Lumos Obscurum

Chapter 12 – The Occlumency Lesson

It was the dream again. It was that inky blackness, that impassable storm.

But it was different, this time.

This time he was...

Dying.

"No..." he murmured, his thin voice useless against the howl of wind in his ears. "I don't... no... stop...."

But nothing could stop it.

Nothing would.

The howl of wind consumed him, carrying him away to an unknown time and place. Yet a voice manifested itself out of the gusts of air. It seemed to be riding on the very winds themselves.

What is the point of it, anyway? Who knows, maybe it'll be better this way. The voice seemed to whisper this over and over in his head, in his mind, taking it over. Then a brief flash of light and colour penetrated the darkness that encompassed him. An image of Sirius, of a joyful, happy, real Sirius was before him, only to disappear a half an instant later.

You'll be with him... you and him and your parents will be together at last.

Yes... they would be together, his whole family. They would be happy. Finally.

All he needed to do was... give up.

That's all.

Easy, really.

But... he had never given up before now. Why now, of all times? Why would he abandon hope now?

Why not? Perhaps it is time you cast off your pathetic dreams and any prospect at all of defeating the Dark?

He didn't know what to do, what path he should choose.

"Help," he whispered.

The voice laughed. It was a high, sinister cackle that made his hair stand on end and his skin run cold. You're asking for help now, it said, when there is no one around to hear your plea? Dozens of missed opportunities, yet it is now you decide to ask for assistance? There's a certain poetic irony to this, I'm sure.

"Shut up."

No. I'll never shut up.

You will never be rid of me.

I am you. And you are me.

Harry awoke with a yell, tangled in his sweat-soaked sheets.

"Harry!" Ron's panicked face appeared above him.

"Help," Harry found himself whimpering again.

"Harry!" Ron's eyes were wide, his face full of terror as he looked helplessly at his friend. "Harry, what's wrong? Did you have a nightmare? Tell me."

"Whassa matter?" came Seamus' groggy voice from across the room.

"Nothing, go back to sleep," Ron said distractedly. He leaned in closer to Harry to help him detangle himself from his blanket. "Harry, what's happened? Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Harry answered, slightly out of breath, but awake enough now to realise that he was back in the dormitory. "Just... another dream."

Ron sat down gently on the side of Harry's bed. "Was it You-Know-Who?"

Harry shook his head. "No, it wasn't him... well," he looked confused. "I don't think it was him."

"Then what was it?" Ron asked softly.

"I don't know." Harry adjusted his blankets and laid back down, staring up at his bed canopy uneasily. "It was..." It was me, it was a voice inside me, he wanted to say. But instead he just shook his head and said again, "I don't know what it was."

"Oh.." Ron paused for a minute then offered up a weak smile. "Maybe it was pre-Occlumency nightmares about having to see Snape's freakishly long nose again? And his greasy hair?"

Harry smiled slightly over to Ron. "Maybe, mate. Maybe that's all it was."

Ron cracked a half-grin, then stood up and yawned. "We can still get a few more hours of sleep before morning. G'night, Harry."

Ron went back to his own neighbouring bed and resumed snoring only seconds later.

"Good night, Ron," Harry whispered.

Harry rolled over and pushed aside his curtains so that he could stare out the window. It was still the middle of the night, with the light of the stars and the near-full moon pouring through the open window. He blinked against the glowing brightness and adjusted his pillows, one thought repeating in his mind.

All he had to do was simply give up....

Try as he might, Harry couldn't get anymore sleep that night.

The lack of sleep resulted in an ill-tempered mood the next morning, and Hermione was not helping.

"Harry, have some breakfast," she was saying to him soothingly. "It'll make you feel better."

"I don't need to feel better," Harry snapped at her. He shot another betrayed look towards Ron, who shrugged helplessly.

"I just thought she should know, mate," he said.

"It's a very serious matter, Harry," Hermione told him sternly, "if you are experiencing these dreams again. After what happened last year-"

"It's not those dreams," Harry interrupted. "They're different. They're just... regular dreams."

"But they've obviously been troubling you."

"No, they haven't!"

"Come on Harry, you look terrible," Ron said bluntly. "You look like you barely got a wink of sleep last night, with those dark circles under your eyes. And you've been looking rather peaky lately-"

"You're not helping, Ron, thanks," Harry snapped. He crammed a great big spoonful of the bland oatmeal into his mouth and glared at his friends resolutely as if to say, happy now?

