Our American Cousin

XIII

How to Proposition a Potions Master

Severus Snape was startled as he heard the door to his Potions classroom swing open. Even he had to admit it was unusual for anyone not in detention to venture down here on a Saturday. Looking up in curiosity he saw Sara Todacheenie stride in, a box under one arm, and something held in her other hand. Snape was never sure what to make of the America. She was obviously smart and brash but there was something she always seemed to be hiding that made Snape nervous. That and the way she moved as if always ready for a fight.

"Miss Todacheenie, may I help you?"

"This" --she dropped something small, green and lumpy-- "is a Zapata bladder pod." Snape raised an eye brow.

"I see. And why is it on my desk?"

"It is on your desk because it is part of an offer I have for you."

Snape folded his hands and looked at Sara. Most of the offers he got from students were vague promises to do anything for a higher Potions mark.

"I'm listening." Sara took a deep breath. She was not the type of person who normally asked for help in anything, and wanted to get this out as quickly, and cleanly as possible.

"I have it on good authority that you're the best Potions Master around, that unlike most Potions Masters you are both competent and sane, that good authority being the Ravenclaws by the way, and I need help in Potions, I am aware that your time is valuable so I am willing to do the grunt work needed for you to write a nice scholarly paper on substitution of potion ingredients between old and new world plants, in exchange for extra tutoring. I'll even provide the pants." Sara began pulling bunches of leaves and roots out of the cardboard box while Snape took a moment to digest the rather hastily spoken offer.

"While that is an interesting proposition you have not shown that you need any help in Potions."

"Ah but that's where you are wrong. NewMexMagic goes through Potions teachers at about the same rate Hogwarts goes through defense teachers. They range from simply incompetent to out and out psychotic." Snape listened closely all of a sudden. He had every intention of leaving Hogwarts as soon as the war was over, one way or anther, and while he considered the States little more than a land of barbarians, if they needed potion masters it might be a good place to disappear to. "What I know of Potions," Sara continued, "is either self taught or bits I've picked up from my mother who's a medi-witch. This means I have vast holes in my knowledge that are going to get me in trouble one day. Hell I've already blown off my eyebrows twice." Snape thought for a moment.

"According to the papers your last school sent you've had strait passing marks in Potions."

"Yes but I haven't had to work for any of them. To get passing marks in Potions you mainly have to not die." Sara seemed to get frustrated. "Look it, academically speaking this is going to be a very boring year for me. I need my mind occupied by something for everyone's good. I'm going to be able to sleep through transfigurations and charms and let's not even talk about history." Snape had heard in the staff room about the fight with Binns and had been even more shocked to see the ghost strolling down the hallway whistling a jaunty, if severely out of date, tune. "I need to learn Potions, especially before I blow off something less replaceable than my eyebrows. And while the entire student body may have less than pleasant names for you they all agree that you know what you're doing." Snape glared at the dark American as if staring hard enough could ferret out some sort of alterative motive. "Look how often do you get people down here actually wanting to learn Potions, not just kissing your ass for house points."

"And how do I know you're not 'kissing my ass' for house points?"

"I don't care enough to do it." Snape looked at her. "You'll know I'm trolling for house points when I wander down here in fishnets and fuck me pumps offering blow jobs." Snape, to his personal horror, actually found that mental image firmly lodged in his mind, completely derailing any retort he may have had. "Seriously though. I need a challenge and this is the only course in this place that's going to provide it." Snape picked up the lumpy green fruit.

"It does look like Eluder Bluder plant." He turned it over in his hands and smelled it. "Doesn't have the distinctive odour though." He finally looked up at Sara. "Assemble two sets of ingredients for Silitans skin stripper. We'll test this in one. And get the rest of this stuff off my desk."

"Yes sir." Sara threw off a snappy salute America style and began reboxing the plants while whistling something atrociously modern. Snape shivered slightly. No one whistled in Potions. At least not since he was a student.

Dear Mom and Dad

Thanks for the plants. They've been most useful.

You'd be proud at how much I'm applying myself in Potions. Not skiving (slacking) at all. I'll also have you know that I'm behaving myself. Not a single diplomatic incident to date, even if my room mates do need some common sense knocked into them with a 2x4.

Remember when I said my teachers were odd. Well I finally met the divinations teachers. One is a centaur from the local herd and the other is an all out flake that looks like she belongs in some Berkley head shop. We also have a half giant teaching care of magical creatures. I'm a little surprised at the amount of stuff that's not being taught. I'd like to send the entire student body to NewMexMagic for a year just to fill in some holes. Ah well . Not much else to report. Give my love to everyone.

Sara