The Way Back to Daylight

Author's Notes: Massive thanks to cursedinsanity for being such a reliable and thorough beta :) And thanks to my reviewers! I'm now editing each review and replying in green.

Night and day lie open the gates of death's dark kingdom:
But to retrace your steps, to find the way back to daylight-
That is the task, the hard thing.

- Virgil, Aeneid, VI. 128-130 (Oxford World Classics Ed.)

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Chapter Nine

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Sirius clenched his hands and drew them away. Remus remembered those hands on every part of his body. They'd been there to pull him into an embrace, stroke his hair, and clasp his own hands in warmth and comfort. They weren't young and smooth anymore, but they'd felt just as good against his skin. Looking at them now, Remus understood how much he'd relied on Sirius's touch.

Lily cleared her throat. "Why don't the two of you have a talk in the guest room?"

"But Lily, shouldn't I -?" James began, but stopped when she caught his eye.

"All right," said Sirius, without taking his eyes off Remus. "Moony?"

"Right then."

They both moved towards the hallway, and would have brushed through each other if Sirius hadn't jolted back.

"Sorry," he muttered, staring down at the rug. "After you."

They walked upstairs past crookedly-hung photographs, a mix of Muggle and Wizarding ones, and an awful watercolour Lily had bought at a market. Remus glanced back at Sirius, unwilling to let him out of sight, but Sirius's eyes were on his feet.

When they reached the upstairs hallway, Remus hurried to the guest room, finding it as unchanged as the rest of the house. Two single beds, with patchwork quilts stitched by Lily's mum, and a wardrobe of cheap wood-veneer in the corner. One of the beds was unmade, and Sirius sank down onto it. Remus sat facing him, on the edge of the other bed: the one they'd never used. The beds were narrow, but that had never mattered to Remus; not when he'd wanted, always, to be as close to Sirius as possible.

"Remember the last time we ... I mean, the last time I came here?" Remus asked. "You burnt a cigarette hole in the quilt and we didn't have time to fix it."

"I don't need to remember," Sirius replied, shrugging. "There's still a hole in this quilt."

After a long silence of Sirius staring at his hands, Remus swallowed and said, "You still have that cut."

"What cut?"

"The one on your jaw, from when you were shaving. One of the last times I saw you ... I remember it very well. You cut yourself and I wiped the blood away, and then you ..."

Remus's throat had closed up, and his eyes burned. Sirius knelt on the floor in front of him, soothing him with quiet words. "Please don't cry, Moony. I'm not angry. I'm glad you came here, really. Of course I'm glad."

"I'm -" Remus sniffed, wiping his eyes and staring his wet fingers "- I'm crying? I can't remember the last time. The first war?"

"No," Sirius murmured, reaching up as though to touch Remus's cheek. "Sometimes, you cried in your sleep."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want you to know I was staying up all night. You kept telling me to get more rest."

Remus frowned, remembering how exhausted they'd both been. He'd always fallen asleep immediately after sex, whether he'd wanted to or not, just grateful for the warmth and weight of Sirius in his arms after so many years.

"You watched over me every night I spent at Grimmauld Place?"

Sirius tilted his head, letting his hair slip past his ear to hide his face. "Well, not every night. But most, yes."

"Sirius -"

"Don't tell me it was irresponsible," Sirius growled, going back to sit on his bed. "I've had enough of that to last a lifetime ... or more than a lifetime, as it turns out."

"I wasn't going to scold you. Actually, quite the opposite."

"Oh," Sirius mumbled, flushing. "I suppose I just - this is all a bit much. You being alive and everything. I imagined so many ways I might see you again, but never this. How did you ...?"

Remus searched for a way to begin. He'd spoken to Moody easily enough, but this felt different; he wanted to tell the whole story, to explain everything that had happened after Sirius's death, and everything he'd felt. But his grief seemed odd, with Sirius sitting in front of him. All the imaginary conversations he'd held with Sirius, as well as the letters and photograph he'd kept: they'd been necessary, at the time, but now they seemed silly and sad. There was also the matter of Tonks and the question of whether Sirius knew, and Remus realised he'd have get it out of the way.

"I'll tell you everything in a moment, but first ... well, there's something you may have heard about already, but I thought, before anything else, that I should -"

Sirius froze, his eyes on the ground. "It's all right. I've known since Dumbledore paid us a visit. I was surprised at first, of course. I knew she fancied you, but you always seemed a bit ... amused by it," he said, then paused, frowning. "Or, I thought you were, but it doesn't matter. She's wonderful, really. I can't hold it against her."