"That's better," Hermione said, satisfied. "Here, make sure to have some eggs, too. They're quite tasty this morning," she continued, shovelling a huge helping onto his plate.

Harry heaved a great sigh and slumped his shoulders. He knew his friends meant well, he really did. However, there were simply some moments where he wished he could just be left alone, and this was one of them.

He stared idly across the hall while Hermione and Ron continued to discuss his well-being (or, according to them, lack thereof). He slowly became aware that the object of his gaze was none other than Draco Malfoy.

As he watched, Draco spilled some egg down his front, and Harry had to stifle a laugh. Draco glared at Crabbe as he said something to him. Harry obviously couldn't hear what was being said, but he assumed that Draco was telling Crabbe off for making him spill his breakfast.

Draco returned to his plate, glanced up briefly, his eyes meeting Harry's from across the hall. Once he realised that Harry had evidently seen the whole thing, he sent another one of his patented glares in the Gryffindor's direction as well. Harry felt an amused smile pull at the corners of his mouth, and after a second, Draco, too, returned a rueful grin.

"Harry, are you even listening to me?" Hermione's voice penetrated his thoughts and he jerked up.

"What? I'm here. I'm eating, see?" Harry stuffed another spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth to prove his point.

Hermione nodded. "Good," she said, then busily began discussing their schedules for that day. Harry exchanged a small grin with Ron. Harry's mood, for some reason he couldn’t quite grasp, was suddenly much improved.

The rest of the morning was, to put things lightly, dull. Harry and Ron were forced to endure History of Magic and Herbology while Hermione was in Arithmancy and Ancient Runes.

The monotony of the lecture on Goblin Wars in History of Magic was only broken by a series of notes Ron and Harry exchanged during class. The notes discussed different ways that they could drive out Professor Binns, which proved quite a challenge to them, seeing as how he was an incorporeal ghost.

"You think maybe if we sent a simple Banishing Charm his way, we could just propel him right out the window?" Ron snickered after class.

Harry laughed. "Probably, if only we had proper aim."

"We could get Hermione to do it," Ron suggested brightly.

"Sure Ron, I bet she'd definitely agree to that one."

"One can dream, can't he?"

They arrived in Greenhouse Two for their Herbology lesson a few moments later. When Professor Sprout started class, Harry was once again bored out of his mind and this time he didn't even have Ron to distract him. Today's task was shelling a magical type of pea called a bittersnap, and Ron had been assigned to a different station. Harry was stuck shelling with three Hufflepuffs, all of whom had very little to say.

Harry found his mind wandering as he mechanically shelled the plant. He rather wished he had this class with the Slytherins; Draco would have been able to liven things up a bit, that was certain. He felt himself smile at the thought of Draco subjecting Sprout to one of his unique sarcastic remarks, or pretending to accidentally knock over a bittersnap container just for fun.

That would be something Malfoy would like to do, Harry mused fondly. He loves to stir up trouble just for the hell of it. And it is quite fun, really, watching him do it. Most of the time, anyway.

Herbology picked up while Harry was dwelling on thoughts of Draco, and before he knew it class had ended.

Harry and Ron made their way up back to the castle and ate a quick lunch before it was time to go to Charms for the afternoon. This class was marginally more interesting, though Harry was still distracted. His mind now kept wandering back to the events of the previous day. He still could not believe that he had told Draco everything. He had kept things to himself all summer, not even telling his closest friends of the weight that was sitting on his shoulders. And yet, he had expressed those innermost secrets to Draco Malfoy, freely and without remorse.

What does that mean? Harry realised with a jolt. It couldn't suggest that he and Draco were becoming better friends than Harry was with Ron and Hermione, could it? No, that wasn't right. He had formed the kind of bond with Ron and Hermione that wasn't easily reproduced. They were the best friends he could ask for... it's not as though he was trying to replace them that way.

No, it must be something else, he told himself. He and Draco had something different. But what that something was, exactly, Harry couldn't quite put a finger on it.

"Harry. Harry? HARRY!" Ron's voice pierced through his thoughts.

Harry jerked as if falling out of a dream. "What?"

"Your rabbit's on fire."

"What-? Oh bugger," Harry looked down at the white rabbit that he was supposed to be attempting the Colour Changing Charm on, and saw that something he had done had indeed caused the rabbit's fur to catch fire.

