Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 13: Choices to Make, and Paths to Take

A week and a day into the new year found Severus Snape moving restlessly about the castle grounds. In three days, he was to resume Potter's Dark Arts training. A training for which the headmaster had yet to explain the purpose. While Potter was correctly saying the incantations and doing the wand motions--and for some of the less arduous ones, no wand movement or incantation was needed--he continually stopped the spells short of their full potential. Potter was becoming more powerful than Severus cared to admit; the boy was nearly his equal. Yet Severus felt that an impasse had been reached. The boy had no desire to truly harm him, even though Severus knew perfectly well that, after five and a half years of the boy being in his class, he could beg to differ. Perhaps Callista had been correct--it was all a waste of time and effort. Severus had a choice to make, and he knew he was the only one who could do so.

Severus met up with Callista near the faculty entrance to the Great Hall. She was down to taking only one potion twice a day, to finish healing an excessively stubborn muscle spasm. There was a bit of spring back in her step, and she had regained her spicy nature.

He asked her nonchalantly, "Should you be doing this much walking?"

"Don't you start," she snipped. Her tone surprised him. "Sorry, but I just spent the last half hour being poked at and prodded by Madam Pomfrey. Needless to say, she needs someone to smother--I mean mother, since Remus left for the Burrow. It wasn't much fun."

"That's why I avoid the infirmary whenever possible." He had spent his share of time under Poppy's suffocating care when he had been a student. "Do you have plans for the evening?"

"Unfortunately, I will be talking with Uncle Albus. I'm trying to talk him into discontinuing Harry's Dark Arts training, unless you still think it's prudent." There was a hint of accusation as she spoke.

He stoically considered what she had said. "Headmaster Dumbledore has a very sound reason for this training, even if he hasn't shared it with any of us."

"Severus, do you really believe that?" Callista demanded, looking him squarely in the eye.

He felt the telltale shuffling of her sorting through his thoughts and emotions. He wrenched eyes from hers, angered by the intrusion. "I thought we agreed a long time ago never to use Legilimency on each other."

Callista refused to be chastised. She spoke calmly to him. "Severus, I thought we also agreed to be honest with each other. I know you think the headmaster's plan is next to insane. The question I have is: why are you still conceding to his wishes? Do you miss the Dark Arts that much? Do you relish hurting Harry? Is this some pathetic way of getting back at James?"

Her words sliced him like a dull knife, leaving his conscience to bleed. Was it that he had become so addicted to the seductive feeling of domination as he cast the spells? Partly. For so long, his life had been so devoid of any true meaning that, yes, he had reveled in the afterglow of the spells, only to feel the need to cast them repeatedly. Did he enjoy causing the boy pain? A very perverse portion of him did, the same portion that saw James every single time he looked at the boy.

"You don't need to answer me right now. I just want you to consider why you are complying when you obviously aren't in total agreement. Severus, I'm terrified for both of you, but especially you. Each spell you cast makes you more and more Voldemort's servant. What if he reclaims you?" Callista's hands had slipped into his, as if she were attempting to bring him into the light, to drag him away from the darkness.

"Callista, we need to discuss this in private. In a few days the students will return, and we will need to be very discreet," he asserted firmly, ending the conversation for now. He did allow a slight hint of softness to creep into his eyes.

"I understand," she whispered, carefully arranging her thoughts in such a way that he never would have guessed that this woman had any feelings for him whatsoever.

She turned to enter the Great Hall through the staff door at the far end of the narrow hallway. Severus turned toward the staircase leading to the dungeon. Once inside his office, he returned his gloves and scarf to the wardrobe and hung up his cloak to dry by the fire. He flopped into his wingback chair, remembering the events that had brought about their Legilimency treaty.

