Harry Potter and the Chain Letter From Hell!

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HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAIN LETTER FROM HELL

Chapter two -the discovery!

Hermione led her two friends down a complicated series of passageways, over several sets of stairs, and then some. Eventually they came to a portrait of an attractive young girl in a pink dress. She giggled and waved at Ron, who went pink.

"Pack it in blondie," Hermione growled at the portrait.

"Go on then," Harry said, slightly amused, "say the password; let us in."

Harry, Ron and the portrait all looked at Hermione expectantly. Hermione looked pained. She blushed profusely before just about whispering, "Blow me."

Harry gasped. Ron fell over. The portrait opened. Harry dragged Ron through the portrait and Hermione followed after him. Ron was sat on one of the big white sofas looking pale as Harry sat next to him and looked around. It was nice. It was a big room of a neutral magnolia colour, there was a large fireplace where the two big, white, squashy sofas were situated close by.

"Blow me?" Ron cracked hoarsely, "BLOW ME!?"

"Yeah, I was wondering about that," Harry said, turning to look at Hermione. She blushed further.

"It wasn't me fuck-wits!" she shouted. Harry and Ron continued to look at her expectantly.

"Malfoy reached the portrait before I did," she explained as she sat down on the couch opposite them. Harry and Ron nodded in male comprehension. Hermione looked disgusted.

"Now I've recovered, let's go and smash Malfoy's head in with the toast-that-must-not-be-eaten," Ron said with a barbaric grin. They all got up and walked towards the two doors on the far wall.

"Is this Malfoy's room?" Harry asked, pointing to one door.

"You need stronger glasses," Hermione said. "That door has an engraving of a lion on it." Harry squinted at the door.

"Oh yeah," he said lamely. Ron, who hadn't actually been listening, but had been watching the progression of an interesting piece of fluff as it floated through the air, snapped back to reality.

"So, this door then," said Ron vaguely as he pushed past Harry and barged into the room.

"No, Ron!" Hermione yelled, but Ron had already entered. "That's my room!" Ron had stopped dead a few metres into the room. It was a mess. Books, parchment and quills littered the floor and desk. There were clothes strewn all over the bed, but this was not really what had stopped Ron from advancing further into the room. Harry looked over Ron's shoulder and Hermione cringed in the background. There was one drawer fully open and various arrays of underwear were spilling out onto the floor. Hermione ran past Ron, tried to close the drawer, failed, let out a moan, grabbed a particularly bright pink bra and ran out again. Ron's face was a painful purple colour, Hermione had pulled her tank top over her face and Harry was very red in the cheeks. Harry grabbed Ron by the shoulders and pulled him out of the room. Hermione had lain down on the floor and covered her face with her hands and the bra. Harry chuckled at her as he positioned Ron against a wall and knelt down next to her.

"Herm," he said, amused. She parted her fingers and looked at him.

"I just haven't had time to clear up," she said weakly. Harry laughed as he took her hands and pulled her to her feet. Ron had slid down the wall and had his head between his knees.

"Come on Ron," Harry said cheerfully, "attacking Malfoy will help you recover."

Ron looked up at him and gave him a weak smile.

"I just hope Malfoy's underwear isn't all on display," Ron said as he stood up. Hermione blushed, but quickly covered it with a scowl.

"Fuck you Ron... fuck you!" she said. She only half meant it and couldn't hide a small smile as she moved to Malfoy's door and opened it. She wandered in, closely followed by her 2 male friends. They looked around at the green and silver surroundings.

"Red and gold are so much more attractive," Hermione commented as she gave the room a disapproving look. Harry had crept close to the bed and glanced in.

"He isn't here," he stated gloomily. Ron's face fell. Hermione wandered over to the desk. A few books, some quills and ink, a magazine of half-naked women...

"Yuck!" she exclaimed, pulling a face as she picked it up gingerly. There was a small piece of parchment nestled beneath. She picked that up too, it looked like a letter. She read it quietly to herself.

"I have sent the weapon recently, it will arrive in a few days. Be prepared."

She frowned down at it.

"You guys, come here," she said urgently. They hurried over to her and looked over her shoulders.

"Read this," she said. Ron and Harry exchanged a look.

"You want us to read 'Super Sexy Witch Babes'?" Harry asked, looking at the magazine in her hand.

"If that's what the lady wants," Ron said eagerly, taking the magazine.

Hermione gave Ron a sour look; "You are a fucking moron sometimes."

Ron shrugged as she snatched the magazine back and threw it a few feet away. She brandished the piece of parchment and Harry took it. He read it then gave it to Ron. He stared at Hermione hard.

"Wonder who Malfoy's sending that to?" Ron said apprehensively.

"How do we know he is sending it?" Hermione pointed out sensibly,

"He could have received it."

"Well whatever the situation is," Harry said, frowning, "Malfoy's...."

"Malfoy's what?" a voice questioned. All three of them jumped guiltily as Ron hid his hands behind his back, concealing the letter. They turned to the door. Malfoy was leaning against the doorframe with a raised eyebrow.

"Erm...." Harry began.

"Ah...." Ron added.

"Geh...." Hermione finished

"Fascinating," Malfoy drawled.

"We were just... looking for something," Hermione said.

"And why would you be doing that in my room?" he asked, his eyes passing over them. They lingered on Hermione and she swallowed with great difficulty. She looked desperately at Harry. Ron was attempting to stuff the parchment into his back pocket.

"I was looking for... my bra!" she screeched.