"Out of the way!" Tiny Professor Flitwick squeaked, and put out the fire with a squirt of water from his wand. "Really, Mr. Potter, do try to pay attention to what you're doing!"

"Sorry, Professor," Harry said.

"Oh dear," Flitwick said, picking up the rabbit and gazing sadly at its charred fur. The rabbit, too, seemed to be looking very offended.

"Sorry," Harry offered again. "I don't know where my mind was..."

"Well hopefully you'll find it soon, Mr. Potter. I expect you to have the Colour Charm mastered by next Wednesday. In the meantime, class dismissed! This creature needs to see Professor Hagrid right away... I’m sure he must know a burn remedy…”

"What's the matter with you today, Harry?" Ron asked as they shouldered their bags and filed out of the classroom with the rest of the students.

"I don't know," Harry said honestly. "I haven't been able to concentrate on anything... C'mon, let's just forget about it and go get some supper. It's nearly 5, isn't it? Hermione should be finishing up as well."

"We can't, there's Quidditch trials, remember?" Ron said.

"Oh, I forgot," Harry said, wondering how on earth something as important as Quidditch could've slipped his mind.

"We need to get down to the pitch by 5," Ron continued, "or Katie Bell will use our heads for Quaffles."

Harry winced at the thought. "You're right. Come on, we'd better hurry."

The Quidditch trials began promptly at 5 o'clock, and Harry and Ron made it just in time.

"About time," Katie told the two of them as they ran up, slightly out of breath. She glanced at her watch. "Another minute and you would've been late."

"Well, we're not, are we?" Ron said under his breath. "Let's just get this damned thing over with so we can eat."

"All right!" Katie called loudly to everyone, thankfully oblivious to Ron's remark "It looks like we have a fair amount of people trying out for Chaser this year. As you all know, we only have two open spots."

Harry looked at the line of six or seven students standing on the sidelines, nervously clutching their brooms. He was happy to see that Ginny Weasley was among them, and she didn't look one bit nervous.

"We'll try you out one at a time," Katie continued. "You'll scrimmage with the team for approximately 10 minutes each while I evaluate your skills. After everybody has had their turn, I'll discuss things with my players and we'll make a decision which of you get the spots. Questions? No? Good. Best of luck to all of you, we'll start in five minutes time."

"She's pretty good at this captain stuff," one of the Beaters in Harry's vicinity observed.

Yes she is, Harry silently agreed, somewhat intimidated by Katie's coarse manner. Boy am I glad I'm not one of the ones trying out.

Harry, Ron, and the rest of the team milled about while Katie dragged the trunk over and released the balls.

"Okay, first person up - Christina Healey," Katie called.

Christina, a trembling third year, mounted her broom, and the trials began.

To Harry, Christina's form didn't look too bad. She could probably best him had they been going one on one. Though he had to admit that his own Chasing skills were hardly notable, and he knew that Katie could probably beat her.

The next couple of people went, and Harry had his doubts about them. One fourth year - Jennifer Shields - nearly fell off her broom while making a wide leap for the Quaffle. To her credit, however, she did manage to catch it.

Soon Ginny was up, and she was clearly the best person thus far. She scored three goals off of Ron (something he didn't look too pleased about), and flew circles around most of the other players.

After Ginny, three people were left. To Harry, these last few people were not that impressive. Once they had all gone, the team descended to the ground and Katie called a meeting to choose which two would get the Chaser spots.

"Well I think it's rather obvious that Ginny Weasley undeniably deserves one of these spots," Katie said right at the start. Everybody nodded their head in agreement at this.

The other person they decided on was Jennifer Shields. "With a bit of training up," Katie had said, "I'm sure she'll be an excellent player in no time."

"I hope she's right," Ron said to Harry grimly on the way back to the castle. "I know Ginny's brilliant, and Katie is too, obviously, but we really need a strong third Chaser for them to make a team to be reckoned with."

"Relax Ron," Harry reassured him. "With some practise, Jennifer will be really good. That's what happened with you last year, after all."

Ron's ears turned red at being reminded of this, and didn't comment any further.

The two boys hurried back up to their dormitories to change out of their Quidditch robes and meet Hermione for supper in the Great Hall.

Supper was nearly ended by the time they arrived at the Great Hall; only a handful of students were left finishing up their meal. Hermione was among them, with a pile of parchment at her side. "How were the trials?" she inquired to Harry and Ron as they sat down and helped themselves to the food.