During a Potions class in mid-March, Callista and Severus were having yet another ingredient debate. Severus remembered what Buxley had said about her purposefully monopolizing his time during lessons because she fancied him. After a month of trying to discover her motives, he finally decided to take a sojourn into her mind to see what her current feelings towards him were. He took the opportunity when she defiantly locked eyes with him. He sifted among the usual layers, trying to find her motive for these continued arguments.

The moment he found the part of her mind reserved for her thoughts about him, she jerked back, breaking the connection with him. When he glanced at her, he saw that her face was darkened with anger. The incensed expression on her face was similar to what he would have expected had he slipped his hand under the front of her robes. She had realized what he was doing, and she was far from pleased. For the rest of the class, she wouldn't even glance his way. Thankfully, her classmates were completely oblivious as to why the two were so openly trying to ignore each other.

Severus spent the latter part of the week and the entire weekend avoiding her. By Monday at the break, he decided to try talking to her and explaining why he had trespassed into her mind. He found her sitting on a bench in the courtyard, reading through her notes. Cautiously, he approached her. Callista looked up at him with a challenging yet oddly inviting look. The professor had had no intention of entering her mind, but her expression overwhelmed his curiosity as he met her eyes.

Then suddenly he was bombarded with images of them in various stages of undress, bodies entwined erotically and so completely that it was difficult to tell which appendages belonged to whom. He was caught utterly off guard. He knew that she had never been with anyone; he hadn't realized her capable of such thoughts. There were numerous books one could read, but still... Had she been sitting in his class for an entire month fantasizing about him? The images persisted, setting off a chain reaction in his body. He became ridiculously hot for such a chilly day. He struggled to compose himself against the throbbing sensation below his belt. Thank Merlin he had left the robes only club! Walking into his next class in such an obvious state of arousal would have been nothing short of a nightmare. The smug look on her face had him backing away from her.

He retreated to his room in the dungeon, not exactly sure how to best solve his dilemma. A quick glance at the clock made him realize that he didn't have enough time for a frosty shower. Manual relief? No, he would be sweaty, weak-kneed and flush-faced. He settled for conjuring up decidedly unsexy images, like a skyclad Hagrid, and Dumbledore snogging McGonagall. Five minutes to class time, he was still shaky, but sufficiently recovered to teach his N.E.W.T. class.

Oh bloody, effing hell! He remembered that Dumbledore was inspecting his next lesson. What made it all the worse was the fact that Callista was going to be in that class. Making a supreme effort to recoup his senses and make himself look respectable, he smoothed the front of his best teaching robe and ran his fingers through his hair. He had stood in front of the most evil wizard on the planet and lied his arse off; surely he could manage an inspected lesson. He swallowed hard and set a determined look upon his face.

The lesson was brilliantly planned, and prepared for with the most diligent care. It was also an unmitigated disaster. When Severus entered the classroom, he saw Callista sitting front and center, a smug smile on her face. Severus was determined not to look at her. Dumbledore wasn't there; perhaps he had forgotten? Severus was about to begin when the classroom door opened and the headmaster arrived. Callista's smile vanished, and she fixed her eyes guiltily on the desktop. The images haunted him, and he lost his train of thought every time he looked at her. Severus tried to carry on with the lesson, but his now frazzled nerves left him tongue-tied and uncharacteristically clumsy. Every time Dumbledore looked at him, Severus was overcome by paranoid feelings that the headmaster knew about the state he was in and why. The crowning event was when he managed to catch the hem of his academic robe on fire. By the end of the lesson from hell, he was convinced that he would be unemployed at the end of the term. Voldemort killing him would be a mercy.

He skipped dinner in the Great Hall to mark the day's homework. He barely acknowledged the knock at his door. Severus looked up, expecting to see Dumbledore. To his surprise, it was a very apologetic-looking Callista, holding a tray laden with sandwiches and a flask of pumpkin juice.

"Please say that there is a very fast-acting poison in that flask," he snapped, refusing to look at her.

"Professor Snape, I just wanted to express my sincerest regret for my part in today's disaster," she mumbled, placing the tray on the desk. "I had no idea you were being inspected today."