'Why did I say that?' she thought to herself as she watched Malfoy's eyes widen.

"In my room?" he asked incredulously. Hermione faked a laugh.

"No... Ron and Harry just came in here to check because... er... I couldn't... em... find it anywhere, and you are a bit of a pervert." She clapped her hand over her mouth in shock as Malfoy raised an eyebrow and chuckled. Ron and Harry stood there gawping at her in disbelief. She gave them a hapless look.

"Well, erm, they were looking in here when I found it... er... down the side of the sofa, so... I... came in here to tell them I'd found it," she finished as she waved the pink bra at him as evidence. She stared at Malfoy, willing him to believe her. He closed his eyes and chuckled again.

"Well, now you've found it, would you mind getting out of my room?"

Harry and Ron scrambled past Hermione, past Malfoy and out into the common room. Hermione attempted to walk sedately past Malfoy, but ended up tripping, affording him a decent view of her knickers. She blushed violently as Malfoy caught her arm.

'Note to self,' she thought as she glared at the floor, 'never wear a short skirt and these strappy efforts of shoes... ever....'

"Careful Granger, you could hurt yourself," he said as she glanced at him, "and nice knickers."

'Second note to self,' she thought as she blushed even more, 'never wear orange knickers... ever.'

"Geh-beh-ah-erm," she said as she stood up.

"Most articulate," Malfoy said with a cold smirk. Hermione slid into the common room.

The three Gryffindors let out a collective sigh of relief. They had got away with it. Malfoy swept past them and sat on one of the sofas.

'Damn he sweeps good,' Hermione thought involuntarily. She was startled by that train of thought and shook her head to remove it. Malfoy glared at them from the couch.

"So, Malfoy's what?" Malfoy asked.

"What?" all three asked in unison, confused.

"When I found you intruding in my room, Potter was saying, 'Malfoy's... something', but I interrupted," Malfoy said smoothly. The Gryffindors exchanged glances.

"Very rude of me, I do apologise," he said, sounding anything but apologetic, "So do finish, Malfoy's what?"

Harry looked at Ron who shrugged helplessly. He looked to Hermione who was opening and closing her mouth like a distressed goldfish. He returned to Malfoy's unrelenting gaze, then a thought hit him with so much force that he rocked backwards a little.

"Pervert!" he yelled out. Ron nearly fell over from the shock, Hermione looked at him like he'd sprouted another head, with fur, and horns, and he was oozing slime from his mouth, all in one. Malfoy raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah! We were saying you were a pervert!" he elaborated, giving Hermione an encouraging look. Her eyes lit up.

"Because of the magazine!" she said with sudden comprehension, looking at Harry in triumph.

"Magazine?" Malfoy asked, confused.

"The 'Super Sexy Witch Babes' one," Harry commented. Ron slapped himself on the forehead and made 'of course' sorts of noises until Hermione nudged him none too gently in the ribs with her elbow. Malfoy's cheeks were a little pink.

"It's not really that perv-y," Malfoy said offhandedly. Hermione's jaw dropped.

"Are you kidding me!?" she screeched. Everyone winced.

"Have you seen the girls in Slytherin house?" he roared, jumping up and facing her. Hermione's look of fury, changed to one of bewilderment, then amusement.

"Oh," she snorted with repressed laughter. Malfoy couldn't stop the small laugh that escaped from him, which set Hermione off.

'Damn, she's cute when she laughs,'' Malfoy thought to himself. He was shocked to discover that he did actually find the Gryffindor girl exceptionally attractive. He looked at her incredulously for a while and then laughed along with her. Ron and Harry stared at the two, then stared at each other then shook their heads in disbelief and embarrassment for Hermione. When they eventually stopped laughing, Hermione had tears streaming down her face and Malfoy had had to sit down because he was laughing so hard.

"Fuck me!" he said giggling. Hermione grinned.

"Well let's go, Hermione, before you and Draco laugh about something completely unfunny for another ten minutes," Ron snarled as he made his way to the portrait hole. Harry followed with a shrug and a bemused look at Hermione. Hermione nodded her agreement and turned to leave.

"Hey, Granger," Malfoy said. Hermione stopped and looked at him over her shoulder.

"Would you be willing to pose for me in those very fetching orange knickers and possibly that pink bra your holding?"

Hermione just looked shocked as her mouth dropped open.

"It's just that I've looked at all those pictures in that magazine millions of times and I need some fresh meat."

Hermione went red with embarrassment and anger. Ron was looking none to pleased, and Harry looked like he'd been hit with a wet fish.

"Bite. My. Arse!" Hermione bit out as she glared at Malfoy. He merely grinned at her.

"Maybe later," he said, glancing at his watch, "I don't really have time now."

Hermione snarled something incoherent and hurled the pink bra at him. He caught it and waved. Ron looked like he was going to explode. He grabbed a piece of toast from out of his pocket and lobbed it at Malfoy's head. It hit him on the temple.

"God damn it Weasley! That was like a brick!" he yelled as he clutched his injured head. Ron merely smirked evilly as Hermione stomped her way to the portrait hole and shoved Harry and Ron through.

"I swear, I will nail that little bastard one day!" she yelled as she punched a wall. Ron and Harry exchanged another look. They each gently grabbed one of Hermione's elbows and lifted her slightly off the ground.

"Come on, Herm," Ron said soothingly, "let's go to the Great Hall."

"Yeah," Harry agreed as they began to walk, "it'll be nice and calm, nice and calm."

Hermione continued to growl as they escorted her down the stairs.