The Long and Ridiculous Monty Python Registration

Hermione sighed and scratched the back of her leg with her foot. She wished Professor Vector was able to take class, but she had been laid low with a vicious attack of pneumonia. So now, Hermione's Arithmancy class was in Muggle Studies, which was the same as she remembered it.

So far. The teacher hasn't come in yet.

Be quiet.

Professor Cleese bounced through the door.

"Have I got a job for you today!" he sang.

He held up a sheaf of paper. "I got my friend Graham to send me a--slightly modified--copy of the registration for Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail CD-ROM!"

Professor Cleese passed out a packet to each student, along with a green, red, or purple pen. Hermione's happened to be green.

"When I say go...go!"

People bent their heads down over their desks. Hermione just stared at hers.

I've seen Monty Python's Flying Circus once before. I'm not filling out a form from the same company that revels in such foolishness.

Oh, yes, you are.

You can't make me.

"Miss Granger, are you working over there?" called Professor Cleese. "I expect you to do this before you leave my classroom, or you get a zero for the day!"

You are the most evil being alive.

No, I am not.

Find one person who is more evil than you and I'll do this stinking form.

"Oh, by the way," added Professor Cleese to the class at large, "anyone who doesn't do their form will get a month's worth of detention with my friend Professor Snape."

I'm working!

~~~

1) What is your name? Hermione Granger

2) What is your address? Fifteen Price Court

3) What is your hair colour? Blonde

4) What is your eye colour? Green

5) What is your other eye colour? Green. I don't have two different colour eyes.

6) What is your quest? If I have to choose one, I suppose...to seek the Holy Grail.

7) What is your favourite colour? Blue.

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? African or European?

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way? The ancient astronomers thought it looked like a giant swirl of milk.

10) What was the name of the princess? Guenevere

11) Who was King Arthur? A real English king

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg? Do it yourself, you lazy turd.

13) How many fingers am I holding up? Three

14) What is the square root of twenty-five? Five, you dolt.

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill? I've no idea, to be sure, so...with a public education, I'll never have a job where I can earn a five-dollar bill.

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? Oh, I get it--you went to public school too. (A hundred and sixteen years, by the way.)

17) How many goats have stood for parliament? Goats?

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they? A rat does. (I suppose. I lost the thread of that.)

19) Is this a trick question? Yes, but then again this might be a trick answer, so choose carefully.

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden? No

21) Have you ever been to Sweden? No

22) Do you know why God created Sweden? No

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? Yes appears to be my only choice here.

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually... get his skinny little chum-chum wedged painfully between the keys. (What the hell is a chum-chum? It had better be a finger.)

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce? No

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce? Once again, my only choice is Yes.

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar--

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE. Oddballs.

28) Are you wearing underwear? Yes--whoa, there are people who would answer no?

29) What colour is it? Blue. (Obviously not.)

30) What type is it? Briefs. (You're not going to keep these, are you, Professor?)

31) Will you send it to me? No!!!

32) Is it edible? Eurgh!

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

33) Do you have a modem? Finally, a normal question! Yes.

34) Is it wearing underwear? Um...I take that back. No.

35) What was the answer to question eleven? My only choice is L, but the answer was really "do it yourself, you lazy turd".

36) What is today? March 12, 1995

37) Where did you get this questionnaire? Received it as an instrument of torture.

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time? Yes, I'm ashamed to admit.

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it? Life, what life?

40) Is this question redundant? No...

41) Is this question redundant? Yes

42) Is this question redundant? Yes

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? Yes

44) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy? Eurgh! I quit!

You can't.

Who's going to stop me?

"Miss Granger, are you asking me to put you in detention with Professor Snape for a month or so?

Ah, him. I forgot about him. Okay... My hovercraft is full of eels. Oh, wait, I remember this sketch. Thank God!

45) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear? First we must glean it from the neighbour's porpoise. Remember that sketch, too.

46) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place? Wazzle um wakka dakka dum neer.

47) What have I got in my pocket? A magic ring stolen from another story.

48) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should. Thank God!

~~~

Hermione handed in her form and ran like a jackrabbit.

Thank you.

Straight into Professor Snape.

Look, I filled out the fucking questionnaire! Leave me alone!

Who simply glowered at her and allowed her to continue up to the Gryffindor tower.

Good riddance and good night!