Nothing On Earth

Chapter 13

2:31 PM

Lucius was dealing cards for a game of bridge when Petunia appeared at the other end of the smoking room. Even at a distance, he could tell she was annoyed. He looked away, pretending not to notice her until she reached their table.

"Hello Petunia," Lucius sighed, hearing the click of her heels as she stopped beside him. He didn't bother to look up and greet her properly. "Do you need something?"

"You never showed up for our luncheon!" Petunia responded in her shrill, irritating voice. Lucius and the other three men at the time winced. "I had to sit at the table by myself until I got invited to another table! Do you know how humiliated I was, stood up by both my sister and her fiancé?"

"I apologise, Petunia," Lucius replied automatically, though he was not feeling very sorry at all. "My plans changed and there was no time to alert you. I assure you, it will not happen again."

Petunia huffed in an exasperated way, and Lucius supposed she was glaring at him. He threw another card at Black, who suddenly looked rather uncomfortable, and didn't bother to say anything more to her, hoping she would go away.

"Well, that explains half of the problem. But where was Lily? Did your change of plans include having a romantic luncheon with her as well?" Petunia continued, much to Lucius's disappointment. He'd hoped she would've gotten the hint and -

Lucius paused mid-deal.

"What do you mean? I didn't have lunch with Lily. She was supposed to have lunch with you," he replied, finally looking up at her.

"She never showed up," Petunia stated simply, placing one delicate hand on her hip. Her hat was pulled low over her eyes, casting a shadow over them and giving her normally harmless-looking face a dark, threatening look.

"Never showed up?" Lucius repeated, absentmindedly throwing the last card to Regulus and sitting back in his chair to observe her. "But she was with you for most of the morning. Where'd she disappear to?"

"Well," Petunia said, pursing her lips in distaste. "It was barely noon when she left to go talk with him - " she fixed her angry blue eyes on Black, " - and she never came back. I thought she must've gone to have lunch with you, but I obviously assumed incorrectly."

Tom pulled the cigar he had been chewing on for the past ten minutes out of his mouth and looked at Black as well. "Where did you say Miss Evans ran off to after you finished speaking with her?"

"After I finished, she yelled at me because I upset her with some of my comments," Black recited in a bored tone as he observed them over his hand of cards. "So she stomped off around the port side of the ship and I don't know where she went from there. It's not my responsibility to baby-sit her, after all."

Lucius snapped his fingers in annoyance and Severus stepped away from the fireplace, hovering near Black's seat.

"Severus, I believe it will ease Petunia's mind if you go and search for Lily," Lucius instructed. "And this time, please actually locate her before you come back."

Severus flushed in embarrassment, but nodded his understanding and walked from the table. Lucius then turned to Petunia and put a smile on his face.

"Once again, I do apologise for my actions earlier. I do hope it didn't cause you any permanent damage. You're more than welcome to sit with us, if you like."

To the relief of everyone at the table, Petunia shook her head in refusal and muttered an excuse about meeting some of her friends for a walk out on the Boat Deck. She left the smoking room in a much pleasanter mood after bidding them all farewell.

"Finally," Regulus breathed, picking up his cards and looking them over. "I thought she'd never leave. Bloody harpy..."

"Now, Regulus. That's no way to talk about Lucius's future sister-in-law," Tom scolded half-heartedly, before putting his cigar back in his mouth and chewing on the end.

Regulus mumbled a not-so-sincere apology, but Lucius waved it off and they started the game.

They managed to play three games uninterrupted (Tom, of course, won every time) before Severus returned, a smug and sure look on his face.

"Found her already, did you?" Black asked scathingly. It was his turn to deal the cards and he shuffled them listlessly from one hand to the next, waiting for Severus to reply.

"Yes, I did," Severus responded shortly, fixing Black with a poisonous glare before turning to Lucius. "Miss Evans is currently in the library, reading. Would you like me to go fetch her or - "

"No, that's fine," Lucius declined, setting his hand down on the table and rising from his chair. "I think I shall go find Lily myself and see exactly why she decided to skip lunch...and it had better not be the reason that I think it is."

As Lucius left the table, Black strangely sunk lower in his chair, covering most of his face with his cards.

***

The sun splashed brightly on pages of her book, shadows dancing merrily as she turned or fingered its pages.

Lily sighed. She had been reading the same page for the past ten minutes, never really taking in Emily Bronte's words or paying attention to the story any way, though it really didn't matter; she'd read Wuthering Heights before.

"I see no reason that he should not know, as well as you," I returned, "and if you are his choice, he will be the most unfortunate creature that ever was born! As soon as you become Mrs. Linton, he loses friend, and love, and all! Have you ever considered how you'll bear the separation, and how he'll bear to be quite deserted in the world? Because, Miss Catherine" -

"He quite deserted! We separated!" she exclaimed with an accent of indignation. "Who is to separate us, pray? They'll meet the fate of Milo! Not as long as I live, Ellen: for no mortal creature. Every Linton on the face of the earth might melt into nothing before I could consent to forsake Heathcliff!"

The first book she had picked off the shelf had been a collection of Shakespearean plays. That one had been slammed back into its place the moment she saw the title and the noise had earned her a glare from the other, browsing passengers. She had picked Wuthering Heights after seeing no other titles she was interested in, then she had stormed over to a spare chair in the corner, and had sat there, stewing, for the next few hours.