Remus smiled, overwhelmed by fondness and exasperation. "Do you really need me to tell you how much I love you?"

Sirius stared up at him. "No, I suppose not," he said, after a moment. "I love you, too. And I meant every word about Tonks. She's ... she's young, and she's a little bit ... awkward, but she's -"

"Honestly, you don't need to explain yourself. I know it must have been difficult for you, hearing about me with someone else. If our positions had been reversed, I would have felt the same way."

Out of the blue, Remus remembered a night in 1981, when he'd come home early from a mission and walked in on Sirius with another man. Forgetting how to Apparate, Remus had run out of their flat without taking his things. Though Sirius had sent a letter, they hadn't spoken again for thirteen years.

Remus didn't bring it up, but Sirius seemed to be thinking along the same lines. "All right," he said, shifting with discomfort. "Fair enough."

"In any case, she left me a few months ago, and I've been on my own since then."

Sirius's eyes narrowed and his shoulders tensed, as though his hackles were raised. "She hurt you?"

Remus shook his head. "No ... well, yes, but it wasn't like that. We'd kept each other sane during the war, and we were in love, but we wanted different things."

Sirius nodded, but didn't say anything. After a moment, he got to his feet and walked over to the window. He rested his hand against the glass, staring out at James and Lily's summer afternoon. The posture was familiar to Remus: ever since Azkaban, Sirius had gravitated towards windows, especially while they'd stayed at Grimmauld Place. The street outside had been bleak and dingy, strewn with Muggle rubbish, but Remus had often needed to pry Sirius away from the view, with gentle hands tugging at his arms and waist, and kisses to the back of his neck. They hadn't discussed it, but Remus assumed there'd been no windows in Azkaban: just the sound of the ocean through the walls.

"Tell me about your journey, then," said Sirius, still gazing out the window.

Remus wanted to walk over and slide his arm around Sirius's waist, feeling warmth and the steady pounding of a heartbeat. He wanted to guide Sirius back to lie on one of the beds with him, as he would have done at Grimmauld Place. But he didn't know how to express this, and he didn't want to ask Sirius to turn around, so he stayed sitting and spoke to Sirius's back.

"Well, it began with my search for Harry's engagement gift ..."

---

By the time Remus reached the part about Cerberus, Sirius was sitting beside him on the bed, tense with excitement. Remus, on the other hand, had grown irritated by Sirius's constant interruptions. He'd forgotten how overenthusiastic Sirius could be; how much like Padfoot in a playful mood.

"Cerberus, that three-headed dog?" Sirius was asking. "The one guarding the gates? Did you have to cut its heads off, and did it grow two more each time?"

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperated. "No, that's the seven-headed hydra, and no, I didn't cut Cerberus's heads off. Actually, it turns out he's doing quite poorly; he never made an appearance. Sirius, I'm exhausted. Will you just let me finish the story so I can have something to eat and a lie down?"

Sirius grinned. "Cerberus, doing poorly? That great three-headed dog?"

There was a knock at the door, and Remus recognised it as James's: three sharp raps, followed by a quieter tap.

"Just erm ... just wondering if the two of you are all right in there," he called, in a hesitating voice. "Obviously you can't kill each other, or ... anyway, would you like to come out and have some tea?"

"Moony's knackered," Sirius called back, with a wink at Remus. "But we've still got a lot to talk about."

"Have you finished telling him about - ow, Lily. Bugger it, don't elbow me like that!"

Remus winced in sympathy. "It's odd that you still feel pain," he whispered.

"No pleasure without a bit of pain, you know that," Sirius whispered back; then, in a louder voice, directed at the door, "Poor little Jimmy, did she make you cry?"

"Shut it, Black."

"I see some things are the same as ever," said Remus.

"Right then, carry on!" Lily called. "We'll be out in the garden."

Remus waited a reasonable time for James and Lily to leave, then asked, "What is it, Padfoot? James was telling me, before, that something wasn't right with you. Why don't you tell me about it?"

Sirius shrugged and turned away, plucking at the quilt. "It's ... it's better that I don't. You'll be leaving soon, to finish with this prophecy."

"I can stay for a long time. More than a year."

"I don't think I could go even a month with you here, when I can't touch you. Could you?"

Remus thought about it. "Perhaps not, but surely ... surely a week? You can show me everything you've seen since coming here; it must be so beautiful."

"It isn't, really."

"But -"

"I wanted to live. That's all I wanted. The worst piss-drenched alley in London would be better than this."

