Shadow on My Heart

Chapter 11: Tower of Refuge

Severus slowly made his way up to the Astronomy Tower. The news that he and Callista had a child together had been an unequivocal shock. The fact that their child had died had been devastating. Part of him had wanted to stay with her; part of him needed time to think. Severus had listened to the latter half, promising her that he would speak with her soon. He wanted to know everything there was to know about his son, no matter how painful the knowledge would be. He just needed some time alone to allow the news to settle in his mind.

Over and over, his mind contemplated everything Callista had suffered through simply because she had chosen to love him. The worst had been when she had finally told her parents about him.

Severus had just arrived outside the walls surrounding the Hawkins estate. As he approached the gate to await admittance, the oppressive heat of late July beat mercilessly down upon him. He had removed his jacket and had undone the top few buttons on his shirt, yet he was still sweating profusely. An intense feeling of foreboding weighed heavily on his mind as he continued to watch up the walkway for Callista. He was going to have tea with her family. Under normal circumstances, this would be an enjoyable experience, but he knew that her father was not going to approve of him.

"Severus!" He heard Callista calling to him. He looked up to see her walking down to meet him. She was dressed in a silken summer robe of a soft green, and her long, chestnut brown hair was pulled back, exposing her neck. She looked far too mature to have just turned eighteen only a few weeks ago.

The last few weeks had been gratifying ones. She had moved into a tiny, two room flat in Muggle London. She had considered her new residence part of her learning experience. He had questioned her decision to live amongst Muggles. She had laughed, saying that she found them fascinating, and she had made friends with many of the Muggle-borns that attended Hogwarts. Thankfully, none of these friends had become flatmates. Since she had moved into her own place, Severus had become a frequent guest. The two of them had spent hours learning about each other, occasionally taking the time to go over her most recent bit of research.

Callista's smile broadened as she lifted the wards from the gate and welcomed him warmly. He pulled her to him, kissing her chastely on the cheek. He loved her more than life itself.

"I was beginning to worry that you weren't coming," she said, as they walked up to the manor.

"I promised I would, Callista," he whispered into her hair.

He squirmed inside; he hadn't wanted to come. He was more than content to keep their relationship a secret, but Callista hated keeping something like this from her parents. She felt that they had waited a reasonable amount of time after her completion of school to avoid getting him into any trouble for having a relationship with a student. A relationship, she had pointed out, that had not turned physically intimate until after she had completed her studies.

"Just relax and be your polite, charming self. I'm sure my mother will help smooth things over with my father," she replied, squeezing his hand.

They stopped at the door for him to adjust his clothing. He felt ill. The pair entered the foyer and made their way to the drawing room. Severus took a deep breath and entered the room with his head held high. Dear Merlin, facing the Dark Lord was easier than this!

A smiling Adolphus Hawkins rose to greet them; however, the smile on his face vanished as he recognized Severus. He said in a gruff voice, "What is he doing here?"

"I invited him, Daddy. You met Severus at my party," Callista said sweetly. "I just wanted you to get to know him better."

"I believe I know enough about your Potions professor," her father ground out.

"Callista, we are very pleased at how Professor Snape helped you prepare for your N.E.W.T.s," said Lady Hawkins, "but you are finished with school, darling. Surely he isn't going to continue being your mentor for your apprenticeship?"

"No, not exactly," Callista mumbled. "Do you want me to pour the tea, Mum?"

With a nod, Callista's mother sat down and motioned them to join her. Callista expertly filled everyone's cup, although her hands shook slightly. The silence was prolonged and uncomfortable. Severus found himself nearly ready to choke on a biscuit. Adolphus Hawkins scrutinized the young wizard.

"What are your plans for the future, Snape?"

Severus hastily swallowed whatever it was that he had been chewing. "I plan on teaching at least another year or two, sir. Eventually, I would like to open my own apothecary, and --"

"Surely Dumbledore doesn't pay you that well." He continued to glare at Severus.

"I have few expenses. Nearly my entire stipend is banked. I'm working on improvements for a few existing potions, sir, which should add nicely to my existing income." This was going as pleasantly as could be expected. His heart lightened slightly.