Lily hadn't meant to come into the library, of all places, after...after the incident on the deck. She hadn't been looking for place of stillness and tranquillity, where she could sit undisturbed for hours at an end and be forced to think. She had been looking for a place where she could scream, throw things, rage about, and not think about what had happened, what she had said...what he had said...

"...Usually, I don't take to cowardly, shallow, and utterly pathetic people!"

Lily didn't even finish the page as she turned it over so violently that she almost ripped the page clean out of the book.

Just thinking about him made her furious. He had no right to say all those things to her and insult her like he had done. He'd gotten angry with her for no reason. She had done nothing wrong; she had been protecting her and Lucius's dignity by not answering his questions. He didn't need to know any more about her private life with her fiancé.

Why had he even bothered to try and talk to her anyway? Had he only called her out on the deck this morning - risking Lucius's wrath - to cause a scene, yell at her, and humiliate her in front of her fellow passengers? Had that been his plan all along? Had he only gotten close to her to learn her secrets, her vulnerable side, and then throw it all back in her face when the time was right? Had she been some kind of joke to him, something that he and his mates could have a good laugh over once all was said and done?

The bastard.

Even if that had been his intention from the start, it wasn't like this was the first time that this situation had occurred. Back at Beauxbatons, she hadn't had many friends and had been very unpopular. Several of the girls who had tried to get close to her had only done it so they could have a laugh with their real friends. She had overheard some of the other girls whispering about her one day, just before she had gotten expelled. They'd been whispering about her differences, how there was something about her that didn't belong in society, how she was a freak... She was used to these sorts of things now.

Lily closed her book and looked out the frosted window, her vision blurring.

What was it about her that made everyone hate her? What was so horrible and repulsive about her that caused people to shun her and treat her like she was invisible? Why did no one treat her like a human, with feelings and emotions just like theirs? Why did they think they could play around with her, like some sort of doll, and then throw her out when they got bored?

James had been the first person to treat her not like a delicate doll, but like the person she was. He had listened to her, sympathised with her, dreamed with her...He'd recognised her troubles when no one else had, and had pulled her back from the edge. And now...now, he hated her too.

"...I should've let you jump..."

He'd probably always hated her and pretended to be nice to her so he could glean information about Lucius and the Death Eaters from her. He'd pretended to enjoy her company and be attracted to her. He was a phoney and a fake, and she -

"Darling?"

Lily looked away from the window quickly, drawn out of her misery. The man standing before her was blurred by her tears and she hastily began to wipe them away.

"Darling?" Lucius repeated again, something close to concern flashing across his face. "Are you all right?"

"Y - Yes. I'm fine," Lily muttered, wiping her left cheek with the back of her hand. "Just - just a sad book, that's all..."

Lucius eyed her strangely and suddenly moved closer toward her, bending down beside her chair with actual concern etched onto his face. She stared at him, shocked.

"Lucius, are you feeling all right?" she asked, suddenly unbalanced by his show of concern and display of emotions in public. What was he playing at?

"I'm perfectly fine. You're the one who's upset," he responded reasonably, setting his hands on her right arm gently. "Did Black cause this? If he did, I'll - "

"No! He didn't...I was telling the truth. This book is terribly sad." She held it up and he read the title, a frown forming on his face. "D - Did you need something?"

"Oh, right..." Lucius muttered, fixing her with his cool blue eyes. "Your sister wanted to know why you never showed up for lunch. I believe she told you that you were expected, did she not?"

"I - I wasn't hungry," Lily lied quickly, just as her stomach growled loudly. She blushed, hoping Lucius hadn't heard. The truth was, she had been too tied up in her anger and misery to remember anything, least of all a silly lunch date with her sister. "You weren't upset, were you?"

"I wasn't upset, but your sister seemed to be. She'd thought I had perhaps whisked you away to a romantic dinner for two," Lucius stated, humour showing in his eyes. Lily looked down at her hands, a sudden, inexplicable sadness filling her. Why did Lucius find the idea of them - together, alone - humorous?

"But don't fret about it," Lucius reassured, mistaking her loss of eye contact for shame. "I never showed up either."

"Well...I suppose I'd better go find her and apologise, then; otherwise she'll yell at me later," Lily said. She rose gracefully out of her chair, and Lucius followed her example, observing her with an obscure look on his face. "Thank you for finding me. I suppose I'll see you at dinner tonight."

She began to walk away from him without saying a proper goodbye. She wanted to get away from Lucius and the library as quickly as possible, for she was starting to feel quite ill when she was -

"Lily. Wait."

She halted, surprised by his soft tone, and turned, puzzlement written across her face. Hesitantly, he stepped forward and took one of her hands in his. His smooth, un-callused hand was a far cry from the rough and well-worked surface of James's hand. Holding Lucius's hand felt strange, almost foreign...

"I know that these past few days have been rough for you, and us. I meant for this to be a relaxing voyage that could bring us closer together, but all it seems to be doing is tearing us apart."

Lily suddenly felt very guilty. It wasn't his fault that this voyage wasn't going as smoothly as he had planned. It was all her and a charming steerage boy's fault.

There would be no steerage boy from now on, however. The part James Potter had in her life was finished. He had made his feelings very clear at their parting, and Lily was going to respect them, even though her heart screamed in protest.