"Well, thanks to you, I am the laughingstock of Hogwarts." His voice was close to a snarl. He expected her to cringe, or better yet, leave him alone.

He was shocked to hear her counter, "This is partly your fault, you know! What right do you have sneaking around in the privacy of my mind?"

He sprang to his feet suddenly defensive. "Don't you dare talk to me like that, you insolent little--"

"Why did you do it?" Callista yelled back.

"What?"

She must have realized that a shouting match would only make things worse, so she repeated calmly, "Why did you invade my mind?"

"Because I--" He broke off. 'You what, dunderhead? Wake up nightly in need of a Drying Spell because you dreamed about her? Desperately wish those dreams were real? Want to shag her on the desk right now? Think of something, Severus Snape, before you make yourself into a total moronic arse!'

Her eyes narrowed dangerously before she comprehended. She bluntly asked, "Do you fancy me, Professor Snape?"

'Oh damn!' Severus thought, trying to wrap his composure around himself. "No, I don't."

"What if I told you I was interested in you?" Callista asked, blushing slightly.

"Miss Hawkins, it is not appropriate for you to have feelings for me. I'm your teacher!" His voice rose so high it was on the verge of cracking.

Thankfully, she refrained from commenting on his voice. "You're not that much older than I am. I fail to see why it's a problem."

"Because it's wrong! I am responsible for the moral and educational well-being of the students entrusted to me."

She started laughing. He glared at her, forcing her to clarify what it was that she found so amusing. "Did you memorize that out of the teachers' handbook?"

"That's not funny, Miss Hawkins." His sneer was failing him.

She drifted closer to him. "What are you afraid of?"

"I don't deserve you. You are a beautiful, talented, kindhearted lady, and I'm just an ugly, unlikable, nasty first year professor." He slumped his shoulders. 'I'm also a Death Eater turncoat, who is supposed to be extracting information from you.'

She laid a delicate hand on his arm, right over his covered Dark Mark. "I think you are a brilliant, hardworking, charming man who needs to give himself a chance at happiness."

He was taken aback by her honesty and candor. She wasn't like the girls from Slytherin who were only trying to get into his robes for a better mark or to win a bet. She seemed so--sincere. He was at a loss. "Miss Hawkins, what precisely are you trying to say to me?"

"Professor Snape, you are one of the few people who doesn't treat me like a child. I want to get to know you better, as a person." She lowered her head.

Severus bit his lip. No one had offered him an unconditional friendship before, let alone what she was offering. When he had been a student, people only had ever befriended him close to exam times, or if they had needed a difficult potion brewed. This jewel from Gryffindor was giving him a chance to be happy, to have a life and possibly to have a future. Was this lovely, young woman his reward for turning traitor on Voldemort?

"We must be very discreet in our friendship," he replied sternly. "I also promise I won't use Legilimency on you anymore."

"I beg your pardon, Professor?" Callista stared at him blankly.

"Legilimency and its sister craft, Occlumency..." He launched into an impressive lecture on the two obscure branches of magic that Callista found to be immensely fascinating. In fact, that lecture became her first lesson.

Severus smiled at how their friendship had developed from there. Had anyone even been looking for the change in their relationship, they would have been hard pressed to find it. Callista had continued to act as if he were still only her teacher and not her friend. Then the friendship had begun to deepen into something more. It had started innocently enough as she spent more and more time on her N.E.W.T. project: a touch on his arm here, a hand on her back there. Then finally he had dared to kiss her. Nothing in his life could out shine the sexiness of that first kiss--his hands cupping her face, the feel of her lips on his. The embers of passion had been stirred. Although it had been torture waiting for her to finish school, in the end it had been worth the wait.

He shook himself from his memories. He still had the Wolfsbane Potion to brew. As much as he had resented doing this task in the past, he now was more than willing to make Lupin's transformations less painful. Not that Severus would ever openly admit that to anyone.