"Receiving any side payments from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

The question caught Severus off guard. "What? No, of course not, sir!"

"Daddy, Severus is our guest," Callista implored, her face turning red. Her father's words had clearly embarrassed her.

"The question I feel compelled to ask is why did you bring this man into my home?" Her father's look could possibly have frozen the sun. "At best he is a penniless, scruffy gold-digger; at worst he has probably tossed his Slytherin lot in with the Death Eaters."

"He's here because I wanted to tell you I'm in love with him!" Callista burst out.

The smashing sound of her mother's dropped teacup echoed in the quietude. Lady Hawkins whispered, "What did you just say?"

Callista lifted her chin, drawing on that famous Gryffindor courage. "Severus and I fell in love toward the end of the last term. He's a wonderful, brilliant man--"

"He's a Slytherin, Callista! You know what path they all take." Her father had risen to his feet, facing Severus with a look of unadulterated fury on his face. "If you have so much as laid a finger on my daughter, I'll see to it that you spend the rest of your life in Azkaban! I warned Albus not to trust you. How many other girls did you lure down into your dungeon?"

"I didn't lure anyone!" Severus snapped, fighting the urge to draw his wand.

"Are you saying that Callista came to you of her own accord?" Hawkins bellowed.

"Yes, I did," snapped the young witch. "I love him with everything that I am. He's a good man. He loves me, he respects me and he cares about me."

"He's a Death Eater, Callista!"

"He can't be!" Callista was now on her feet, tears welling up in her eyes.

"What makes you so sure?"

"He doesn't have the Dark Mark!"

"How do you know...." Callista's mother trailed off. "O dear blessed saints!"

Severus sprang to his feet. The last thing he had wanted to have them discover was the truth about the extent of their connection. There was no salvaging the situation.

"You've been with him?" The rage in Hawkins' voice shifted to revulsion. He began shouting. "Get out of my sight! You--you Death Eater's whore! You've made your choice to lie with the enemy; you are no longer welcome in this family! Get out!"

"Daddy, be reasonable --"

"Go!" he shouted, drawing his wand.

Severus simultaneously drew his own wand pointing it menacingly at Hawkins. "Don't you dare harm her!"

"No, I'll leave that to you."

"Adolphus, please!" his wife begged, reaching out to her daughter.

"We're leaving!" Severus snarled, backing toward the door, positioning himself between Callista and her father, trying to shield her from the older man's wrath.

Once in the foyer, Severus wrapped his arms around Callista and activated the Portkey. There was a familiar jerk in his stomach as they were swept back to her flat. Callista collapsed to her knees, sobbing. Severus knelt beside her, cradling her in his arms. He didn't know what to say. Her father wanted nothing to do with her because of him. He couldn't let her give up her family. What if something happened to him? She would be alone and unprotected.

"Callista, I am so sorry. If you want, I'll leave. You can go back to them and tell them you left me. I don't want you to give up your family." He smoothed her tresses, biting back his own tears. If he had to give her up, he would.

"Severus," she sobbed clinging to him, "don't you abandon me, too. I can't stand the thought of losing you."

He held her tightly, comforting her. Praying that whatever he gave her would be enough. She was now completely in his protection.

His thoughts rushed back to him as he leaned his head on the cold stone wall. She had given up the security of a family for him, entrusting herself to him completely. How had he taken care of her? He had lied to her and had betrayed her trust. He couldn't blame her for handing him over to the Aurors; he had deserved at least that for what he had done.

The horrible reality was that Callista had been punished for his wrongdoings. She had been forced to endure a pregnancy wrought with fear and anxiety. She had given birth in a foreign country, far away from anyone who had known her or had cared about her. From what he had seen in her memory, she had narrowly escaped death to bring the child into the world. Then she had to watch her son, their son, struggle and die. She should never have had to do any of this, much less do it alone.