"I want to make it up to you, Lily. Let's have dinner together tonight, just the two of us. No Petunia, no Tom, no distractions," he suggested, reaching out with his free hand to stroke her left cheek. She noticed he had avoided looking at her right cheek throughout their conversation. "What do you think? Would you like that?"

"A romantic dinner with the man I love?" she replied stiffly, her heart thudding painfully in her chest. She smiled, trying to feel happy, trying to feel something, but only came up with an empty nothingness. "Of course I'd like to."

He smiled, an actual smile for once, and kissed her on the forehead lightly.

"Perfect."

***

James stared up at the white ceiling of his cabin, following the welding lines and rivets with his eyes, trying to form patterns and keep his mind otherwise occupied. The cabin porthole was open and soft, cool breeze blew through constantly, often rattling the pages of Remus's open book on top of the chest of drawers. The soft rattling was the only other noise in the cabin besides James's low breathing and the steady hum of the engines far below.

He hadn't been looking for a quiet place to sit at first, because quiet meant that he would think, and the ability to think was the last he wanted right now. But in noisy, unbearably loud places, he'd been able to think. The general room had offered him no haven and the third class smoking room had fared no better. There was simply no place on this blasted ship that would allow him some peace of mind and give him sanctuary from his unpleasant thoughts.

At least, locked in the quiet of his cabin, James was safe from people. The noise and distraction the public areas offered could not offer him the privacy he wanted as well. Public areas meant people. People who wanted to know why he was suddenly quiet and moody, people who kept bothering him and brining up subjects he'd rather not discuss, people who annoyed him endlessly or tried to borrow - but never pay back - a few pounds off of him for the tenth time.

James had come to learn through his few years in life that humans were very stupid creatures. They betrayed and back-stabbed friends and family members; they were greedy and took the best for themselves, even if it hurt others; they got mad and yelled for no reason; they destroyed the one relationship that meant the most to them...

James had never before considered himself to be a 'stupid' person. Yes, he was rude, rash, arrogant, sometimes unkind, and a number of other unpleasant things, but he had never been stupid. Or, at least, he hadn't been until a few hours ago, when he'd let his temper get the best of him; when he'd let hateful words he hadn't meant come spewing from his lips; when he had been the one to make her cry...

He usually had such a good reign on his temper and he very rarely lost control of it. But she had made him so furious so quickly that he snapped.

He hadn't meant to do it. He hadn't meant to scream at and insult her. He hadn't wanted to cause that look of anger, fear, and utter disgust to cross her features. But it really didn't matter, simply because he had done it. He'd yelled at her for no reason. He was almost as bad as Malfoy.

Another wave of anger tore through James as he ripped the pillow out from under his head and threw it across the room, hitting the chest of drawers and knocking Remus's book off, onto the floor. He had been hoping to hit something breakable; that way there would be more than one broken object in the cabin.

He was mad at everything - himself for being a stupid prat, Lily for being stubborn and hypocritical, Malfoy for causing the whole damn mess in the first place...

James sat up and aimed a kick at Remus's trunk, imagining that it was Malfoy's fat face. It really didn't make him feel any better than before and the sharp pain now stemming from his toes only added to his anger.

Bloody, bloody, BLOODY Malfoy!

Why had she even bothered to stick up for him? He was a ruthless, conniving spit of humanity who hit her for Christ's sake! Why would she lie for him when everything thing he did hurt her in some way? Why had she gotten mad at him, James, for trying to point this out to her? What was so bloody special about Malfoy?

James leapt off his bed and began to pace to length of the room.

She was such a...a...he couldn't even find a word to describe her properly! It made him furious just to think about her, and it made him feel guilty, then, for all the things he had said, and it made him feel helpless and useless because he couldn't help her and he so desperately wanted to...

Sighing in exasperation and utter exhaustion, James halted his pacing and threw himself back onto his bed, burying his face in the mattress. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget that this day had ever happened -

"James? Are you in here?"

James groaned mightily and placed his hands over his ears, trying to block out the sound of Remus's voice. This was just what he needed right now.

"James? I know you're in here; I asked the cabin neighbours and they heard you throwing things...Unlock the door, will you?"

The distant sound of the cabin door handle rattling and Remus's sharp knocking made James grit his teeth and stare even more determinedly at his mattress. He wasn't going to let Remus inside. If he did, Remus would then inquire to know what was wrong and James would have to listen to one of his I-told-you-so speeches. James believed he would shoot himself if he had to hear one of those right now.

"JAMES! If you don't open this door right now, I'll - "

"Go away, Remus!" James shouted, looking up and glaring at the door behind him. "I'm not in the mood to talk to you!"

There was an exasperated sigh on the other side of the door and the handle stopped its mad jiggling.

"You pompous arse! What in the world made you think that I came to the cabin just to talk to you? I'm going out on the Boat Deck for a while and I don't want to freeze, so I came here to get my coat! Trouble is, you have both the keys!"

"Fine," James grumbled vehemently, extracting himself from his bed.

He grabbed Remus's coat off the bedpost, walked over to the door, and flipped the lock. Before Remus could utter a word or have a good reaction, James threw the coat at him and slammed the door back shut, locking it once more.

There was another, agitated sigh from the other side of the door and then Remus asked, "What's wrong now?"

"You're talking to me - go away," James responded, sitting on the edge of his bed and glaring at the door. He was rather hoping Remus would sense his glare and begin to run for his life. "You said you didn't want to."

