Fan Fiction

TYPICAL TYPES OF FAN FICTION:

ROMANCE

• The Good:

Lily glanced nervously across the space between the armchairs at James, who quickly shifted his gaze from her face.

"James," she began tentatively, "there's something I need to tell you."

How could she say it? How could she admit that she'd been wrong about her claim?

"No, Lily, you don't have to apologize. That was a stupid thing for me to say," he stammered.

"Wait," she stopped him. "Don't. It wasn't. I...I lied."

"What?"

"I lied, James. When I said I didn't love you, it wasn't true."

Lily's best friend looked up suddenly and saw the sparkle in the eyes of the girl he loved and, in that instant, the world was a wonderful place.

• The Bad:

Lily looked at her precious James, the light of her life, and wondered how she could possibly explain the feelings of passion burning inside her.

"Oh, James, James," she cried. "I must confess something to you."

"No, Lily," he replied calmly, in that sultry tone he reserved just for her. "We mustn't, I can't let you do this."

"Oh, but James, I love you! I love you so much, I think my heart could burst at any moment! We must be together!"

"Oh, my Lily, my love, my lovely Lily, you're right! We can't possibly allow this, this game to continue! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

And he swept her in his arms and kissed her, a kiss so deep it could be felt throughout the Gryffindor common room.

GENERAL (CANON) FICTION

• The Good:

Harry scanned the stands and spotted Hermione sitting with Ginny and Neville; all of them were watching Ron with pained expressions. Harry had to admit that Ron's goal-keeping abilities were much improved over last year's initially pitiful performances. Harry wondered what was going on at that side of the pitch, but he couldn't turn around to watch, as he was busy searching for that telltale flicker of gold that meant victory...

• The Bad:

Harry flied on his brooomstick over the other kids. Hermione was watching Ron and looking like he was doing bad. Harry thought Ron was doing pretty good now because last year, he sucked. He couldn't look at Ron though because, he was looking for the Golden Snatch.

SLASH

• The Okay If You Like This Stuff:

Ron moved closer to Hermione. Her legs began to shake, which she hoped Ron couldn't see.

"I love you, Hermione."

"I know."

He reached up to stroke her face and she sighed in contentment before catching his hand to kiss it. When she looked up, she saw Ron looking penetratingly into her eyes. A beat elapsed between them, and suddenly, the whole world was spinning as they drank each other in, softly and chastely at first, then hungrily. His mouth moved down her neck and she wondered if there was any greater pleasure than this...

• The Just Plain Ugly:

Ron and Hermione had finally discovered what it felt like to have passion for another human being, as Harry found out when he crept through the common room in his Invisibility Cloak on his way to the kitchens for a midnight snack. He felt the steamy passion emanating from their tangled limbs and couldn't stop himself from lunging to join in...

Meanwhile, Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy were conducting another secret rendezvous in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Their desire to remain loyal to their siblings and/or friends could not overcome their desire for each other.

"Oh, Ginny, you filthy little Mudblood," Draco purred.

"Oh, Draco, despite my pure blood, I love it when you talk dirty!"

In the background, Myrtle sighed. "I wish I had flesh."

Many miles away, in a certain house in London, Sirius stood washing the dishes. The flexing of those arm muscles that had been maintained during prison due to Sirius's unbreakable habit of doing push-ups every morning was starting to make a certain werewolf very, er, anxious. He could not really be attracted to Sirius as he was inconveniently straight. Or was he?

Sirius suddenly noticed him watching and said the word the reached deep into Remus's very soul: "What?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing," Remus found himself replying.

"No, no, I like it."

"What?" Remus echoed. "Do you mean..."

"Of course, my friend, my confidante, my...love," Sirius growled, raising one eyebrow, a look that had caused many girls to swoon in his better years.

Sirius's sudsy arms were suddenly pulling Remus into an embrace and, and...Severus, watching from the doorway, cleared his throat loudly.

After a hasty, attempted explanation from the other two, Severus offered, "I will not tell about his on one condition: may I join you?"

ANGST

• The Good:

The fact that Remus had lost three best friends didn't make it any easier to lose for the second time. There had been so much hope, now that Sirius had been back. It had been almost like old times for the past time or so. Remus had never truly believed that Sirius had done the deed that had sent him to prison. However, he couldn't have imagined Peter being guilty of it. That isolation had been bad enough. But this - after the loneliness had been lifted and then shattered back down upon him - this was akin to a form of torture.

• The Bad:

The death of Remus's three best friends was incredibly difficult to bear. Their lives had been snatched from them by the cruel hand of icy Death in the prime of their promising young lives. All except for Peter, the sniveling little coward; Remus would never stop hunting him. Sirius, Sirius, why?! You had so much to live for, even though you were sequestered from the life you should have had, locked in your dungeon of memories and regrets! Remus threw back his head and howled at the moon, "WHHYYYY?!!"

HUMOR

• The Good:

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were discussing haircuts at Grimmauld Place.

"Not to say that your windswept, punk look isn't, er, charming, Harry, but I really think that maybe if you'd just cut it a little shorter, it would lie flatter," Hermione was admonishing.

Ron jumped in with, "Oh, shut up, Your Frizzy-headedness."

Harry groaned and recited wearily, "I've told you, I can't get it neater, no matter what I do."

"I resent being called Frizzy-headed."

"Duly noted, Frizzy head."

Molly Weasley spoke up from the stove. "Harry, dear, all you need to do is to keep it clean, and whatever you do, don't grow it out long."

Snape chose this moment to leap in with some of his own ever-helpful advice. "Molly is right. If Potter follows the rules of proper grooming, he won't have these problems."

"But, how would you know? Your hair's all long and greasy," Ron said with a snort before realizing it was, well, stupid.

Snape appeared ready to explode at him, but then took stock and muttered, "Good point." He cleared his throat and said more loudly, "All the same, Weasley...detention!"

"It's summer," Hermione blurted. "Sir."

• The Bad (or, for another example, just see the one above):

"Harry, your hair is really messy," Hermione said one day.

"I know, it's because it looks cool, like I'm a famous Quidditch player or something," Harry exclaimed indignantly. "Why, didn't you notice how sexy it looks?"

"Now that you mention it..."

Ron looked at her, alarmed.

author peters out because author cannot even write bad humor

ALTERNATIVE REALITY/UNIVERSE

• The Good:

Ever since Peter had been reported killed, Sirius had harbored suspicions that it wasn't true. In his house in Surrey, where he could watch over Harry, Sirius talked to Remus about his seven-year-old godson's situation.

"I heard them getting into the car when I drove by the other day on the bike," he was saying. "The rhino threatened to lock him in his cupboard if he didn't behave."

Remus blinked.

"His cupboard, Remus, do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I know, Padfoot, but there's nothing we can do about it, Dumbledore said-"

"I don't care what Dumbledore said, I can't take it anymore, knowing how they treat him. I'm going over there and taking him away."

• The Bad:

Peter: "I am smart, funny, and good-looking."

Severus: "I have to go practice for my Quidditch game against Slytherin next Saturday. First, I must greet my fan club for autographs."

James: "I'm nervous and I have no idea how I'm going to pass my next test and Madam Hooch yelled at me the other day because I couldn't control my broomstick and, and..."

Remus: "Ah, my leather pants are ripped! Hey, wanna hear a good joke? Hey, good-lookin'! How you doin'?"

Lily: "Remus, I'm pregnant."

Sirius: "......oowwoooooooo"