The End of the Beginning

Never thought I'd be in this place

It's someone else's life I'm living

Wish I were living a lie

I can't believe I've lost him. I just can't.

So many people have died in my life. I'm only just seventeen, and I've lost so many people I care about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the only person who's been affected by this, but it sure seems like it at times.

The hardest part is when the bough breaks

See, first I lost my parents, but I was only a baby. I didn't remember. Still, sometimes at night I can hear them singing lullabies. I can hear my mum saying that I'm her little prince. I can even hear my dad promising great things--that someday he'd buy me my first broomstick and he couldn't wait until I got my first wand. Even though I barely knew them, I miss them so much.

Falling down and then forgiving,

Then it was Cedric. Okay, we weren't exactly close, but it's still a shock to see someone whom you've grown to respect just killed like that. It was like--like he was so strong and noble, everything I could never hope to be, and then all of a sudden he was killed. If he could die, I definitely was going to. He worked almost everything out on his own, whereas I had loads of help. He was independent, he could think for himself--he was a far better wizard than I could hope to be. Even now, thinking about it hurts so badly.

You didn't kiss me goodbye

A year later, the hardest blow yet came. I'd grown very close to my godfather in the short two years I'd actually known who he was. I'd come to trust him almost as much as I'd trust my own father. And now--now he's gone. I still can't believe I've lost Sirius, and he died just over a year ago.

I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say

And pray I get the chance one day

I wish I could see him again, to tell him how I really feel. Is that selfish? Is it greedy to wish that he could be back here, where he himself was so unhappy, living in secrecy, hiding all the time, just so I could see him again? I guess it is. I feel really low for thinking that--I know he's happier where he is, with my dad and my mum and everyone else he's loved and lost.

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, You'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come round?

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holdin' out for you

Later that summer, I was staying with the Weasleys. We got our O.W.L. results--I passed all of them and got into all the classes I needed, even Potions. I vaguely remember being happy. Ron opened his letter, read it, and passed out. Mrs. Weasley thought it was stress, and his results seemed to confirm that, because he had failed almost everything. Percy, though...Percy noticed that Ron seemed unusually pale, and he remembered that Ron had been complaining of headaches all summer and...well, the short and long of it is that we took Ron to the hospital, and it turned out he had a malignant growth in his brain. A tumour. Cancer. He fought for his life for eleven months, but in the end the doctor was right. He died peacefully, surrounded by the people he'd always cared about the most--Percy, George, Ginny, Hermione, and me. Not necessarily in that order.

I can hear you smile in the dark

I can even feel your breathing

But daylight chases the ghosts

If only that were it--if only he had been the last to die. It was wishful thinking. A week after we found out about Ron, an article appeared in the Daily Prophet. Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom--Neville's parents, already tortured to the point of insanity--were killed. Someone killed them as they lay, nearly comatose, in the hospital wing. Lockhart was dead too--apparently he could have been a witness.

I see your coat and I fall apart

So many people in such a short time, dead, all in one way or another connected to me. But there was worse to come. Last November, something of Voldemort's finally got to Hagrid. We're still not sure what. Hermione and Ron and Ginny and I had gone to visit him one morning, and he didn't answer the door, yet when we hammered on it, it opened. We went into the room and discovered that the hut had been torn to pieces, Buckbeak (who had been returned to Hagrid upon Sirius's death) was severely injured on the floor, and Hagrid lay spread-eagled behind him, dead. Ginny ran to get help. Hermione screamed and fainted. Ron's legs gave out and he wound up on the floor. I couldn't say a word. I couldn't believe he was really dead.

To those hints of you I'm clinging

Now's when I need them most

Just this morning, though, I got another letter from Hogwarts. It was not addressed in the green ink that usually addressed the Hogwarts letters, but in a dark black. It was from McGonagall. I read it and nearly fainted again.

Two more people at Hogwarts--not one, but two--are gone forever. One of them is Professor Snape. As soon as I read that, I thanked God I apologised when I did. I was usually rather cold to Snape, believing him to be evil, but he tried to save Sirius as well as myself and my friends. In addition, my father was almost as bad as he said. I explained that all to him in a letter last summer and apologised for not thanking him sooner. He accepted, and we began treating each other more as equals and less as dirt beneath the other's feet.

I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead

The second name made me break down crying. It was a man I respected, a man I looked up to, a man whom I leaned on for support. It was Albus Dumbledore.

At least, that's what he would have said

Looking back on my memories of him, so many things jump out at me. I remember him explaining to a confused and lonely first year about the Mirror of Erised. The smile as he explained that only a true Gryffindor could pull that sword from the Sorting Hat, and a thank-you for what he called 'real loyalty.' The fierce protectiveness and anger when facing Barty Crouch, Jr., and the scarcely concealed disgust on his face as he faced an enraged Minister of Magic who refused to take action. The fatherly air and--yes--protectiveness as he explained to a hurt and angered fifth year why he had refrained so long from explaining things that had got people killed already. The comforting air when confronted with the fact that a trusted staff member was dead in his hut. The look on his face that brought so much strength to the other mourners as he attended funeral after funeral. And the way he was always there, no matter what, even when I thought he'd abandoned me.

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, You'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come round?

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holdin' out for you.

Looking at everything that's happened, it's a wonder to me that I haven't become suicidal or anything. I actually think I might've if it weren't for Hermione. If anything happened to her, then yes, I would have nothing left to care for, and I would probably kill myself. She's always there for me too. Even when she was in the same kind of pain as I was, she stood by my side and helped me out. Always and forever friends, that's us. Always and forever.

Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep,

It's the only true comfort I feel,

Yeah,

I hear a noise downstairs. My uncle is bellowing at somebody. That's probably Lupin--he's come to pick me up. I'm heading back to Grimmauld Place for the remainder of the summer. I've got to go. It's time for me to grow up and try to face my life without anybody who has tried for so long to show me the way, except one.

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, You'll be there like before

God, I'm scared.

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think, You'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come round?

Some things a heart won't listen to,

I'm still holdin' out for you.

Holdin' out,

Holdin' out for you.