"Well, I've just realised that you're upset, so I figure I better stay in case you decide to do something stupid. I also don't have to meet Sigrid for another fifteen minutes," Remus's voice stated casually, as if having a conversation with a closed door was fairly normal between them. Which it was. "What happened between you and Lily this morning? Did she refuse your invitation to the party tonight, because Sirius told me that's what you were up - "

"I didn't even get close to asking her," James said sourly, his glare heating up. "We had a little spat and I told her that I never wanted to see her again."

There was an abnormally long pause from the other side.

"You...what?"

"I told you to go away," James repeated. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You had a fight?" came the incredulous voice through the door. "Over what? You were on such good terms yesterday - "

"Well, yesterday," James spat back acidly, "she didn't have a bloody bruise on her face!"

Another pregnant pause greeted James's ears.

"Oh."

Remus's reply was so soft, James wasn't even sure if he had said anything at all.

"Yes, 'oh.' She had this huge bruise on her face and had the nerve to tell me that she had gotten it by running into a door. A door, Remus!" James felt his temper rising again and he leapt off his bed, trying to find something he could throw before he went insane. "And then - then she starts acting like I'm below her and treats me like I stepped in something disgusting...all because I care about what Malfoy is doing to her! The stupid, stuck up...And you know how angry I can get and I just lost it. My temper took control and...and..." James paused and leaned against the cabin door, feeling tired and guilty again. "I yelled at her and called her horrible things that I didn't mean. I told her that...that I never wanted to see her again...By the time I realised what I'd done, she'd gone back to the first class and I couldn't do anything..." James stared at his hands despondently. "I was such a horrible bastard...She must hate me, Remus."

"What difference does it make if she hates you now or not?" Remus replied rather insensitively. "This relationship of yours was doomed from the start, and you know that. I'm just glad it ended before either of you got seriously hurt from it."

"You don't understand, Moony," James muttered, rubbing his eyes with his fingers tiredly.

"What don't I understand, Prongs? I've had plenty of failed relationships before and all of them have been far more serious than yours. If anything, I understand what you're feeling better than you do yourself."

"No, you don't! Lily's relationship and mine was...different from any of yours. I've seen your relationships, and trust me; this...thing we had wasn't like anything I've seen or been a part of before," James tried to explain, feeling lost in his emotions. "It's this strange thing that I can't even explain properly...I mean, how can someone anger, annoy, and excite you all at the same time?"

James heard Remus sigh again, and he was sure the other man was about ready to beat his head on the door in frustration by now.

"Prongs, the only advice I can give you is to just forget about Lily. I know she meant a lot to you, probably a lot more than I'll ever understand, but there's no use dwelling on the impossible. You and Lily are finished, and you're going to have to accept that fact." Remus paused briefly and then continued, a reminiscing quality to his voice. "Remember what Dumbledore told us that one summer, right before fifth year? 'It doesn't do to dwell on dreams - '"

" - and forget to live," James finished, smiling half-heartedly at the memory. "Of course I remember..."

But forget about Lily? How could he forget about the one girl who had affected him like no other? How could he just ignore the memories of her and the feelings that thinking about her stirred deep within him? Could anyone forget about something like that?

Remus was right, however. Why should he keep dwelling on her? She clearly didn't want to deal with his sort any more. James felt bitterness and anger begin to well up inside him again, but he didn't bother to try and fight it. He didn't need Lily bloody Evans. In fact, it would probably be best if he never saw her again...She and her husband-to-be only caused trouble.

"You go ahead and I'll see you at dinner. I need to think about what you said."

***

The empty feeling Lucius's proclamation had given her had yet to go away, and had only seemed to increase in severity as the afternoon had worn on. She felt like she had a terrible stomachache, and every time she thought of Lucius, it made her feel even worse, sometimes to the point where she wanted to throw up.

She had tried to make herself feel some other sort of emotion toward him or just anything at all, but there was nothing. No anger, no love, no fear, no anything. At all. It felt like she was the doll everyone treated her as, her head just as empty and her heart as non-existent.

When she had told Petunia of hers and Lucius's dinner arrangement, she had desperately tried to feel the happiness she was feigning...But it never came. There was simply nothing there for her to feel and she couldn't understand why. Why couldn't she feel for the man she was about to marry? What was stopping her from feeling and caring about her fiancé?

It seemed, however, that this emotional turmoil was only affecting her feelings for Lucius. She had no problem feeling emotions towards anyone else. She got annoyed with Petunia, Sirius made her feel disgusted, Tom made her uncomfortable; and a certain man with a shock of black hair stirred up a tidal wave of emotions she shouldn't have been feeling at all.

Anger, of course, had been the most prominent among them. Anger because his words had stung like sharp needles. Anger that he could betray and use her like that...But her angry wasn't only directed at him. Some of her anger was directed at herself for losing her temper and acting like the child everyone treated her as. Some of it was directed at Lucius for being the way he was, Sirius for arranging their meeting, Petunia for letting her go with Sirius...

The inexplicable sadness had come after her anger had worn out. It stemmed mostly from his harsh words and the sense of betrayal it brought along with it. She had trusted him more...more than she had trusted anyone in her life, and he had been playing with her. The thought of never seeing him again or being hated by him added to her sorrow, causing her more tears than all the other thoughts combined.

