Tears

In every frozen heart,

there lies a weakness,

a spot where, if touched,

the warmth inside will spill out.

But every spill carves a deep hole

and the recovery

may be worse

than living with the icy pain.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Chapter One - Decent People are So Simple to Manipulate

Dark shadows pass by my window. The sun is setting. I wonder how long I have been riding. Riding to a place where wonderful dreams lie. Dreams that will never come true.

I am hungry. It aches like I imagine a heartache would ache. It gets worse and worse until the pain numbs you, and you don't care anymore. Until fixing it would hurt more than simply letting it be. Letting it kill you.

I could eat, but I would gain nothing. The hunger distracts me, so I do not know how lonely I am. I can control myself.

I hear a knock, and snap back to reality. I look up to see a girl at the window. The girl's hair radiates a brilliant red through the window. Her eyes sparkle with fervor I have never seen in my own. She is full of life. She looks annoyed, but she tries to hide it. She smiles.

I slide open the door and attempt to smile back. Sometimes - right now - smiling is like pretending you don't mind their teasing, because you know no one will care how much it hurts. You do it because you will only lose more if you don't.

She looks a little uncomfortable. "Is it okay if I sit here? My brothers are...,"

I cut her off. "I don't need an explanation."

She sits, taken slightly aback, but looking obviously grateful. Maybe I am too forward, but I am not one for holding up pointless pretenses. I don't need, I don't want, to hear her story. I can tell there is pain in her story, but there is no reason for her to share it with me.

"I'm Jade." I look up at her questioningly.

"Ginny. Are you new? I've never seen you before. You certainly don't look like a first year."

"I'm eighteen."

"And...?" She obviously wants an explanation. Hogwarts must not accept many transfer students.

"I transferred from a school on the other side of England." She still seems curious. Before she can dig into my history, I speak up. "I'd rather not go into detail." I look down. It works. She doesn't pursue it.

Decent people are so simple to manipulate. I know I can't get a true friend by way of manipulation, but I can get an acquaintance then work from there.

"Well, Hogwarts is the best."

I smile secretly. "So I've heard." My challenge, just as I expected, leads to a long explanation, and a reason for me to simply sit and listen.

She launches into a detailed explanation of why Hogwarts is so wonderful. I love to listen to her. I'm given an inkling of why she is so alive. Her life is alive.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The train has stopped, and I can hear the mad rush of people getting off the train. "Come on, we've go to get off. If you sit there like that, staring out the window, for long enough, they'll take you back to King's Cross." She waits for me to move. The glowing red of her hair fascinates me. "Are you going to come, or not?"

"Oh, right. Sorry." I reach for my trunk.

"Leave that. They'll get it later."

I follow her out of the train and into the horseless carriages that would take us up to the school. When we get inside the Great Hall, she looks awkward and unhappy. "I have to go over to my house table. You should probably go talk to Professor McGonagall." She points at a stern looking older woman who appears to be reprimanding a younger child for attempting to smuggle in a broom. "I guess I'll see you."

She turns to leave. "By the way...thanks." She smiles, though like when I first saw her, it's forced, and walks away.

I watch her leave. Her face is set, but I see the foreboding in her eyes. The pain there is so strong that I suddenly feel helpless when I know I have no power to make it go away.

I do not need to go over to the headmistress. When I turn my gaze from Ginny, she is walking up to me. "You must be Jade," she says, down to business, "Follow me."

"Yes, Ma'am."

She leads me just out of the hall to a large stone statue. She speaks the password and it slowly rises as spinning stone steps appear. At the top of them, she enters her office and indicates for me to sit down.

"Hogwarts rarely has new students. I understand that, under your circumstances, it could not be avoided, but I wish you to be pulled into the normal student body as soon as possible. As I'm sure you know, Hogwarts is separated into houses. You need to be sorted, but I doubt you want to be sorted with the first years. If you would please put this on so you can take your seat before the standard sorting."

I take the hat and place it on my head. It speaks into my ear. "Let's see...I can feel Slytherin blood in your veins. You're cunning...dangerously so...but smart enough...Have you nothing to say?" It sounds surprised.

"No," I mutter, wanting this over with.

"Slytherin," he says this to the room at large. McGonagall briskly takes the hat off, places it on a stool and vanishes both objects with a flick of her wand. She then leads me back to the Great Hall and indicates the Slytherin table. It does not look like a happy group. "Pansy, the head girl," McGonagall nods at a pallid girl sitting at the table, " will show you your dormitory and classes." She walks away.

I stare at Ginny from across the hall as the first years are sorted. The lips that should be smiling, the eyes that should be glittering so brightly that I could see it from here are dead. She has completely lost the fervor I saw a glimpse of in the train.

Suddenly, I know it's not enough to understand her pain. I need to be able to I wonder what kind of horrible thing must have happened to dampen a spirit like hers. I need to be able to shield her from the torture.

She glances toward me. She looks questioning for a moment, but her eyes are still deep with a cold indifference. Her mask is up again, and she has dug it in deep in hopes that it will stay.

"Pansy..." I tap the girl lightly on the shoulder. "I'm going to go over to that table." I point. "I'll be back when the feast is over," I say when I see the look on her face, but she seems no happier with that

.

"Jade - that is your name, right?" I nod. "Okay, you haven't been her long, so you won't understand it completely, but that's Gryffindor. Gryffindor and Slytherin are...enemies. Mortal enemies. We don't speak to each other except to throw insults. So, you can go over, but if you want the rest of the house to talk to you, I wouldn't. Why do you want to go over there?"

"Ginny." I plan to go on, but I don't need to.

Pansy raises an eyebrow. "Well, I suppose there could be someone worse, but not much. She's dirt poor and her family is all muggle lovers."

"You actually judge people like that?" I stare at her, disgusted.

