Shadow on My Heart

Shadow on my Heart

Disclaimer: I am not being modest. I really didn't write the Harry Potter books.

A/N: Warning! This chapter contains non-consensual sex.

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Chapter 3: Building the Walls

As he swept through the halls on the first day of class, Professor Snape could feel the eyes of the students watching him. He pretended not to notice them and kept his strides purposeful. More than once, he vaguely heard the phrase 'ugly git' muttered under a student's breath. Little did they know that his disagreeable appearance was to some extent intentional. By being unattractive, there was little risk of needing to make unwanted physical contact.

He passed a few couples, students holding hands or other such nonsense. Part of him found their displays disgusting; part of him was envious of their ability to enjoy the sensation of human touch. Severus never had so much as a single date during his years at school. This was largely due to the fact that he was far too focused on his studies to care. The other part was that he was feared by many students, even those in his own House. It was well known that his father was a Death Eater and the only friends that he had were of the same. Being the child of a Death Eater took a turn for the worse shortly before the end of his sixth year.

Severus had gone home for the Easter break at the request of his father. He was filled with excitement, thinking that there was something he could do to hasten his initiation into the circle. As he arrived outside the door to the drawing room at his home he overheard a conversation he wished he had never been privy to.

"He is the best option at this time, Robert," reasoned Severus's father.

"Severus and my wife? This is a last resort." Severus recognized the voice of Robert McKeen, one of his father's associates.

"But he is such a scrawny, ugly boy," protested his wife, Bianca.

"My son possesses a brilliant mind, a trait that we need to pass on. Besides, you need an heir." Severus heard his father say -- the only compliment ever connected to him.

"We can keep trying. I need a child to present to the Master," said Bianca McKeen.

"We have heard from the youngest Black girl that his son is well endowed, at least you will be able to enjoy the experience," laughed McKeen.

Severus felt his face flame. Narcissa Black was at the lake the day James Potter hung him upside and exposed him to the student population.

"Fine, but if the baby has his nose, I'll bind its powers and abandon it." There was a cruel quality to her laugh.

"Then we are agreed?" There was a mumbled acceptance.

Later that night he was summoned to a spare room. Bianca McKeen was standing there. She was a beautiful woman, pale skin, almost white blonde hair and steel gray eyes. She was the older sister of Lucius Malfoy. Had Severus been unaware of her comment, he would have been happy to be there, but he knew she thought of him as scrawny and ugly. Before he knew what was happening, Bianca struck him with an Imperius curse. Another wave of her wand, and his clothing was gone. He tried to fight off the spell and her wanton hands at the same time. Horror filled him as his body responded to her touch against his will. This wasn't necessary; he would have at least been willing! As she continued using him, Severus tried to think of something else, anything else. The vision of a pretty girl with red hair and green eyes filled his mind. Severus imagined it was this person whom he was with. It was over a moment later.

A cold, breathless voice whispered in his ear. "When you join us, darling boy, I will be sure to recommend you to my friends."

After she left, he curled into a shaking ball, willing himself not to cry. He made his way to the adjoining bathroom where he tried to wash the filthy feeling from his skin. He had scratches on his chest and shoulders where she had clawed at him. What had he ever done to deserve this?

The young man Apparated to the front gates of the school, and slowly make his way to the dungeon. At some point, he was overwhelmed by the experience and fell to his knees sobbing. He was found by Professor Blackburn. The professor escorted him to his office and coaxed the story out. Severus begged him not to tell the headmaster. Once he was assured that this secret was safe with the old man, he returned to the Slytherin common room. That night, alone in the solitude of his bed, he tried to rationalize that at least now he had crossed the final bridge into manhood. Yet, he couldn't shake the feelings of shame and self-loathing.

In the privacy of his office Snape recalled how this had changed him. Unlike his fellow male Death Eaters, he had always detested rape. Oftentimes they had been offered a young girl; he had always refused. Slowly, Severus had learned how different he was from the others. Once Voldemort himself had questioned Snape's celibacy, finding it unusual that a virile, young man would so neglect his baser instincts. As a test of his newly acquired Occlumency skills, Severus had told him it distracted him from his duty to the cause. Voldemort had believed it.

So he had kept to himself, only occasionally joining with one of the female Death Eaters. This had all changed once he had fallen in love with Callista. He remembered the sweet torture of waiting until she had finished school to be with her. After feeling that fiery passion, he had never found anyone who had made him feel so alive. Severus understood the need for companionship, at times he had longed for it, but he knew that it was not worth the risk of exposing anyone to the danger of being with him. Not that there had been many offers to turn down. Perhaps it was for the best.