But the most surprising emotion had been that of guilt.

At first, Lily didn't know why she had been feeling guilty. She had been the victim in this situation. After all, she hadn't told James to go jump off the back of the ship. She hadn't called him pathetic or cowardly. She hadn't accused him of being a hypocrite.

But...But she had called him rude and idiotic. She had accused him of slandering Lucius and of being too nosy. She had treated him like a dirty street urchin, unfit to be in her presence.

As she had dwelled more and more on it, and replayed the incident over and over in her mind, she'd come to realise that she was at fault more than James was. He had only said some of those things in response to her attacks. He'd only been trying to help her and had cared enough about her to keep pestering her about her injury, and what had she done? She'd returned his concern with childish insults and rudeness. She'd let her stubborn pride get in the way and had continued to anger him until he had enough of her childish behaviour.

And that was no one's fault but her own.

***

"Are you all right, darling?"

Lily looked up and across the table at her fiancée, pulling her head out of her thoughts.

Lucius had managed to secure a small, secluded table in the À la Carte restaurant for this evening. It hadn't been that difficult to manage, as most of the passengers had gone to the dining saloon to show off. It was Saturday, which meant it was the last practical day to display your finest attire before it was packed away. Titanic docked in less than three days and no one wanted to be caught putting (or wearing) a ₤1000 dress away minutes before docking.

As a result, Lily was once again wearing the Malfoy necklace, though hardly anyone would see it and it didn't match her bright blue dress at all. Lucius hadn't put as much of a fight over the colour of dress like he had the night before, which was rather surprising.

"Oh, yes. Yes. I'm fine," she replied, smiling vapidly. "Why do you ask?"

"You just seem a little...glum tonight, that's all," Lucius replied, taking a sip from his water glass.

"I'm glad you noticed," Lily shot back, her smile sliding off her face. Her comment had been a little icier than she had intended, but she found that she really didn't care.

His eyes narrowed and she looked away, her gaze directed at a potted plant. She wished the waiters would hurry and bring something that could distract her. Dinners with Lucius never used to be this tension filled, but that had been before, when she was a naive little girl, before she had learned to fear the man she loved.

"Does your glum attitude have anything to do with you meeting with that Potter today?"

Lily tore her gaze away from the plant and stared at Lucius in shock. He was simply observing her, head resting calmly on his hands, but his eyes were ablaze with anger. How had he...what...who...?

"W-Who told you that?" she stuttered, disbelief flowing through her. If Sirius had gone back on his word, she would kill -

"It was no single person. Several people have approached me and told me they saw you talking with him as they walked out on the Boat Deck," Lucius explained, his voice deadly. His gaze was unnerving. "This is a rather funny story, seeing as though young Sirius Black informed me otherwise. He claimed that you had gone back inside after he had finished conversing with you...Now, whose side of the story is correct?"

Lily breathed deeply through her nose and stared at the delicate china in front of her, trying to think. If she told Lucius that Sirius's story was correct, the consequences would be dire. He had witnesses this time, several of them, and he knew that she would be lying...But telling the truth would also lead to severe consequences, because she would have to admit to seeing James. She didn't want a repeat of last night, but there was no way out.

"Obviously, Mr. Black got his details confused slightly. He and I both walked away at the same time - I don't think he ever saw where I was going. He must have assumed that - "

"That still doesn't explain how you ended up with him. I though we had cleared this...business up with our talk last night."

His voice finally betrayed the anger that he was feeling, but it was nothing to the fear that suddenly gripped Lily. Why had she agreed to a dinner alone with him? Hadn't she learned her lesson?

"I didn't plan our meeting on purpose, if that's what you're suggesting," she stated, reaching for her own glass with a shaking hand. "I was leaning on the rail overlooking the third class and I suppose he saw me from down below, so he climbed up to talk to me. I tried to ignore him, but he persisted. I told him that I wouldn't allow it and he...he got angry with me. We exchanged a few heated words and we parted company, for good."

"I see," Lucius replied slowly, sitting back in his chair, his anger at bay for the moment. "Well, I really can't tell which of your stories is more delightful or believable. The propeller fabrication of yours does have its merits."

Lily nearly dropped her water glass in surprise and she gaped at him. He stared back, looking like the perfect handsome and elegant man, not at all showing his cruel, nasty side that she knew all too well.

"Lucius, you - "

"Oh, Lucius Malfoy! Hello!"

Lily looked away from Lucius's cold eyes and turned around in her chair, just as a young couple approached their table from behind. The young man was British by his accent and had brownish-blond hair, and the woman was a very pretty blonde. Lily didn't know either of them, but Lucius did.

"Johnson!" he exclaimed, placing his napkin on the table and rising from his chair to greet the young man. "Why, I haven't seen you since our meeting in January. How are things?"

"Splendid, of course. And yourself?" Johnson replied courteously. He glanced briefly at Lily out of the corner of his eye and then turned his attention back to Lucius.

Lucius muttered a reply and the both of them laughed, but Lily wasn't paying attention to them. She could a feel a headache coming on, undoubtedly caused by the lack of food in her stomach. She rubbed her temples wearily, wishing she could just go to sleep.

" - you busy at the moment? Arberry and Kingston are waiting for us at our table, but I'm sure they'd be delighted to speak with you."