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It was well past the evening meal when Severus finished bottling the last of the Wolfsbane. The muscles in his shoulders were in knots from the hours of standing over the cauldron. Perhaps a long, hot shower would help before he went to see Callista. He ran his fingers through his hair. He was tired and frustrated and tired of being frustrated. As much as he loved being next to her, just sleeping with her was driving him to the verge of insanity. Tonight he was determined to consummate their relationship, or dive off of the Astronomy Tower.

Severus was surprisingly nervous about being with her again. It had been five years, nine months and twenty-six days since his last sexual encounter. While he had no doubts about his ability to rise to the occasion, he was concerned that the lack of recent practice would mar his performance. The first time he had been with her, he had been afraid of hurting her. Now he was afraid of disappointing her. As he stepped into the shower, the water relieving the pain in his back, he replayed their first night in his mind.

The O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. exams were finally over, and the young Potions professor had retired to his office, completing the final marks of the year. Upstairs, he recalled that the students were engrossed in celebrations that would, no doubt, lead to more than a few hangovers in the morning. Part of him wanted to join in the revelry, but the effects of alcohol might expose his true purpose here--to be a spy for both sides. He sat, doggedly working through the list of marks. There was a knock at the office door.

"Enter," he called absently.

"Good evening, Professor Snape." It was Callista Hawkins.

"Good evening to you as well, Miss Hawkins." He tried not to look up, but he knew exactly why she was there. She was no longer his student, and he was no longer her professor.

"I just wanted to stop by and thank you, sir, for everything you've done for me this year. I can't begin to express how much your support has meant to me." She was leaning over his desk.

Severus looked up to meet her steady gaze. He had taught her Occlumency to protect her mind from intrusion, and she was blocking him out at the moment. Her brilliance in the magical arts nearly made her his equal. If he could find a way to protect her, he would make a life with her.

"Maybe I can help you find away to thank me." Severus locked the office door behind her and placed a Silencing Spell on it. Pulling her to him, Severus kissed her passionately on the lips, enjoying the feel of her pressing against him.

"I've wanted this for a long time," he whispered, removing the ornament that was holding her hair in place. His fingers slid through the silken tresses as she trembled in his arms.

"Professor..."

"It's 'Severus' now, Callista," he corrected her, enjoying the sound of her name as he said it. He laid a path of gentle kisses down her neck. Her hands stroked his back and sides. Slowly, she began to unbutton his coat, whispering his name repeatedly. They made their way to the door leading to his private chambers. He stopped before they entered. "Are you sure? Once we go in, I may not be able to stop myself."

She turned her trusting eyes on him. If she knew of his past, he was sure she would run screaming from the room. She met his gaze evenly. "I want this. I want you."

Severus needed no further convincing. She had lowered her defenses, and he saw all he needed to see. He sat on the end of the bed and pulled her onto his lap, kissing and caressing her until she was moaning softly. With shaking hands, he removed her clothing.

Piece by piece, his clothing managed to find its way to the floor to join hers. She looked with surprise at his bandaged left forearm. When Callista opened her mouth to inquire about the 'injury', he silenced her with a passionate, mouth-bruising kiss. Severus and Callista moved further onto the bed, their explorations becoming more insistent. Her hands settled below his waist, and he saw a touch of apprehension in her eyes.

"I'll try not to hurt you," he said, seeking to lessen her fear.

She drew a deep breath, exhaling slowly. She looked at him; her eyes were violet in the firelight. She whispered, "I trust you."

He was as careful as he could be. He felt her give way beneath him, kissing away the tears of pain his entry had caused. Severus held off as long as he could before his instinct to move overpowered him. At one point, he vaguely reached the conclusion that the pleasure was only his. No matter how much he wanted the moment to last, the sensations were far too much for him to resist. With a satisfied groan, he gave into his release. He rested with most of his weight on his arms as his breathing quieted.