Not entirely alone, the Potters and Black had been there for her. The memory of how Black had offered to take on the responsibility of raising his child was painful. Part of that pain was wondering what he would have done had the roles been reversed. As much as he had hated Sirius, Severus grudgingly appreciated the fact that he had tried to set aside personal feelings to help Callista. The thought that Black had harbored feelings for Callista was torture to Severus. He knew that Callista had seriously considered taking Black up on his offer to marry her and help provide a name and home for her and the baby. Not that he believed that Black's offer had been anything more than a subtle way of getting back at him for 'merely existing'.

Severus leaned over the battlement of the tower, looking out over the snow-covered grounds. The bright blue sky overhead was free from clouds. He had rarely taken time to appreciate the beauty that had always surrounded him. He had never felt as if he deserved anything worthwhile until Callista had come into his life. She was the first person, since his mother, who made him feel loved. The two women were very similar. Severus remembered wishing that Callista and his mother could have met; he was certain his mother would have loved her. These last few months, Severus had missed his mother more than he had in years. The memory of her had always helped him find his way when he felt lost. Yet, his memories of his mother had become more and more vague over the years. Now they were hardly more than ghosts of feelings, so increasingly insubstantial that they had almost ceased to exist. He took comfort in knowing that at least his son had been loved his entire, albeit brief, life. He realized perhaps that was what Callista had seen in him: the inner beauty that had come from his mother. It had to be; there was nothing on the outside worth loving.

Severus was finishing his last rounds of the night. It was Valentine's Day, that wretched, stupid, made-up holiday that made poor, unattached sods like himself feel totally worthless and unloved. Already he had caught three couples trying to 'celebrate,' one of which he had mistaken for Mrs. Norris being stuck in a broom cupboard. He still hadn't decided who was more embarrassed--himself or the couple. Now he was making his way up to the Astronomy Tower, hoping that if anyone had used it as a trysting spot, they were long gone.

"Come on, we have plenty of time before anyone will notice we're missing," said a husky male voice.

'Oh, bugger,' thought Severus, 'not again!' He drew out his wand and started to round the corner.

"Stop it, Allen! We are supposed to be on duty." That voice unmistakably belonged to Callista Hawkins.

Severus slapped his hand over his eyes and leaned against the wall. He almost walked in on Callista and her boyfriend. The gods were so cruel sometimes. The last thing he wanted to see was her in the arms of the arrogant, self-important, jumped-up berk. The berk whose actions and demeanor so horribly reminded him of Sirius Black. Maybe he would just slip back down the stairs and pretend none of this was happening.

"Callista, it's Valentine's Day!" Buxley pleaded. "I'm trying to be romantic. You went home for Christmas, and New Year's Eve didn't work out--"

"Because you were drunk and passed out on the drawing room floor. I'm amazed my father didn't find you!" Callista retorted. "Can't you get it through your head I want to wait until I'm finished with school?"

Severus perked up. She had never been with Allen Buxley! All of those times he had quietly observed the two of them together, he had just assumed they were truly a couple. Maybe it was because most of the girls he had known in school were a bit more--free, with everyone but him, of course; he had no reason to think any were so conservative. Not that girls had ever lined up outside his dorm room. Now that he was a teacher, a few of the Slytherin seventh year girls had flirted with him. He was tempted, of course, but he felt sure that either Dumbledore would have sacked him, or the girls' fathers would have had him castrated. Either way, he made sure he kept his trousers tightly closed at all times, and many of his showers had been icy.

"Callista, we've been together since the end of our fifth year. Don't you trust me? Don't you love me?" Mr. Quidditch Captain was whining now.

"If you loved me, you would respect me!" Callista countered, anger rising in her voice.

"You're nothing but a lousy tease, Callista Hawkins!" The pleading tone in his voice was replaced with frustration.

"I'm in the wrong, just because I won't drop my knickers for you?" Callista shouted.

"I bet you'd drop them for HIM!" Buxley shouted back.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"Professor Snape!" the young man accused, causing Severus to nearly fall backwards down the tower steps in surprise. "I see the way he looks at you. How you monopolize his attention during class with your stupid ingredient debates. How you spend all of your extra time in the dungeons, 'working' on your little projects. You two have a nice little thing going on, don't you? I bet you find it amusing that every night I have to toss off before I can go to sleep."