Pansy doesn't answer for a moment, as if she's sizing me up, deciding how much to tell me. "You're a Slytherin now. You should learn to act like it. You don't want to make enemies with Slytherins. Believe me. Slytherins play dirty." She smirks.

I eat nothing. The food is wonderful, but I don't care. It takes everything I have not to run across the hall and hold Ginny. She looks so forsaken, so vulnerable sitting there alone. I want to hold her as she cries, for I know, underneath, she is near tears. Hold her until her eyes are dry, and longer. I want to make her safe, but I don't.

I can't. I've been cold for so long that I don't know how to be anything different. Even though, for once, I really care, I can't show it. I'm scared, but I won't even admit it to myself. What will it feel like if I try to let her in, and she pushes me away?

McGonagall is speaking to the students. I don't listen at first, but when I see how her words affect Ginny I start to pay attention.

"Dumbledore," she says, "would have wanted us, not to give up, to give in, but to fight. Danger surrounds us; death has violently pulled so many loved ones from our midst. But, there are, among us, heroes who give us hope of a new beginning, a world untainted by evil. We must pull together and cherish this hope, or it will be lost forever."

I watch through the end of the speech as Ginny tries to control her shaking, then, as McGonagall sits, runs out of the room ignoring the calls of her housemates.

"Pansy, I'm going now."

She looks reproachful. "Fine. Meet me here in about an hour."

I run out of the hall into a rather confusing labyrinth of halls, stairs and doors which may or may not have been real. I look around wondering where to start looking, but it's easier than I thought it would be. She's sitting in a ball on the stairs, unable to go any farther.

I run up and sit next to her. "Ginny..."

"No, I don't need your consolation or your pitying glances when you think I'm not looking. I was hoping you, at least, would be able to treat me like a person, not a china doll."

"Ginny, just because you don't want to admit it doesn't mean you don't need help. I should know. When you least want comfort, often that is when you need it the most."

She tries to lash back at me, but I put a finger to her mouth. "You don't need to fight with me. Let me do this. Just this once." I sneak my arm around her back and pull her face into my lap.

I run a hand through her hair, gently pulling at the vibrant but soft curls.

We sit there for a long time. She's calmer than she was before, but she's not ready to be on her own. The feast is almost over now. I don't need students running around us like a mob.

"Ginny, I told Pansy I'd meet her after the feast so she could show me my dorm. Can you come now?" She doesn't speak, but I look in her eyes wanting an answer. She nods gently.

I stand, then pull her up. Placing a protective arm around her, I walk her towards the Great Hall. As we step into the hall, Pansy sees us, and walks our way.

"What took you so long?" she demands. I looked pointedly at Ginny who doesn't seem to want to speak. Pansy gives me a strange look.

"Can you just show me where my dormitory is? We can work on finding my classes later." I give her a stare that tells her there is no point in arguing.

"Come on," she says resigned.

She leads me down deeper into the castle to a damp stone wall.

"Revenge." she whispers where only I can hear then turns as the door opens and explains, "That's the password."

She steps through the door.

"This is the Slytherin common room, and..." she walks quickly across it to a set of spiral stairs, "your dorm room is down here." She walks and Ginny and I follow after.

Pansy lays her robe down on one of the beds. "This is my bed." She indicates the first of a line of beds draped with silver and green curtains; a snake is embroidered on the bottom corner of each item. Pansy's bed is specially done up in silk. It is so obviously the bed belonging to a rich girl of one of the old wizarding families with pure blood mania. "Yours is right there," she points to a bed on the left. "Millicent and Daphne won't be back for a while, I saw them earlier and they were...very busy...separately of course."

I acknowledge her with a nod then guide Ginny to the bed Pansy has named as mine. "No one will hurt you here."

"No one?" She is speaking softly, but I can tell she's very angry. "You idiot. This is the Slytherin dormitory. You might as well have brought me straight to Voldemort. They've hurt me before. Don't think they won't do it again. You're stupid if you think you can keep them away."

"Ginny, they won't get you while I'm watching you. I promise. And I won't leave you alone with them. Stop arguing with me when I'm trying to help you, and sleep." I try to remember not to frighten her, that she's scared already, but I can't keep the demanding tone out of my voice.

I pull off her shoes as she lies down. "Sleep." She's still tense, but as I stroke her hair she calms, and sleeps. I find my trunk by the end of the bed and dig for my nightshirt. Pulling it on, I shiver as the cold breaths through the thin fabric. I pull at the locket I wear always around my neck. Opening it up, I see the smiling yet sad picture of my mother. She died soon after the picture was taken, a tragic accident, or so I've been told. Shutting it, I hide it under my nightdress.

Pulling up the covers, I lie next to Ginny. I stroke her hair and back as I think of what McGonagall said. Why had it hurt Ginny so much?

People are not easy to love. Everyone has faults. I see them like I see the hundreds of pimples hidden under thick layers of make-up on girls' faces. That is my greatest fault. I see their faults and I don't even try to forgive. I see what I would hate about them so I do not even get to know them. I distance myself from them for fear of realizing I have the same shortcomings. I stay away so I can keep up my vision of perfection.

I have not, until now, seen anyone who seemed wonderful enough to be worth giving up any small part of the power that loving them would. Still, somehow, I know that she is. I know that if I do not take this opportunity, I may never have another one.

I realize that I already care for her, more than I've cared for anyone else I've ever known, and I'm not even sure why. Because even though lying in bed with her is nothing that really signifies anything, as she didn't have a choice not to come, I'm happy, holding her, giving her the strength she needs. I want to heal her, and then see her soar.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I saw you, in the cold daybreak

Still letting others control you, unable to do anything.

The tears trickling down your face, like flower petals."

(Drain Away, Kyo - Dir en grey)