"Good," Harry replied. "Ginny was excellent, she got one of the spots."

"The other went to Jennifer Shields, that fourth year," Ron added thickly, through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

"What have you got there, Hermione?" Harry asked, gesturing towards the papers laying on the table beside her.

Hermione grinned and showed them the parchments. "I finally finished drawing up research timetables for us. If we keep to these schedules, we should be able to make a thorough search of the library's resources in a relatively quick amount of time. Now then, as you can see, I've divided things up into shifts..."

Ron took his designated roll of parchment and gazed at the long list of notes Hermione had compiled with deep-seated look of dismay on his face. Harry took a look at his and he, too, felt his spirits waver at the amount of work ahead of him.

"Most of the time there will be two of us working together with any given text," Hermione continued speaking rather quickly. "I decided that the most prudent place to start would be the Curses and Enchantments section. That will tell us about curses that Voldemort has used in the past, and provide curse ideas that may help us. Of course I don't really expect to find a complete answer in that section, however we may unearth some clues from it. From there, we'll move on the History of the Dark Arts section. From that, we may be able to gather data from past instances of dark wizards rising to power. We'll need to pay special attention, obviously, to how they were defeated." Here, she paused and inhaled a deep breath before continuing. "Then we'll need to-"

"Hold up, Hermione, catch your breath," Harry interrupted. "This is a lot to take in. There are still some things we need to work out-"

"Yes, maybe like how exactly we are supposed to find time to, I don't know, sleep?" Ron demanded.

"Or eat," Harry added, warily noting that a number of days he was scheduled to work right through meals.

"Honestly," Hermione crossed her arms and glared at them. "There are more important things, you know. Dumbledore entrusted us with this task, and no one else! Does that mean nothing to you?"

"Of course it means something," Harry said hastily.

"Besides," Hermione continued without really hearing him, "if it’s your stomach you both are worried about, I'm sure that you can go to the kitchens at any part of the day and the house-elves will be more than eager to foist food on you. Poor things. Hogwarts really needs to offer them more compensation when they overwork themselves-"

"Okay, we get it," Harry interrupted.

"And you, Ronald?" Hermione said sternly to him.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Ron grumbled.

"Good!" Hermione said, pleased. "Hurry up and finish eating, we’re starting tonight." She stood up from her own nearly untouched dinner and looked down at Harry and Ron expectantly.

"Tonight?" Ron looked appalled. "It’s already getting late and we’ve just come from practise!"

"We need to begin right away," Hermione insisted. "Or we’ll never make any progress."

Harry was already shaking his head. "I can’t start tonight. I have my first Occlumency lesson with Snape in half an hour."

"Oh," Hermione looked downcast. "I had forgotten about that."

"Sorry," Harry said. "You know I’d rather do anything other than spend two hours in Snape’s company, even dreary research all night."

"No worries," she said. "You’ll just have to do double duty tomorrow evening."

"Oh, er-" Harry stuttered while Ron snickered. He managed to conjure up an artificial smile for Hermione, though, "that’s fine, I suppose."

"Brilliant. Ron are you quite finished? We really must get started."

"I’m coming, I’m coming," Ron stood, glumly leaving his half finished supper behind. "See you later, Harry."

"See you," he said as Ron and Hermione left.

After Harry finished the rest of his supper, he gloomily descended the stairs into the dungeons, where Professor Snape’s office was located. He always hated it down here in the dungeons. It was at all times dismal and cold, and he usually felt his body temperature drop a couple of degrees whenever he was forced to spend time here.

"Potter?" a familiar voice called and Harry glanced up, startled. He wasn’t expecting anyone else to be travelling the hallways.

"Malfoy?"

Draco was indeed approaching from the opposite end of the hallway.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked, glancing around. "And without your cronies too, I see."

"I’m off to play a rousing game of Pin the Sharp and Painful Object on the House-Elf, of course," Draco said.

Harry blinked. "What?"

Draco rolled his eyes and leaned casually against the cold stone wall. "What does it matter what I’m doing? I live here, after all. The more important question is what are you doing down here, Potter?"

Harry shoved his hands into his pockets. "I have a lesson with Snape," he said morosely.

Draco’s gaze turned quizzical. "Oh? I didn’t think you were taking Potions this term, Potter."