"Of course. I'm not busy," Lucius responded casually, stepping away from the table and pushing his chair back in. "I'd be more than happy to oblige you all - "

"Lucius!" Lily exclaimed, dropping her hand and fixing her fiancé with an incredulous stare. "Not busy? We're having dinner, for Christ's sake!"

The couple shared a scandalised look at her use of language, and Lucius glared at her.

"Lily, the first course hasn't even started yet. This won't take long - "

"But, you said - "

"I'll be back before the second course even starts," Lucius promised, exasperated. "Just wait here. This is important."

"More important than me?"

Lucius pretended not to hear her. He walked off down the aisle with the couple, laughing jovially with the young man and disappeared into the other side of the room. Lily stared after them, wondering - as she always did - what was wrong with her...

***

The tables had been pushed back against the wall, and the room was now crowded with loud, rambunctious people, most with a smoke or drink in hand. The piano had been shoved back in the corner, a group of people playing cards on its surface, while taking the piano's spot was an impromptu band that had started out with two members and now had six or so. They were the centre of attention, belting out a fast, Irish tune that had the majority of the people in the room on their feet and dancing.

People of all ethnic origins and age were dancing around the room, doing whatever dance that suited them. Some were trying to dance in an organised way, while others just improvised to the beat of the music. Several couples and dancers had gotten up on the two platforms around the room, showing off their skills to the observers, who applauded and whooped in approval.

The beat was so infectious that even James, who was in the most foul and sour mood he'd been in for several weeks, was tapping his foot in time. Tapping his feet was about the closest thing he was going to get to dancing tonight because he had not wanted to come down here in the first place. He had wanted to go sulk poetically in his cabin, but Remus had had enough of that behaviour out of him. Remus had grabbed him after dinner and, with the help of two burly young men, forced him to sit down and mope in public.

"You need to get your mind off Lily and this is how you're going to start."

Remus's first instructions had been quite clear, but before he had a chance to lecture James even more, he had been dragged away by an overly excited Sigrid. Remus wasn't normally a dancing sort of person, but Sigrid had kept him busy and the last time James had seen the two of them had been five minutes ago. James had glowered as they whirled by, Remus laughing with excitement.

Remus had been wrong about this bloody party from the start; this was the last thing that would get his mind off Lily. James knew she would've enjoyed this excitement, knew she would've loved dancing and being free to be herself for just a night...And that only made trying to push her out of her mind harder. The thought of Lily being happy - in his arms - made the whole idea of forgetting about her too terrible to imagine.

James eyed the full glass of beer in front of him and reached for it. Maybe alcohol would make the idea a little easier to stomach.

"Jaaaamessss!"

James snorted into his beer and quickly put it down, wiping the froth off his face as he did so. He turned in his chair, spotting the disturbance of his peace. Aileen Kiernan was bounding toward him, her poor mother a few feet behind her, looking as though she had just finished a marathon.

"Hallo, Aileen, Mrs. Kiernan," James greeted, a small, pained smile crossing his lips as he picked Aileen up and set her on his lap. Seeing Aileen reminded him of Lily and - Christ, would he never be free of her?

"Good...evenin' to ya, Mr...Mr. Potter," Mrs. Kiernan huffed, breathing heavily and placing a hand over her heart. James set Aileen down and jumped out of his seat immediately, offering it to the exhausted woman.

"Have my seat, Mrs. Kiernan. You have a rest. I'll watch Aileen for a little while."

"Oh no, Mr. Potter," Mrs. Kiernan protested, her eyes widening. "I...couldn't do that to ya! You don't have to waste your night with Aileen - don't have some other lass to attend to?"

There was a suggestive hint in the older woman's eyes and James knew at once she was referring to Lily. Bloody hell, did everyone have to keep reminding him of her?

"Nope," James responded, shaking his head. "Those older lasses are too uptight for me. Isn't that right, Aileen?"

"Right!" the girl squealed, swinging on James's right arm. "Let's play a game James!"

"All right," James agreed, winking at her mother as he led Aileen away from the table and into the middle of the general room. "What game do you want to play?"

"Tag!" she cried, hitting James on the leg. "And you're It!"

She let go of James's arm and scampered away, disappearing into the crowd. James waited a few moments before going after her, giving her a good head start. A game of tag with an excitable little girl was just the distraction he needed. He found her after a few minutes, spotting her golden curls under one of the tables.

"Gotcha!" he exclaimed, touching her lightly on the shoulder. Aileen shrieked and quickly hit him back before running off again.

This sort of exchanged happened three or four more times, and Aileen was showing no signs of wearing out. James occasionally lost sight of her in the crowd for minutes at a time, but this was no concern to him. Nearly everyone here knew that if they messed with Aileen, they'd be messing with James Potter and his fist.

After stepping on quite a few toes and sliding in-between offended dance partners, James once again caught sight of the little bundle of energy. She was hopping up the main staircase, leading up to the well deck and away from the safety of the party. James frowned, knowing he should've limited their game to just the general room, and began to hurry over to the staircase.

He pushed past two drunk Irishmen, who called him a bunch of foul names, and climbed up the stairs two at a time. His fears about Aileen running off into another corridor and getting lost were squashed when her high-pitched giggling reached his ears.

"Aileen, you need to come back down here right now. I'm not going to chase you all over the - oh."

James paused at the top of the stairs, his scolding dying on his lips. Standing by the gate with Aileen by her side was the last person James had expected or wanted to see.

