Look At Me

I don't know what got into me that night; don't know what compelled me to do what I did. But... I don't regret it either. How could I regret it?

She just looked so pretty that night, when we sat together by the fire, in the common room. Her hair was out - usually she braids it, but tonight it was out. She just has the most gorgeous hair I've ever seen, long and thick, and so dark. I was just playing with it, like I do. It glints so prettily in the firelight. Of course, it's not always that comfortable, sitting next to the fire - you feel like one side of you's burning, but it's pleasant all the same. Besides, Parvarti was there.

I could swear she was glowing - her skin had a luster in it I could only dream of. And it doesn't help that she's only the most beautiful thing on the planet. Even some of the boys can see that, and they're just boys, and blind. Boys always are. Perhaps they're the lucky ones - they don't have to be constantly aware of how beautiful their best friend is. And she is beautiful.

Then again, their best friends are mostly other boys. I've yet to know a boy I could call beautiful. Then again, I've also yet to meet a girl I could call beautiful, next to Parvarti.

But I've gotten sidetracked. I don't know what came over me that evening, like I said. But when we went upstairs to our dorm, well... Hermione wasn't up there yet, and we were alone, and I, well... I kissed her. And it was like... well, I don't know what it was like. I've nothing to compare it to. But it was soft, and she was warm. It made me ache inside. So I kissed her again. And she... she kissed me back. She is the most gorgeous girl in the world and she can have anyone she likes and she kissed me back.

Then I worried about what would happen if Hermione came up and saw us, so I stopped. Parvarti looked at me, confused and cuter than ever. She pulled me onto her bed, and I was on top of her, kissing her again - because really, how could I not? I was still worried though, so I pulled away to shut the curtains. She sat up and stared at me, then, and I looked at her and she said, "Do you..." all shy, and I nodded. I think she smiled, and she pulled me back down, and we were pressed against each other, and she was so pretty, and so warm, and so Parvarti. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before - it was better.

I don't know when, but we must have taken our clothes off... I found mine on the floor in the morning, after she'd left. I don't know what Hermione must've thought, but... well, she probably would've been right.

I don't know... I don't know why I did it, or why she did it, or why exactly we ended up together that night, naked and close, but hell... does it matter why? I'd never even thought about doing those things to... with, I mean with, Parvarti before. Okay, I'd imagined kissing her, but nothing more. And we did do more, and... hell. Well, I can't talk about that. It's not... well, it seems disrespectful. But why am I worried about doing something wrong now? Oh, I don't mean what we did was wrong, but... but I slept in her bed that night and when I woke up she was gone. And I had to dress quickly and run down to the Great Hall, but when I got there she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even look at me. I don't know... I don't know what I did wrong.

I think that Hermione noticed we weren't talking, because she came up and asked me if I was okay. She's alright, really, Hermione. I said I was fine, of course, that it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. How could it be nothing? Parvarti hasn't spoken to me all week.

I really miss her. Even though she's right there, I miss her. She's been avoiding me. She can't always avoid me, of course, but even then she pointedly ignores me... I don't know what I'd say even if I did think she'd listen.

I know I said I don't regret it, but I kind of wish it hadn't happened, just so that Parvarti would still be talking to me. I don't know what to do - she's my best friend. I don't even have any other friends. I always had her, so I didn't think I'd ever need anyone else.

But now... well, Parvarti obviously doesn't want me. So I just... I just have to get by, I guess.

She's still gorgeous, of course, and I miss her like anything. And even if I never got to kiss her again, I wish she'd at least look at me. Or say hello... But now she purposefully walks past me, without a glance. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

I must be repeating myself now. But... I love her so much, not even like, well, romantically - just as a friend. And if I'd known she'd ignore me like this, well...

I just want her back. It's not right, me without Parvarti. I always thought we'd be friends forever.

But I guess I wasn't content with that. I wanted more. And that cost me everything.

I just wish she'd look at me.