As he prepared for the next day's classes, there was a sudden searing pain on his left forearm. His Dark Mark burned; the Master was summoning him. He cleared his mind of all emotion to prepare for the onslaught of Voldemort's evil influence. He left word for Dumbledore and slipped out of the castle to the Apparation point. Within a moment Snape was in Voldemort's presence. Acting out his part as a loyal servant, he knelt at his feet.

"Severus, I have heard that Dumbledore has brought his niece out of hiding," hissed the cold, high voice.

"That is true, my Lord. She is to assist in the Potter boy's training," he affirmed.

"What will she be teaching him?"

"I do not know," Severus lied smoothly.

"I want you to find out. Continue to break into his mind during his lessons. Also try to befriend the Hawkins girl; she may be able to give you some clues to her purpose in all of this." Snape nodded and waited to be dismissed.

"Crucio!"

Severus crashed to the floor, writhing in agony, as if every bone in his body was about to explode. It was a struggle to keep the mental barriers in place.

"Let this serve as a warning to you, Snape, that you are being watched. A fate worse than this awaits you if you betray me."

The curse was lifted and slowly Severus regained the use of his voice. "I am a loyal servant; I would never betray the circle."

"See that you don't, or I will make you watch as Hawkins is tortured. Guard against her 'magic'."

"She means nothing to me. I only used her to get information on the Order." He projected images of him inwardly laughing at her innocent attempts to profess her feelings. To this he added the reaction of meeting her at Grimmauld Place. "She still is nothing more to me than an information source."

Voldemort advanced on him, and Severus braced himself for another bout of agony. Voldemort's wand was pointed at Snape's temple; part of him wished Voldemort would finally snuff out his wretched life. "I have no intention of killing you, Snape. You will return to Hogwarts, and you will use whatever means possible to find out about Potter's training. Now get out of my sight!"

With what little dignity he still possessed, Severus rose to his feet, trying to ignore the pain of the curse. Once he was calm and could be sure he wouldn't splinch himself, he Apparated into the small clearing in the Forbidden Forest. Sinking to his knees, he rested for a moment before returning to the castle.

Thankfully, the students were at dinner, and he encountered no one as he made his way down to his quarters. Eagerly, Snape took a swallow of Strengthening Solution. A glance in the mirror revealed that some of the blood vessels in his eyes had ruptured under the curse. A few drops of Eye Bright cleared them up. Stiffly, he made his way up to the Great Hall, hoping no one would notice his tardy arrival. The only empty seat at the staff table was next to Hawkins. Her eyes locked with his and a look of concern passed across her features. With a sigh Severus sank into the seat to her left and surveyed the food items in front of him.

Her head was bent over her plate and she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. "What happened to you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Did you hurt yourself? You're walking very stiffly." She missed nothing.

Snape cleared his throat and tried to say in as unemotional a voice as possible. "If you must know, I slipped on some spilled potion and fell. My back is killing me."

She shot him a look of such venom Severus wished he was back facing Voldemort. Her voice was an angry hiss. "That classroom was immaculate when I left!"

"I was in my private workroom. I'm sure you remember it well." There was a sudden rush of color in her cheeks. She did remember.

"Why, Severus, are you trying to flirt with me?" Her thick lashes fluttered over her intensely blue eyes as she regained her composure.

"Hardly. Did I fail to make it clear to you that I am in pain?" he snapped, spearing a chicken leg.

She shrugged her shoulders, returning to the greenery on her plate. "Fine, I was going to offer a massage, but now I won't bother. Full-body, too."

Severus chose to ignore her and continued with his meal. He watched her eating and allowed his mind to wander momentarily to the first time he had longed for human touch.

Professor Blackburn was going over each student's findings for their N.E.W.T. project. Severus was sitting stiffly on his right, watching the students. A few of the Slytherins eyed him with interest; most of them would soon be joining the ranks of the Death Eaters. All of them wanted to be in his good graces, for Severus was very close to the Dark Lord's inner circle. He must remember to find subtle ways to favor his own; however, a certain Gryffindor was going to make that very difficult.

"Now, Miss Hawkins, what are you going to use as a stabilizer in your antidote?" Blackburn asked in his merry voice.

Callista's eyes sparkled, and she positively glowed with confidence. "I've chosen the extract of the hawthorn berry, sir."

The young Potions professor thought it was a foolish choice and blurted out, "What did you base your decision on?"

The class perked up. In the past few weeks, the debates between the Head Girl and the young Potions Master had become increasingly interesting. Only Allen Buxley crossed his arms across his chest and glared at the young professor.

Callista met the cold gaze straight on. Lifting her chin defiantly, she replied, "When the extract is warmed to body temperature it prevents the salamander blood from coagulating. This makes it possible to heat the blood to a higher temperature than you normally would use and still keep it viable."

He asked the next reasonable question. "How did you come to this conclusion, Miss Hawkins?"