"But Lily said -"

"It's different for her and James."

"How is it different? You've got to tell me."

Sirius looked at him for a few moments, worrying his lower lip. Then, finally, he nodded and took a deep breath. "The thing is, I fell through the veil, and I'm not completely ... well, my body is gone, obviously. I'm dead. But it's different for me. I still feel the magic, crackling inside me, the way it always has."

"What do you mean?"

"Everyone can do a kind of magic here. They can shape their heaven, and move around in it, however they like. But that isn't really magic; it's just wish-fulfilment, instantaneous and without effort. James can make himself look like a deer, but he can't become Prongs, not anymore. With me, it's different. I can turn into Padfoot, the same as ever."

"But Sirius ..." Remus wanted to tread carefully, but there was no easy way to say what he needed to say. "How do you know what you're experiencing ... how do you know that that isn't a kind of wish-fulfilment? How do you know it isn't all coming from your desire to feel alive?"

"Oh, I thought of that. I thought about it for months, before I found a solution. I went in search of others who'd fallen through the veil." Sirius's face darkened. "And what I found ... well, it was enough to convince me. There were three men, two women, four house-elves and ten goblins, who'd all been thrown through the veil at various points in history, as a kind of punishment by whatever cruel regime was in power. I'm sure there are others, but I stopped looking."

"My God."

"Yes." Sirius's hands were clenched over his knees, and his whole body had tensed. "I didn't want to tell you, Moony, but ... you're right, you should know. They were all quite mad. They were all in their own private hells. But they were here, in heaven, with me."

Remus wanted to hold Sirius so much that it actually hurt, like a meat-hook dragging up through his stomach, and he dug his fingers into his palms. When James had said there was something wrong, but Sirius was safe, Remus had been overcome with relief. Now, after hearing the truth, he was furious with James for reassuring him.

He swallowed and shook his head, wanting to deny it. "Please ... tell me this won't happen to you."

"Not for a few hundred years, maybe," Sirius replied, with a bitter smile. "But it will happen. Nothing can prevent it. My mind and my magic are still alive, while my body is dead. It would be enough to drive anyone mad."

"But it won't be long until I die, and with me here -"

"You coming here won't make a difference. Don't look at me like that, Moony. Of course I love you, and I'll be happy when I can touch you again, but you'll be the same as James and Lily. Perfectly content for all eternity, and perfectly unable to comprehend the horror I'm facing. You'll make me play croquet and chess, and you'll take tea with me, and we'll make love, but in the end, it won't be living. You'll continue on, while I pace like an animal in a trap, until I lie down and hope for oblivion. It'll be heaven to you, but to me it's just another prison."

"Sirius, I won't -"

"That's why I reacted the way I did, to seeing you again. I'm grateful you're still alive, so we can talk like this. But it's painful to see you one last time, still full of hope for the future, and not be able to touch you. There's no future here, no past, and no present. You see that, don't you?"

Remus's breathing came in shudders and gasps, and his eyes prickled, but he couldn't cry. His face was numb and his lips were bloodless, and his hands shook in his lap.

"I won't let this happen to you," he said, when he could speak again. "I'll do anything. You know I'll do anything."

"I already did. I begged to be let out of heaven, but there was no response. I begged and prayed. Finally, I had an idea. I followed the River Lethe, the river of forgetting, the only fixed thing in this place, until I'd walked out. No one's ever done it before ... no one's ever even thought of it before, as far as I know. But I did it, and escaped."

"You ... you broke out of heaven?"

"That's right. I journeyed through the garden, the fields and the woods, not knowing where I was going but following a path. I walked all the way to the courthouse where I was first sent for judgement. I pounded on the door and called to the judge, and he let me in. He looked just like Bartemius Crouch. I told him he should send me home, where I was needed. He said he'd never seen anything like it. He told me to go back to where I was meant to be. I said I was meant to be alive. I was bloody well meant to be alive -"

Sirius was standing now, and pacing the room. He was holding his fists up, as though ready for a fight, and his mouth was set in a scowl.

"Why wouldn't he let me go? I was furious. My magic had been bottled up for such a long time, and I was like a child without control. I tore his courtroom apart; it looked like a hurricane had blown through. He was angry, then. He was more powerful than me, and sent me back." Sirius stopped moving, his voice growing thin and full of despair. "And so I'm here. There's no way for me to get out."

Remus stood and swayed on his feet, so dizzy with exhaustion that his vision blacked out for a moment and his ears hummed. He'd been tired before, but now he was completely wrung out. He couldn't think, he didn't know what he was doing, and he only wanted to touch Sirius and fall asleep in his arms. He reached out to steady himself against the wardrobe, but he still couldn't stop shaking.