Severus leaned against the wall of the shower. He really couldn't take much more of this. Not being with her was practically killing him.

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Nearly an hour later, he entered her office. Callista was seated at her desk, finishing up lessons for the upcoming term. The bruises that had covered her face had faded. Severus perched casually on the edge of her desk, waiting for her to finish.

"How are you feeling, Callista?" he asked.

"Much better, thank you." She finished the last lesson, blowing gently on the ink to dry it. "Madam Pomfrey grudgingly gave me a clean bill of health today. I can return to my usual activities."

He perked up immediately, nearly slipping off of the desk. "Indeed."

"Can I get you anything, Severus?" Callista asked.

"Whatever you're having is fine." Severus answered as he sat down on the sofa, leaning back and closing his eyes.

"Make yourself comfortable," Callista answered with a laugh, handing him a glass of red wine. "You weren't at dinner tonight. Should I have a tray sent up?"

"No, I'm fine." He swirled the ruby-red liquid around. "It's nearly full moon. I had to finish the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin."

She sat next to him, curling up contentedly. Severus ran his slim fingers through her hair, appreciating the silky texture of it. The fragrance of lavender and vanilla wafted up to his nose. Lavender and vanilla: two scents that were used to coax desire. Coax? Did he really need to be coaxed at this point? Just kiss her already, you coward. It's not likely that she will slap you; just do something!

Drawing a deep, fortifying breath, he leaned slightly to press his lips to the top of her head. Callista shivered, sliding her free hand to the top of his thigh. He pulled her closer. Without a word, Callista set their glasses aside. She snuggled into his shoulder, increasing the pressure on his leg. His breathing quickened as he ran his hand up her side to cup her face. He captured her lips, savoring the lingering taste of the wine. They slid back onto the sofa, lips parting, hands rediscovering familiar territory as a myriad of buttons came undone.

A log popped in the fireplace. They both started. Callista whispered, "Maybe we should move into my quarters, just in case."

Severus answered her by lifting her up into his arms and carrying her into her room. With a slight wave of her hand, the covers turned themselves down invitingly. Tenderly, he laid her on the bed, his voice an emotion choked whisper. "I have never stopped loving you, Callista."

Her vivid eyes were warmed by her love for him. "And I have never stopped loving you, Severus, and I know I never will."

Wordlessly, the two abandoned themselves to the long-denied passion. Clothing slipped away. Severus removed his shirt to reveal the scars--some old, some new--on his back and the Dark Mark on his arm. Callista's fingers lightly skimmed the injuries, accepting them as part of the man she loved. Her eyes filled with compassion as she looked at the Dark Mark. It was a reminder of what he had been, but more importantly what he had overcome. She didn't hate him for his mistakes. She loved him for having the courage to try and correct them. He pulled her closer, the intoxicating sensation of skin on skin blocking out everything except the knowledge of his love for her.

Breath became ragged, while other motions became rhythmic. They moved together as if they had never been parted, crying out each other's names and the names of any deity that happened to be listening. She finished slightly ahead of him, before he gave in to the blessed release that had been just beyond his reach for far too long. He rested on Callista, waiting for his breathing to return to normal. Worried that he might be crushing her, Severus rolled to his side, holding her closely to him. Her head rested in the hollow of his shoulder. He silently summoned the blankets up over them. This was how they had always fallen asleep after making love.

Severus traced the fine silvery lines on her abdomen, the only evidence that she had ever had a child. The striations were a memorial to their son and the life they should have had. Someday, if they somehow managed to survive this war, they would reclaim, as best as they could, the life they were meant to live. Severus owed her at least that much. He would do whatever it took to make sure that she was happy and fulfilled. Severus accepted that path that she had chosen as his own. He needed her in his life; being alone was no longer an option. He needed her as much as he needed his next breath. No, he didn't need her as much as his next breath: she was his next breath, and the next, and the next....