"I’m not," Harry stared steadily at Draco. "It’s a different kind of lesson."

Draco regarded Harry for a long moment. "So what you're saying is that you’re strolling down to a teacher’s office in the middle of the night for some sort of lesson," he paused, considering. "Potter, you devil, is there something you’re not telling me?"

"What? No!" Harry positively recoiled. "Malfoy, that’s disgusting! And with Snape!"

Draco smirked. "You brought it on yourself."

"I did not! Bloody hell, that’s an image that will haunt me for the rest of my life."

"So what is the purpose of this supposedly innocent visit, then?" Draco drawled.

"It’s an Occlumency lesson, if you must know; Dumbledore’s convinced him to teach me again this year. And I'll thank you to never to bring up that revolting implication again."

"Oh, is that all?" Draco said unconcernedly. "That shouldn’t be a big challenge for perfect Potter, then, should it?"

"I wish it wasn’t," Harry responded grimly. "But I did tell you over the summer that I haven't had much success with it in the past. I’m not expecting now to be much better."

"Well then, here’s some simple advice for you," Draco leaned in and dropped his voice. Harry automatically leaned closer as well.

"Try harder."

Harry rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. "Is that all you’ve got to say?"

"Yes. Oh, and also that your hair looks dreadful today," Draco grimaced and Harry involuntarily reached up with one hand to pat his wild hair down. "You really must learn some proper hair care maintenance."

"Thank you, Malfoy," Harry had to grin.

"Well, come on then," Draco jerked his head and started walking back down the hall.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked, walking quickly to catch up with him.

"We’re going to Snape’s office, obviously. You should know by now that he gets mildly discontent if anyone’s late to meet him."

"There’s an understatement," Harry murmured.

"Though I would expect that he would get very discontent if you were the one who was late, Potter. Luckily, you’ve got me to balance things out," Draco added breezily. "You’re fortunate I’m his favourite."

"But weren’t you headed the other way?"

"Your keen powers of observation may not have noticed, Potter, but it‘s rather late," Draco said. "I’ve got to be getting back to the dorm, and Snape’s office is on the way so I may as well see that you make it to your proper destination. I've nothing better to do, at any rate."

Harry wasn’t going to argue with that. He found himself welcoming Draco’s company, not to mention his chatter, in the dark and lifeless corridor.

Very shortly, however, they reached Professor Snape's door. Harry gazed at the wooden door and heaved an unhappy sigh. Draco folded his arms, "Oh come now, Potter. Stop being such a drama queen. There are worse things in this world than Snape, you know."

"Of course I know," Harry snapped back. "This is just the last thing I feel like doing right now."

Draco pushed the door open. "Best get it over with, then, right?"

"I'm going, I'm going," Harry grumbled. He stepped into the doorframe, then hesitated and half-turned back to Draco. "Thanks for walking with me," he added quietly.

Draco gave a noncommittal nod, and disappeared down the corridor. Harry turned and stepped full into the office, and looked around. Professor Snape was at the other end, sitting behind his desks with his hands folded, staring down his long nose at Harry. "You're two minutes late," he said as a greeting.

Harry frowned; not by his watch, he wasn't. "Sorry," he said anyway.

"I expect that you'll be prompt in the future, I do not have time to waste on your tardiness," he said in his cold, soft voice. His sallow skin glowed eerily in the dim lighting. "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this only as a favour to Dumbledore."

Harry felt a flash of irritation. "I'm aware of that," he replied just as coldly.

"Then you are also aware that I am not responsible for any outcome of these little lessons," he said with a slight sneer. "Nor am I responsible for the events that transpired last year because of your refusal to learn the methods that I have attempted time and time again to teach you."

Harry stiffened at the provoking words, and he resolutely held Snape's gaze.

"Furthermore, I am certain that this feeble endeavour will fail as miserably as the last one," Snape continued, his voice soft and deliberate. "However, Dumbledore has insisted that the attempt shall be made. So here we are again."

Harry's mouth twitched into a scowl and he felt his temper rise. Seeing Snape again only served to bring back the unpleasant memories of past years spent suffering Potions classes and being subjected to Snape's barrages. He wanted dearly to just whip out his wand to curse Snape for all it was worth and just be done with the entire matter, but he found the willpower to keep his clenched fists firmly at his side.