"Look, James!" Aileen crowed in excitement. "Miss Lily can play our game as well!"

***

Lily had been standing by the gate for quite some time, indecision coursing through her. The laughter and music down below had sparked her curiosity, but she didn't want to go down there in case she saw James down there, happy and dancing with another girl...

It would serve her right if he was. James was a wonderful person, and deserved someone who wasn't engaged or temperamental or stupid. He needed someone who wasn't like her at all...After all, what kind of man wanted a pathetic little girl who held onto a man who didn't give a damn about her?

Lucius had left her sitting at their table in the À la Carte restaurant.

It was as simple as that. She'd waited around for him, waited like a little puppy did for the master that would never return, eating four solitary courses, and enduring the stares and whispers of the nearby passengers.

"Where'd Evans's fiancé get off too?"

"Do you honestly care? Personally, if I was Lucius, I'd leave her too."

"Disgusting, isn't it? How can he marry someone like that? I'd shoot myself before we even got down the aisle."

"I suppose that's what she gets, cavorting with a steerage man like that. Poor Lucius..."

Fed up and terribly distraught, she'd left before the fifth course had started. It had been early when she'd left, only eight o'clock, which meant that very few people had witnessed her desperate and unladylike sprint down the C-deck corridor and to her stateroom.

She'd only stayed in the stateroom long enough to tear her earrings out of her ears and rip the Malfoy necklace off, throwing latter carelessly onto her vanity top and scratching the largest emerald in the process. She'd left afterward, not bothering to put the jewels away, and had wandered outside, away from anything that reminded her of Lucius.

Somehow, she had ended up out near the stern, a few levels above the area where she and James had met earlier. As she had stared out over the deserted poop deck, rubbing her arms with her bare hands for warmth, that overwhelming sense of guilt had returned, reminding her of how very wrong she had been and how James had been right, about everything...

Not only was Lucius a right bastard, but she was also as every bit as pathetic and hopeless as James had said. She had waited around for Lucius when she had known with every fibre of her being that he wasn't coming back. She'd defended the man who wouldn't even bat an eyelash when someone insulted her. She'd offended the only person who had really cared about her in favour for someone who hit her.

James had been right and the least she could do was try to apologise for yelling at him. And if he didn't want her apology, she'd accept that and move on with her life. So, she'd gathered up her courage and made her way to the steerage general room, hoping to start looking for him there.

Her courage had only taken her to the main steps before it faltered and left her standing where she was now. A few of the steerage passengers had passed by, some of them recognising her and smiling, but she hadn't dared go down the steps. If James was down there, she didn't want to cause a scene in front of all those people and ruin their night...Maybe she'd try tomorrow or -

"Miss Lily!"

The little girl she and James had watched yesterday was running toward her, a big, toothy smile on her face. Her blond hair was bouncing all over the place and the sight of her made Lily smile just a bit.

"Hello, Miss Aileen," Lily replied, bending down to Aileen's level. The little girl threw her arms around Lily's neck, hugging her in excitement. She laughed. "Well, I'm glad you still like me."

"Miss Lily, you look so pretty!" Aileen exclaimed, her eyes widening at the sight of Lily's evening gown. "Just like a princess!"

"I can assure you, Aileen, that I'm no princess. I don't even have a crown!" Lily responded, standing up straight and looking down at the little girl. She made a face, causing the young girl to giggle in delight. "Have you ever heard of princess that makes faces and plays tag with little girls?" Aileen shook her head, captivated by Lily. "What're you doing up here by yourself anyway, Aileen? Does your mum - "

"Aileen, you need to come back down here right now. I'm not going to chase you all over the - oh."

Lily looked up, the smile sliding right off her face.

***

Who did she think she was, showing up down here, still dressed in her dinner finery? What gave her the right to prance around like she owned the place after she'd treated him like that? What made her think she could even show up down here at all? They didn't want her; he certainly didn't want her. Or so he tried to convince himself.

James strode forward, an angry frown on his face. Lily looked nervous, her gaze settling on anything but him. All her comments from earlier came flooding back to him; couldn't she at least have the dignity to treat him like a person in his own class?

The emotions rising in him at the sight of her also fuelled his anger. His heart had skipped a beat or two when he'd seen her smiling; longing had welled up inside him as he had taken in her beautiful light blue dress; concern coming at the sight of the bruise on her face. But he had forced those and others down quickly. His emotions toward her didn't matter any more.

"Aileen, why don't you take a break from our game and go find your mum?" James suggested in short, clipped tones. He looked down at the little girl instead of at Lily. "Miss Evans and I have some grown-up things to talk about."

"Oh, all right," Aileen huffed, letting go of Lily's hand to cross her arms over her chest. She stomped over to the staircase, a pout on her face, and scampered down the stairs. James watched her until she disappeared into the crowd and then turned back to face Lily.

She was clearly uncomfortable, wringing her hands together and looking over his shoulder instead of into his eyes. A tense silence settled between them, as James glared and Lily avoided his eyes.

"Did you forget an insult you wanted to throw at me?" James asked at last, breaking the silence. His words were harsh and he intended them to be that way. Her eyes flashed with something, but James ignored it. "Because I thought we agreed to never see each other again."

"Look, James...I - " she began, fumbling.

