Feel

Chapter Two

 

            He shouldn’t have been upset. He was being ridiculous. This was a good thing. God, his reasoning needed work. He stared at Ron and Hermione who were looking back at him curiously, and frowned.

            “Dumbledore actually said it’d be okay for you to come with the Order?”

            Ron smirked a bit.

            “You could say that.” 

            “Don’t be stupid, Ron,” Hermione snapped. “The truth is, this isn’t exactly an authorized venture.”

            He lifted an eyebrow.

            “Why, Hermione, how reckless of you,” he said. “Careful or you might be taking a fall through a veil in the near future.”

            She narrowed her eyes at him and Ron looked shocked.

            “C’mon, mate, don’t be like this.”

            “No, it’s all right,” she said loftily. “He’s still busy playing his pity cards and feeling sorry for himself. It’s natural that he’d be pissed we’re not buying into it.”

            He glared at her, his look cold and she stared right back. Ron looked weary and confused but with a determined set to his mouth and brow steered them both toward the bedroom door.

            “Look, let’s just get out of here, yeah?”

            Hermione responded with a petulant ‘hmph’ and trounced out, Ron following closely. He didn’t, turning instead to Hedwig and letting her out of her cage.

            “Go to Hogwarts,” he said, petting her. “You can stay there for the rest of the summer and I’ll see you in two weeks. Okay?”

            She gave a complacent hoot, nipped his finger affectionately and flew out of his open window.

            “I’ve come to give you a hand,” Tonks said, walking into his room with a cheerful smile.

            He didn’t even try to smile back, and she coughed slightly.

            “Right,” she muttered.

            It was silent for a bit, and he occupied himself with watching as she flew various items into his trunk.

            “You know,” she said after a while. “You could try and cheer up. It hasn’t been a picnic for the rest of us either.”

            He bit back a scathing reply, sighing and looking away. She stared at him for a few minutes, her eyes a curious golden color for the time being, and then shrugged.

            “Fine then. You really are just a child, I suppose, and we all forget that.”

            “I’ve seen more than almost any child you’ve ever met,” he said angrily. “But it’s all right for everyone to conveniently forget that, isn’t it? Well let me tell you something, if you ignore it it’s not going to go away! People will still be dead because of me and I will still know it’s because of me and no one can coddle or will that away.”

            She knew it was true. Maybe no one felt it needed to be said, but he didn’t have anything to lose by speaking his mind. She looked appropriately chagrined and then left the room without a word, levitating his things in front of her. He followed, his expression fading back into the blank one that took no energy and didn’t seem to bother everyone as much. Halfway down the stairs, Tonks lurched forward with a curse and tumbled the rest of the way down. He frowned and rushed down after her.

            “All right?” he asked, worried.

            She nodded and stood up.

            “I know I’m clumsy, but that wasn’t my fault.”

            A soft mewl told him exactly whose fault it was, and he glanced up to see Nyx on the banister, glaring down at Tonks and hissing slightly. He sighed and held out his arms.

            “Come on then, you,” he said with a frown.

            The cat leapt into his arms, climbing up his chest and draping herself across his shoulders. Tonks glowered at her.

            “Its coming with us then?” she asked.

            “Yeah. She is.”

            “Well, Crookshanks’ll be happy at least,” she said before turning around and continuing on, rubbing her back as they went.

            “Sure you’re okay?”

            “Oh, and look who finally cares,” she said, but her tone was playful as was the look she shot back at him.

            He just shrugged, wondering why he bothered. They made their way out of the house and onto the front lawn where half of the Order seemed to have gathered.

            “In a better mood?” Hermione asked huffily. “You’re getting out of that house, you could at least pretend to be happy.”

            “Oh I am. Don’t I just look ecstatic?”

            Ron snorted with laughter and sobered at the glare she turned on him.

            “We pulled some strings at the Ministry to authorize a portkey,” she said. “Dumbledore doesn’t know about it, though. We did this for you.”

            “Thanks,” he said, grudgingly but honestly.

            “The portkeys activate in two minutes, so everyone be ready!” Moody said as loudly as he dared.

            A few thoughts raced through his mind as he stood, huddled together with Ron and Hermione and Tonks, his trunk pressing uncomfortably into his knee and Nyx scrabbling into his arms with a questioning ‘meow’. One was that he hoped no one on Privet Drive decided to look out their windows at that moment. It seemed that he thought that quite a bit, but then, they always did seem to be toeing the line when it came to doing magic around Muggles. His second thought was resentful.

            He knew Moody was there. Tonks, Ron and Hermione obviously, but he’d noticed right off the bat that amidst all of the members of the Order, Lupin was missing. Hermione had said it was because he assumed he wouldn’t want to see him. But of all the people here he’d replied to, Lupin, the one he hadn’t, was the one he wanted to see. It was his own fault, though and he had no right to be upset or . . . anything at all.

            But he was, and that was the last thought he had before he felt that all-too-familiar tug behind his bellybutton.