"Now then, to turn to the matter at hand," Snape continued, when he saw that Harry was obviously making no reply. "I suppose that I'd be right in assuming that you haven't practiced Occlumency over the summer. Therefore we must begin all over again. Let's start with testing your defences... Legilimens!" Snape cried without a word of warning, and suddenly Harry was thrown back on the floor, a stream of memories all at once racing rapidly through his head, image after image:

A tiny Harry being shut alone in his equally tiny cupboard under the stairs... a slightly older Harry being teased during school by Dudley and his gang... Dudley laughing and waving a piece of candy he had stolen from Harry just above Harry's reach.... then the images seemed to fast forward and there was a near-present day Harry sitting alone on his bed on a rainy afternoon with only Hedwig for company...

Slowly Harry became aware that he was screaming, "Enough! Enough!" and his consciousness returned as Snape let up, and Harry realised that he was curled on the cool office floor.

"Get up," Snape hissed. "You're not trying."

Harry stood, his chest heaving from exertion and anger. He hated Snape, he hated all of this! Snape had positively no right to see inside Harry's memories like this. They were private; a side Harry didn't want to show his closest friends, let alone Snape!

"We'll try again. Get your wand out."

Harry irritably withdrew his wand from his robe pocket and faced Snape.

"Now, once more - Legilimens!"

Harry was again sucked into a whirlwind of memories. They started where they left off, with a lonely and friendless Harry sitting in his bedroom... then Vernon Dursley roaring at him to do his chores to earn his keep... Petunia Dursley giving him a barely sizable portion of food at mealtime... Dudley tormenting him at every possible moment, simply for the pure joy of seeing Harry suffer.

Then, unexpectedly, memories of him in the company of another boy surfaced... a blond boy... it was Draco. Him and Draco arguing this summer... glaring furiously at one another... brawling outside in the yard.... Then Draco healing him after his psychological collapse they day he learned Cruciatus... playing cards on Harry's bed.... he and Draco talking comfortably on the lawn... in a diner... in the park under a tree that shielded them from the pouring rain.

No... no.... Harry was urging Snape to stop. He couldn't allow Snape to see this... these memories were deep... private moments between him and Draco and no other.

The memories cut to Harry and Draco talking intimately in a secluded wooded area which Harry recognised as the Weasleys' ... he heard a snatch of the conversation before it moved on: "Potter, you want to know why I'm here," "yeah, yeah I do"....

Stop... no....

Something was growing at the edges of his consciousness.... It was Snape... Snape whispering incantations under his breath... Snape witnessing all of this. Harry's grip tightened on his wand.

He knew Snape was doing this deliberately... tormenting him for the pure joy of it, just like Dudley, and the Dursleys, and nearly everybody else in Harry's life had done. And now Snape was probing deep into some of only a handful of times where he had been truly happy.

Snape was pushed out of his line of vision and the memories returned... Harry and Draco speaking in one of the hallways at Hogwarts... conversing together, as they should be; as friends. The memories turned to just yesterday... he saw himself and Draco sitting on a hill overlooking a lake... the two of them gazing at the sunset.... Harry was in the middle of saying something: "Sirius was the closest thing I had to a father. And I as good as killed him."

"NO!" There was a sharp bang from the end of Harry's wand and the memories were gone, and Snape was hurtled across the room. The older man slammed against the shelves and a collection of potion ingredients smashed open on top of him.

"POTTER!" he raged, struggling to get to his feet.

But Harry didn't care. He was so furious he felt as if he was going to explode. How dare he... how dare he delve into something so personal... and just stand there and watch it while I'm forced to endure his mind-raping... he has no right...

His wand was twitching in his hand and he felt his anger channel into it. How satisfying it was to send Snape crashing back into those shelves... If only he could do more... if only he could do something to really give Snape what he deserved.

You could, you know.... a small voice reminded him in his mind.

Yes... yes he could. He felt the power coursing through him; the deep, unforgiving hate he felt for Snape at that very moment was strong enough... he knew the Cruciatus Curse now... he could easily cast it at his opponent and watch Snape squirm with pain and terror under Harry's mighty control. Snape wouldn't be able to look down upon him after that... no, certainly not.

The temptation was so great... and it would be so easy, just to do it. It would release his anger and give him the utmost satisfaction... it would give him a thing he had been craving for so long, the feeling that he had finally dealt out vengeance on those who deserved it...

He gradually remembered the words Draco had spoken to him so long ago at the Dursleys', when he had Dudley at wandpoint... Do it. Do it, do it....