'Idiot boy, there are potions that will help,' the young professor thought. 'Although your current method is a bit more fun.'

"Allen, he's my mentor. You know I need top grades in my N.E.W.T.s, in order to get an apprenticeship. Besides, I doubt he would be interested in me. Especially since I'm in Gryffindor, and he was in Slytherin," she said gently.

Buxley was still shouting. "You think I'm blind, don't you?"

'If you're wanking that much you might soon be,' Severus mentally broke in, with an evil grin.

"No, I think you're just imagining things." Her voice was surprisingly calm.

There was a long uncomfortable silence, before Buxley spoke. "We're through. I can have any girl in this school, you know. I'm not going to waste my time on a tease like you."

Severus ducked into the alcove and hid himself with a concealment charm as he heard Buxley stomping towards the steps. Once the young man was out of sight, Severus approached the corner again. He could hear the faint sniffling sound of Callista crying. The thought of dealing with a tearful young woman made him squirm. It would be so easy to turn around and walk away. He called out to announce his presence. He already had enough experience with her Impediment Jinx, and he really didn't want to fall the entire way down the Astronomy Tower stairs.

"Allen, I --" She stopped abruptly at the sight of him, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her robe. "Professor Snape, I was just finishing my rounds. I'll be heading back to my dormitory now."

"Miss Hawkins, have you been crying?" Severus asked, trying to sound as if he had no idea what had just happened. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"What? No, I'm--I'm fine. It's nothing important, sir." She tried to brush past him.

He caught her arm gently. She hesitated, but didn't try to pull away. He surprised himself with the kindness of his own words. "If you want to talk about it, I will listen."

"It's just that Allen and I had a fight. I knew that we wouldn't last the year, and he just broke off our relationship," she whispered, tears filling her eyes. "He was horrible to me. He just doesn't understand what I want or need. Worst of all, he doesn't respect me."

Severus was not prepared for her to be so forthcoming. He swallowed and said comfortingly, "Then the stupid oaf has lost something beautiful."

She tried to pull herself together. "Thank you, sir, that was very kind."

"It's true, Miss Hawkins. You are a wonderfully kind and talented witch. Anyone who was able to capture your heart would be most fortunate." The words rolled easily out of his mouth. He was being genuinely sincere; she was both of those things and incredibly attractive. Over the last few months, he had discovered that his attraction to her was more than physical. She had a brilliant mind and a caring heart. He tried to cheer her up. "Do you want me to cut his heart out with a spoon?"

She snorted through her tears. "No, that won't be necessary, sir. I'll just hex him."

He felt the desire rising in him. He suddenly wanted her more than he could ever remember wanting anything before. He fought the notion of sweeping her into his arms and kissing her breathless. He tipped his head back to look at the stars, taking deep breaths of the cold night air in hopes of cooling the fire that was burning in him now.

"Professor Snape, I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me. I suppose it's been hard for you, being a young teacher and all. I really did learn a lot from you," she said, holding out her hand.

He took it, returning the handshake. Impulsively, he pressed it to his lips for the briefest of seconds. Her eyes met his, and for a moment he saw his future in them.

"Severus?" A voice broke into his thoughts. He turned around to see Callista standing in the tower doorway, the setting sun glinting off of her hair. This time, as their eyes met, he saw his past, present and future reflecting back at him more brightly than ever.

Callista took a few tentative steps toward him. He held out his hands to her, offering her a place in his life, if only she wanted to take it. The look she gave him as she accepted his hands spoke volumes: trust, forgiveness, solace and love. After all of this, she still loved him. He knew that he wasn't worthy of her love, but he would find a way to be.

Severus pulled her into his embrace, crushing her to him. He felt a warmth that had been absent from his life for too long. With her wrapping her arms around him, he finally felt complete. He whispered how sorry he was into her hair. Each word seemed to lessen his burden as the apology was met with absolution. She stood there, leaning into him, offering her comfort and strength, again entrusting her heart to him as she had done so many years ago. He kissed the top of her head, resolving not to fail her again.