"Oh? So now we're back at a first name basis?" he interrupted scathingly, folding his arms over his chest in an intimidating way. "What did old Lucius do now to make you come crawling back to me so you can unload your misery - "

"I never crawled to you," she snapped, finally meeting his gaze with a fiery glare. "And I never asked you to take an active role in my personal life. You started it by telling me not to jump."

James's frown deepened, knowing she was right.

"Like I said before, I should've let you jump. Would've been best for everyone," he responded, the words flying out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He regretted it instantly.

Lily simply wilted before him, the life going out of her. Her shoulders slumped despondently and her confident aura slipped away, leaving her vulnerable. The fire in her eyes went out and she looked down at her feet, ashamed. James's heart pinged violently, and he reached out a hand, ignoring every protest his brain was sending him.

"I - "

She shrugged away his hand and looked up at him again, her eyes filled with despair and misery.

"You're right," she said simply.

James stared at her, taken aback. He hadn't been expecting that, least of all from someone as proud as Lily.

"I'm - What?" he repeated, at a loss for words.

"You're right. You've always been right, about everything - my bruise, Lucius, me..." she muttered, looking up at him. Her eyes were watery, full of pain, and it wasn't because he had injured her pride. "I realised it during dinner tonight, after Lucius - but what does that matter? You don't want to know..." She shook herself. "I came down here to apologise to you, yet I can see that it wouldn't do any good...I knew you wouldn't want my apology in the first place." She laughed wretchedly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "And I can't blame you, either. Who wants to accept an apology from a pathetic, conceited little girl anyway?"

James's chest constricted and an overwhelming wave of guilt crashed over him. He'd hurt her, in more ways than he cared to imagine. His words had wounded her more than anything Malfoy could throw at her. He had made her believe she was worthless, he had made her feel like rubbish, he had shattered her...

And she had come down here to apologise - to him! He hadn't even given her the chance, jumping to conclusions and insulting her instead of trying to listen.

It was like the morning incident all over again.

"Lily, I - "

"I understand," she interrupted, taking a few steps back from him. "And I'll go...You have better things to do than listen to me whinge. I'm sure there's another girl waiting for you downstairs - "

"No, Lily - " he began, reaching out for her.

She was already gone, bunching her skirts up and running down the corridor to their left, toward the staircase near the end of the corridor.

James stared after her, his feet frozen to the floor. His brain didn't seem to be processing anything that had just happened. She was running away from him, she was going back to her world without question this time, and he was just letting her go...

The idea of forgetting about her and moving on was suddenly the stupidest idea he'd ever had in his life.

His feet were moving and he was tearing after her, heart pounding desperately against his chest. He couldn't let her get away; not like this, not again.

"Lily - wait - " he called, reaching the base of the stairs. But she was already on the next flight, her heeled shoes banging against the metal and there was no indication that she had heard him.

Without hesitation, he followed her up the stairs, skipping two at a time to catch up with her. He slipped on a stair, slamming his knee hard on the surface, but he shot back up instantly, hopping unevenly on his feet.

He was so fucking stupid. He'd done it again, letting his anger and pigheadedness take control, causing him to say idiotic and hurtful things. Wasn't hurting her once enough? If he hadn't been so blind, if he'd just kept his temper in check and listened to her -

Panic seized him as he heard a door bang open a flight above and he quickened his pace even further. It was serve him right if she got away; he didn't deserve someone like her...But he wouldn't be able to stand if he lost her, if he never got to tell her - his heart contracted painfully. He had been given another chance, dammit -

"LILY!"

He burst out onto the poop deck, the cold air taking his breath away and fogging up his glasses. He looked around frantically for her, the dim lighting on the ship making it hard for him to see anything. He spotted her after a moment, running toward another staircase and back toward her world.

James was in motion again, running harder than he had ever run in his lifetime. His lungs burned and his legs protested from the effort, but he continued after her, ignoring everything. His long legs gave him an advantage over her dress and heels, and he caught up to her in moments. He reached out a hand and grabbed her shoulder -

She whirled around and stopped running, nearly causing James to run into her. She stood there, staring at him, her chest heaving and breathing heavy. Her eyes were red and moist, her cheeks marked by tear trails. She sniffled every so often between pants, trembling from the cold.

James knew he looked no better, with his glasses all fogged up and his breathing just as hard as hers. The knee he had fallen on was throbbing from pain, but he didn't care at all.

They stood there and stared at each other for the longest time, trying to catch their breath and reading the others expressions. James's hand still on her shoulder, and they were so close, so very close...

"Lily," he breathed at last, his glasses finally clear again. "Lily, I'm the one who should be - "

"Shut up, James," she responded, reading his intentions. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, still staring at him. "Where will apologising lead us?"

"I don't know," James responded, truthfully. He stepped closer, his hand moving from her shoulder and onto her cheek.

They stood there, a silence settling once again. James looked at her and into her eyes, knowing what she was thinking, knowing that she could do the same as well. They didn't have to speak to get their message across and in that long moment of silence, everything ill that had passed between them was forgotten or pushed further back into the recesses of their minds.

"I'll have to go back to Lucius," she murmured at last, staring up at him. He wound his hands in her hair, bringing her closer to him. "This was over before it even began."

She was leaning against his chest, her arm wrapped around his waist, clutching his threadbare coat tightly. She was shivering and her hand shook slightly as she reached up to touch his cheek.

"I don't care," he said.

And then he kissed her.