Harry raised his wand. Snape was on his feet, he was saying something, but Harry was too blinded by his rage to hear him.

Just do it...

Harry opened his mouth and aimed his wand. He could do it. He would-

"Expelliarmus!" The wand flew out of Harry's hand at Snape's command and the spell was broken. Harry's shoulders slumped as he abruptly felt the rush of power dissolve.

"Potter!" Snape spat. "Pay attention when I'm talking to you!"

Harry said nothing, he could only think dismally, it's too late... you took too long, you bloody coward... you lost your chance. Idiot.

"There will be no more instances of losing control like that," Snape said dangerously. "You will practise, and you will waste no more of my time, understand? I would make you clean up this mess if I were not so infuriated at your wretched incompetence! Now get out of my office."

Harry dimly took his wand from Snape and left.

"And I'll expect you here on time next week," he heard Snape call after him.

It's just as well, Harry thought miserably on his way back to the dormitory. If I had done it, I would've been not only expelled from Hogwarts, but sent away to Azkaban as well.

I could've run, he reflected. What would that have accomplished, though?

"Attack Snape and run," he muttered crossly. "Right. Bloody brilliant idea that would've been, good job, Potter."

"I would watch yourself, dearie, if I were you. Talking to oneself is never a good sign," a melodious voice interrupted his thoughts. Harry glanced up at the Fat Lady's portrait.

Harry scowled. "Thanks a lot. Phoenix tears."

"I only thought I'd warn you," the Fat Lady said in an offended voice.

There was no one inside the common room. It was late, it surely must be close to eleven, if not later. Harry dragged his weary self up the stairs, and collapsed on his bed, almost instantly falling right asleep.

"Harry, wake up!" Someone was roughly shaking him awake. "You'll be late for class. Harry?"

"Go 'way" Harry muttered and stuffed his head under the pillow. He felt like he had been trampled half to death by centaurs.

"Harry, mate, are you okay?" Ron's concerned voice came again. "What happened to you? You look like you've just fought a few rounds with Fluffy."

Harry mumbled something indecipherable.

"What was that?"

Harry sighed and somehow managed the energy to sit halfway up. "I said, I'm sure Snape will appreciate the comparison."

"It was bad, was it?" Ron's voice was sympathetic.

"It was bad, Ron. It was very, very bad," Harry laid back down with a groan.

Ron sighed. "Well, you didn't miss anything last night in the library. Hermione and me looked through three huge books on dark curses, and barely found a thing. I felt like my eyes were about to pop out."

"You didn't find anything?" he asked, slightly disappointed. Because of the Occlumency lesson, Harry had nearly forgotten that Ron and Hermione had started on the research task last night.

"Well," Ron shrugged. "I thought I found a rather important reference to salamanders, but Hermione didn't seem to think it was worth much."

"Salamanders?" Harry repeated dubiously.

Ron grinned ruefully. "This was after five hours of constant reading, mate. I'm surprised my brain wasn't a heap of dung by then."

"Oh," Harry felt his eyes drift close again.

"Harry, what are you doing? I told you if you didn't get up now, you'd miss class."

Missing class sounded like a positively glorious thought right now. "Good idea, Ron," he mumbled. "I think I'll do that."

"You're skipping class?" Ron sounded surprised. "Wow. Er, guess it really must've been rough last night. Well, get some sleep, Harry. I'll come see how you're doing after lunch."

Ron left, and the room was quiet, but Harry couldn't get to sleep right away. The events that took place last night kept running through his mind. He'd almost used the curse... he'd almost fallen. Now that he'd had a night of sleep (as restless as it was), things looked better. He was relieved that he didn't cast Cruciatus on Snape after all. He'd probably be in Azkaban right now, and his life would essentially be over.

Even though he is a bastard, Snape isn't the real enemy, he thought to himself. He could see that now. Ron's report on their lack of progress last night had reminded him of this. He knew he needed to concentrate all of his energies on uncovering materials about the true enemy - Voldemort.

It's him I need to defeat. It's him I need to punish. After all, he's the ultimate cause of everything that's happened, right? Everything leads back to him - Cedric, Sirius, Draco's mum... he's probably even the reason why Snape is as cold-hearted he is.

He's the one who deserves punishment.

No one else but him.

Harry finally drifted off to sleep with that reassuring thought firmly lodged in his mind.