Callista met his eyes once more. A few joyful tears slipped silently from her eyes, and he wiped them away with his thumbs. She smiled as she smoothed the front of his cloak, her hands gliding up to his face. The ensuing kiss contained promises of a future that neither of them had thought they would ever have. A future that they would face together.

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The two professors fumbled with robes as they stood outside the door to Callista's office. She broke away long enough to work the door latch. He swept her up into his arms, locking his lips to hers, as they stumbled into the room. Callista had enough presence of mind to ward the door. Robes fell to the floor as they backed into a desk--Potter's desk. The image of them making love on the whelp's desk caused Severus to burst out laughing. Callista, figuring out what caused him to laugh, steered him away from the desk and over to the leather couch in the sitting area opposite the fireplace.

They were desperately trying to shed their clothing, when Callista suddenly burst out with: "Damn buttons!"

Severus grasped her hands, kissing her fingers. He was never so thankful that she was wearing Muggle clothing; it was so much easier to remove. He was ready to lean over her when the two of them heard the sound of the internal Floo network swooshing into the office fireplace.

"Shit!" Callista sat up so quickly, Severus fell off of the couch and onto the floor. A few foul words popped out of his mouth. Thank Merlin the back of the sofa was facing the fireplace.

"Callista," called the insistent voice of Albus Dumbledore. Callista and Severus exchanged horrified looks. The young witch hastily tried to tidy her appearance.

Callista sat up the rest of the way, pretending to yawn. "Uncle Albus, what's wrong?"

"Callista, I just received word from the Aurors' Office that there has been an incident at Azkaban," said Dumbledore, his head resting in the fireplace. "Have you seen Severus anywhere? He wasn't in his quarters or his office."

"No, he left hours ago, and I haven't seen him since," Callista lied smoothly. Severus smiled. She was a very impressive Occlumens, trying her skills out on Dumbledore.

"I trust that you two have come to an understanding. Hopefully there will be no more ugly words between the two of you."

"I promise I won't lay a hand on Severus in anger again, sir," Callista answered. Severus wrapped his arms around his knees as he sat on the floor, shaking with silent laughter. Callista nudged him gently in the side.

"I wonder if Voldemort has summoned him. That would explain his absence from the castle, but usually he leaves word before he departs," said Dumbledore.

"Do you want me to look for him on my way to your office?" Callista asked, brushing Severus's hand off of her thigh.

"No, this is important. I'll just have the house-elves look for him, Callista," the headmaster answered, still apparently unaware of the Potion Master's location on the floor.

Callista stood up. "I'll be right there."

With a nod, Dumbledore disappeared from the fireplace.

Callista flopped back on the couch. Severus leaned over her, kissing her neck. She tipped her head back, moaning softly before gently stopping him. She stroked the side of his face. "Severus we don't have that kind of time right now. And as much as I want you, I'm not walking into my uncle's office smelling like sex."

"You aren't a student anymore, Callista. He can't do anything about this," Severus said.

Callista's eyes sparkled. "The point is that this is none of his business. I don't want him interfering in our lives like that again."

He nodded in agreement. "What do we tell him?"

"Not a damn thing," she said. "Severus, I never told him about--about Brian. I want us to tell him together when the time is right."

He pulled her to him, stroking her hair. No one knew about a tiny baby boy who had been laid to rest in Israel. The existence of their son was a very private matter. Severus kissed her forehead, still enjoying the feel of her next to him.

"I'll head up, and leave you to uh...return to normal," she said, slipping reluctantly from his arms.

"Very funny, Callista." Severus stood up and summoned his robe, checking to be sure that his wand was still in the pocket. Something clicked in his brain. She never drew her wand from a sleeve or a pocket; it had always materialized in her hand. "Callista, where do you keep your wand?"

Her eyes smoldered slightly. "Severus, after we finish this meeting with the headmaster, I'll let you look for it."

His mind swam with the prospect of searching for her wand. As he watched her saunter from the office, he realized returning to normal without her help was going to be rather difficult.