When Draco Met Hermione

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter (all 3 of you! He he). I really enjoy writing this stuff :-D remember to keep reading, and check out my "Empire Records" parody!

Chapter Two: Great Sex

After a few hours of driving, Hermione and Draco had switched places. They were presently arguing in the car about the muggle movie "Casablanca."

"You're wrong," claimed Hermione.

"I'm not wrong," insisted Draco, "he wants......"

"NO! You're wrong."

".........he wants her to leave, that's why he put her on the plane."

Hermione shook her head, "I don't think she wants to stay."

Draco laughed and gave Hermione a look that said he was determined to win the argument. "Of course she wants to stay! Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?"

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar! I probably sound very snobbish to you, but I don't." Hermione crossed her arms across her chest as if to make that action a final point in her argument.

Draco sighed, "You'd rather be in a passionless marriage?"

"And be the first lady of the United States." Hermione was standing firm on her argument.

"Than live with the man you've had the greatest sex of your life with, and just because he owns a bar and that's all he does?"

"Yes," said Hermione. Her voice was quavering a bit, but she was determined to make her point. "And so had any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie."

At this point, Draco was getting rather hungry. He saw a small diner on the lonely highway they were on and pulled in.

"I understand," said Draco before he got out of the car.

"What? What?"

"Nothing."

"What?" Hermione was getting visibly annoyed.

"Forget about it."

"For....what? Forget about what?"

"It's not important." 'Boy,' thought Draco, 'it easy as hell to get on this girl's nerves.'

"So? Just tell me!"

Draco sighed and gave Hermione a look that one gives a patient who is on their death bed. "Obviously, you haven't had great sex yet." Draco got out of the car and walked into the diner with Hermione fast at his heels.

"Two please," said Draco to the waitress at the door. The young lady just looked at him and popped the gum in her mouth. 'Disgusting muggle habit,' thought Draco. She pointed a hot pink nail in the direction of a table on the far side of the diner.

"Over there."

Hermione followed Draco to the table and sat down fuming.

"YES I HAVE."

"No you haven't," said Draco as he opened his menu.

"It just so happens," said Hermione in a curt tone, "that I have had plenty of good sex." The restaurant suddenly became extremely quiet, and Hermione finally realized how loudly she had said that. She slumped down in her seat as Draco grinned.

"With who?"

"What?" Hermione was looking at her menu and trying to compose herself after her little outburst. The last thing she wanted was to look at Draco. She knew he was smirking at her.

Draco leaned across the table and pushed down the menu so he could see Hermione's face.

"With whom did you have this great sex?"

Hermione blushed to the roots of her hair. "I am not going to tell you that!"

"Fine," said Draco, "don't tell me." He crossed his arms over his chest, leaned back, and to Hermione's dismay, he smirked the whole time.

Hermione huffed and mumbled under her breath. Draco leaned forward again and tilted her chin up. She glared at him, "Shel Gordon."

Draco could barely contain himself. "Shel? ShelDON? No, no, you didn't have great sex with............SHELDON!"

"I did too!" Hermione's fist hit the table, causing some of the silverware to fall on the ground. She found herself once again the center of attention in the small diner. She bent down to pick up the silverware, completely aware that Draco had some scathing or sarcastic comment to make once she was done cleaning up her mess. 'Who does this guy think he is? Draco Malfoy, big deal.'

Hermione finished picking up the silverware and laid them on the corner of the table so the waitress could pick them up. She stared across the table where Draco was staring back with a vacant expression. Hermione opened her mouth to say something when Draco held up his hand. Her mouth closed, a frown left on her face.

"No, you didn't. A SHELDON can do your muggle taxes. If you need someone to re-grow your bones, Sheldon would be you man, but humping and pumping is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name." Draco leaned back on his chair and pretended to swoon. "Do it to me 'Sheldon,' you're an animal 'Sheldon,' ride me big 'Sheldon.' Draco looked at Hermione who was a big taken aback by his 'dramatization.' He SMIRKED, "Doesn't work."

Just then, the waitress came to their table, pad and pen in hand.

"Hi, what can I get ya?"

Draco perused his menu, a little annoyed that he picked this place to eat. He never understood the purpose of little urn down establishments such as the diner where he and Hermione were sitting now. Nor did he understand how casual the service was.

"I'll have a number three."

Hermione looked up from her menu and gave the waitress a weak smile. She was still a bit flustered at the conversation she and Draco had been having, "I'd like the chef salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode."

The waitress was scribbling on her pad, "Chef and apple a la mode," she mumbled out loud. She looked at the couple in front her, waiting to see if there was anything else that was needed.

Hermione cleared her throat so that the waitress would stop staring at Draco. " I would like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top I want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it and if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real if it's out of the can then nothing."

Draco and the waitress gave Hermione looks of bewilderment. Hermione took a breath and sat back in her chair.

The waitress was bit confused, "Not even the pie?"

"No," explained Hermione, "just the pie, but then not heated."

"Uh huh."

"What?" Hermione glared at the waitress who promptly glared back and walked away.

Draco was amused at this girl. She was very precise, obviously brought up well, but a bit uptight. Not someone he would EVER get involved in, she was too bossy and particular and well, not much of a challenge for him. He looked at Hermione who seemed satisfied that they were finally going to eat.

"So, how come you broke up with Sheldon?"

"How do you know we broke up?" Hermione regretted that retort as soon as it left her mouth, she knew she had retaliated too fast.

"Because, if you didn't break up you wouldn't be here with me, you'd be off with Sheldon, the wonder schlong."

Draco was enjoying the fact that she was getting extremely irritated. He sensed it took very little to push her buttons.

Hermione leaned forward a bit and scowled. "First of all, I am not *with* you, and second of all it is none of your business why we broke up."

"You're right, you're right," Draco held up his hands in mock surrender, "I don't want to know."

"Well, if you must know," Draco smiled at the fact he pushed another right button. Hermione continued to defend herself, "it was because he was very jealous and I had these days-of-the-week knickers."

Draco pressed down on the table as if he was pressing a buzzer, "EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hermione frowned, and Draco continued, "I'm sorry I need a judge's ruling on this............days-of-the-week knickers?"

Hermione put on her bravest face, "Yes, they had the days of the week on them and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, 'You never wear Sunday.' It was all suspicious, where was Sunday? Where was Sunday? And I told him and he didn't believe me."

"Why?" Draco was enjoying her little defense story.

"They don't make Sunday."

"Why?"

"Well, they were muggle knickers, they don't make Sunday because muggles believe in God."

Before Draco could even come up with anything to say, the waitress came out with their food.

Hermione and Draco ate in silence. They actually missed the bickering a bit, but they were both tired and hungry.