he was not a Death Eater. Without ever setting foot in Azkaban, Severus had been released. Severus had been cleared of Death Eater charges. But although he had been freed, there was still a tremendous amount of suspicion surrounding him. Callista's own mind had been riddled with doubt. She had no idea whom she could trust anymore.

Her decision was made when she discovered that she was believed to have been killed the same night as the Potters. Although the authorities hadn't been sure if she had been murdered by Black or by Voldemort. Voldemort was gone, but so was her life. In spite of the fact that many of the people accused of being Death Eaters said they had been under the influence of the Imperius Curse, Callista was sure they had lied. She knew they would come after her. She felt that Sirius would have informed them about her pregnancy. If she truly wanted to escape the Death Eaters, she felt it was safer to keep moving for as long as possible. She left France the next day.

There were fleeting scenes of Rome, Athens and Cairo, the ancient cities where she traveled. At last they settled near the temple site in Jerusalem.

Callista walked through the crowded streets. Her back was bowed oddly, one hand rested on the swell of her belly. She sat on a nearby wall to rest.

"Are you in need of anything, miss? Food, lodgings, we always help out our own." An old woman was watching her with steady eyes from behind a veil.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're a witch, aren't you? If you need a place to stay, we will welcome you and your child. No questions asked. If anyone comes looking for you, we can hide you. You'll be needing a midwife soon. Do you have a name?"

"Fial."

"Not your real name, but it matters not, dear. Now come along."

More images flashed by.

There was an intense pain, a feeling of being stretched and crushed at the same time. It grew more and more violent with each contraction. Callista was supported by a woman on each side, her red face shining with sweat. She bore down repeatedly in an attempt to bring the child into the world. At last, with a stifled cry, she succeeded. Two of the women attended to her, while the third cleaned up the tiny, limp form. Fear squeezed at Callista's heart; she had struggled during the birth for so long, she was sure her son had not survived. It took what seemed to be an eternity for the infant to make a sound. Finally, the thin wail filled her ears.

"A little man for you. See, his hair is thick and black. Does he look like his father?"

Callista nodded. The baby had bright, black eyes set in a tiny, pale face surrounded by a mass of jet black hair. Her son, their son, he was so beautiful and perfect. An innocent being created to be partly Callista and partly Severus.

"What happened to the father, Fial?"

She held the bundle close to her. Tears were streaming from her eyes, while agony was pouring from her soul. Her voice was barely a whisper. "He died."

Severus broke the connection. His mind was reeling from the shock of this revelation. A son! He had a son, and Callista had kept him hidden. "Where is he?"

"He's gone. He died a few days later. The witches tried everything they could think of, but he was just so ill. I thought maybe I had handled some ingredients I shouldn't have before I had found out. Maybe it had been from being on the run." Her voice was dead and hollow. "All I could think about was protecting him; that's why I left Britain in the first place. I knew about what horrible things Death Eaters do to babies; I knew I couldn't let that happen. Even after you had been cleared, there were others who had escaped, who would have carried out the tradition. I knew that they would come after us. It was wrong and cowardly, and in the end it didn't make a difference. I lost him, and I could not bring myself to face you."

Severus sank limply to the sofa. He had known that there were spells that the Death Eaters would performed on infants to bind the babies to the Dark Arts. He also had known that sometimes those innocent lives did not survive. Bianca's child had died when it had been improperly cast, a child that very well could have been his. Now in spite of everything Callista had done to protect their child, he had died anyway. His voice cracked as he asked, "Did he have a name?"

"Brian Godric. He was so beautiful and perfect. Part of me died with him." Callista sat beside him, holding his hands. "The night after he died, I had a dream. Lily and James were there, holding him. They promised to care for him. They asked me to help Harry when the time came. Severus, our son is at peace, and I want us to be part of that peace. I promised him that I would do everything in my power to keep you from slipping into the Darkness again. That's why I came back. I can't lose you, too."

Her hand came up to the side of his face. He leaned into her palm, wondering at the warmth of it. Suddenly, he was consumed by the guilt of hiding his role in the Order from her. He had been so afraid of losing her love if she had ever learned about the crimes he had committed in the Dark Lord's service. He should have gone against Dumbledore's orders. He should have told her everything from the start. If he had been honest, she never would have been forced to run. Had she stayed, their son might still be alive.

Severus thought about all of the moments he had missed: the thrill of hearing the news, feeling the child move within her, and holding him after he was born. Moments they would never have: first steps, first spells, or seeing him off on the school train.

His eyes began to burn, and his throat constricted. Tears began to slide down his cheeks. He had cried so few times in his life, it shocked him that he even remembered how. This time the loss was so profound that he couldn't even fathom it. He felt as if he were being dragged down under water. He was struggling to draw a breath into his cramped lungs. Why was he grieving for someone he had never even known about until now?

Callista pulled him to her, comforting him as no one else ever could. Through their shared loss, they found that their hearts were forever bound by the creation of their son. Finally, Severus realized the truth, that he couldn't live without her love. Neither knew how much strength they had to give, but they knew sharing it would make it enough. He clung to her and wept openly.