"I'll take you out of here," he said, staring into Sirius's eyes. "Whatever I have to do. I would trade places -"

"No."

"I would," Remus muttered, and then he collapsed.

---

When Remus woke up, he was lying on his back in one of the beds, with the quilt pulled up to his neck. The curtains were still open, and James and Lily had made it night, with glittering stars and a harvest full moon, which seemed to hover just above the treetops. Remus stared at the moon and found himself fascinated instead of afraid.

"Are you feeling better?" said Lily's voice from beside him.

"Could you get me some water, from my pack?" Remus croaked. "If you can touch it."

"I can touch it."

He guzzled two bottlefuls of water and ate a slice of pie, and then he felt more like himself. Lily lit a few candles around the room, without having to touch them or wave a wand, and then she plumped up his pillows and sat on the edge of his bed.

"Where's Sirius?"

Lily hesitated, her full lips pursed, before she said, "He's gone wandering, that's all."

"Where?"

"Probably to the River Lethe," she admitted. "He likes to sit on its banks and watch as people wade into it."

"Lethe ... the river of forgetting," Remus whispered, then started to climb out of bed. "Oh Merlin, do you think he's going to -?"

"No, no," she insisted, gesturing for him to lie back down. "He's had plenty of opportunities, but he won't do it. Or, he won't do it while you're here."

"So he'll do it, then? After I leave?"

Lily avoided his eyes. "He's spoken to us about it. He says it's his only chance."

Remus closed his eyes and wondered if the situation could get any worse. The River Lethe would wipe Sirius clean of memory and emotion, and his spirit would be born again as an entirely new person. Sirius would be gone forever. It wouldn't be as bad as losing him to a Dementor's Kiss, something Remus had feared and dreaded to the point of lying to Dumbledore; however, it would be a permanent loss, and the end of all hope.

"What about James?" Remus asked, not wanting to think about it. "Where is he?"

"He thought I should have a talk with you, because ... well, he feels uncomfortable, about certain things."

Remus bit his lip, nodding. "Yes. I'm sure he does. Lily, how long have the two of you known about me and Sirius?"

"Since we were at Hogwarts. I'm not sure which of us knew first. James says he knew from the start."

"I very much doubt that."

"Well, you were all sharing a room. He didn't need a lot of intuition to understand what was going on. He just felt awkward about it, so he ignored it and pretended it wasn't happening."

"What about you?"

Lily blushed. "I snuck out one night, for a walk by the lake, to clear my head - I was so worried about all my homework. And, well, I saw the two of you, by the tree ..."

"Oh."

"I ran back to my room, terrified you'd seen me. I'd always been told it was a mental illness, so I didn't know what to think. I wondered whether I should tell McGonagall ... I thought she might help you become normal. But then I watched you at mealtimes and in class, and soon I realised you were in love. When I knew it was love, it didn't bother me. Sirius was gentle with you, different from the way he was with everyone else; and when he was with you, you seemed lit up inside. You made each other beautiful."

Lily was smiling, but Remus thought he might start crying again. "I've lost him. What am I going to do?"

"You haven't lost him yet. What about this prophecy? He told me about it, as though it had nothing to do with him. But I'm sure it must. Why else would you have been chosen to come here?"

"How can it have anything to do with him?"

"Two valued brothers have been lost ... what about that? What about Regulus?"

"No, Lily. It's not possible. I saw Regulus, in the forest of mourning."

"Then someone else. Some other brother of his."

"James is his only other brother."

"What about ..." she lowered her voice "... what about Peter?"

"He was no one's brother."

"A brother can be a traitor; like Judas was to Jesus."

Remus nodded. "I hope you're right. I'll speak to Dumbledore about it, and I'll take Sirius with me, if I can find him. How do I get to the Lethe?"

"I'll wish you there. Close your eyes."

He wanted to say goodbye, to her and James, because he wasn't sure he'd have the chance to come back. But when he opened his mouth, she shook her head and pressed a finger to her lips. She was so lovely in the candlelight, with her smooth, freckled skin and flame-red hair. Remus wished he could take a picture back for Harry.

"Close your eyes," she repeated, leaning closer. "You'll see us again. We'll all be together again. You'll see."

---

"And all that I've got

And all that I need

I tie in a knot

And I lay at your feet

And I have not forgot

But a silence crept over me"

- Joanna Newsom, Sadie