"Actually, I stumbled upon it by accident. I was holding a vial of the hawthorn berry extract in my hand before I was going to add it to something else. I inadvertently poured it into the flask of salamander blood. Since hawthorn berries are relatively close to neutral in pH, I went and used the blood anyway. My fire was a bit hotter than I normally use; however the blood did not congeal and remained quite stable even at the higher temperature." Her eyes never wavered from his face. He peeked into her thoughts to hear her think, 'Are you quite well impressed?'

"Do you have a lot of these accidents, Miss Hawkins? "

"No, but I do rather like to push the limits of traditional knowledge."

"Now, Professor Snape, you and Miss Hawkins may debate this after class if you like," interrupted Blackburn with a indulgent smile to Callista.

During the practical session of the double period he spent most of the time with the students of Slytherin, but he carefully kept an eye on her. Blackburn, while acknowledging her talent, did not seem to favor her or treat her any differently than the other students. Severus went to the supply cupboard to fetch the forgotten kelpie grass for a student. As he reached for it, Callista reached for the ingredient next to it and their hands touched in a feeling of pure electricity. He noticed that, unlike everyone else, she didn't shrink from his touch. His hand had a warm and tingly sensation for the rest of the class period.

"I'm sorry, Severus, go on then. I'll have the apple pie instead," Callista said. They had reached for the same dessert; their hands touched and he withdrew his quickly. "The headmaster was trying to get your attention while you were off in dreamland. Did you go any place interesting?"

Severus shook his head before exiting the hall. He needed to tell Dumbledore of his new assignment from Voldemort.

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Half an hour later he was standing in the headmaster's office. Dumbledore was calmly stroking the brilliant plumes of his phoenix. Fawkes answered the old man with contented warbles.

"He knows that Miss Hawkins has returned," Severus said softly, breaking the silence.

"Professor Hawkins will be warned of course. She is more than capable of looking out for her own safety."

Of course she was capable. Her father had the Aurors training her in physical defense since she was eleven. The fact that she was a rather tiny person made her an easy target for capture. It wasn't hard to believe that she could be easily overpowered once she had been disarmed. Adolphus Hawkins was a high-ranking Ministry official; therefore, his children would be wanted by the Death Eaters. Callista, being a pure-blood girl, would have been considered a trophy of war. Her combination of talent, beauty and intelligence would have made her prized breeding stock. Her father had been so paranoid about her security, that he almost arranged for private tutors as opposed to letting her attend Hogwarts.

"You seem troubled tonight, Severus. Would you care to discuss it?" Dumbledore was feeding Fawkes.

Bloody meddlesome old man. "Not at all, sir."

"You are concerned about her," Dumbledore said, answering for the younger wizard.

"She is a valuable asset to the Order--"

Dumbledore cut him off. "That's not what I meant. You still harbor feelings for her, don't you?"

"No, I do not," Snape replied in a short tone. At least none that she would return.

"Someone cannot be an enormous part of your life without leaving some kind of a shadow on your heart. Since the moment you laid eyes on her, she was your top priority. Callista was once everything to you. Have you tried to reconcile with her, at least enough to have a minute measure of friendship?" Dumbledore patted the top of the bird's head before sitting down.

"She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her." Snape's voice became icy and defensive.

Dumbledore gave the Potions Master a disheartened look. "I remember when she smiled at you, how for a moment, you seemed to have a better grasp on your humanity. Remember that, for a time, she was your light in the darkness. The one thing that kept you out from under Voldemort's influence was her love. You have been given a second chance. I suggest you take it."

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm no longer twenty-two and she is no longer eighteen. I'm far too old for bothering with love and the pain it brings. I have a duty to the Order. I don't have time for such trivial nonsense." Severus could feel the anger rising in him, threatening to break his carefully controlled emotions. "Now, if you will excuse me Headmaster, I have classes to prepare for. Good night."

"Good night then," Dumbledore sighed sadly after his retreating figure.

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Severus sat for a long time in front of the fire in his chamber, hating Albus Dumbledore. If he had gone against the old man's orders all those years ago, he wouldn't need a second chance with Callista. Dumbledore had convinced him that letting Callista know about his involvement with the Death Eaters and the Order would have endangered them both. Severus had been terrified that something would happen to her. Even more than that, he had been afraid of losing her love. So he had done as he had been told and had kept his role as a spy to himself. No one had known that Severus was part of the Order at the time. That information had only been revealed after the Tri-Wizard Tournament a little over a year ago. Not that it had made a difference, he knew that everyone in the Order, save McGonagall, despised and mistrusted him. He buried his head in his hands, dwelling on his dismal past and contemplating his bleak future.

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Please don't hate me for what I did to our beloved Potions Master in this chapter. His life will improve; I promise. A big thank you to Verity for all of her patience